I have no idea how to handle this experience

[Deleted Member]

I've been talking to a sub for about eight weeks. Online only. We are in different countries. 

It was only just tonight she called herself my submissive online lover. I'm a Dom (in training) 

I'm very new to this lifestyle. I am very hard on myself in the way of pleasing this sub. I have always said to her that the pleasure is for both of us. In fact I would come close to having the deepest respect for her. Even closer to treating her like she is my queen. I've fallen hard (not in the vanilla "falling hard" terms. 

To cut a long story short, we were having a conversation. I unfortunately do not have the benefit of her being able to see my body language or hear my tone of voice. It does make so much difference. Other than that, just developing really good communication is all I have. I believe in strong communication. 

She thought I was not accepting of her faith. It was far from it. I accept her faith and her. What I was saying was really misconstrued. She got I guess a bit angry and said I think I should end this conversation here. I asked her to wait, let's talk. I don't want to leave each other on a bad note. I said that I didn't mean to cause harm and basically asking her to give me a chance to clarify. There was no response from her and she just left without a word. 

It fucking hurt. I've cried a few times. Just being left like that with no word after sharing so much of ourselves made it hurt even more. 

I don't have any means of contacting her. Aside from when we chat (through a site) I don't get to speak to her. I can't send her a text, I can't call her, I can't email her. Nothing. If that was available to me I could at least explain somehow so we could work it out and make peace. 

Im doing some aftercare as much as I can. I'm very upset and hurt. I feel like I'm just left hanging and not being able to express anything to her. 

I may be a Dom in training but first I am a human being with feelings and emotions. 

It's just shit. This is my very first sub that I've been "involved" with in my life. I'm tired, overwhelmed and sad. I don't know what to do or what to even expect now. 

[Th****]

I am sorry you find yourself where you do, no matter how long you have been a Dominant for the intensity, connection and depth of communication does leave you vulnerable.

Firstly, although right now that hurts congratulations on being that brave it is much easier to be the emotionless variety of Dominant.

I don't know your relationship of course, but tone of voice is so important. Text can be taken so many ways and interpreted totally differently than was intended.

At least with voice you can hear the other person's hurt, love, annoyance etc. We lack body language and a lot of the tells that are used in real life.

For now your priority is you. You have to put your own self care first right now. You are a Dominant and unless you get your self back to an even keel you will not have control of the situation should it develop.

As I am sure you already know if the two of you connect again then you keeping that self control will be essential.

I hope that you see the sun rise soon.

[jo****]

If she said she doesn't want to communicate any more then that's what she wants and you should respect that. Don't try and track her down to explain yourself or hound her in her messages. It doesn't sound like you meant to insult or offend her but she's set made her choice and you need to respect her decision.

[ge****]

Without knowing the specifics it's difficult to say - but online it is incredibly easy to be misconstrued, or say something that is taken differently from how it was intended, there are then the added complications of on-line you can never truly know the other person or their intent. Much as you probably don't want to heat this, it may be nothing you have "done" at all, the problem may be on the other person's side and they are using this as a reason to cut things.
.
And that is the problem, you may never know for sure.
.
Yet, it's also so easy to get drawn in and to develop emotional attachments etc - so when things do end, and they often do, and sometimes quite abruptly, it can hurt just as much if not more so than if it were face to face, because often no real reason is given, or you're left trying to piece things together when you don't have all the pieces.
.
I'm sorry it's happened to you, and there really isn't a great deal you can do other than try to move on and not dwell on it, or try to figure it out, even though that goes against some fairly natural instincts to want to do so.
.
Unless she's also blocked you on this other platform, the *only* option you have is to send *one* message explaining your side and how it's made you feel, and that you'd like to try and work it out - if that's what you want of course, but it should be just the one message, and one that is open and honest and most importantly clear and concise. If you send it you then need to leave it at that and accept she may not respond.

[Deleted Member]

I'm just stopping in briefly to thank everyone for their replies. I don't have any mental energy to respond. I'll come back to the thread and respond when I can. 

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Thebian said:

I am sorry you find yourself where you do, no matter how long you have been a Dominant for the intensity, connection and depth of communication does leave you vulnerable.

Firstly, although right now that hurts congratulations on being that brave it is much easier to be the emotionless variety of Dominant.

I don't know your relationship of course, but tone of voice is so important. Text can be taken so many ways and interpreted totally differently than was intended.

At least with voice you can hear the other person's hurt, love, annoyance etc. We lack body language and a lot of the tells that are used in real life.

For now your priority is you. You have to put your own self care first right now. You are a Dominant and unless you get your self back to an even keel you will not have control of the situation should it develop.

As I am sure you already know if the two of you connect again then you keeping that self control will be essential.

I hope that you see the sun rise soon.

Hi. Thanks for your response. If someone did not have emotions or couldn't display any emotion I would be concerned. I would also get myself out of that persons company. The fact that I believe expressions emotions and having them as well perhaps makes me a kinder/understanding Dom. At the end of the day it is who I choose to be and it is a part of me. The only person that needs to be happy with me as a Dom and as a person is me. 

I have looked after myself today and I talked with some friends of mine in the community. They were so good at helping, caring and supporting me. That made a difference to help me get through this. I take mental health and wellness seriously. Not just for anyone I play with but for my own personal life as well. 

Thanks again

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Without knowing the specifics it's difficult to say - but online it is incredibly easy to be misconstrued, or say something that is taken differently from how it was intended, there are then the added complications of on-line you can never truly know the other person or their intent. Much as you probably don't want to heat this, it may be nothing you have "done" at all, the problem may be on the other person's side and they are using this as a reason to cut things.
.
And that is the problem, you may never know for sure.
.
Yet, it's also so easy to get drawn in and to develop emotional attachments etc - so when things do end, and they often do, and sometimes quite abruptly, it can hurt just as much if not more so than if it were face to face, because often no real reason is given, or you're left trying to piece things together when you don't have all the pieces.
.
I'm sorry it's happened to you, and there really isn't a great deal you can do other than try to move on and not dwell on it, or try to figure it out, even though that goes against some fairly natural instincts to want to do so.
.
Unless she's also blocked you on this other platform, the *only* option you have is to send *one* message explaining your side and how it's made you feel, and that you'd like to try and work it out - if that's what you want of course, but it should be just the one message, and one that is open and honest and most importantly clear and concise. If you send it you then need to leave it at that and accept she may not respond.

Hmmmm....online makes things much more challenging. I know I did not do anything wrong. I am an adult of 42 years old. I have developed my maturity to be able to look at myself IF I actually have done something wrong to someone that may have hurt them. I then own it, apologise and do my best to repair the hurt caused. In this instance what happened was not my fault. I have had time to think about the situation. I can see that there is possibly something that is in her own personal life she has gone through or is going through and unfortunately I was the punching bag last night. So yes, in essence this has nothing to do with me. 

There is not a great deal I can do about this situation. Unfortunately the site I speak of has no option to leave messages for people. Nobody can do profiles, you can only see a photo of someone if they choose to share one with you. I have no idea whether she has blocked me or not. It is not something you can tell on this site. That is also not in my control either. 

At this point, I do not know if we will connect again. I will just have to keep taking care of myself and doing my life as best I can. 

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, jondoepunk1312 said:

If she said she doesn't want to communicate any more then that's what she wants and you should respect that. Don't try and track her down to explain yourself or hound her in her messages. It doesn't sound like you meant to insult or offend her but she's set made her choice and you need to respect her decision.

She hasn't said to me that she does not want to communicate with me anymore. She just said that she should end the conversation here and left.  If she said she does not want to communicate with me anymore, then yes of course I would respect it. I would move on and wish her well with whatever. That has not been said to me though. I know what my intentions were behind what I said to her and my intentions were pure. I was trying to show her that she need not feel bad or horrible about herself and she was accepted as she was. It was misconstrued. I am certainly no stalker. She can take as much space as she wants. I have no intentions of bothering her with anything. Thanks for your input. 

[RosineK]

Don't you get it? She doesn't want to hear from you. Why would you keep thinking of ways to contact her? She has the right to cut all ties and you should respect her decision and move on.

[ol****]

@slowsteady I think that the relationship is finished.

Yes it can be tough and if the relationship is online you have zero chance to explain or to say sorry but that is how it is.

While I totally respect what the subs who have posted say I can also empathise because it does indeed hurt when it happens. 

Some subs think Doms should be strong enough to cope, maybe it goes with the terratory. 

If you are a D in training then maybe talk to your mentor.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, RosineK said:

Don't you get it? She doesn't want to hear from you. Why would you keep thinking of ways to contact her? She has the right to cut all ties and you should respect her decision and move on.

Excuse me....it appears that there is something you do not get. Don't make me your punching bag. Read the content. How dare you you think you can assume everything that happened here. I havn't chased her. I'm leaving her alone. Get it through your head. Stop attempting to make me out to be something I am not. You're not so perfect yourself. Think twice next time about jumping to conclusions about someone. Why would you even want to cause trouble among members of your own community. You are extremely judgemental, rude and have zero etiquette. Back off. 

 

[Br****]

As mostly sometime submissive, I think the issue is a communication and human one x and unfortunately for you, the other person didn’t let you discuss things out with them because they were hurt before you had chance to clarify x which I think must have been incredibly tough on you both. I hope to say that the issue you’ve had is not a sub/Dom or gender issue. It’s a very prevalent human issue of communication, and one that, rarely, anyone gets ok x neither Sub nor Dominant is expected to have no feelings x being “strong” is not having a lack of feelings or bottling them up x being strong (happy to debate!) to me, is being vulnerable enough to discuss how you feel, to have a dialogue. Something which makes me instinctively run a mile unless I tackle it! Easier said than done! please don’t lose hope. Everything in kink is communication between people x

[se****]

@gemini_man on-line you can never truly know the other person or their intent. Much as you probably don't want to heat this, it may be nothing you have "done" at all, the problem may be on the other person's side and they are using this as a reason to cut things.
.
And that is the problem, you may never know for sure.

I am very sorry about the ending, but he made a very good point. Personally, I would never do any form of online relationships.

[Deleted Member]

It hurts pretty bad when it happens yeah. I just want to deal with it alone now. 

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, kiseu said:

@gemini_man on-line you can never truly know the other person or their intent. Much as you probably don't want to heat this, it may be nothing you have "done" at all, the problem may be on the other person's side and they are using this as a reason to cut things.
.
And that is the problem, you may never know for sure.

I am very sorry about the ending, but he made a very good point. Personally, I would never do any form of online relationships.

Thank you. I just got to deal with my heart, once I have dealt with that I will be fine. It was a cruel way to end things. But hey, things like this happen and I will chalk it up to experience when I feel better in myself.

[Deleted Member]

I am proud of whom I am. While I am LEARNING the ropes, I will always stay true to myself. I am a kind/caring DOM that is into kink and bdsm. The two can exist simultaneously. Not every Dom is a hardass that can hold being strict and stoic all the time. It is none of anyone's business anyway. What I do behind closed doors and with whom and in which way is my business. I will not allow anyone no matter how experienced they are to tell me how or which way I should be doing something. There is a difference between teaching someone and controlling someone, some people should learn that. 

Anyhow, thanks for all the input. I will be dealing with this situation and all it comes with completely by myself now. 

[Deleted Member]

Typical narcissistic behaviour I'm afraid, don't fall in the trap. Just move on.