What I see when I look at me. (I'm sorry this may offend someone/everyone).

[Je****]

**** I want to make it clear now, this is how **I** feel!!! This is not me being derogatory, disrespectful, insulting or shaming anyone of any background or within any lifestyle / gender choice. I can't help with how I feel and that is why I am voicing it. 

Opinions and advice is of course welcome, I am just trying to understand ME. Not offend anyone. (It is a bit mind-fucky though, apologies).

* This may come as a surprise to people who know me, as I have confided in very few about my feelings in regards to this. *

 

When I look in the mirror I see myself. But I don't know what exactly that is. I am not happy with what I see. I have suffered years of *** from people, relationships, family, friends, and people tell you 'it's not your fault you've encountered bad people', yet the other half say 'you're the common denominator so you must be the problem'. So I never know how I feel.

A bad relationship lasting more time than it should have, completely broke me down as a person. I was left a shell of the person I was. Depressed, over weight, lonely, mentally fucked up. I have gained such awful issues due to it and I second guess everything and everyone now. Anxiety and paranoia is very much present in me. 

But one day I gathered the strength to walk from it. To stand up from myself and although I am still prone to the odd comment from said person, I try to maintain a strong stance over my life. 

I got up and out and socialised again. I made friends again. I lost 2 stone and began to eat better. I even joined this community and made a ton of friends, a relationship I cherish very much and didn't expect, and I also found some confidence to post pictures of myself in all different outfits, poses and so on. (I at least know I am not too fucked up as I can hold down a long term relationship and keep close friends in my life, with joy and happiness, something I didn't think I could have done again).

 

Now this is where the "What?" comes in. 

When I look at me, I don't see Jen. How I used to see myself. Not even the broken person, but even the one before that. I developed some time ago a lot of mixed thoughts on "Who am I?", "What am I?". I thought this would pass. 

But it didn't. As time went on my thought processes got deeper. 

Do I feel this way because I still need to lose weight?

Because childbirth ruined my body?

Because I don't have confidence?

Was it just a loathing of myself and how I look?

I just don't feel happy. I look into that mirror and I really am disgusted with myself. No matter what way I did my self up, or what make up I applied or compliments I got, I am not ever in a position to take it on board. I often wondered, why?! 

I take my photos to feel good yes, but I also apply the make up in the ways that I do, so it takes away a bit of "me". So I don't look like me. Something small to make that feel like a big difference on how I appear.

 

Here is my issue in plain terms.

I am unhappy in my skin, yes. With my appearance, yes. With who I am, yes. But each time I came to this conclusion, I seen the common thing lurking in the shadows. 

I don't feel like a woman. I don't want to be a woman. I don't want to be a man either. 

 

** Now this is where it becomes offensive in my head. **

I look at 'trans' and 'non-binary' people with SUCH envy and jealousy. I look at feminine men and I think "Why can't that be me?? Best of both sexes." 

This has gotten to such a point where I am now triggered by these people. I can have panic attacks when *some, not all* of these people are in or around me. I cannot help it.

But wait.... It gets worse. 

These are the people I am ATTRACTED to. 

These are the people I WANT TO BE!!

 

How messed up must I be to envy a group of people who I am attracted to, yet trigger me?!?!

Now, I have lightly touched on this with my partner (who is NB) and they have often asked me "Are you thinking you are NB?"

I always reply 'No'. Because I don't know what it is / means for *me*. I am scared and I am probably in denial. 

I want to change my whole look. My whole body. I would have myself "frankensteined" to have the body with a mish mash of genders within me. 

I don't feel like a He. I don't feel like a She. I don't think I am or feel like a They/Them. I quite frankly dislike that term/pronoun because I struggle to call someone that. But I also think I fit the best into that category.

 

With my envy, attraction, triggers and confusion all to the same thing / people, it just amounts lately to panic attacks on me admitting who or what I am. What I want to be or should be. I would feel like a fraud if I changed my status on here to 'NB', but I don'f feel that "female" suits me either. Nor am I ever going to go down any transition route as I do not feel this is right for me either!

I also don't think I could assert something genderless or identifying, in my 'Real Life' as I am from a very closed off, backwards place with old fashioned values family and I would be mocked and rediculed.

 

I just don't know what I am meant to do and it is emotionally destroying me. I can either totally relate to a 'trans' or 'NB' person, find them attractive to approach or just get completely freaked out by them. I have no control over this and I don't know what I can do to make it better. 

 

Do I try to ease myself into accepting that I am neither?

Do I stick with the "female" label and suck it up?

Do I just try to think myself over more in time and see what pans out?

The last thing I want to do is change my "gender" on here and people think "WTF is she doing?", because I have not opened up to any more than 3 people about this.

What would you do? Any help here would be appreciated and please, please know this has taken me a lot of tears and heartache to type out, so be gentle. I am just trying to figure out where I stand in life. So anyone who is or was going through this, I would love to hear from you and I mean no one any offence and apologise if I have upset or triggered anyone.

[Deleted Member]

That is the feeling of wanting to escape yourself. That is the same thought process I went through but at a young age. I don't know what to say other than explore what you think you want but don't alter yourself to something that can't be undone xxxx

[Je****]

6 minutes ago, Chiana said:

That is the feeling of wanting to escape yourself. That is the same thought process I went through but at a young age. I don't know what to say other than explore what you think you want but don't alter yourself to something that can't be undone xxxx

I am just a mixed bag of "what the fuck am I".

It's all very draining and worrying but I think I am holding myself back at times. I can always feel and claim to be genderless with my online prescense, but in RL, it would be impossible due to the environment I am in/from and I would feel a bit weary of people knowing some things incase I am judged. I just don't know what to do, think or feel.

[Br****]

Our body is our carriage in this world, how we get to be present and experience life (I know this is blindingly obvious, promise I’ll get to the point x) and it sounds that you have come through extremely difficult experiences x To a degree, we all perceive ourselves through the lens of our emotions/confidence/beliefs/what we’ve been told/how we might have been made to feel/misconceptions/***s. Hopefully joy sometimes x do you think having been in an abusive relationship, then having your body ruined by childbirth (to use your words), means that you see your body through the lens of these powerful and ***ful experiences? Whereas is androgyny, for you, a relief - not a female body with those memories of childbirth? Probably going down the wrong track here… this society prizes physical appearance to a ridiculous degree. And so being desirable/sexy (things we want in relationships) is deeply tied to physical appearance? Society’s standards, because you were born with two X chromosomes, then expects you to fit a very rigid, narrow, unrealistic standard of beauty. Perhaps androgyny also frees you from that too? That you can be you, an independent spirit, beautiful in the way that you want, not others? 😘 and maybe the anxiety and panic are because you know how you want to feel, but as you’ve said, are in turmoil because you don’t know why you want this. And I can hear how courageous you’ve been, to be able to get back up after all you’ve been through. I’m really glad to hear you have a lovely partner and that life is improving. Personally, I find the past can be a tenacious ghost even when the present is blissful. Have you ever considered counselling for all that you’ve been through? This will sound weird but sometimes when I am at war with my body, I have to imagine myself as a baby so that I will look after myself again, and see my body as a blank canvas, the emotions and *** actually coming from how I feel about past events/self-esteem etc x if you’d like to chat, please feel free to message. I hope this doesn’t overstep - as I don’t know you, I likely have made many presumptions x just some meandering thoughts. Take care x

[Br****]

6 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

I am just a mixed bag of "what the fuck am I".

It's all very draining and worrying but I think I am holding myself back at times. I can always feel and claim to be genderless with my online prescense, but in RL, it would be impossible due to the environment I am in/from and I would feel a bit weary of people knowing some things incase I am judged. I just don't know what to do, think or feel.

It is scary, trying to be your authentic self when you have good reason to worry about how you would be received. If there are people you trust (you’ve mentioned three), maybe think of opening up more to them or others? Or completely, different, f*ck the labels, you don’t have to have one, present yourself as you wish, and if anyone wants to ask you about it, they can ask. Even if you prefer just making small adjustments to begin with so it’s a gradual change x

[Deleted Member]

Jen you know I don't walk around in RL like my profile pictures. Thats why I see my thing as a whole separate entity. It's nice to escape just for a while

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, BrambleBryar said:

Our body is our carriage in this world, how we get to be present and experience life (I know this is blindingly obvious, promise I’ll get to the point x) and it sounds that you have come through extremely difficult experiences x To a degree, we all perceive ourselves through the lens of our emotions/confidence/beliefs/what we’ve been told/how we might have been made to feel/misconceptions/***s. Hopefully joy sometimes x do you think having been in an abusive relationship, then having your body ruined by childbirth (to use your words), means that you see your body through the lens of these powerful and ***ful experiences? Whereas is androgyny, for you, a relief - not a female body with those memories of childbirth? Probably going down the wrong track here… this society prizes physical appearance to a ridiculous degree. And so being desirable/sexy (things we want in relationships) is deeply tied to physical appearance? Society’s standards, because you were born with two X chromosomes, then expects you to fit a very rigid, narrow, unrealistic standard of beauty. Perhaps androgyny also frees you from that too? That you can be you, an independent spirit, beautiful in the way that you want, not others? 😘 and maybe the anxiety and panic are because you know how you want to feel, but as you’ve said, are in turmoil because you don’t know why you want this. And I can hear how courageous you’ve been, to be able to get back up after all you’ve been through. I’m really glad to hear you have a lovely partner and that life is improving. Personally, I find the past can be a tenacious ghost even when the present is blissful. Have you ever considered counselling for all that you’ve been through? This will sound weird but sometimes when I am at war with my body, I have to imagine myself as a baby so that I will look after myself again, and see my body as a blank canvas, the emotions and *** actually coming from how I feel about past events/self-esteem etc x if you’d like to chat, please feel free to message. I hope this doesn’t overstep - as I don’t know you, I likely have made many presumptions x just some meandering thoughts. Take care x

I just do not feel like my body is my own. This is not connected to childbirth. I am blessed I have my babies and the way I am left, is a reminder of that. But shortly after (my eldest is 10yr) I felt like I wasn't me in the right body. I shut these thoughts away for a long time.

It is also not about "feeling sexy" I don't care what way people see me, and i also loathe people complimenting me. I hate it, and it's likely linked with my discontent with "who I am". I don't want to see or hear men sleazing over me or complimenting me, for 'being a whole lotta woman'. It makes me shudder. 

My partner always tells me I have the perfect womanly figure and this doesn't make me feel repulsed. But they also know me for me and value me as the person, not what the body represents. So I know mentally I am loved for 'me'. The body doesn't match the mentality for me anymore. 

But I also end up feeling guilt due to knowing a lot of people (men) wanting to transition hating their male bodies and wanting to be female, and there I am with that and sort of not appreciating it? But it doesn't feel mine...

 

I like adrogyony. (Sorry for my spelling). I love the femme look too. Both attract me, both trigger me. But I want to be both, just don't feel they apply. I feel so messed up on it. But one day it'll make sense I have faith.

[Je****]

7 minutes ago, BrambleBryar said:

It is scary, trying to be your authentic self when you have good reason to worry about how you would be received. If there are people you trust (you’ve mentioned three), maybe think of opening up more to them or others? Or completely, different, f*ck the labels, you don’t have to have one, present yourself as you wish, and if anyone wants to ask you about it, they can ask. Even if you prefer just making small adjustments to begin with so it’s a gradual change x

Yes I have few people that I have felt the courage to open up to. All who I have, fit the labels of the thing I am questioning about myself. 

I am not fond of labels too but sometimes I can just stare at the "female one" and it looks alien to me. I don't know how else to explain it. 

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, Chiana said:

Jen you know I don't walk around in RL like my profile pictures. Thats why I see my thing as a whole separate entity. It's nice to escape just for a while

I know lovely, I know. Mine isn't as much a change as yours with the CD'ing I assume you mean. I would still look and feel like Jen but with a different mental feeling to myself than I carry now. Nothing physically visible to anyone else. I feel content sitting in gay bars... I just sit and look at all their identifying wristbands and feel content being around people who have all or no identity. Peaceful

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

I know lovely, I know. Mine isn't as much a change as yours with the CD'ing I assume you mean. I would still look and feel like Jen but with a different mental feeling to myself than I carry now. Nothing physically visible to anyone else. I feel content sitting in gay bars... I just sit and look at all their identifying wristbands and feel content being around people who have all or no identity. Peaceful

Just gotta explore to find that balance xxx

[Stig]

Why care what people think if you change something on your profile, if you are still evolving, it doesn't matter what you put. The people that really know you will love you no matter what, you don't need a label to be you.

[Deleted Member]

When I read what you’ve written I hear a person in utter confusion who is struggling and failing to untangle her thoughts. You sound so bewildered and my heart goes out to you. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about not being able to understand yourself - those feelings are so tangled up it must be almost impossible to see any way through from inside them. 
 

I think the best way to find out how you feel is to keep talking about it, maybe with a professional counsellor. It might take a long time to work out how you feel, but eventually I would hope you find your way to some conclusions that will help you to see yourself again. 

[CopperKnob]

Here's my thoughts and i really don't want to offend/upset you anymkre because I can sense your distress/confusion (?) With this just maybe give you other food for thought;
Are you experiencing a trauma response to what you've experienced?
Would it be helpful to speak to someone who is trained to help you unpick your thought processes, help you understand your identity?
Other than that, i wanted to say how brave you are, to be in that type of relationship, to walk away, to initiate, for want of a better phrase, your 'recovery' (recovery isn't always about returning to who you were 'before', sometimes just being a 'new' you) but also, brave for posting such a thread here and sharing your vulnerabilities

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

When I read what you’ve written I hear a person in utter confusion who is struggling and failing to untangle her thoughts. You sound so bewildered and my heart goes out to you. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about not being able to understand yourself - those feelings are so tangled up it must be almost impossible to see any way through from inside them. 
 

I think the best way to find out how you feel is to keep talking about it, maybe with a professional counsellor. It might take a long time to work out how you feel, but eventually I would hope you find your way to some conclusions that will help you to see yourself again. 

Thanks for your comment. I believe the lady above mentioned a counsellor also, but it simply is not for me. I am glutton for punishment, I will not speak to anyone professional anymore. 

Little background,

My last relationship pushed me into counselling where I sat and poured my heart out to a woman about how I felt insane and crazy after accusing my ex of cheating on me. I was told I was jealous and paranoid and it was 'all in my head'. I drove myself crazy to the point I threatened my own life. I sat and told the lady how I felt and how low my self esteem was. I felt crazy and I just had no will to be around in this world when I was mentally unstable enough to accuse the person who loved me of such things....

To then find out I was not infact crazy at all when he admitted I what he done. He gaslit me for months into believing I was insane, even through the attempt on my life and ending up in phyciatric therapy, he carried on until he seen how dead inside I was.

Once he admitted he was lying to me it all clicked into place, that I am not broken, that is what he was doing to me. That my self worth (even though is next to none), is still there because I won't let him take that away from me. (I was riddled with the thoughts about myself at this time too, you know how depression is) but now anything couselling and therapy wise brings me back to those thoughts and feelings of what I went through.

Imagine needing therapy to be able to reattend therapy haha. But yes, I simply cannot go there. Honestly I feel I am better off on my own working these things out, with my partner and with a select few close friends. But it will be some time before I manage to find resolution. I need to discover me and feel content with that.

 

I am SO sorry I gave my rambling life story. But nothing is ever easy for me haha x

[RayneBloBrite]

Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us, for us. Like Stig said, we are still evolving and dont need a label. There is no time limit on those things. Please feel free to message me if you'd like. Sending love and light your way.

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Here's my thoughts and i really don't want to offend/upset you anymkre because I can sense your distress/confusion (?) With this just maybe give you other food for thought;
Are you experiencing a trauma response to what you've experienced?
Would it be helpful to speak to someone who is trained to help you unpick your thought processes, help you understand your identity?
Other than that, i wanted to say how brave you are, to be in that type of relationship, to walk away, to initiate, for want of a better phrase, your 'recovery' (recovery isn't always about returning to who you were 'before', sometimes just being a 'new' you) but also, brave for posting such a thread here and sharing your vulnerabilities

I can understand why you think so. But no. I have had these thought for a long time. Before I went through any trauma or ***. But I always shelved them. I didn't think it was important or mattered. 

The trauma stuff didn't help at the time with these thoughts lingering but it feels more so now that I am freely exploring myself and expressing who I am and how I feel that this is pushing through more and more, to the point I cannot ignore it any longer. I think stuff from the past creeps into my thought processes, but I don't think they are the reasoning why I feel this way. This is me on me. 

 

It has taken me a lot and tbh I am suprised that not really anyone who knows me peronally has said anything. Makes me worry myself silly that people will think I am barmy.  But such is life. I have said it out loud now, and I feel a big weight off. I just want to discover who I am and finally address these doubts I hold tight of. 

[Nicky898]

When I read this, I just wanted to give you a big hug , I struggled with understanding myself and I had some great advise to seek professional help , for me that was a trauma specialist who was in the lifestyle too so it was easier for me to discuss everything . It really helped me on my journey about myself and understanding me and what my triggers where from etc . If I can help in anyway DM me . Xx

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Nicky898 said:

When I read this, I just wanted to give you a big hug , I struggled with understanding myself and I had some great advise to seek professional help , for me that was a trauma specialist who was in the lifestyle too so it was easier for me to discuss everything . It really helped me on my journey about myself and understanding me and what my triggers where from etc . If I can help in anyway DM me . Xx

Thanks but as above, therapy is not a route I will ever entertain again. It is too much for me to step towards again. Probably defeats the purpose but if I want to succeed, I need to do things for me, myself, right?!

Sending big hugs also and I hope you found some resolution with whatever you needed to find, in regards to yourself xx

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

I can understand why you think so. But no. I have had these thought for a long time. Before I went through any trauma or ***. But I always shelved them. I didn't think it was important or mattered. 

The trauma stuff didn't help at the time with these thoughts lingering but it feels more so now that I am freely exploring myself and expressing who I am and how I feel that this is pushing through more and more, to the point I cannot ignore it any longer. I think stuff from the past creeps into my thought processes, but I don't think they are the reasoning why I feel this way. This is me on me. 

 

It has taken me a lot and tbh I am suprised that not really anyone who knows me peronally has said anything. Makes me worry myself silly that people will think I am barmy.  But such is life. I have said it out loud now, and I feel a big weight off. I just want to discover who I am and finally address these doubts I hold tight of. 

As that track says on my page you got to" hangup your hangups" ....... make peace with it all and accepting yourself is the hardest part xxx

[Je****]

Just now, Chiana said:

As that track says on my page you got to" hangup your hangups" ....... make peace with it all and accepting yourself is the hardest part xxx

Yes I am definatley wanting to take that step/road to do so. I just do not know where to begin in accepting I do not feel like a woman, or wish to be. I don't feel like I am anything at this stage. I try to be a good bean though. 

One day I'll have that inner peace. 

[Wo****]

@JenniferTPHuge hugs to you....

I have no advice to give, just my support and love.

 

You are a beautiful soul, whether you identify as female, male, non binary, trans, any other label...

 

You'll figure this out hun. 

 

I get it with the therapy, doesn't work for everyone, besides you've got the support you'll get from your friends and everyone here.

 

🐺🐺😚🙏

[Je****]

Just now, BountyHunter said:

@JenniferTPHuge hugs to you....

I have no advice to give, just my support and love.

 

You are a beautiful soul, whether you identify as female, male, non binary, trans, any other label...

 

You'll figure this out hun. 

 

I get it with the therapy, doesn't work for everyone, besides you've got the support you'll get from your friends and everyone here.

 

🐺🐺😚🙏

You know me, prone to go off on a tangent now and then! But thank you. I have had good support with those I have spoke about this to, it's just a matter on how to go forward. Accepting myself is hard, and I worry others won't accept me whichever way I need to go. I just feel a bit hopeless but this is why I am voicing it, to take that first step. 

Love and hugs to you and your tribe <3

[Dancingbear225]

When I was a boy I was raised by my mother, and she hated men and sex. She was very vocal about what behavior in and out out of the bedroom was acceptable and what, which was pretty much everything, was taboo. As a result my first sexual experience took place when I was 26 years old. I didn't start dating until I was in my 30s. I was taught that my appearance was substandard, that my style of dress was best exemplified by a homeless person shopping out of a dumpster. In short, Quasimodo was more likely to find a girlfriend than I was. My heart, intellect, artistic talent were all meritless. That was how I was raised. When I look in the mirror to this day I still feel this way, even though I know it's not true. Whenever a member of the opposite sex compliments me on my looks, my knee jerk reaction is, "What do you want, and I wish you would just ask to save us both time and ***". I write this to illustrate that to some degree I can understand what you are saying. I have often felt that being non sexual was the simplest way to manage the morass of my feelings, and for many years I did just that. I was asexual for my first 26 years. But, I wasn't happy. At best bI was content. But the longing for a more human connection grew daily, and still does. I have come to the conclusion that letting, society, my mother, or anyone else define who I am only brings unwanted *** to me. Not everyone I meet will accept me, or I them. In fact if I'm lucky, maybe 2% of the population might be people whose company I can enjoy. I know that most people I meet I can barely tolerate and vice versa, but with every new meeting, message, or conversation I greet with hope. I know I am evolving, and am unapologetic about that. I have spent years examining myself with a cold eye to determine what is me at the core, and what I have absorbed through socialization. I'm still sorting, but each day gets brighter. For the physical stuff, realize there are no quick fixes, and many problems are interrelated. In short we are the Gordian Knot that must be untied. I hope that there is something in this that can be of some use to you.

[Wo****]

9 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

 and I worry others won't accept me

And that's the problem....

Ok. So... why wouldnt they?

Exactly who are these others? Is what they think important, or even relevant?

 

I really do relate to looking in that mirror and not liking what's there. Took Fen shaving my head, took me accepting I am never gonna be classically "beautiful"... 

I used to look at myself and see my dad. That used to be like 'I wanna look pretty, y'know? Now it's 'hot witch'

 

You know it's gotta come from within...

It will. 

Took me 51 years to be happy in my skin so you've at least got a good head start on me. And, if I of all people can come from "knowing" that I was "ugly" to knowing that ultimately it really is subjective and I AM beautiful. In my mad, gothic, witchy sex goddess way.

 

Your pics, btw, well you know what our thoughts are on those 🐺🙏🐺❤

[ol****]

I hate to say this but it's going to be a while before you figure all of this out. Talking with friends can help, seeking opinion on a forum like this can help but it's like doing research. You can amass the body of opinion and then you need to sift it and make sense of it. 

Note that the sense you make of it is yours. 

I'll offer you this thought for what it is worth. First you need to know yourself. It's sometimes helpful to figure out if people around you see the same you that you see. If not then you are hiding things from yourself or failing to understand why others see a different you. 

This sounds trite but then you need to learn to love yourself and if you can't manage that then at least learn to like yourself.

As you have found proffesional help is sometimes anyrhing but.