Anyone heal trauma of any kind with BDSM?

[Ro****]

I’m married and I was sexually assaulted and have childhood trauma as well. I’ve been in therapy almost 2 years and I’m better in some ways, but I still get triggered and find myself in fight or flight during sex, even if we use the traffic light system. Being blindfolded helps with my self consciousness, but I’m also a very submissive person and my husband doesn’t seem sure of himself sometimes. I haven’t had a really positive experience since the assault, 7 years ago. I mentioned the thought of me seeing a dom and he flipped. I said we could both go so he could learn to be more dom. He eventually said “do what you need to”, but he doesn’t mean that. Any positive experiences working through trauma? I don’t need details. I know it’s very personal.

[thatbabymia]

Yes. A lot of my coping mechanisms for my trauma play some part into BDSM and how I choose to function as a dynamic and even on my own. Learning and finding my s-type as well as working toward being a strong, capable, educated submissive gives me purpose, and it makes me feel like I can do anything. Find what's comfortable for you, and run with it.

[Nikki_Hexy]

Ultimately no one should have to live through *** or assault, be it mentally or physically, but there are a lot of answers for a lot of people that i could give and it be true for some and not for others deppending on your unique perspective, needs and requirements.
Some people might want to try to be the D type after being taken advantage of to help with the feeling of power loss.
Others would be to talk about your experience with your husband one to one. He is your husband and he has taken a vow or an oath to be with you and help you through the good times and the bad.
Ultimately you are one half of your relationship/Dynamic and as a result you have the power to bring up ideas or talk about boundries and requirements during aftercare etc.

[Deleted Member]

I'm a Dom and bdsm helps me heading as well. At the same time i had some nice experience with subs that actually why though heading during our play. My current pay partner has been sexually assaulted anally when she was a ***ager, it took a couple of weeks to properly address the situation. A lot of orgasm, patience and tears later she partially overcome the trauma so that we can have anal intercourse regularly. I have other examples to make. As of my experience, i understood that must people in the scene have some kind of trauma their working with.

Maybe he would feel less intimidated if you would visit a fem Dom out you could have an online relationship with a Dom. I hope you can go though the process of sexual healing together and find a way to gift each other with love. I wish you a pleasant recovery

[Wo****]

@Rosebud27

"Any positive experiences?"....

Yes!

 

I've been submissive. I needed to be blindfolded, tied... it allowed me to enjoy it. Took away the fight or flight option...

 

Being submissive gave me back my control. I submitted because I chose to rather than being ***d.

 

Radical honesty and constant communication. Discussion about triggers. 

Is your husband dominant? Or kinky? "Do what you need to do" is that in a "I give up, you'll do it anyway" way or "do what you need to heal"

 

For me, it was ***ful, examining my feelings about it all but sometimes you need to reopen a wound to clean it out to allow it to heal.

There were a lot of tears and a lot of old, buried feelings to process but the freedom it brought me is life changing, for the better.

 

Good luck 🤗🙏

[Phoenyx]

@Rosebud27, Is it that your husband is unsure about being dominant?  Or, is it that he does not fully know your triggers---he ***s accidentally hitting one?  You may need to discuss your know triggers with him, in more detail.  As for the possibly unknown triggers, you may want to offer your husband forgiveness ahead of time, should an accidental trigger occur.  Still, stay true to your word.  The *** of encountering a trigger could cause you to lash-out.  Unfortunately, *** has a way of doing that.  Try to stop yourself---take a deep breath, and let the endorphins do the rest.  Of course, if he blatantly ignores a known trigger, all bets are off.

I commend you, for trying to push your limits.  That is one of the best ways to heal, and you will eventually find that you are a stronger person, as a result.

When you mentioned "seeing a Dom", were you referring to a professional?  An experienced Dom would want your husband to come with you, during the intake.  He should be able to explain how his services could help to enhance your relationship/, and describe what is about to take place.  Such services could take many forms.  For example, you could have a full play session with the Dom, which may seem to end abruptly at its height.  You would then be sent home, to complete the session with your husband.  Or, he could have a session where your husband plays the dominant, while the Dom observes your reactions, and guides your husband's hand (so to speak).  A "session" might even be as simple as sitting down with you and your husband, and coaching your play strategies.  There are many options.  Whatever the case, it is important that your husband be intimately involved in such a process.  You do not want to get involved in any kind of "secret affair".  In fact, most experienced Doms will not touch an "affair" situation.  Be wary of any who will.

As to the question of whether to see a lady Domme, that is up to you.  You will need to deeply review your own interests and triggers, before making such a decision.  This idea may seem OK, or deeply abhorrent.  That is purely your decision---don't let anyone pressure you to go against your instincts.  Remember, all Dom/mes are different.  No two (man or woman) are the same.  It may take some searching, before you find the right one.

I hope that this helps.  Good luck in your search.

[Deleted Member]

I don't have any answers for you, but what a tough situation you are in. I hope you find some help on here.

[Nicky898]

I am submissive and finding out more about myself in the lifestyle I realised I had still had trauma and doing things to cope or not doing. I found a trauma counsellor , shes also in the lifestyle so can talk about anything and it’s best thing I have ever done. The work I’ve done on myself has helped me which has then improved all relationships in my life . So for me the lifestyle helped me realise I needed to work on me and find a trauma counsellor which over time has helped me as a person. Me as a submissive is still there I like what I like, hope this helps xx

[Ps****]

I just want to clarify that I'm not putting this on you at all, but I can empathise with your husband to a certain extent.

A previous partner of mine led me to believe we were in an exclusive relationship, and I was head of heels for her.

Over time I noticed some really odd behaviour around her modelling shoots that she put on Instagram, and eventually discovered that she was flirting with her admirers, and sending nudes to her ex and possibly others which absolutely broke me.

When I tried to talk to her about it, she would get super defensive in an instant, blame her past trauma, make me feel like shit for having any feelings around it and pretty much shut down any kind of reasoning or discourse around it. It was fucking brutal!

By the time our relationship fully collapsed, I'd heard everything blamed on her trauma and other people, and I just felt numb about it.

I would never dream of taking anything away from anyone who has endured trauma. I've been there myself. However the *** spreads further than the tree trunk, and it can be a difficult thing for loved ones to come to terms with too.

Take care of yourself, but don't stop communicating with the people who matter. Both ways! We all have feelings.

[ey****]

While some people have found kink has helped them through trauma, it isn't a substitution for proper therapy and comes with it's own problems.

For example - a reliance on kink works for as good as it is available - if, for example you are paying to see a Dominant this works so long as you can afford to (especially if you are, as would be important, continuing therapy) 

That also feeling like you 'need' kink to help healing can also lead to making bad decisions.  So for example - I think most sub women could probably turn up at a fetish event and pick up a partner for play relatively easily - this doesn't mean this is a good idea : particularly as while there are many respectable Dominants there are also those who are opportunists and so you could engage in play that is wrong for you.

It is important, of course, for your partner to help support you - but there are lines to this support and so engaging in behaviour that could push him away can lead to further negative spirals. 

[Deleted Member]

I agree with what eyemblacksheep has mentioned entirely. There are therapist, whether they be a psychiatrist who specialises in sexual trauma (it's important here to recognise that a psychiatrist is an actual medical Dr and hence the cost) or a therapist such as a Councillor, who is still highly trained and should be able to help. I don't know if you've ever spoken to your husband about your trauma but od not it is where I would start. There are also very reputable people who specialise in introductory training for couples in dom/sub play, I'd look at those. It would seem that tour partner gaining confidence, whilst supporting you would ideal. I wish you the very best of luck, and hope you find the balance that helps with healing

[Th****]

I find myself caught between two views here.

Firstly I totally agree with @eyemblacksheep in regards to the fact that Dominants are no replacement for professional assistance in your issues. 

Though in so doing I feel a hypocrite as 2 of my submissives from LTR's both had quite serious issues with early sexual trauma. Neither were happy seeking professional help due to issues related to said trauma that was totally understandable in context.

The first was a little easier to deal with as it was mainly confidence building,  not undermining, total honesty and creating a feeling of absolute trust. Anyone in the lifestyle here will recognise these as being pretty much the tenant's of BDSM anyway.

The second was far more severe and complex as she had had medical professionals used against her by her ***r. The "How can you say such a thing you must be mad, go see this Doctor." type of ploy. There was no way she would seek psychiatric help but she did talk to our General Practitioner for counselling. 

A delightfully non judgmental lady who became kink aware very quickly, bless here. 

Her main issue was severe night terrors but she wanted to recreate the same acts in a tender , loving , consensual, bdsm relationship. Her theory was that it would help over write the previous memories.

We took it very slow and if we hit a trigger, which was often, as we had no idea where they were, play totally stopped and I focused on comforting her of course.

Over a long period and with a lot of patience, her bad memories were mostly overwritten with more positive and recent ones. It is no easy path and no quick fix. 

To any one who is on the Top side it will take great patience and you will need to put your needs second a lot.

Personally, I do not think you need a dominant for this, you need a long term, committed, caring individual that you can trust to stop dead when you hit a trigger and absolutely put you first.

So you may want to reconsider your husband for this, if he is scared he will hurt you, good. That is healthy, he may. He can get a Mentor if needs be, to help if he gets stuck. There are some great resources.

 The Thriver Workbook: Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver!  by Susan M. Omilian is a great read as well 

Good luck on your journey, take care, and be careful , my DM's are open to you both any time if you have questions you do not want to post here.

 

 

 

[Phoenyx]

I can understand a lot of folks being hesitant to see a "professional therapist" (at least, here in the U.S.).  Here, many therapists tend to be judgemental.  They are pressured by the licensing system to "normalize" people, rather than help them.  Too often, dealings with a therapist end-up more traumatic than the original trauma.  Hence, the common joke that "therapist" actually spells "the rapist".  A friend of mine even calls therapists, "personality critics".

I am not trying to discourage anyone from getting professional help.  I am merely trying to point-out why so many folks are deathly afraid of "professionals".  Add-in the potentially serious side-effects of the antidepressants and antipsychotics that the doctors here, hand-out like candy.  The psychiatric industry here has a lower trust rating than that of Congress!  So, convincing someone to get that kind of help, can be quite difficult.

On top of all that, is the problem of "cost" and the fact that most insurance carriers here, don't cover "mental" health or "wellness" visits.

[Ro****]

@Bounty I kind of box my husband in with my trauma. I was friends with him and probably without realizing it got into our relationship too quickly. He’s never been able to be dom in his previous relationships and is afraid to retraumatize me, but he tries. It’s not perfect. He meant to do what I felt I needed to as in I’d do it anyway. I agreed to Sex therapy with him, but I know deep down it’s what I need to have a happy sex life. I hope it’s with him in the end. If not my mental health is important and he needs to understand that too. I will always love him no matter what we go through.

[Ro****]

@Phoenyx My husband is extremely unsure about being dominant. He doesn’t want to retraumatize me which I understand. I brought up going together and that he could learn how to be more dom and we could learn how to have the dynamic that best works for us. He doesn’t want anyone seeing me naked or touching me. He’s very jealous. I’ve told him there are professional doms and he said “ it’s considered sex work” and finds a way out of it. I brought up having just him see a domme so he would understand what I would be doing possibly. Again no. I am in therapy, but I feel the need for my mental health. I know just because I’ve brought it up he’s said he’s going to question whether I’m meeting people, as in multiple people. He doesn’t have a lot of self esteem or confidence and that worries me.

[Switchitup85]

I have been there same sort of situation and I have to say I switch when I'm sub I give all that negative feeling up I can let go I totally zone out of real life and when I dom I can release that pent up frustration and my partner loves it , it helps that I have found the love of my life with my partner he completes me . We have only recently opened up to each other about what we want it's so freeing iv never been able to donthat with anyone apart from him he knows my past and is very aware of what might traumatise me and helps me through it . Iv been assaulted by multiple men and thought I was broken , our connection through bdsm has healed those dark parts of me .

[Ch****]

BDSM can be a powerful way to take control of a traumatic event and experience the same in a hot and consentual way. Many people find their kink to be related and that's quite normal.

However, if it's not your kink, I wouldn't advise seeking it out for the***utic reasons, try to get a real therapist if possible, there are also charities if you want to seek help more anonymously.