How to pick up a 'third', not a turd...?!

[Ju****]

How would people in this community go about picking up a third player/partner?

 

I had a discussion with a good friend who is open to the idea of introducing a 3rd person / play partner to their relationship with their partner but have found it very hard. So we had a chat and some questions (which I've numbered, incase anyone can provide advice), came up so I was looking for some opinions. 

 

 

Bringing in a 3rd as part of the relationship. - What is your process?  (1)

Get to know them, go on vanilla dates and see if you all get along? (2)

What do you ask them or vet them for? Background research or people who can vouch for them? (3)

How long is suitable to get to know someone who may enter into a relationship as a 3rd? (4)

Is entering into a relationship with a couple easily to get mistaken as benig a unicorn/dragon and if so how can you stop this from being the case besides communication? (5)

 

A couple looking for a 3rd under the hope of a regular play or D/S partner. 

Again how do they do this with it remaining as such and not violating or seeping into the relationship itself? (6)

What if a regular partner of play becomes attached and vice versa, is it wise to try to allow them into the relationship as an equal partner per se? (7)

For those who catch those pesky feels and emotions easily, how can you prevent this from occuring with a play partner? (8)

Obviously communicate and list things off to begin play under the same understanding amongst each other but can this change? (9)

 

And lastly, if a couple was looking for a ONE OFF sex or play session with a 3rd, how would this be done. 

Do you spend time getting to know the 3rd or can this be dangerous in the sense of getting too involved, or keep it to a minimum? (10)

Do you just get to know basic compatibilities and meet up to see how everyone feels? (11)

Do you vet them in some way before jumping into bed with them? (12)

Would you just pick someone up at a bar and keep it anonymous and if so, how do you ensure safety with said person before bringing them home / going home with them? (13)

Would you contact this person again after said sex/play session or keep the the agreement of a one off and cheerio kinda thing? (14)

 

Any advice on an established couple who may want to take these steps, what to be mindful of or look out for with flags? (15)

Would a one off play partner require aftercare, and if so how can this be done if they are not going to see the couple again? (16)

If a play partner or relationship partner fell out with said couple, how can things be kept mutual and respectful. Meaning if things went sour or they fell out, can an ex play/partner cause grief for the couple or rock the relationship? How can this be prevented? (17)

 

 

(This is NOT for me. I have no interest personally to a 3rd play/partner so that is why I have taken to ask here, as I alone cannot give adequate advice to my friend). 

 

Thanks ***ps.

[Deleted Member]

as it is a potential mind field of what ifs, the only thing that makes sense is complete honesty with all people involved, even if this means the chance of catching feelings. Run through all the what ifs and gauge everyone's reaction and responses, if something feels awkward or no one can give adequate reassurances it could be potential for trouble down the line. x

[ey****]

So. My wife and I, simply, aren't looking for a 3rd

But. If it happens it might be nice. That's kinda our process.  But my wife does have a girlfriend - I currently have no other relationships but did have a Mistress.

I think, rather than looking for a 3rd, we just look for our own things in our own time and if it happens... then that's great.

--

We have done one-off play as a couple.  This has usually involved either us doing a Double session together with a sub - or - my wife has Dominated me with somebody else.  

For these one-offs it was very easy : these were already people we were friends with - so a lot was straight forward and we all knew what it was.

--

I think one of the things sometimes is - in considering any form of opening of, or extending, relationships - under an alternative route, would both you and your partner be free to find your own partners? And a possibility one might like the other also?  A challenge with this is of course if one person finds a new relationship and there's no other compatibility/connection so the other person feels left out : this is a problem in general in seeking a 3rd, because it often ends up that the woman in the couple is sent to bring in another women that is expected to also have a relationship with the man.   While it doesn't always quite work out like that (other combos are available) you can see how this can be a flag and can be bad

[Ju****]

14 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So. My wife and I, simply, aren't looking for a 3rd

But. If it happens it might be nice. That's kinda our process.  But my wife does have a girlfriend - I currently have no other relationships but did have a Mistress.

I think, rather than looking for a 3rd, we just look for our own things in our own time and if it happens... then that's great.

--

We have done one-off play as a couple.  This has usually involved either us doing a Double session together with a sub - or - my wife has Dominated me with somebody else.  

For these one-offs it was very easy : these were already people we were friends with - so a lot was straight forward and we all knew what it was.

--

I think one of the things sometimes is - in considering any form of opening of, or extending, relationships - under an alternative route, would both you and your partner be free to find your own partners? And a possibility one might like the other also?  A challenge with this is of course if one person finds a new relationship and there's no other compatibility/connection so the other person feels left out : this is a problem in general in seeking a 3rd, because it often ends up that the woman in the couple is sent to bring in another women that is expected to also have a relationship with the man.   While it doesn't always quite work out like that (other combos are available) you can see how this can be a flag and can be bad

Thanks for your input. 

Again this is in no way associated with me as its not my thing at all... but im sure comments will help the person it is beneficial to. 

You make some valid points :) thank you

[Ju****]

1 hour ago, FitGirl said:

as it is a potential mind field of what ifs, the only thing that makes sense is complete honesty with all people involved, even if this means the chance of catching feelings. Run through all the what ifs and gauge everyone's reaction and responses, if something feels awkward or no one can give adequate reassurances it could be potential for trouble down the line. x

This is exactly why i do not engagr in 3rds myself. 

Too much can go wrong and id rather not rock that boat. Im an emotional mess tho haha. 

 But some do like this idea of a 3rd and i couldnt give them an ounce of help as to what is good or bad besides my own opinion of *never fuckin ever for me lol

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

This is exactly why i do not engagr in 3rds myself. 

Too much can go wrong and id rather not rock that boat. Im an emotional mess tho haha. 

 But some do like this idea of a 3rd and i couldnt give them an ounce of help as to what is good or bad besides my own opinion of *never fuckin ever for me lol

I agree it can get messy (not in the good way)

twos company, threes a crowd and fours a party 

[Ni****]

I've only had one mff session, with my submissive and a playmate I found and asked to join us on this site. We chatted in a private kik group I created for the three of us alone, so we could get to know each other and decide if we were a match and would actually meet. It went well so we met for a weekend of fun 😈 😁 the playmate was a one off, so no problems with jealousy, etc.

[StickyTrickster]

So the big problem with people searching for unicorns largely comes down to that whilst they’re all gung-ho about finding someone either for some threesome fantasies or for one of the partner’s to explore bisexuality frequently they give little to know thought about the needs of the third person they seek.

For instance if the only needs of theirs the couple are willing to fulfil is the sexual ones that are compatible with the couple then are they willing for the third to continue seeking relationships where they can have their emotional and other sexual needs also catered too?  If so then if you’re happy to just interact sexually with another couple – then save yourself the bother and just go swinging.

If not then what is the plan?  If you’re wanting that exclusivity you need to ensure the needs of everyone is being catered to.  That also means their emotional needs too.  This means you’re going to be maintaining 4 relationships in this scenario, the relationship between A and B, between B and C, between A and C and the meta-relationship between all three of you.

Many existing couples get nervous at this and start thinking about how to protect and preserve the existing relationship though how can it ever be fair if two people in a three-person relationship can always play the “seniority” trump card as unless they break up their relationship will always have been running for longer.

If they are open to ensuring the needs of all partners can be met, then should consider looking into polyamory, even if they don’t want to identify as poly, the tips from it can help navigate multiple relationships.  It is however important to note that polyamory is not a fix for existing relationship issues.

From this perspective I’ll echo much of @eyemblacksheep has said.  Rather than assume anyone that shows interest in your partner must also be willing to jump in the sack with you recognise that each relationship between each person is its own unique entity.  For instance my partner currently seeks vanilla partners to explore her bisexuality on her terms whilst I currently seek partners for kinky exploration – there is no assumption anyone either of us get in a relationship with would need to be anything more than cordial with each other if they ever wished to meet.

But if they’re not willing to try meet the needs of their third, nor give them the freedom to seek those needs elsewhere they are essentially looking for someone to forego all their needs bar the ones another couple can agree on whilst simultaneously the more attractive options of find a partner and swing or polyamory exist for any potential third to get their desires to play with multiple partners on much better terms…

If they’re not willing to go down the swinging or polyamory routes themselves as a couple I reckon their best bet is looking for one-off interactions where they can try appeal to those that consider themselves typically monogamous but whilst single might like to try a threesome fantasy they have had.  They will however need to find someone else to advise them on that, I don’t do casual sexual relationship much preferring to be able to build on-going sexual adventures within a pre-existing relationship, best I can give in that regard is if for some reason you need to organise a gang bang/bukkake then post a personal and make clear only those willing to get a recent STI-test will be invited to participate.

 

I feel like I haven't been much help to the specific questions posed though so to sort of amalgamate questions 6, 7 and 8 together from my poly point of view...

Of course adding a new person to the relationship changes things.  They are a living breathing person, not a sex doll that can be tossed back into the cupboard when done with.  You're creating new relationship between each of you as individuals and all together.  Whether that is wise is for you all to decide, multi-person relationships aren't for everyone.  I grew up in a house full of dogs, I loved all of them, each in different ways for their various quirks and personalities - as a result for me multi-person relationships are similar.  I love each partner for the unique individual that they are and what we share together and that it is not diminished by also loving others.  Obviously though ensuring everyone's needs are met in the relationship requires ensuring balancing your time to meet everyone's needs.  It also means being able to be happy for your partners to meet any needs with others.  This is where most have a problem, most view relationships like needing to possess or hold on tightly to a partner such that jealousy will be an issue.  Whether people can and want to work through those issues will determine if it is wise or not, the answer is not the same for all people.