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**TW** Unsure what to do


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Posted

**Trigger Warning - Reason: Assault references**

 

I’m gonna try to cut a long story short but still include enough information to get legitimate advice.
I was molested for a long period of time at a young age and didn’t seek help until I was in my early 20’s which is still ongoing.(I’m 28 now). As a teenager I suffered all the mental health related problems associated with assault. I was late to the sex game, not losing my virginity until I was 20ish. I’ve managed to have several meaningful sexual relationships since then without any major problems or triggers. I’ve always been into the bdsm side of sex and have had partners spank, choke and tie me up, but most of them did it because I wanted them too, they didn’t have any passion for it themselves. After being single for a couple years I was looking to fulfill a need. I did about 6 months worth of research and reading and decided I wanted to find myself a dom. So I went looking in my area. I found one and we started chatting and I told him about my abuse. We got to know each other as people, talked about our d/s wants and needs, limits ect. We had a couple meetings just as people to get to know one another and spent months over text communicating, doing tasks and setting expectations. We did that for a few months and I decided I was finally ready to meet for a d/s session. I was ready, I was excited, and a little nervous. However the session did not go how either of us had hoped. I couldn’t settle into the process and had trouble relaxing, and I ended up using our “slow down” safe word more than once. I just got so overwhelmed by it and afterwards I dropped pretty hard. We both agreed that perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was and we needed to slow it down and take more time. (We chatted extensively about this and he assured me that I was in no rush to make a decision) I'm questioning whether I should be trying again or whether I just walk away having tried it and struggled. Has any other sub been in my position? Has any other Dom had a sub who was assaulted? I'm just looking for some other perspectives. Thankyou

Posted
I don't really want to say publicly as of yet, can I pm you later? Similar experience. I haven't slept or I'd go in to now, but I'd like to talk to you about it later and where I've found myself now if that's cool with you?
Posted
It’s all down to u whether u want to try again or not. Maybe talk with ur therapist about this if u have one. This could all be just u needing to work through the assault and only u know if ur ready or not so don’t feel disheartened if the first time a d/s dynamic didn’t work it’s not always going to be like that. Focus on urself and only u can truly answer these questions like if u wanna try again, when u know ur ready, whether u wanna walk away from a side of u that u have found. It’s nice to know u have someone that is understanding and supports ur decisions and is taking things at ur pace. I wish u luck and hope all goes well x
Posted
When you got to know each other as people, did you have vanilla sex before you tried the session?
If not, having more physical intimacy in ways you know you are comfortable with might serve as a sort of transition. And then you can slowly add more bdsm elements as a more natural feeling part of your relationship.
If if is important for you to have a dom, I think you should try again eventually. And maybe with somebody else, if need beBut you probably need to change your approach or work more through your trauma first in other ways, ideally with s therapist or the like.
Posted
Well none of started where we are. We all had to learn grow and experience things.and part of what a good Dom does is teach and help you grow in whatever area you need. If your serious then find a mentor or a teaching Dom to help you. Also it takes time to build trust. Talking is one thing actually handing over that power is a whole new beast. Best of luck
Posted

There are trauma resolution specialist who treat your type of issues that are stored in the central nervous system (flight, fight, fawn, freeze) You body is programmed to put up warning systems when triggered ( similar senses are triggered like a tone of voice, taste, touch etc…). Your body is trying to protect you so please be kind to it.
 

Waking the Tiger by Perter Levine is a good book to read to get a baseline understanding of the treatment protocol.

Good luck in your healing journey!! Care & love toward your body & self will help you as you heal. 
I hope this helps 🙏🏽

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