A Question re Meets

[CopperKnob]

Dtypes, what goes through your mind when suggesting, arranging a social with someone new? What considerations are you making?

And the same question to stypes.

I'd like to think that they're the same, I don't think they are...

[ge****]

For me as a submissive, or even in my former swinging life, by the time I've got to the point of suggesting meeting someone we've already been interacting for some time and have a fair idea that we want to meet and the reasons we are meeting, along with a healthy dose of trust and respect already in place, so the considerations are more about the practicalities than anything e.g. where to meet - though without fail at that point I always offer personal information about myself as a safeguard for the other person, and would always meet somewhere public, even if the plan is to end up some more private later.

[DarkArts1066]

Hello Copperknob.
A good question - and subject, as always from you.
I think gemini_man has pretty much hit the mark here.

For me, when I am meeting someone new, it is largely about putting them at ease, helping them to feel safe, and encouraging them to ask questions.
Things like, trying to make sure that all important first meet takes place during the daytime, in good light, in a public place, providing as much information as I can about myself in advance of the meeting - I will usually request a video call so that we can both establish that we are BOTH genuine (yes, I have been caught out before ..! )

I will provide my vehicle registration, make colour and model for you - but my home address is a little too far a reach, until we have an established connection perhaps.

I will suggest a location where you can walk in and see me, and walk away again if I am not visually what you are looking for … no strings attached - all part of making you comfortable, and giving you the control at that first meeting.

I will always try to put you at ease - you can order your own drink or food, without me going to the bar or counter on your behalf - but put it on my tab if you wish ….. for example. That way there is no chance of me attempting any wrongdoing in the spiking department (which seems to be a bit of an issue here in the uk)

I have had requests to meet, late at night for spontaneous meetings… and will usually politely decline… although if we have connected in some way previously online and by telephone or video, I will consider meeting you.

My background is in the provision of high end security services, so risk assessment is like breathing air to me …. 😉

[4R****]

I like to get face-to-face fairly quickly with people I meet. I'm not talking days but certainly within a few weeks if it's possible as I enjoy meeting people and have no expectations other than friendship. It's nice chatting online but there's nothing better than spending time in person and allowing the body language to do the communicating. What goes through my mind is wanting to get to know the person and establish if we have some form of chemistry (even platonic friends have chemistry on some level). The first thing I consider is location. If they are local to me (or if I know the area) then I'll suggest a few options for somewhere to meet otherwise I'll let them suggest somewhere. Proviso it has to be public, popular, not off the beaten track and easy for either of us to leave if we choose to. I will then talk about safe calls and ask that they set one up (or more if we are meeting for more than an hour). 

I'm not going to repeat all the good advice that's already been given so I'll add this instead....

When we meet I'll be looking to answer the following questions - Does this person feel safe to be around? Is this person who they say they are? Does the person resemble the pictures posted online? Is their body language matching the words they are using? Are there any inconsistencies in what they are saying? Have they set up a safe call? If not, why not? (I'll call them out on this if they haven't). Are they expecting be to pay for everything? Have they made an effort to create an impression or have they just shown up? (Depends on the situation of course as I've met people on spur of the moment in the past). Is this person easy to talk to or am I having to put in all of the effort? Are they talking too much and not giving me the opportunity? Are they showing an interest in what I have to say? Are they showing an interest in who I am? Am I interested in who they are? Ultimately is there chemistry and do we both want to meet again?

Finally, even if I'm meeting a potential play partner, I don't play when I first meet someone. If we are comfortable then being playful is fine but not actually doing anything more than lighthearted innuendo or perhaps a gentle spanking if things go that way. But I don't know this person and they don't know me and so until that happens the toys stay in the kit bag. 

Edited April 18, 2022 by SirArchA

[Lo****]

My friend and I always have each other’s backs. We check out the profiles of anyone the other person is meeting and share and discuss conversations if there is anything we think might be a red flag. We send a photo of the person we’re meeting in front of their car if that’s possible at the start of any meeting. On one occasion when we happened to be in town together, she walked past the cafe I was in and checked with a thumbs up that all was well.

If I detect the slightest sign of a lie, manipulation, lack of care for my comfort or safety, a lack of awareness that something might make me uncomfortable or indeed any red flag, that’s it - I’m out.

 

 

[CopperKnob]

I knew I could count on you guys to say all of this.
Faith is somewhat restored

[Lo****]

I’ve also got to the stage where I don’t believe a single word that anybody says until I’ve seen it with my own eyes and even then, I will have doubts. Someone lied to me for a whole year and I had not a single inkling until after that relationship ended.

 

My cynicism is such that I keep in mind even the most reasonable-sounding, respectable, long-term members of this site could be copying and pasting from someone else’s words.

 

It’s not pleasant to be this cynical and distrustful, but at least it will keep me safer.

[4R****]

1 minute ago, Lockfairy said:

I’ve also got to the stage where I don’t believe a single word that anybody says until I’ve seen it with my own eyes and even then, I will have doubts. Someone lied to me for a whole year and I had not a single inkling until after that relationship ended.

 

My cynicism is such that I keep in mind even the most reasonable-sounding, respectable, long-term members of this site could be copying and pasting from someone else’s words.

 

It’s not pleasant to be this cynical and distrustful, but at least it will keep me safer.

I knew something had happened but we've not chatted about the details. You're right, it's the easiest thing in the world to pretend to be something you're not online. But the truth always comes out in the end. Nobody can keep a mask up forever and there have been some fairly high profile examples of that in recent years. 

But try not to tar everyone with the same brush. There are plenty of genuine people around and I generally trust and respect people until they give me a reason not to.

[CopperKnob]

10 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

I’ve also got to the stage where I don’t believe a single word that anybody says until I’ve seen it with my own eyes and even then, I will have doubts. Someone lied to me for a whole year and I had not a single inkling until after that relationship ended.

 

My cynicism is such that I keep in mind even the most reasonable-sounding, respectable, long-term members of this site could be copying and pasting from someone else’s words.

 

It’s not pleasant to be this cynical and distrustful, but at least it will keep me safer.

Same. Someone told me that the guy had been charged with a particular offence and even then i was questioning myself. It took months of reflection, including re reading all of our online interactions to realise and even now, at times I wonder because what he was accused of just didn't fit the person i was getting to know which means either, i can't pick out the flags for myself or, he was just too good and spinning a web.
There comes a point though that I think i have to put myself out there in the safest way to find what im looking for. Im sure (optimistic) that sometimes, some people really are that oblivious to what they say/do and the red flags they're sailing their boat with

[DarkArts1066]

One other thing.
I used to act as ‘wingman’ for a young lady I knew, who enjoyed random meets with strangers in their cars.
Yes - I know….. thats a crazy thing to do, but she would chat with them for a while, and then meet to give them oral pleasure in their car. I tried - but couldn’t persuade her that this was unsafe, so I encouraged her to allow me to track her using her phone and a couple of apps. The one I use allows location tracking down to 3 metres, so it’s pretty good - and can be used in conjunction with satellite tracking.. so I could often see her movements in real time.

That together with an image of the vehicle (including licence plate) was about as safe as I could make her.

Sometimes if you meet a new person, having a wing person tracking your movements, and using a security check call 30 mins in adds another layer of protection.

[Lo****]

2 minutes ago, SirArchA said:

I knew something had happened but we've not chatted about the details. You're right, it's the easiest thing in the world to pretend to be something you're not online. But the truth always comes out in the end. Nobody can keep a mask up forever and there have been some fairly high profile examples of that in recent years. 

But try not to tar everyone with the same brush. There are plenty of genuine people around and I generally trust and respect people until they give me a reason not to.

There are people who I would more readily trust than others and certainly the longer someone’s been around and active, the less likely it is they would be able to maintain an illusion of trustworthiness. Almost without exception though, when I am talking to people I am questioning whether they are telling me the truth or not.

[typhoon2]

As a Dominant/Top I make any face-to-face meeting as safe as possible - safe calls, public location, advance details such as car registration, and so on. I seek to ensure that my companion does the same. At the very least they're aware of my concern for their safety and all-too frequently they haven't thought about such rudimentary safety ideas themselves. I don't want concern for safety to overshadow a meeting of kinky minds, and it sets the scene for play safety and limits discussions.

I find that online chat is a bit stilted so much prefer face to face for detailed discussions, going off at tangents as ideas present themselves, reading of body language (a momentary twitch when discussing specfic kinks would not show on a computer screen but speaks volumes when we might be doing it soon) and getting comfortable with each other. I've had playmates visit me on the basis of a few online messages and I'm humbled by their trust but it is a tad concerning.

[Lo****]

29 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Same. Someone told me that the guy had been charged with a particular offence and even then i was questioning myself. It took months of reflection, including re reading all of our online interactions to realise and even now, at times I wonder because what he was accused of just didn't fit the person i was getting to know which means either, i can't pick out the flags for myself or, he was just too good and spinning a web.
There comes a point though that I think i have to put myself out there in the safest way to find what im looking for. Im sure (optimistic) that sometimes, some people really are that oblivious to what they say/do and the red flags they're sailing their boat with

The ability of some people to maintain an illusion for an extended period is worrying and sometimes it feels impossible to ever know someone well enough to trust them. I did tend to think that everyone must have the odd red flag, including me, and to dismiss anyone because of one or two tiny worries was being oversensitive. Now, I’m not so sure.

It’s so important to trust your instincts and so hard at the same time when 99% of what you can see is good.

[fl****]

I like a good face to face. In a public place. If it lasts for over an hour than and I think that I can trust them I offer my apartment. I guess I am really to trusting when it comes to this and haven’t been burned yet. But I also remember the days before Covid of meeting people in bars or at stores and talking and then going for coffee and then having another coffee the next day before playing.

[tarrick]

I go for a non-kink meeting first. It gives everyone a chance to consider their options without pressure. Meet somewhere public and minimize alcohol. Consider somewhere with CCTV, because safety first. I'd encourage the sub to have a safety contact too, because safety first.
And I don't wear a tight shirt because I'm still carrying holiday weight from 2014.

[se****]

@Lockfairy... I have two questions, and see this so many times. How do you view a person who is really a good person to you, but came out find out... that person was completely different to another? Who would you believe?? To me, a good person treats every person the same... not pick and choose.

[Deleted Member]

I'm judging how they respond to the arrangements... Are they trying to make it somewhere private? Are they making vague suggestions to "hey, if it goes good maybe after we can ...". How do they react when I tell them my safeties will know who they are and where and when we're meeting? I'm also the type of sub to wrest control if it's there for the taking, so did they let me take the lead in the organization? Or did they guide it but try to make sure I was comfortable?

[Lo****]

33 minutes ago, kiseu said:

@Lockfairy... I have two questions, and see this so many times. How do you view a person who is really a good person to you, but came out find out... that person was completely different to another? Who would you believe?? To me, a good person treats every person the same... not pick and choose.

I judge people by how they treat people they view as lower or subordinate to themselves, not just on how they treat me. I had a meal out recently and the person I was with had a slightly odd attitude to the staff. It was a factor in deciding not to see him again.

[CopperKnob]

51 minutes ago, kiseu said:

@Lockfairy... I have two questions, and see this so many times. How do you view a person who is really a good person to you, but came out find out... that person was completely different to another? Who would you believe?? To me, a good person treats every person the same... not pick and choose.

Can we treat everyone the same/do we?
I know that other than basic respect I don't
Just as an example, in work mode, i treat someone with a dementia or an ABI very differently to an amputee, essentially because their cognitive/physical function will differ. Meeting people with various backgrounds, cultures means (at work at least) i have to change how I approach them, in what I wear, how I behave and how/what I say.
Maybe i'm overthinking it but i don't think that it's possible to be the same to everyone

[se****]

@CopperKnob... What you said was true, but I think it was too detailed.😆😘 I meant being a nice person, but now, you got me confused on what I meant.🤔😂

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, kiseu said:

@Lockfairy... I have two questions, and see this so many times. How do you view a person who is really a good person to you, but came out find out... that person was completely different to another? Who would you believe?? To me, a good person treats every person the same... not pick and choose.

I think it's impossible to treat people the same. We're people, not robots. How I treat you depends on if I really like you, whether I'm ambivalent, whether there are things about you I just don't like or agree with... Will I still be polite and courteous (unless you give me a reason not to be)? Yes. But I won't treat you the same.

Similarly, there are some people who'll tell you I'm a nice person, or helpful. Others will tell you I'm rude or even a bitch. I'm the same, but their perceptions are totally different depending on how our interactions went. Social exchanges are fluid, we don't follow a Yes/ No diagram, and sometimes they go well, sometimes not so much.

[se****]

@Lockfairy... Thank very much. Good for you regarding your date! I would do the same thing. After careful thinking... what I meant was, what if it was a person you knew more personal? This is a "Catch-22". What's your take on this @CopperKnob?

[Cu****]

Being honest and open, goes through my mind when arranging a social meet. As others have said, it’s an opportunity to have instant conversation and immediate response to questions and curiosities from each other. Online, via messages, there’s the potential to go off and find information until such time when you decide to reply. In a social face to face, you either know what you’re talking about or you don’t, with nothing to fall back on. Your body language will give you away, if you’re insincere. Giving the other person the opportunity to choose a meeting place, shows a respect for their feelings and possibly where they might feel comfortable to talk. If the Dtype makes the effort to travel, shows their willingness to put themselves out to meet. The safety calls are a must and no suggestion that the meet will lead to anything further, nor to move immediately from there to play, nor to follow the style, after the meet.
As mentioned by others, trust is hugely important. I once met an style, who after the meet picked up her phone off the table in a cafe and announced that her friend had heard everything of our conversation. Beware technology at times. Yes, security cameras are reassuring, but to be listened to, in secret by someone whom you don’t even know, is way out of line. Suffice it to say, that I didn’t take that connection further.
Another comment mentioned not trusting anyone, even during a social meet. One style I knew did everything right on the meet. The guy seemed level headed, said all the right things. Previous conversations had been sensible and caring from him. At the end of the meet, he asked if she’d like to see some of the gear that he had. She agreed. He lived close by and once through the front door, locked it, took her to his room, restrained her, took her phone off her and proceeded to cane her, with no permissions. Yes, there are people like that, don’t kid yourself that there aren’t. Take your time in making decisions to go further. Weigh up what you’ve seen and heard, from both perspectives. Anyone worth their salt, will wait, or meet again, or accept whatever decision you make, without any kind of comeback. Being true to yourself, means a great deal.

[MissTakenDeep]

I’ve just had my first social meet off here, this is an interesting question and I’m off to read the replies 👀👀😂. Personally though, I wanted to make sure I felt comfortable in his company, was attracted to him and that he was willing to meet completely on my terms, to make me feel more comfortable and secure that there was nothing untoward in his intentions for the first meet.

[Lo****]

20 minutes ago, kiseu said:

@Lockfairy... Thank very much. Good for you regarding your date! I would do the same thing. After careful thinking... what I meant was, what if it was a person you knew more personal? This is a "Catch-22". What's your take on this @CopperKnob?

If I take it that by “different to another“ you mean they treat others in a discriminatory or otherwise negative way, I would distance myself from anyone who did that. I ended a friendship with someone who I discovered supported fox hunting and with another because they had deeply ingrained prejudices against gypsies.

It’s different with family members, but I try to have nothing to do with the cousin who thinks the sun shines out of Boris Johnson’s arse.