Inexperience!

[Yo****]

Genuine question! Why is it OK for an inexperienced sub to want an experienced Dom? But would be blasphemous for an inexperienced Dom to even dream of an experience sub! Hear me out for a tiny bit. I would think the best way to get experience is to talk/train with someone with that particular set of skills. I do understand there are some Doms that have the knowledge, know the book from A to Z 📖 But please correct me if I'm wrong, there's a high percentage that the Dom will always explain things to the sub to tailor his needs and desires, instead of tailoring it for both parties. I've come across alot of "subs" (not on here yet) that really don't know the real meaning and the responsibilities as a sub, then they get upset and say they had a terrible Dom. The subs I came across did not know that they're the one that should be setting up boundaries!! Alot of them did not know the sub is the one in control!! The sub is the producer of the movie where as the Dom is the director.. Lol. I don't know, just wanted to share and now hear other's thoughts and opinions.

[ge****]

To answer the first question, I'm not sure it is "blasphemous" for an inexperienced dominant to seek an experienced submissive - *IF* that dominant is honest about their inexperience and is able to show they are genuinely going to take things slowly and want to learn etc.

The problem with many inexperienced dominants, particularly the male variety, is they decide they are dominant having seen porn and think that is all it takes to call themselves dominant and are unable to demonstrate that they have a deeper knowledge and understanding, even about simple things such as why they think they are dominant.

It's also true of some inexperienced submissives of course that they don't fully understand or are informed enough - and either way it spells danger whether the person be dominant or submissive.

To your first point though you also have to consider that as the one in control during a scene a dominant has a greater level of responsibility of care towards the submissive and if they are inexperienced it may be considered they aren't able to demonstrate that responsibility.

Now of course, everyone (dominant or submissive) has to start somewhere and ultimately it comes down to being able to demonstrate a level of knowledge, thinking, respect, trust and more (regardless of experience) to give confidence to a potential partner - not to mention finding potential partners on the same wavelength etc.

[Deleted Member]

Interesting topic. Boundaries and limits should be set by the sub. Also it would only be possible to Dom or sub to get experience with each other by keeping communication open.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, YoungRX said:

Why is it OK for an inexperienced sub to want an experienced Dom? But would be blasphemous for an inexperienced Dom to even dream of an experience sub!

So there's no reason why not for either.  

I think it is a bit more worrying if someone experienced is deliberately seeking out inexperience - but there's no reason why not. I've never really heard of any form of great rejection to your notion.

Of course, some subs would certainly prefer experienced Dominants, but then that's almost like any other preference.

2 hours ago, YoungRX said:

there's a high percentage that the Dom will always explain things to the sub to tailor his needs and desires, instead of tailoring it for both parties.

it'd be difficult to get a percentage - but... something I've said before is there was a lady who had a simple sum up "It's called Female Domination not Female Compromise" - and while obviously both people will have to be happy - there's different strokes.

A Dominant who says "this is who I am, my desires, my rules" isn't necessarily a bad Dominant it then just becomes a case of a dynamic where the sub will work to fit that - because of common ground and/or desire to please.

2 hours ago, YoungRX said:

I've come across alot of "subs" (not on here yet) that really don't know the real meaning and the responsibilities as a sub, then they get upset and say they had a terrible Dom

they might have had a terrible Dominant.   Especially if there wasn't proper communication on expectancies.  (but, of course, I know chances are it's always easier to blame the other person in a break up - when often a lot of relationships just drift apart)

2 hours ago, YoungRX said:

Alot of them did not know the sub is the one in control!!

So.  When we're talking about inexperience... the who myth of "the sub is the one with all the power" is woefully inaccurate.   

Sure of course, you have to respect the submissives limits, their safeword.  You have to assess what to do based on their likes, dislikes, limits (the difference between "I get nothing out of this but will do it", "I don't like this but will do it" and "I won't do this") but EXACTLY the same is true for the Dominant.

Sub being a *** in the arse in play. You can stop the scene.

Sub wants certain play that is against your limits - don't do it.    You are not in the mood for your subs favourite thing - you don't do it.

If you're not entirely happy at the end of play you have as much right to decline further play as the sub is.

[ey****]

for me a bit also - of course there's never anything wrong with being inexperienced - but there are two trenches of thought I have

1) You are responsible for your own learning and development

2) Your level of experience is something to communicate with your prospective partner.  Regardless of your role. If you want their help getting experience you need to communicate the help you will need from them whilst also not placing it all on them.  See point 1.

[Ki****]

I think the general idea is that, an inexperienced Dom is more likely to put a sub in danger or try to take advantage of them compared to an inexperienced sub.
Of course it's a generalisation, but subs want to keep themselves safe when playing rather than getting with a Dom who needs to be taught how to take control in the right way.
Most horror stories within the scene come as a result of an inexperienced Dom and rarely from an inexperienced sub.
At the end of the day, both parties need to take responsibility for learning and keeping safe.

[Wa****]

I must admit, I've not been here long, I am an inexperienced person trying to learn to be a dominant and I'm having trouble finding someone that will talk with me and help me grow my experience on here, does anyone have any advice on how to approach someone for experience on this?

[ge****]

20 minutes ago, KinkyKy said:

I think the general idea is that, an inexperienced Dom is more likely to put a sub in danger or try to take advantage of them compared to an inexperienced sub.
Of course it's a generalisation, but subs want to keep themselves safe when playing rather than getting with a Dom who needs to be taught how to take control in the right way.
Most horror stories within the scene come as a result of an inexperienced Dom and rarely from an inexperienced sub.
At the end of the day, both parties need to take responsibility for learning and keeping safe.

Spot on and put so much more succinctly than I did!!

[Al****]

I think something that's contributing to this problem is that you have a definitive definition of what a sub is in it's different for everybody whether there's a general definition or a general idea of a sub it just depends honestly

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Waldy96 said:

I must admit, I've not been here long, I am an inexperienced person trying to learn to be a dominant and I'm having trouble finding someone that will talk with me and help me grow my experience on here, does anyone have any advice on how to approach someone for experience on this?

So there are so many writings and articles both on here and the wider web.  There are also a lot of videos on youtube etc.

But a lot depends on what experience, exactly, you are trying to grow.  If you want to learn new skills, how to use toys and equipment, so on.    

There are often workshops and demos in wider society. Attend them. Ask questions.  If the person says, "do come find me if you want to talk" find them - "hey, thanks for the wonderful demo - can you tell me or show me more about..."

I was fortunate in the sense of a lot of skills stuff I practiced my wife following online advice/tutorials.   Buuut... I went to like an open day workshop at a dungeon and there were talks and demos and as part of this... I did some caning and flogging on my wife and an experienced Domme helped me with some of my posture and gave some tips to improve my technique.

I also got on a bench myself (I do switch so it wasn't about feeling what it's like) and one of the ladies kinda gave me a little play but some things she did (including running fingers on back - speaking gently/softly - the words used) was about building anticipation.

I say all this.... just because you want to be a Dominant doesn't mean you want to learn impact play or want to have a style involving drama and anticipation.  

So perhaps some of this returns to the first point of "what do you want to learn?" and "you are responsible for your own development"

 

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Waldy96 said:

I must admit, I've not been here long, I am an inexperienced person trying to learn to be a dominant and I'm having trouble finding someone that will talk with me and help me grow my experience on here, does anyone have any advice on how to approach someone for experience on this?

Before approaching "someone" - perhaps take a different approach - get more involved in the community as a whole, get along to munches (socials for kinksters), kink events and the like, not with any intention or expectation of anything happening but to observe and meet other people and get to know and be known.

Also develop your own sense of self and knowledge when it comes to the lifestyle, read as much as you can and develop what you think being a dominant means to you - not the stylised version of porn, but your own unique and individual take on it.

Think of sites like this not so much as an avenue to meet people, but one to broaden your knowledge - if in using it you interact with people to the point of meeting then it's a bonus.

[ey****]

I think also this becomes when it becomes more important to have more in common than kink.  You wouldn't really expect results if you approached people going "I'm a virgin, show me how to have sex" (I know some guys try that - and it rarely works well for them) and first sexual experiences are usually gained with someone you have rapport and/or mutual attraction with

 

[Wa****]

58 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Before approaching "someone" - perhaps take a different approach - get more involved in the community as a whole, get along to munches (socials for kinksters), kink events and the like, not with any intention or expectation of anything happening but to observe and meet other people and get to know and be known.

Also develop your own sense of self and knowledge when it comes to the lifestyle, read as much as you can and develop what you think being a dominant means to you - not the stylised version of porn, but your own unique and individual take on it.

Think of sites like this not so much as an avenue to meet people, but one to broaden your knowledge - if in using it you interact with people to the point of meeting then it's a bonus.

Thays very true! And you make a good point. Do you know have any that you would recommend?

[Wa****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So there are so many writings and articles both on here and the wider web.  There are also a lot of videos on youtube etc.

But a lot depends on what experience, exactly, you are trying to grow.  If you want to learn new skills, how to use toys and equipment, so on.    

There are often workshops and demos in wider society. Attend them. Ask questions.  If the person says, "do come find me if you want to talk" find them - "hey, thanks for the wonderful demo - can you tell me or show me more about..."

I was fortunate in the sense of a lot of skills stuff I practiced my wife following online advice/tutorials.   Buuut... I went to like an open day workshop at a dungeon and there were talks and demos and as part of this... I did some caning and flogging on my wife and an experienced Domme helped me with some of my posture and gave some tips to improve my technique.

I also got on a bench myself (I do switch so it wasn't about feeling what it's like) and one of the ladies kinda gave me a little play but some things she did (including running fingers on back - speaking gently/softly - the words used) was about building anticipation.

I say all this.... just because you want to be a Dominant doesn't mean you want to learn impact play or want to have a style involving drama and anticipation.  

So perhaps some of this returns to the first point of "what do you want to learn?" and "you are responsible for your own development"

 

I'm still unsure of what I want to learn but I think I'm open to learning about most of it, workshops would be something I want to do, but plucking the courage to go to one is what I have difficulty with!

[Deleted Member]

It's not blasphemous to ask a sub with more experience. As a sub with 'some' experience - I'm not SuperSub - I've been approached by a number of men who want to be dominant with me but are starting from scratch. And the attitude of all but two of them has been "teach me" "show me the ropes". Those guys can get in the bin. I'm sure I don't have to say why as eyem and others have said it very well already! The two men who didn't know anything had done a lot of thinking and talking and asking questions about the nature of d/s. They had considered their needs and the needs of a sub. They were open to learning more and actively pursued that. They didn't go in the bin. 😁

[Deleted Member]

My gf is an experienced sub. I am completely inexperienced as a dom. We have more than kink between us: we talk a lot, we communicate. But my inexperience + ignorance + my insecurity (is this *really* what I want?) are bothering me. I haven't yet found a way to progress because I'm not 100% sure where I want to get to.

[do****]

I was very fortunate that when I started college I started dating a very experienced Sub who really helped guide me into who I am today.

[Yo****]

6 hours ago, gemini_man said:

To answer the first question, I'm not sure it is "blasphemous" for an inexperienced dominant to seek an experienced submissive - *IF* that dominant is honest about their inexperience and is able to show they are genuinely going to take things slowly and want to learn etc.

The problem with many inexperienced dominants, particularly the male variety, is they decide they are dominant having seen porn and think that is all it takes to call themselves dominant and are unable to demonstrate that they have a deeper knowledge and understanding, even about simple things such as why they think they are dominant.

It's also true of some inexperienced submissives of course that they don't fully understand or are informed enough - and either way it spells danger whether the person be dominant or submissive.

To your first point though you also have to consider that as the one in control during a scene a dominant has a greater level of responsibility of care towards the submissive and if they are inexperienced it may be considered they aren't able to demonstrate that responsibility.

Now of course, everyone (dominant or submissive) has to start somewhere and ultimately it comes down to being able to demonstrate a level of knowledge, thinking, respect, trust and more (regardless of experience) to give confidence to a potential partner - not to mention finding potential partners on the same wavelength etc.

I agree with you for the most part. What I'm trying to get at though is I think it's important for both parties to make sure they understand what they want and not just want what they want. If you want to be a Doctor, I would think you would seek experience from a another Doctor. Nurse seeking experience from another nurse (you all get the point and I know technically a Nurse can seek experience from a Doctor) I would say most of us would agree that it's up to that inexperience Doms to do their due diligence and make sure they get the knowledge at least and then experience later. I don't think the same emphasis is on the inexperience female subs (my opinion of course)

[Deleted Member]

It would seem to me that it's obvious why an inexperienced sub wants an experienced D: they're the ones at the stingy end of the belt/ whip/ paddle whatever. If you don't know what you're doing, and they don't know enough to know that you don't know what you're doing, they are the ones likely to get hurt.

Having said that... Experience comes in good and bad. You can have been doing BDSM for ten years, but in all the wrong ways, and now you think you know what you're about and can convey that confidence to a sub, when really you've never taken the time to learn about why limits should be respected, what sub drop is and how to looks for it or handle it etc. So it's very important for subs to educate themselves and know what questions to ask... And the kind of answers they are looking to get back (yes, I know this goes both ways. I am speaking as a sub.)

[Yo****]

I had a longer response but for some odd reason it didn't go through. So I agree for the most part with almost everyone's responses here. I think everyone here would agree that it's very important for inexperience Doms to do their due diligence, making sure they get the knowledge, fundamentals at least and then the experience later. In my opinion, I don't think the same emphasis are put on inexperience subs, inexperience female subs to be exact, which is why some Doms can take advantage and ruin that subs experience.

[ey****]

8 hours ago, Waldy96 said:

workshops would be something I want to do, but plucking the courage to go to one is what I have difficulty with!

one good thing about workshops is they are not something where you necessarily have to even talk to someone.  You can literally stand (or sit) watch and listen. And given that a lot of the other attendees are new, if you do end up speaking - it's folk in the same boat.

[ey****]

6 hours ago, YoungRX said:

If you want to be a Doctor, I would think you would seek experience from a another Doctor

I think.... there's ways your analogy works and ways it does not.

So in a way it works - yes, an inexperienced Doctor would get guidance from another Doctor.... not an experienced patient!  And this is where the idea of mentorship comes from and an inexperienced Dominant might seek mentorship, usually from another Dominant.... not from a sub they want a relationship from.

But also... if you want to be a Doctor you don't rock up into a hospital and look for someone to teach you to be a Doctor.      You would normally make sure you took appropriate subjects at school, study, do revision, learn - and then go to university for 4-6 years depending on the speciality.   Nobody would take you to guide you as a Doctor until you were demonstrating your own learning.

[ge****]

8 hours ago, Waldy96 said:

Thays very true! And you make a good point. Do you know have any that you would recommend?

If you look at local events to you on here or other sites or even Google munches in your area you'll find listings - then where you're located you're not far from Liberty Elite so might be worth checking if they have kink/fetish events or any looking at other clubs you'd be willing to drive to.

Without knowing your area that well I couldn't recommend any specifically and to an extent it is trial and error I guess

[Deleted Member]

I agree! X

[Yo****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think.... there's ways your analogy works and ways it does not.

So in a way it works - yes, an inexperienced Doctor would get guidance from another Doctor.... not an experienced patient!  And this is where the idea of mentorship comes from and an inexperienced Dominant might seek mentorship, usually from another Dominant.... not from a sub they want a relationship from.

But also... if you want to be a Doctor you don't rock up into a hospital and look for someone to teach you to be a Doctor.      You would normally make sure you took appropriate subjects at school, study, do revision, learn - and then go to university for 4-6 years depending on the speciality.   Nobody would take you to guide you as a Doctor until you were demonstrating your own learning.

You're actually making my point! You see the steps you laid out? From the naked eye, that seems to only apply to Doms, where as the inexperience sub does not need to go through those steps! It looks like the insub can be that inexperienced Doctor and run straight to the hospital to learn from an experience Doctor!!