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Supporting a Sub with mental and emotional scars


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So, my question is this. I have a collared submissive who was trained ass a level 5. Unfortunately, the... Doms, and I use this term begrudgingly, did alot of damage both mental and emotional. I am wanting to help her face and defeat her demons so that we can continue to grow, myself as a dominant and her as a submissive.

Any advice?


Unless your a professional mental health worker, don't rush into confronting the damage, immersion can be great therapy for phobias and the like, but could do more damage than good with an issue like this.

Have you considered going to a pychosexual therapist, either together, or alone if she's not ready just yet? I'm sure it's something they would have experience in..and if not would definitely be able to point you at someone who is..if she won't agree to that, perhaps some domestic violence counselling could help?

I wish I could be more help, but patience, and lots of reassurance, physical and emotional,  is the only recourse until she is ready.

Glad she has found you. Good luck x


I'd love there to be a black and white answer.

There are a lot of Doms who try to 'save' subs - this is true in pretty much any gender combination - and it's important to know that however well meaning you may be; you're probably not a psychiatrist, or mental health professional, or anyone best equipped to help.

Not of course that these services are as good as they could be in the UK - *cough* underfunding *cough*

But in the short term...

Listen to your sub.  Be encouraging but not pushy. Be shit hot with aftercare.  Remember you have a whole lot of time to grow together and some hurdles will take a while to overcome.

Be responsive on what works and what doesn't and accept it's going to be frustrating.


Thank You for all the feedback. A little more background may help in responses. I will use rope bondage as an example (though this isn't a problem) During a scene and in just discussion she LOVES IT!!! I mean white hot, hell yeah! Scene goes off without a hitch, great fun. It is in the aftermath that her  brain starts beating her up BECAUSE she enjoyed it. I have asked her about my style of aftercare and whether it is sufficient to which the answer is a resounding yes. Now due to our current situation some types of play have been put on the back burner so to speak to help deal with the fact that in some of our play "Extended" aftercare may be needed.


yes, I/we have gone through that before.  Which can be frustrating.  Sometimes... it's important to remind yourself it's OK to enjoy it.  Hundreds and thousands of people globally do and nobody gets hurt (well, I'd hope not with rope bondage, but still)

you know the annoying thing with aftercare is there's no black and white one size "how to" everyone has different needs and sometimes that can be difficult.  I know sometimes if I'm in a bad place it can be very difficult to get me out of it even if I know everything, ultimately, is OK.  There will be a lot of trial and error.


I know this is incredibly difficult and I am not always the best at following my own advice.

First of all, be careful with getting too immersed to the extent that you take on her problems and try to fix them for her. This will help neither you nor her.

having said that, be supportive at all times - almost no matter what the time of day or night ( obviously within the limits you have set)

Secondly, as someone else said, unless you are trained in these things, you should try to get her professional help. This is not as drastic as it seems and could range from a series of disciplines such as guided meditation, sharing therapy to actual psychotherapy, or other.

Thirdly, and to reiterate, let her know that you are there. Regardless. This can be incredibly difficult.

Posted (edited)

I greatly appreciate everyone who took the time to offer advice. I can see this is going to be a long and interesting road. :D

Edited by Shadow82

communication  and telling her that you will listen to her any time. also do things away from play time. like a walk in a park or go for coffee. also aftercare is a must.


i have problems due to x bfs makeing me feel worthless ect. my dom spends time with me just talking.  we do vanila stuff to like shopping an cooking togther. let her see the vanila side to 

Posted (edited)

Hi...May I add to this topic as it is very close to my heart..I was subjected to abuse when I was alot  younger...No choice....Scared to talk to anyone...I was left alone with my own confused thoughts...Was what I was going through...Normal...part of growing up...I had no idea.! It changed my life..affects me to this day...Being in a relationship , whether Dom or Sub..vice versa , an understanding and patience with ones partner is so important. If you really care about your blossoming relationship , the most important thing you can do is to discover , what is not easy , a way of encouraging your partner to open up...it is so hard to do...it is even harder for your partner !!..It really comes down  one thing only..Trust..When one opens up emotionally , one feels very vulnerable..Use your instinct as to how to proceed , and do NOT go  by what your personal desires are . I spent 4 years going through specialist psychotherapy , once weekly..it took nearly 3 years to really open up...To be honest..I think that if she was part of the fetish scene , I do not think it would of taken that long..NO ONE can really understand what it is like to have emotional and mental scars because of ones past unless they have been through the same or something similar...that is so important to remember.! On a personal note..after all this time , even though time is supposed to be a great healer , I panic when any male touches me , even as a friendly or comforting gesture.Making and achieving that breakthrough is something that I have to yet experience..I mean with a partner.!..One day..Cassie

Edited by Deleted Member
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