Boundries and responsibility

[lolli-leigh]

so last week, I was in the lobby and was quite surprised at someone who mentioned Boundries and it being the Dom/Domme responsibility to set boundaries.

I have taken time to write this because I wanted to take the anger out of my thoughts and make this a rational post.So hear goes my thoughts. 

1. Each one of us are responsible for own thoughts, feelings and boundaries in life, kink, bdsm etc

2.Clear communication for both D/s is paramount to safe play and protects both D/s

3. As a sub you can not place boundarie settings on a Dom/Domme. As a Dom/Domme you can not place your boundries on a sub. Note it goes both ways. 

4.Hard limits are just that and should not be pushed. Although if you feel that these have changed for you refer back to point 2 and discuss before any play. 

5. Reflect after each play session and refer to point 2. 

6. If you can't set your own boundries or respect others  then you should not be playing. 

Please be aware of your self and stay safe. Tons of Love to all. 

[Ch****]

Totally agree 👍

[ge****]

I agree although do think some clarity around your third point is required and respectfully think it's down to your wording as much as anything.

Absolutely both dominants and submissives should place *their* boundaries and limits on the person they are meeting and interacting with, as in communicating what those boundaries are and expecting them to be respected - what should not happen though is one person "setting" boundaries *for* another.

Boundaries remain the property of the person setting them at all times and should be respected as such.

[lolli-leigh]

absolutely and thank you for your input. 

[Deleted Member]

The mistake a few of us have made/done believing what the other person made us think that they had the best interests at heart but it wasn’t

[Deleted Member]

Well said! My view now and always has been that submission is a gift from the sub, not a right taken by the Dom. Any Dom(me) who does not respect a sub is an ***r and should be avoid at all cost

[ey****]

So. I do agree 100%

But, there are a couple of caveats/exceptions

That there are some subs who like rules and boundaries set on them by their Dominant - but - that should be seen as an individual thing and not the norm

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So. I do agree 100%

But, there are a couple of caveats/exceptions

That there are some subs who like rules and boundaries set on them by their Dominant - but - that should be seen as an individual thing and not the norm

I agree, however that still must be at the subs consent

[ey****]

47 minutes ago, Drseventy6 said:

I agree, however that still must be at the subs consent

Absolutely 

There is a lot that is important.

So - we set our own boundaries.  Which could have flexibility.  But this isn't just about limits within play. And actually all relationships, D/s or not, contain boundaries.  

I think in a lot of situation where you remove roles and look as people as people then there's a lot which isn't all that different.

If you kinda imagine a couple dating who are talking about moving in together - boundaries can be everything from no shoes in the house, this is how much you need to contribute to the household bills, and do your share of the housework - before we even get into sexual boundaries - and of course the other person has to consent to this also.   But if the other person doesn't want to do a share of the housework, they don't have to move in.   While if someone might not be able to match the contribution for the household bills - then there might be stuff discussed and compromised.

And it is all consent and boundaries.  

[Deleted Member]

Funny just having a conversation about boundrys with a dom and she was saying that she has met some doms who believe that she is not a true sub and some doms believe they can do what they want.if that was the case where do the limits stop

[ey****]

3 minutes ago, Handcuffyou2 said:

Funny just having a conversation about boundrys with a dom and she was saying that she has met some doms who believe that she is not a true sub and some doms believe they can do what they want.if that was the case where do the limits stop

"True" is an often misused word that gets thrown around - often to neg, or invalidate someone - or often to boundary push ("True subs would....", "True Dominants would...") and a lot really just comes down to what is right for the individuals involved.

As well as this some subs like (or at least like the illusion of) Dominants doing "what they want" - but then a lot of this can also be tied to trust.

There is a wonderful headspace to be in where, at that moment, the Dominant could *really* do anything to you - but - the trust that whatever they do, you'd retrospectively be ok with.   But that's a destination - not a starting point.

[Deleted Member]

It's that last bit that really resonates with me Leigh - if you can't set your own limits and boundaries then you shouldn't be playing. So many newbies (and some experienced ppl who should know better) come in and say they have no limits and even the less extreme sounding "I'll try anything once".

Well, that's lucky bc castration is kind of a one and done anyway...

The ones that worry me more are the ones who are looking for their D to set them for them because they don't have the confidence to set *and en**** their personal limits and boundaries. You have to be adult to do adult play. You have to have the self responsibility to look after yourself and learn when you say no.

[Glasgowdom1991]

Sounds like a fake Dom just an ***r

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Lady_Char said:

and even the less extreme sounding "I'll try anything once".

one of my peevs is "I'll try anything twice - just to be sure"

Excellent

Send me £500, twice

Cos like - how do you know it doesn't turn you on? 

[lolli-leigh]

2 hours ago, Glasgowguy1991 said:

Sounds like a fake Dom just an ***r

unfortunately it was actually a sub that said it and most likely going to be or is being taken advantage of. 

[lolli-leigh]

3 hours ago, Lady_Char said:

It's that last bit that really resonates with me Leigh - if you can't set your own limits and boundaries then you shouldn't be playing. So many newbies (and some experienced ppl who should know better) come in and say they have no limits and even the less extreme sounding "I'll try anything once".

Well, that's lucky bc castration is kind of a one and done anyway...

The ones that worry me more are the ones who are looking for their D to set them for them because they don't have the confidence to set *and en**** their personal limits and boundaries. You have to be adult to do adult play. You have to have the self responsibility to look after yourself and learn when you say no.

Absolutely agree

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So. I do agree 100%

But, there are a couple of caveats/exceptions

That there are some subs who like rules and boundaries set on them by their Dominant - but - that should be seen as an individual thing and not the norm

I love rules/structure it makes me feel grounded and that the dynamic it’s okay. Unfortunately only had that at the beginning and then the other person did at as they pleased 

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, lolli-leigh said:

unfortunately it was actually a sub that said it and most likely going to be or is being taken advantage of. 

I hope that person do talk if they’re being with someone or ask if they don’t know what to do 

[lolli-leigh]

22 minutes ago, Amy4U said:

I hope that person do talk if they’re being with someone or ask if they don’t know what to do 

I did try to highlight in the lobby but no one took notice unfortunately. 

[Deleted Member]

Nooooo! Oh please no! It is imho, as a Domme, my responsibility to protect and keep a sun safe from themselves at times if I have to but it is both our responsibility and right to set firm boundaries. Ones we accept or walk away.
Getting to know each other and building trust is so vital before any games
Begin. Stay safe x

[Arti]

As a Newbie that has never played it is hard to stand tall and say I want to be a sub and here are my rules or limits. I believe that as an adult I can and will say NO if something feels wrong for me, however if I approach playing with *** I may miss real opportunity, adventure and enjoyment. I hope to find the right people that will help me jump in the pool and let me swim on my own but know when I get over my head. I have only been here for a day and found several outstanding people. I am optimistic and looking forward to my first dip in the pool!

[ey****]

34 minutes ago, Arti said:

As a Newbie that has never played it is hard to stand tall and say I want to be a sub and here are my rules or limits. I believe that as an adult I can and will say NO if something feels wrong for me, however if I approach playing with *** I may miss real opportunity, adventure and enjoyment.

one tip for a starting point

work from a whitelist rather than work against a blacklist

By this...

I kinda hate talking about limits because we could be here forever and a day. It can vary between person and context. And so on.

But especially if new - instead of trying to think about what you don't want to do or try - focus on what you do.  But being clear with the other person about your experience levels.  It might be in a conversation you can ask the person what they enjoy and you can think of whether you'd be happy to try or not.

This also means you're going into any play or scene with informed consent rather than a "OK let's try this" and it not working out

[Arti]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

one tip for a starting point

work from a whitelist rather than work against a blacklist

By this...

I kinda hate talking about limits because we could be here forever and a day. It can vary between person and context. And so on.

But especially if new - instead of trying to think about what you don't want to do or try - focus on what you do.  But being clear with the other person about your experience levels.  It might be in a conversation you can ask the person what they enjoy and you can think of whether you'd be happy to try or not.

This also means you're going into any play or scene with informed consent rather than a "OK let's try this" and it not working out

Thank you that is a great insight