Vetting and Safety (subs)

[Deleted Member]

How long, in your opinion, should a submissive vet a Dominant for in order to ensure safety and make sure NRE isn't blinding? I'll keep my opinions and teachings out of this post to avoid leading comments.

I've seen scarred submissives say no less than 6 months and on the other side of the spectrum I've heard horror stories about new submissives allowing the wrong person to bind them too soon. What are your thoughts?
Looking forward to a positive discussion:)

[Ar****]

I'd suggest that you can't put a fixed time limit on vetting, as each pairing of sub and Dom is unique.

[ey****]

it's difficult because everyone is different - and so much context is important.

I think it is important for the Dominant to show patience when trust is being built with a submissive - buuuuut - we often talk about subs vetting Dominants, but vetting is a two-way thing.   The Dominant also needs to vet the subs and that should also be done at their own pace.

[Lickingsub]

Interesting question. I tend to spend a couple of weeks chatting to any prospective new sub and will then arrange a coffee or lunch meeting somewhere public. If we are both still keen I’ll arrange a first session in the next couple of weeks. The first session is very much about playing gently to find out what our common interests are. I never use rope the first few sessions but will use ankle and thigh restraints and we use “trainer cuffs” that the sub can easily open by pushing a button until they feel comfortable enough and trust me enough to use full restraints. Trust has to be earned in gradual steps.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with each comment so far, vetting definitely does go both ways but I chose to focus on submissives for this post - I made this post because I've seen newer subs acting a little recklessly so I was curious about this community's views

Again - I'll keep my opinions to myself and let the comments come on naturally

[Deleted Member]

What do you mean recklessly? Can you give general examples. This would helpful. Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, kiseu said:

What do you mean recklessly? Can you give general examples. This would helpful. Thank you.

As in allowing the wrong person to restrain them too soon (just one example) ive heard some pretty shocking horror stories through my years as a D-type

[Tickler101]

Simply put: there is no set 'rule'. It is down to each person and the rapport built between the two. Ultimately there is no 100% guarantee when meeting people online so there will always be a leap of faith. Personally, I like to meet as soon as the sub is comfortable with it (as in like for a coffee or something) because I feel like until you meet face to face, it is very easy to forget that it is a real person on the other side of the screen and can be easy to disregard them. It is also reassuring for both to SEE that it is in fact a GENUINE real person too.

I feel like the only time people criticize people for moving ahead "too soon" are those occasions when it unfortunately doesn't work out. It is easy to say that in retrospect! Yet there will be many other couples who have taken the next step on a similar time scale where it has worked fine...but they are never mentioned haha.

Of course, as with anything, there is always extreme cases. I mean if you only talk for a few days and then not only meet but allow them to tie you up straight away then yes that is most certainly too soon and the safety risk is a lot higher in it going wrong.

My advice would be to be sensible. A few days certainly not, but weeks/months...who can say. It can even be years for some people.

[CopperKnob]

I think it's important to remember that no amount of vetting can ensure safety and to point out that there are some individuals out there who have the patience of saints and who are highly skilled manipulators that are willing to play the long game.
NRE/sub frenzy aren't talked about enough, so as a newbie you're not necessarily aware of the emotions you're likely to feel.
There can't be a time factor in relation to vetting just as you wouldn't in a vanilla relationship. It has to come down to how comfortable both parties are feeling and, TBH, gut feeling.

[Ar****]

18 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think it's important to remember that no amount of vetting can ensure safety and to point out that there are some individuals out there who have the patience of saints and who are highly skilled manipulators that are willing to play the long game.
NRE/sub frenzy aren't talked about enough, so as a newbie you're not necessarily aware of the emotions you're likely to feel.
There can't be a time factor in relation to vetting just as you wouldn't in a vanilla relationship. It has to come down to how comfortable both parties are feeling and, TBH, gut feeling.

Precisely what I was thinking. There are vanilla couples who have been together 30 years or longer before one half realises the other is a controlling/abusive narcissist (or worse). I think vetting is better measured by noticeable behavioural markers discovered when together than with time.

[Deleted Member]

@CopperKnob I think it's important to remember that no amount of vetting can ensure safety and to point out that there are some individuals out there who have the patience of saints and who are highly skilled manipulators that are willing to play the long game.

You are very correct!! It does not matter Dom, Sub or etc... we all become a sucker at some point in our life. It is about what we "learn" from it.

[Deleted Member]

I forgot... I do wish I was a highly skilled manipulator. I would manipulate men to be my forever house cleaners.😈

[Deleted Member]

27 minutes ago, kiseu said:

@CopperKnob I think it's important to remember that no amount of vetting can ensure safety and to point out that there are some individuals out there who have the patience of saints and who are highly skilled manipulators that are willing to play the long game.

You are very correct!! It does not matter Dom, Sub or etc... we all become a sucker at some point in our life. It is about what we "learn" from it.

Well said, opinions like that are exactly why i kept quiet 🙂 - I couldn't have said it better myself

[Carnelian2]

As others have said, it is a two-way street

• The submissive should ensure that they are comfortable with the person, have built trust, and feel safe having the Dominant be responsible for what they have discussed
• Other aspects is around what takes place on-line, how the first meet (in public takes place), and an agreement on what happens thereafter, e.g.; they may meet socially a few times over a period of time. This comes down to how it is going and how people feel.
• You cannot set a specific time-period for this. Also, if one or the other is impatient and put pressure on the other, then this may be a red flag.
• The Dominant also needs to assess if the submissive actually knows and have awareness of what they are willing to do. For example, a red flag would be a submissive that has never been tied before but wants to be suspended during the first meet.
• Most importantly, we are talking about people. Two people that have to be comfortable with and trust each other. Without that, there is nothing.

[Go****]

Personally, I don't hold myself (or anyone else) to a set amount of time. I do specify that I won't immediately meet after a couple of messages, as my own preference is to get 'a feel' for someone via some conversation first.

I would suggest, however, that there are unfortunately some cases where no amount of vetting can prevent the most determined, patient person from acting irresponsibly or dangerously, should that be their intention.

In my case, I much prefer to follow my instincts, after meeting, as to how fast/slow we move forward, if at all.
That said, I do try to find out as much as possible about them, and like to see if they are also doing the same by the questions they ask or the things they may/may not suggest. The one rule I do follow for myself is that being restrained is a hard limit until I feel comfortable that we know each other well.

[Ae****]

As long as it takes. Talk, meet up, see what they're like. Assess the whole time... why wouldn't you. Start fucking.
If you make the wrong call about the dominant, the issue isn't time, it's your ability to assess people. You should be able, ideally, to spot bad people a mile off. You shouldn't even be attracted to them in the first place.

If it's happening a lot, if a sub is ending up with such people a lot, some introspection as to why is sensible, before risking meeting dominants again.