Thoughts on this?

[Co****]

Hello all,

As the title suggests I’m looking for some constructive (and respectful) thoughts on a situation that’s recently happened. Partly because I think if we can learn from our experiences it makes for a better, more well-rounded version of yourself and partly because I want to talk about it and my friends wouldn’t quite understand..

I started talking to a submissive which happened quite randomly. She’s new and I thought kind of cute, so I messaged offering to help her out if it was a bit overwhelming with the inevitable influx of messages. She said she was just about to message so it seemed quite natural and we chatted for a couple of hours. She sent me her number completely randomly and said if it was crossing a line she understood. I didn’t mind and messaged her and had some pretty great cyber as far as it goes.

We spoke lots over the next few days. Hours long conversations and voice notes. I tried to keep things interesting, setting tasks and making her edge and send me things. She suggested downloading the Obedience app which I’d not come across and though would be fun to experiment with, but I could tell she was getting ahead of herself. I didn’t suggest taking it easy and thinking about things before doing this because in my eyes, and I maybe I should have mentioned this, I thought it’d be fine when she did realise and I’d talk her through it.

Inevitably it happened and she said she didn’t feel like she could commit to things, that she maybe couldn’t be in a firm dynamic 100% of the time etc. great I thought! She’s got the ability to take a step back and evaluate a situation. I agreed that in reality it’s perfectly fine to have some normality, because the important thing is that a dynamic is safe, positive, comfortable and most of all fulfils you and what you need. We agreed a 70/30 would be good if it went anywhere.

The next day or two things were fine, we spent hours chatting and cybering. But then something changed and it’s left me feeling confused. I’m pretty experienced and I know people come and go, so I’ll say this with the caveat that I completely understand and respect that she owed me nothing. She completely dropped for a day for personal reasons. I said I understood and in my head I put the ‘Dom on pause’ and tried to handle it respectfully but still throw the odd kinky reminder in to our messages.

We spoke about everything. She confided she didn’t like the idea of me talking to other subs and I felt the same primitive instinct to ‘take her away’ but that I encourage her to participate in chat rooms and forums so she could hear more than one perspective. I honestly wanted most to show her the ropes and I thought I’d it leads to something it’ll happen. She was talking in terms of a relationship and I didn’t discourage it I have to admit because she is stunning. I told her I knew I was taking a risk mixing the ‘real life’ as we called it, with a potential dynamic, but that I also wanted to see how it turned out.

I liked it that she was new and I could show her new experiences. It had that vibe.

Things took a weird turn on the Sunday morning when she had to go into hospital (I’ll not disclose any details on that obviously). Again I put things on pause in my mind to give her space. I didn’t really message unless she did, so she didn’t feel any pressure.

Our last interactions were Sunday night / Monday. On the Sunday we spoke for half an hour and we ended it affectionately. She said she couldn’t wait to be back to normal. On the Monday morning she messaged and said she expected to be home for tea time, to which I replied I can ‘just about’ cope with a wink and that I hope she’s ok and looking after herself / I had some plans for her later. She didn’t reply until the evening when she messaged saying she’s thinking of me and then that’s it.

Now I know, I know. It’s a classic ghosting story, but it feels like there’s a hole I didn’t know I had. The things we had in common were unreal. Even down to being the same star sign and favourite foods. It was all there and I know she felt that connection too. So here I am rambling to you lot!

If you made it this far, well done. I suppose my question is do you have any similar experiences or thoughts that I might not of considered? Would you have handled it differently?

I’m particularly interested to hear from other experienced Dom/me’s but if you have something to say please do chip you 5-pence-worth in.

Thanks in advance

[Deleted Member]

I'd argue you've done everything right, from your point of view anyway. I've been in similar situations and it sucks tbh. But we move, and that's the key

[CopperKnob]

s-type POV, i was in a similar situation though it didn't get as far in as much as there was no cyber etc when I first joined. It lasted maybe just over a week or so. I started chatting to a D-type and it was constant, day and night, I couldn't get him out of my head and I thought, he knew me so well. It was extremely exciting but I also knew it wasn't right. How could someone online get into my head so quickly and understand me when no one had IRL?
It freaked me out and so I bailed and closed my account. The only difference was that I did tell him beforehand.
No ones going to know the facts of your situation, this is just my experience.

[Deleted Member]

I try to remain calm, and take things very slow. Im not saying don’t have fun. But what you had described sounds very quick to me. I would not try and “dom” people or give them directions or tasks within the first beginning conversations, which I think lasts several weeks, I try instead to get to know if we would click in the long run.
Im not saying what you did was wrong just offering my opinion.
I wrote a article called “building a foundation” that clarifies my point further.
If someone feels uncomfortable or their situation changes in anyway, they have every right to stop communicating, and sometimes you just don’t know, and you need to move.

[ge****]

I think this is something that happens on a regular basis with on-line interactions to be honest - you have that initial flurry of excitement at discovering someone you're matched to, and because of the nature and context of those interactions things can get very intense very quickly - add to that that because there's been no "in person" guide, your brain fills in a lot of the gaps that would have been there "in the flesh".
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So taking all that into account it's very easy to get carried away and build something to more than it actually is in a very short period of time - it happens with traditional in person relationships too of course, but over a longer period of time, so the intensity isn't so great so soon, and because you have the physical presence of the other person as well, you don't have those gaps for the imagination to get carried away with.
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On-line interactions also mean you can spend literally hours and hours every day interacting, which you wouldn't do face to face, when each meeting has a defined beginning, middle and end point.
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Trouble is that level of intensity builds, and then one or other has doubts for whatever reason, and backs off a little - and it's felt just as keenly by the other person, who again is left filling in blanks created by their own imagination, and so just as the excitement became very intense very quickly, so the crash is felt just as strongly, and may even be left wondering (as you are OP) what went wrong and possibly never knowing the answer. It's not helped of course because in some respects it is on-line, and may be NSA, and it's not considered "good form" to have or show feelings, or question when things feel "off" and so you're left in a mess of self-doubt and self-questioning.
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Now of course it isn't always that way, and it's entirely possible to find people on the same wavelength and maintain an open and honest dialogue for months or even years, but it takes openness and honesty in *both* directions to do so.
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Now what it is in your case, you may never know, it does however sounds like she has a lot going on, particularly with having been hospitalised, and maybe that is part of the reason behind it, or perhaps the fact you're encouraged her to talk to others etc and potentially given mixed messages about what you want have given her pause for thought that you're not as interested in her as you are, or she would like. The second guessing of the other person works both ways!! I had a situation on another site where I thought someone I'd met once wasn't as interested in me as I thought, and she thought the same about me, was only a chance comment thrown into a message that made us realise that wasn't the case and we went on to carry on interacting and meeting for two years after that.
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So be open, be honest, tell her exactly how you feel, what have you got to lose?
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I'll finish by saying this doesn't necessarily have to be a kink or BDSM thing either - I've seen all of the above and more many times in on-line interactions across a variety of sites on a variety of subjects.

[ge****]

One other thought to add - I think the other thing with on-line interaction is we can get too caught up in whose "turn" it is to message, or feeling we shouldn't message because we sent the last one, or that the last reply from the other person was somehow "off" so it must "mean" something.

We wouldn't necessarily do that in real life face to face interactions but elements of overthinking seem to creep into on-line ones.

So again, it comes back to not holding back and being open and honest - so what if you sent the last message? There actually is no hidden protocol or etiquette here, it *should* be no different from in person interactions.

Sure you need to know when to take your cue from those interactions and not become a pest etc, but again it should be no different from the cues you get in person.

If you don't believe you've done anything wrong and want to maintain a relationship then communication is always the key.

[Nylon-Nellie]

Why not send her a message, asking her where you stand? Cold feet, stuff going on at home, jumping ahead of herself too soon. Only she knows why she has not messaged you back.

Everyone's life soon catches up with us and time away to adjust ourselves needs to happen. With regards to the obedience app, I myself would not ask any partner for it to be used on myself. As for me, it only works well alongside an established relationship and not one that has only just happened, more so since she is new.

[PrincessVee-4078]

She may have other things going on in her life, but the first thought I had was that she's married or has another man in her life. I hit it off amazingly with this guy I met on line, we even met up a few times. Some things were red flags, friends gave me their opinions but after a few years (yes years) I thought there's no way he could keep up a lie for that long. I honestly trusted him. However, I did eventually find out he was married by finding his wife on Facebook. Just something to think about.

[so****]

Yeah... Sounds exactly like some of the new to bdsm girls I've run into on here lol the obedience app is... meh... I guess it could serve as an introduction to tasks for new submissives. But personally I don't really care for it. If I were you, I'd just keep her number in case something happens, but otherwise move on. Just my 2cent.

[Nylon-Nellie]

@PrincessVeeI for one can never understand why men and women have to lie about being married. It says a lot about the person.

@Feral_MountianKingWhat you have put, I wholeheartedly agree with. Get to know the person first, find the common ground, build a foundation and then bring in kink. Getting to know someone first is far more important than jumping in head first. As I have alus said, person first, kink second. D-types who seek out newbies, should be careful on how they approach newbies. Hindsight has a lot to answer for.

 

[Deleted Member]

[Deleted Member]

@nylon Nellie, totally agree. my problem is that i’m wanting to get to know people. everyone seems in such a rush. I’m a very open minded submissive man. day to day i’m dominant (i’d say athletic) but in touch with my emotions and comfortable talking about this. I think communication is the key to making our friend and interactions better.