Difficult to find real onlinesubs

[Deleted Member]

Hey everyone, 

I'm quite new here and joined the community with the idea to find an online sub. I had one years ago. So I started writing with a lot of girls, who are describing themselves as submissive, searching cybersex and want pictures change. So I asked them if they are interested in a long term online play relationship. I focused on american girls.

I tell them that I'm not an native american and want to have fun and improve my language skills at the same time. 

Okay we started and I give first advices, not really difficult things and asked what kind of toys they have. General stuff with personal limitations and so on. 

OK they write they want fulfill their tasks and I was happy. But I told them I want to see the fulfillment proof with pictures or/and videos.

 

Most girls are shocked after I ask them about the pictures and canceled the conversation. 

Do I misunderstand the terms cybersex and picture exchange here so wrong? 

I told them everytime they should send full nudes without face for private security or put them in a closed gallery. 

 

So what can I do? I invest here time and it's everytime the same... 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Sy****]

Typically, people only do these things with others they trust.

Maybe try talking for a week or two before and bdsm stuff.

[ey****]

one of course possibility is that you're not talking to who you think you are

-

but also

I know there are ladies happy to do pic exchanges - but a lot - where, actually when it especially comes down to send photos they often have a lot to lose.  So, I can totally empathise with someone lost in doing something but then it becomes "OK, you're now sending incriminating photos to someone you don't know" and doing a bit of a safety/reality check

I know someone who found her "online Dom" was distributing photos of her without her consent.  Like, would you be happy if she said "OK, I will send you these photos if you send me, say, your ID" 

[Ch****]

Ive done some online tasks with people i intend to meet, it helps build up the trust and get a sense of how things work within potential partners ect. Tasks would only start after a couple of weeks chatting, by this time a good sense of 'yes we potentially match and connect enough to meet'. I would only send certain angles/pics, nothing that could identify me, so nothing that includes tattoos ect.
Someone asking for more than that would be red flag for me in such an early stage. It doesnt prove im 'sub' by doing it. Picture exchange goes both ways too, if im sending then i would expect things in return, not just nudes as im not interested in those, but just in general things.
There has only been a very small amount of people in my lifetime that i would trust with full identifying photos/video of me.

[Cheveyo]

It takes time to build a relationship. Not just a few days. Discuss what both of your goals are in a relationship. Build trust.

[Deleted Member]

Agree with SyntheticDivine and eyemblacksheep, just like an in person D/s relationship you have to have trust first and that takes time.

[MommyDomme84]

I agree with others. Too many fake ass Doms come on here wanting to own someone after just meeting. It doesn't work that way. And there are tonnnnnns that just want pics. So if I send a pic to someone right off the bat, the chances that they ghost the next day, increase a thousand fold. That is just how it works. It doesn't matter if YOU aren't going to do that, it is what they have experienced over and over again.

[SubSam21]

Maybe upload a couple of pictures. These things are all about trust and developing relationships, definitely won’t happen over night.

[Deleted Member]

I'm a little confused. You've been here 25 days. Are you talking about other sites as well as this one? What you're asking for isn't unusual in my opinion. I am wondering how much time you're spending talking with a woman before you launch into tasks. Are you really communicating clearly with her. Answering her questions. Giving reassurance. Getting to know her. Your English is not brilliant but you've said you're trying to improve that via online play. The thing is that online play requires great communication. Or it goes wrong and people get hurt and upset. Perhaps you need to start off smaller and talk more. Perhaps even find a mentor.

[ge****]

I think the biggest mistake you're making is thinking that there is a difference between an on-line D/s relationship and a real-time one - and yes of course there *are* obvious differences, but in terms of all the fundamentals of building to a relationship there really is no difference - it's all about building trust, respect, boundaries, limits and finding a dynamic that works for *both* of you.

As I read your OP the term "walking before you run" sprang to mind and I think that's exactly what you need to do - take a step back and get to know the person first, put aside any notion of tasks and similar until you are *both* ready to take that step - and even when you are, take small steps and don't expect everything all at once. Let them dictate when they're ready to send intimate pictures - don't demand them. If you set a task, you have to put it to trust it's been completed, or try asking them how doing it made them feel rather than expecting pictorial "proof" - sure make it clear that pics would be welcome, if they feel comfortable to send them, but also make it clear you don't expect them unless they're ready or willing to send them.

[Ar****]

I have to echo what's already been said. I consider myself to have had two long-term long-distance online BDSM dynamics. With both, I felt it crucial for me to make sure my sub knew they never had to send me anything above what they were comfortable with - it is to be treated no differently to any other limit.

 

One was with a girl living in the Netherlands. She set down the boundaries of what she was comfortable with, and more importantly what she wanted to achieve/how she wanted to progress. Despite never seeing her face or indeed ever learning her real name, we had an amazing and happy time over a considerable period and I even consider her to be the person I have provided the most successful (as in rewarding to the recipient) training to. None of that would have been possible if I had come in heavy-handed during our first interactions making demands about what she needed to do/show me.

 

The other was built even more cautiously. A little playful fun on the night we met on an awfully dubious website, it took a steady nurturing of a personal connection before she became fully comfortable being at my service, so to speak and with all the displaying that involved. Nearly two months of messaging and exchanging intimate pictures and videos almost every day as a part of our dynamic before - to my sheer delight - one day she sent me a face pic. Eventually I could see how attached we were becoming and seeing as she lives a considerable distance away I decided to end things before one of us found somebody "in the real world" and it caused hurt for the other. I was blessed that she understood and agreed it was for the best and still wanted to be friends. That was over a year ago. We have become one of each other's closest friends; we still message every day, support each other, laugh together, have no regrets about calling time on the dynamic we had. There is no flirting or kink talk, except for sending each other the occasional meme we know the other might find amusing. And a couple of months ago we finally met in person, went for a brew and a walk then hung out in the park.

 

You might protest that they were still willing to send images largely from the start, if so you've missed the point. These relationships were formed from foundations of respect for my sub's terms and fostering an authentic connection where I showed as much (genuine) interest in life aspects such as how their day at work had been, who they are as a fellow human, and what they want for their future as I did for our kink relationship. If you can try to do the same or similar, you should find you will have more success. I hope I'm making sense.

[rossco-4359]

So you’re expecting photos but don’t put any up yourself ? Sending someone nude or compromising photos needs an immense amount of trust & it doesn’t sound like your willing to give time to build up that trust, so it sounds untrustworthy to expect photos from someone who could literally anyone

[Deleted Member]

So first I have to say that I want to build up a trustful relationship and would sending pictures back. Of course it needs time and I'm in general have a strong interest on the real life of the women - I mean and I hope it's written right - what are Partner feels, does she have a good or bad day, habits all these normal and special things of a human. But often I get messages like oh yeah I will do it. The women I have written here are not really interested in personal things with a long term perspective... 

[Deleted Member]

So first I have to say that I want to build up a trustful relationship and would sending pictures back. Of course it needs time and I'm in general have a strong interest on the real life of the women - I mean and I hope it's written right - what are Partner feels, does she have a good or bad day, habits all these normal and special things of a human. But often I get messages like oh yeah I will do it. The women I have written here are not really interested in personal things with a long term perspective... 

How can I'll be sure the person on the other side is real? Do anyone here suggestions I can verify it? 

[ge****]

Sadly with most on-line interaction there is no 100% guarantee of someone being real other than having a good instinct and sensing it for yourself - of course there are methods such as asking for a very specific picture, or video calling etc - but not everyone who is real would be willing to do even those things immediately, and suggesting them runs the danger of suggesting mistrust on your part.

That said good instincts are usually a good start - avoiding sex talk at the very beginning is usually a way of building on those instincts, as is paying attention to what the other person is saying for indications they may not be what they seem (trying to go straight to sex chat can be a good indication, asking to move to other platforms or sign up for pay sites are others - although none of those specifically are 100% proof of a fake either).

Other ways are to check their profile - do they have a well written thought out one, or an overly crude one, or lots of friends, are they active around forums and chat rooms and how do they interact in them - again none of those things are a guarantee of them being fake or genuine, but they all help to start to build a picture that you can then use to confirm or deny your instincts.

Ultimately sometimes you can just "tell" when something is not as it seems - as the old saying goes, "if it smells fishy it usually is fishy"