Brand Spanking New...

[TotalSwitcheroo]

God bless my wife.

Interestingly, my foremost kink in the fetish world is latex, and I've known it for at least 15 years. Latex bondage, fantasizing about wearing it, having sex with women wearing it, etc etc...

So about 3 months ago I ordered some basics... Gloves, stockings, bra, thong, etc. It took every fiber of my being to ask her to "fulfill a little fantasy of mine" that first night in October, as I nervously pulled latex garments out of an old cardboard box, ready for her to put on... but would she take the plunge with me?

Again, God bless her: she's been absolutely accepting of EVERYTHING, from that first nervous night to our most recent playtime a few nights ago. Seriously, I married the nicest human being on Earth.

Fast forward - now we're experimenting with even more extravagant latex, like hoods and catsuits, plus some decent BDSM equipment: cuffs, gags, flogger, crop, paddle, nipple clamps, spreader bar, aaaand even a fuck swing on the way to our door. I gotta stop buying this stuff so quickly! 😂.

The only "problem" so far, if you can even call it one... She's made rather clear that she's a sub, but I'm a legit 50/50. I enjoy the empowerment of domming as much as the sensations of submission. So that means it's a little difficult for her to dom me... like I said, she's a genuinely nice person; her conscience and empathy for others probably causes this.

I'd like her to get better at domming, but at HER pleasure. Don't want to make her uncomfortable or make things unenjoyable for her.

So, we are definitely n00bs, but I think we're off to a fun start. We make sure we play safe, and so far both of us have enjoyed every "session" without incident. Looking forward to learning more.

Cheers,

TS (hopefully you get the nickname by now ) 

Edited January 23, 2022 by TotalSwitcheroo

[ge****]

Sadly you can't ever make someone be something they're not and it work, but you can perhaps find compromises.
.
To explain, I'm submissive, I don't have a dominant bone in my body in respect of BDSM, have tried and am just not comfortable in the role, or able to adopt it in any way.
.
However, I can quite happily carry out elements of BDSM that would normally be considered "dominant" - as an example I have a mean spanking hand, or will happily attach clamps etc and other things besides, but they *have* to be delivered not from a dominant position but a level playing field of mutual kink play.
.
So I guess it comes down to how much you need the dominant part of BDSM to come into play, and whether your wife would be happy to engage in things like giving spankings if dominance wasn't a part of it? And just as importantly would that satisfy your submissive side, or is the dominance required?
.
The good thing is you appear to have open and honest communication in place and are exploring this together, taking small steps as you go, and that's bother wonderful and key - maintain that and I am sure you'll find something that works for you both.

[ey****]

So - glad you've found a lot of things are working

To be honest. I would start by building on what is already working.   You might be a little frustrated that there are some things you don't get to do - but - if you can focus on the things you do do and how to build things together there, that'd be a good start.

I think it is important to not get too much out of the lane.   There are a couple of chats you can have with her.

The first is asking how she would feel if you TOLD her to Dominate you.  That you as a Dominant to her are telling submissive her to do certain things to/for you.  In a way this is a little bit more service top than full Domination but doing this if she finds activities she can do to you which she enjoys - then this is another area to build upon.

However even attempting this route you have to be willing to accept that she might not enjoy this at all.

An alternative conversation is to ask how she would feel if you were submissive to someone else, on whatever basis.  It can be a little difficult to find a partner if you're already in a relationship even with their consent (case and example sitting here typing) but if you both get known amongst a local scene then people can see she's happy for you to indulge in casual play with others possibly at parties etc.    There is also an option many take of paying a Pro - but - again, this works a lot better if your partner knows you are doing this.

Again. You have to accept this might not be possible.

------

I think ultimately it's sometimes worth a case of looking at the relationship you HAVE and how wonderful it is. Rather than yearning for, or rushing to fill, something you don't. (Unless you're genuinely unhappy which is another conversation)

[Roxanne]

Hi my name's Roxy, I'm a newbie and only just realised I'm submissive. I joined a training group on a different site. Gentlemen and old schol Domination and Submission. From what I have learnt from this is BDSM is not about sex but a power control. This has to have a deep mental connection that goes beyond sex. The group is an American site I'm not sure if BDSM means the same in the UK ? I apologize if I have written my question in the wrong room it's all a bit confusing to me at the minute.

[le****]

Nice to see your wife is enjoying the fetish it’s nice when you introduced people to our kinky lifestyle and they become one of us

[4R****]

3 hours ago, Roxanne said:

Hi my name's Roxy, I'm a newbie and only just realised I'm submissive. I joined a training group on a different site. Gentlemen and old schol Domination and Submission. From what I have learnt from this is BDSM is not about sex but a power control. This has to have a deep mental connection that goes beyond sex. The group is an American site I'm not sure if BDSM means the same in the UK ? I apologize if I have written my question in the wrong room it's all a bit confusing to me at the minute.

I admin a group on a popular social media site that has people from both sides of the pond. Whilst they may be a little more open in the states, generally the meanings of everything are the same on both sides of the pond. Hope that helps. 

[Roxanne]

Yes that helps me a lot thank you SirArchA.

[TotalSwitcheroo]

13 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Sadly you can't ever make someone be something they're not and it work, but you can perhaps find compromises.
.
To explain, I'm submissive, I don't have a dominant bone in my body in respect of BDSM, have tried and am just not comfortable in the role, or able to adopt it in any way.
.
However, I can quite happily carry out elements of BDSM that would normally be considered "dominant" - as an example I have a mean spanking hand, or will happily attach clamps etc and other things besides, but they *have* to be delivered not from a dominant position but a level playing field of mutual kink play.
.
So I guess it comes down to how much you need the dominant part of BDSM to come into play, and whether your wife would be happy to engage in things like giving spankings if dominance wasn't a part of it? And just as importantly would that satisfy your submissive side, or is the dominance required?
.
The good thing is you appear to have open and honest communication in place and are exploring this together, taking small steps as you go, and that's bother wonderful and key - maintain that and I am sure you'll find something that works for you both.

 

13 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So - glad you've found a lot of things are working

To be honest. I would start by building on what is already working.   You might be a little frustrated that there are some things you don't get to do - but - if you can focus on the things you do do and how to build things together there, that'd be a good start.

I think it is important to not get too much out of the lane.   There are a couple of chats you can have with her.

The first is asking how she would feel if you TOLD her to Dominate you.  That you as a Dominant to her are telling submissive her to do certain things to/for you.  In a way this is a little bit more service top than full Domination but doing this if she finds activities she can do to you which she enjoys - then this is another area to build upon.

However even attempting this route you have to be willing to accept that she might not enjoy this at all.

An alternative conversation is to ask how she would feel if you were submissive to someone else, on whatever basis.  It can be a little difficult to find a partner if you're already in a relationship even with their consent (case and example sitting here typing) but if you both get known amongst a local scene then people can see she's happy for you to indulge in casual play with others possibly at parties etc.    There is also an option many take of paying a Pro - but - again, this works a lot better if your partner knows you are doing this.

Again. You have to accept this might not be possible.

------

I think ultimately it's sometimes worth a case of looking at the relationship you HAVE and how wonderful it is. Rather than yearning for, or rushing to fill, something you don't. (Unless you're genuinely unhappy which is another conversation)

Thank you kindly to both of you... wise words.

Yes, I am 100% aware that I need to be patient, and above all just happy that my wife and I are having fun with this, period, end of story, roll credits. That's why I gushed over her in my original post... I am extremely thankful for her open-mindedness.

You both alluded to the same thing, i.e. the notion of "commanding her to dom me," which is probably a great idea. After all, she isn't refusing to dom, she just finds it a little emotionally difficult. And no, I don't require the emotional dominance / *** part. Is it more fun? Yes. But I think my sub side is more about the adrenaline surge from being restrained and given physical punishment.

Anyway, I'll try not to overthink it. I'll just focus on how great she looks great in a bespoke pink latex catsuit and fishnets... *drool* ;)

[ge****]

4 hours ago, TotalSwitcheroo said:

Thank you kindly to both of you... wise words.

Yes, I am 100% aware that I need to be patient, and above all just happy that my wife and I are having fun with this, period, end of story, roll credits. That's why I gushed over her in my original post... I am extremely thankful for her open-mindedness.

You both alluded to the same thing, i.e. the notion of "commanding her to dom me," which is probably a great idea. After all, she isn't refusing to dom, she just finds it a little emotionally difficult. And no, I don't require the emotional dominance / *** part. Is it more fun? Yes. But I think my sub side is more about the adrenaline surge from being restrained and given physical punishment.

Anyway, I'll try not to overthink it. I'll just focus on how great she looks great in a bespoke pink latex catsuit and fishnets... *drool* ;)

Sounds like you have a handle on it and a direction to take things - and that's wonderful, to have someone you can openly and honestly communicate with and find those compromises that satisfy both your needs is special indeed.

[Deleted Member]

Roxanne, for someone that is whats called in our world a "newbie" you seem well educated on the Dynamic. Your concept is very accurate and well versed.