New sub feeling pressured

[xo****]

I’m very new to the lifestyle and to being a sub overall, recently I have connected with a few Doms so far and have tried playing through messages/ vid etc. What would be correct to do if a Dom is persistent on me doing something even though it’s been established as a hard limit? I’m calling pressured and uncomfortable although I made my hard and soft limits clear any advice?

[Deleted Member]

I’ve also experienced this as a little it’s super difficult when they just don’t listen or respect your boundaries which are in place for a reason. If a “daddy/Dom” isn’t willing to respect your boundaries I can guarantee he isn’t a real Dom…. I’ve actually just this week experienced that for myself in real life. I was used. ***d and violated by someone who pretended to be a daddy Dom and knew I was a little and played along :( it’s a sad thing we have to endure people prey on our kink and don’t care it’s so much more to me than a kink it’s a huge part of me …. I hope you are ok xx

[Deleted Member]

Hi it depends on what the Dom is being persistent about limits even hard limits change as your training progresses a good Dom should push you to expand past those limits you have set your self but if they remain hard limits the Dom should have the knowledge and experience to back away and try something different until you are ready to move to the next level
At your current level of experience find a Dom who respects your limits but for you to understand that they will challenge them later hope that helps

[ki****]

Being preassure into things will always be a bad thing. if you feel you wana try something which you're on the fence about then id reccomend trying it twice with someone you trust but simple as, when you dont frel comfortable thats when you need to tell them no because if you dont they're not gonna draw any line.

[Aeviternity]

If you say no to something and your decision is not immediately heard and respected, if that person continues to press for whatever the thing is, it is called ***. ***, guilt tripping, etc, are forms of manipulation and if they are doing this trying to get sex or sexual act of some kind of is literally a form of sexual ***. Most people don’t realize this. If you told him no and he didn’t immediately respect that, even if he backs down on this one thing and moves on, you think he’s not gonna do that crap again? That suddenly he will respect your answer always and that he respects you as a person? No no no. A Dom nurtures and protects, uplifts and respects, cares for and wants nothing but what’s best for his submissive. Stand up for yourself and protect yourself. Don’t let these fake Doms get shit, they sure as hell don’t deserve it!

[Deleted Member]

Pay attention to how this person is making you feel. You've used the word pressured and uncomfortable. Neither are positive. I don't think anyone should make you feel like this. You're new. It's meant to be enjoyable. The correct thing to do is what suits YOU. What you need. And it doesn't sound like this Dom (doms?) is listening to you and is a bully, not a Dom.

[Deleted Member]

56 minutes ago, leighton606 said:

Hi it depends on what the Dom is being persistent about limits even hard limits change as your training progresses a good Dom should push you to expand past those limits you have set your self but if they remain hard limits the Dom should have the knowledge and experience to back away and try something different until you are ready to move to the next level
At your current level of experience find a Dom who respects your limits but for you to understand that they will challenge them later hope that helps

Why should a Dom push or challenge hard limits? That's not the "next level". That's not respecting boundaries. They're called hard limits for a reason.

[Deleted Member]

Sorry to hear about your uncomfortable experiences,a decent, understanding Dom that respects and accepts YOUR boundaries too is needed.Most Dom's,masters, mistresses,subs and from what I can see and experienced myself there are good, decent, understanding people on this site and you will fulfill your pleasures,needs and new experiences with someone or a few on here👍.I'm fairly new to this but as you get more confident this lifestyle becomes easier and more enjoyable with the right people's.If you need a chat I'm here,we all are👍.

[Deleted Member]

If he’s pushing hard limits then that’s a massive red flag. Everything must remain consensual. Please look after yourself and put yourself first health/mentality wise.

[Mz****]

I presume you've reminded them of your limits beyond your first excited conversation, as you said you'd made your limits clear? If you have, walk away, now. If they don't respect your limits now they never will..you shouldn't feel pressured or uncomfortable, if you met in person and they didn't respect your limits the consequences could be devastating.

Do you have a safeword? Have you used it? Have they stopped when you have or just carried on pushing you? Has this person shown you anything of themselves besides their dick? Offered any aftercare? Do you feel you have a real connection where you want to push yourself to please them, or is it just chat? These are all things you should consider, kinks and limits Can evolve, but that doesn't mean they will..and certainly not with someone who doesn't respect limits set, and can't see that they're moving too fast or too hard.

Online play is a great way for some to experience aspects of bdsm..safely and at a distance, and to explore the kinks that your interested in, it may be this Dom is a complete fantasist, or they could be a newbie themselves testing waters they don't really know how to swim in, or they could be a online predator looking for new meat. .but whoever they are you're not obligated to message or talk to them, meet them or cam for them..just tell them you are no longer interested, if they message again beyond an okay and good luck, block them.

Its often difficult to say no when your new, theres frequently an underlying gravitas that means you tolerate more than perhaps you should because you think they know better and you can get sucked in.. Online predators use this, they will say words like "if you  really want to be a sub.." or "A real sub would."  or "I am the Dom you should listen to me"...Always see these and words like them as red flags and avoid people who use them.

 

[Cu****]

There is no way that you should feel pressured to panda to someone else's, undiscussed, personal agenda. So many Doms seem to think that once they have a connection with a sub, they can do whatever they like. They can't. The authority/terms under which you agreed to a connection have been broken. You're completely within your rights to walk away. If you don't, you are signifying that it's ok, that it's acceptable, despite the fact that he's using an abusive and bullying tactic, in order to get his own way. Which means that he'll do it again...and again.
Where are the conversations? Checking, caring, listening, understanding, compromising, are all extremely important. Perhaps he did when you originally started out. But he has to ask, and check every time, unless you've approved a kind of cnc approach. Even then, he must check. Nothing's taken for granted.
The only way he'll learn, is to stop everything, and to make him realise that you're a human being and not his doormat.
As for limits changing during the connection, as mentioned by leighton606, the only way that a Dom might succeed in achieving this, is to talk and gently try to persuade, and lead by example. If a hard limit were candle wax, then the Dom shows the way he would do it, and he does it to himself in front of the sub; basically, side by side. Forcing someone, out of the blue, is a huge mistreatment and distrust of power. Steamrollering something personal to the Dom, because he fancied doing it, is no way towards understanding and receiving acceptance from a trusting sub.
Bite back. Leave.

[Cu****]

A golden rule is if you wont accept it vanilla dont accept it kink

A good Dom accepts and respects limits. Especially hard limits. Those that push hard or tell you that you are not a real sub because you dont do what they say are not read doms but are ***rs. Trust your gut. If it dont feel right it wont play right.

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, leighton606 said:

At your current level of experience find a Dom who respects your limits but for you to understand that they will challenge them later 

I don't actually agree with this section..in my view a hard limit is a hard limit, its not there to be explored or pushed, unlike soft limits which may be. Potentially a s type may wish to explore something they have as a hard limit I agree, but I personally don't believe that's up to the D, that's entirely in the hands of the s, and I'd be very wary were I submissive, of any D that told me my hard limits would be challenged as a matter of course.

[ey****]

4 hours ago, xoprincesa said:

What would be correct to do if a Dom is persistent on me doing something even though it’s been established as a hard limit? I’m calling pressured and uncomfortable although I made my hard and soft limits clear any advice?

give them a final warning that if they persist you will block them

or just block them

your call

because if they're not taking your no, they will never ever improve

[Deleted Member]

In response to @MzJax i meant that limits should be discussed as part of the subs training and a hard limit shouldn’t be crossed or the sub coerced into being pushed over the limit set but is up to the sub to want to push past limits set as a beginner and new limits set as they progress again as part of an ongoing discussion

[Deleted Member]

In the end the sub must feel comfortable with the Dom and trust that their limits will be complied with and not ***d in session if being pushed at this point in the relationship then they are not the right fit and should be wary of putting themselves in their care

[Deleted Member]

Few questions: how many Doms do you have?
Are you into a Ds relationship or just play around online?
How many time would you be tolerant of someone slap you in the face before you hold his hand and said stop?

Obviously you are new, so try to find the right dom for you by asking as many questions you can about his way of dominance. Find an experienced sub that can guide you about red flag or how to avoid future ***.
I would ditch that guy and block him. As mentioned below, he’s on the way to use and *** you for his own end.

For the person below:
Hard limits are a serious issue! When a sub decide it’s a no zone a Dom should never try to enter it!!! It’s up to the sub to decide before a Ds that she will never try, be talk about.
This is why we have soft limits or test limits for…

Hard Limit is one of the pillar of trust

[ey****]

37 minutes ago, leighton606 said:

In response to @MzJax i meant that limits should be discussed as part of the subs training and a hard limit shouldn’t be crossed or the sub coerced into being pushed over the limit set but is up to the sub to want to push past limits set as a beginner and new limits set as they progress again as part of an ongoing discussion

I feel there's something unhealthy in a dynamic that begins

"What are your limits?"

"x, y, z"

"One day you will break x and z for me"

because it's already started with a view of breaking initial consent

the only difference is

"I know I've previously said y was a limit, but I'd like to try to do something with it" or "One day I'd like to overcome x, but that won't be for a while" 

[Mz****]

29 minutes ago, leighton606 said:

In response to @MzJax i meant that limits should be discussed as part of the subs training and a hard limit shouldn’t be crossed or the sub coerced into being pushed over the limit set but is up to the sub to want to push past limits set as a beginner and new limits set as they progress again as part of an ongoing discussion

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but are you saying that the sub should want to get past their hard limits set as a beginner? Because again, I don't share that opinion..I've found newcomers to the scene, the serious ones anyway, have done some research, and know what they are not interested in much more than they know what might interest them, for whatever reason..I've had the same hard limits for over 30 years for example, soft ones have come and gone but the hard have stayed hard..sometimes kinks and limits do evolve, relationships and dynamics strengthen and trust develops and grows and if they want to revisit a hard limit the opportunity is/ should be there, assuming the D doesn't have the same limit of course, and obviously keeping the lines of communication open on the subject is important too..but, I personally don't believe that hard limits should be seen as something to get past unless the s is specifically asking for that. I'd wager the majority are not.

[Deleted Member]

Ditch the Dom!! Hard limits are a fundamental 'mainstay' of trust.

[xo****]

Thank you so much to everyone on your honest feedback and advice ! It’s definitely opened my eyes, given me some perspective and has made me feel seen and comforted :)

[Dr****]

The sub has the real power.
They set limits(hard and soft) , rules, boundaries, type of play, safe words, and they pick the Dom. Once everything is negotiated, only then does the power transfer to the Dom.
The Dom then abides by everything negotiated. The Dom may push you to edge, but NEVER goes beyond what is negotiated.
That is a quick way to lose trust in the dynamic.
The dynamic is based on trust, respect, rules, safety, and care.
And once the sub calls it off, they Dom has 0 control. If you decide you don't want that partner, they can no longer request anything from you.
A previous topic a while back said sub called it off and the Dom made her visit for 2 weeks and get beat. That is NOT a Dom... that's an ***r. The second the sub calls it off, the dynamic is NO MORE. Don't let anyone fool you, with that.
Be safe in your play and only do what is enjoyable and comfortable to you and your limits.
YOU a the sub have the power!!

[ey****]

6 minutes ago, Drago6Alucard9 said:

The sub has the real power.

this is something that often comes up and is still a bit of a myth

of course, the sub can safeword, revoke consent, break it off, so on - at any time

*but so can the Dominant*

The Dominant abides by the agreed negotiation

*but so does the sub*

And relationships can fall apart either such way.  I've seen Dominants tell their submissives "I don't enjoy beating you to the levels you like" and this has caused a lot of bratting, boundary pushing, and other pushing to try to coerce out the level of beating they like.  Or, of course, causing the sub to lose loyalty.

Just as a sub who was "I know we negotiated I would do x, y and z- but I'm no longer enjoying x and y" - this is valid communication but depending on the importance and enjoyment of these to the Dominant - can lead to the relationship breakdown

And of course, sometimes - there are submissives end up in relationships where they don't enjoy certain elements of it but are afraid to speak up about those in case it ends the relationship - and - that's an example of where things can be unhealthy. 

[ny****]

What you should do is recognize that this is not a real Dom. Real Doms understand dynamics are built on trust and respect. If this Dom is not willing to respect your limits after claiming they would. Leave as fast as you can. This is an unfortunate side effect of online only relationships. To many of these faux-Doms you’re disposable masturbation material so they dont care about things like respecting limits or your needs.

[AS****]

They can catch a block. That's just being disrespectful and making it harder for people to feel safe within the community.