Switching

[Mi****]

Sooo.. since discovering my Domme side, I’m primarily sub but have been indulging being Domme the last year, I’ve come across so many male subs that just want to talk the talk. Endless months of chatting and them wanting me to describe what I would do to them etc. Never any intention of them at least wanting to meet for a social first (which is always what I do with anyone before play). But then so many male subs saying they only get contacted by scammers!! I’m beginning to think it’s just a fantasy for most of the male subs I chat to

[Deleted Member]

I think there is a scary part for most of men for a girl (not payed) that is a dom…

[ge****]

I think you're right, for some it is a fantasy that they just want the dirty cyber talk and that's it - but I don't think that's limited to just kink and D/s - it's quite a common thing around "sex sites" generally.
.
The reasons for it are many, but a lot of the time it will be related to an "escape" from that person's reality and daily life - perhaps their circumstances don't allow them to take it beyond the cyber/fantasy world, perhaps they're nervous about taking that step and more.
.
There will always be those that are there to indulge them either legitimately or not so.
.
It can of course be frustrating when you're strung along to believe they're looking for more, but there isn't a lot you can do apart from not indulging their fantasies in the cyber world until you at least have a level of certainty they will actually take that next step.

[Deleted Member]

No there are a lot of scammers 100% which makes it difficult. I’ve heard it goes both ways but can definitely 100% see where they are coming from. I’m a male sub and read this and felt it 100% because I’ve been looking for so long as well being scammed over and over and over

[ey****]

So here is the truth.

Most male "subs" online are, to some degree, fantasists and are not going to meet.

For all the guys who get frustrated "oh, there's so many men and not many women" this is also important for you to know if you are "genuine"

So, for example

1) This got brought up on another thread about someone who was confused about something which aroused him he would never do.   There's a lot of other subs the same in other ways; because of this many are happy to talk and discuss ideas so they can get off on the fantasy.  They don't need to meet, they get what they want by someone talking to them. If a meeting is arranged they'll probably no show.

2) There are also those who feel they are genuine or not like that but if a meeting is arranged they will flake.  They will get overawed by the potential realism of their fantasies and it might start to get too much.  

3) Then of course there are those that feel they are genuine but are completely unrealistic about expectancies or what the lifestyle is actually like and this can cause a retreat.  That you're meeting in a coffee shop and dressed vanilla; rather than meeting them in your personal dungeon space dressed in PVC or latex is too boring for them.  They may even try to blame you for this ("there are no genuine Dommes") for not subscribing to their fantasy

4) A lot of the guys who get scammed often fall into category 3.  Sometimes category 1. They get scammed because someone is selling them the fantasy they think is authentic

5) Sometimes it's easier to blame everything for being 'hard' than to improve your worth as a sub.  Everyone's a scammer. Genuine women live too far away and/or have unrealistic expectations. Blah Blah.

With some of this in mind it does make it obviously a lot harder for the ladies who are looking for a sub. So many I know thought it'd be easy given how much a lot of sub guys talk things up - but then find most are unrealistic, unreasonable, cheating, or fantasists - and of course this is before we get into compatibility issues.

 

[lesdevon]

Id  love  to meet a  domme   but  unfortunatly  you  talk  to  donnes  on here   next  minute  there  demanding ***   o have  no problem  in meeting a genuine  lady  who wants a sub  

[ge****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So here is the truth.

Most male "subs" online are, to some degree, fantasists and are not going to meet.

For all the guys who get frustrated "oh, there's so many men and not many women" this is also important for you to know if you are "genuine"

So, for example

1) This got brought up on another thread about someone who was confused about something which aroused him he would never do.   There's a lot of other subs the same in other ways; because of this many are happy to talk and discuss ideas so they can get off on the fantasy.  They don't need to meet, they get what they want by someone talking to them. If a meeting is arranged they'll probably no show.

2) There are also those who feel they are genuine or not like that but if a meeting is arranged they will flake.  They will get overawed by the potential realism of their fantasies and it might start to get too much.  

3) Then of course there are those that feel they are genuine but are completely unrealistic about expectancies or what the lifestyle is actually like and this can cause a retreat.  That you're meeting in a coffee shop and dressed vanilla; rather than meeting them in your personal dungeon space dressed in PVC or latex is too boring for them.  They may even try to blame you for this ("there are no genuine Dommes") for not subscribing to their fantasy

4) A lot of the guys who get scammed often fall into category 3.  Sometimes category 1. They get scammed because someone is selling them the fantasy they think is authentic

5) Sometimes it's easier to blame everything for being 'hard' than to improve your worth as a sub.  Everyone's a scammer. Genuine women live too far away and/or have unrealistic expectations. Blah Blah.

With some of this in mind it does make it obviously a lot harder for the ladies who are looking for a sub. So many I know thought it'd be easy given how much a lot of sub guys talk things up - but then find most are unrealistic, unreasonable, cheating, or fantasists - and of course this is before we get into compatibility issues.

 

Excellent post that about covers all the bases - and yes it is as difficult for a Domme to find a suitable submissive as the other way round because of much of that.

[ge****]

24 minutes ago, lesdevon said:

Id  love  to meet a  domme   but  unfortunatly  you  talk  to  donnes  on here   next  minute  there  demanding ***   o have  no problem  in meeting a genuine  lady  who wants a sub  

Whilst it's true there are those out to scam on here, in six months or so of membership I can honestly say I've never got to the point where I've been asked for *** and that's in the most part because I have my guard up to it, especially when I receive unsolicited messages out of the blue from "Dommes" and don't give them any of my time.
.
You can usually tell fairly quickly if someone is genuine in their intentions or not.
.
There are plenty of genuine Dommes out there - the key to finding them lies completely with yourself and your approach to the site - get it right and you'll find them - get it wrong and you'll either end up frustrated or being asked for payment.

[ge****]

3 hours ago, yourzzz said:

No there are a lot of scammers 100% which makes it difficult. I’ve heard it goes both ways but can definitely 100% see where they are coming from. I’m a male sub and read this and felt it 100% because I’ve been looking for so long as well being scammed over and over and over

If you've been scammed "over and over and over" with the greatest respect, perhaps you need to adjust your approach - most scammers are easy enough to identify by their profiles and the first handful of messages - the old adage of "too good to be true" is one to stick by here.

[Deleted Member]

Not a sub, but from talking to a Domme I know, it seems there are a lot of fake subs just trying to get women into bed.

[Cletus1991]

We are out there :) x

[lesdevon]

Real  subs  are out  there  its  henuine dommes  hard  to  fiind  who do not want muney  but a genuine ds relationship

[Deleted Member]

Yeah a lot of Dommes here ask for *** just to even discuss things unfortunately

[ge****]

32 minutes ago, lesdevon said:

Real  subs  are out  there  its  henuine dommes  hard  to  fiind  who do not want muney  but a genuine ds relationship

Let's not turn this into a Dommes vs subs thing though - it's undeniable that both sides have their own difficulties to overcome in finding what they are hoping to.
.
In fact perhaps not even turn it into a "why do male submissives have it so hard" thing either, which honestly has been done to death.
.
kaycie raises some very valid points about the other side of the equation, and specifically how a lot of male submissives she's come across "talk the talk" but aren't so good at "walking the walk", yet I've not seen a great deal so far, apart from eyem's excellent post that either addresses that or even seeks to counter it, just male submissives kind of proving kaycie's point in a lot of ways.
.
No end of saying "I'm genuine" actually *proves* you are - nor does bemoaning your lot and blaming scammers and the like - being genuine comes through showing you are in your interactions and approach and level of effort you put in without seeking to blame others.
.
I first recognised my submissive side more than 25 years ago, and in that time I've had one what I would truly call D/s scene, now I've had what I would call kinky encounters in that time, and a lot of that comes down to individual circumstance and other factors, but you know what? It's absolutely fine that my experience isn't greater as for me it's not my life's mission to gain it and I accept that, for me at least, finding the right person to submit to is more important than finding just "any" person to submit to, and I accept and appreciate that takes time and patience.
.
For me submission isn't a fantasy, or something I saw some BDSM porn and thought "I'll have some of that", it's innate and I need to "feel" submissive to someone to "be" submissive to them - for a lot of guys though that's not the case, it is largely a fantasy that they either have unrealistic expectations of achieving, or that in reality they only want to live out as a fantasy on sites like this.

[Deleted Member]

We're out there!

[Ju****]

This is a very good point. There are many who want want want. When it comes down to it, it's a very different attitude. Seems a lot live in that fantasy and *** a real life interaction. Not that there's anything wrong with the fantasy, but it's irritating when it wastes people's time who want the real life thing. 

[Deleted Member]

Just like I have to keep reminding myself that there are real doms looking, keep up the search... I am sure you will eventually find someone genuine. Unfortunately this lifestyle just seems to have a lot more people looking to waste time than more vanilla cases.

[Deleted Member]

This is what makes it harder for us men out there who genuinely want to be in this lifestyle. Probably why I don’t get many replies. Not once have I messaged someone demanding to be dominated or asking to tell me what they would do to me. I like to get to know them first, find out about them, pay compliments etc… and for them to find out about me, what we both want. I have never been in a proper D/s relationship, although it is what I’m after, but I know this can take time. Time to build trust. We are out there and I hope you find what you are looking for😊

[Ir****]

The main reason for this issue is that the majority of females play submissives and only pretend to be dominate to have submissive males pay their bills.

Because of the male to female ratio when it comes to submission. It leaves the males at a disadvantage because the majority of those who like to play dominant female are fake.

[ge****]

30 minutes ago, Irish_Bunny said:

The main reason for this issue is that the majority of females play submissives and only pretend to be dominate to have submissive males pay their bills.

Because of the male to female ratio when it comes to submission. It leaves the males at a disadvantage because the majority of those who like to play dominant female are fake.

Whoa!! How to insult everyone you're trying to attract in just one post!!
.
To say the "majority of females" do that and do so for financial gain only is not only a hugely sweeping statement, but a pretty derogatory one to the countless genuine women, both dominant and submissive, who use the site.
.
It's undeniable that there are *some* that use the site and prey on the *** and desperate for financial gain, but they're very much in a minority and to suggest otherwise is not only wrong but plays into eyem's point further up about male submissives seeking to blame anyone but themselves for their lack of "success"
.
As a male submissive here I don't feel at a disadvantage in the slightest, but then I also accept that I may not be to everyone's taste and get how sites like this work.

[Deleted Member]

Makes sense, Kaycie. I wish you luck there. Good post and maybe it helps you find someone here! I had a Domme ask for my phone number too fast. You gotta separate from fiction sometimes.

[Deleted Member]

I mean yes generalizing is not great, but it is true that almost everyone person that has contacted me ( I am a sub) has been trying to use me for financial gain. To there are some that do this is a very large understatement that it seems you have not witnessed first hand. Maybe you have and you’ve had a different expierence, but I can assure you the dom females that try to get financial payments sent to them is WAY more than you think it is. Not trying to be mean or anything just trying to spread awareness

[ey****]

to tie up a few bits

this really isn't the kinda thread where "men get scammed" or "so many Dommes just want ***" is in *any way* appropriate (aside from it's inaccuracy)

Let us just say you are a male sub who has previously either been scammed, or got hopes up only to find someone pulling some form of bait and switch - totally sucks; I get it.  And this is the part where you kinda dust yourself down.

If you're a little bit cynical then it's good to do a little due diligence before messaging anyone else; or responding to messages from someone who nudges you.  In the case of the OP it shouldn't take too long to establish good confidence in who she says she is - but this doesn't mean don't be careful.

So then when someone kinda asks about some form of social before play;  this also should give some confidence - because someone is not going to go to a cafe or bar with you for a couple of hours to chat if they're going to do some form of scam.  And if you suspect they might, then why are you getting into "what will we do?" kinda conversations - because honestly, far more can go wrong in meeting someone for play.

--

there's a handful of Domme friends I have who have had similar problems - that they did not work Professionally but were interested in having a partner who would be a romantic partner and *generally* submissive.  This meant to a degree they didn't have to be world's greatest sub but also that they wouldn't get home from work to find her in full latex and blah blah - y'know - but also at least a couple of these were people who were active so wanted people who would attend events with them as a partner and sub.

And, Jesus.  I wept for them.  It really flushed out that a lot of subs talk it up well but really... it is unsurprising they do not find partners

I mean this is not saying all subs are bad there are some that were potentially good just, for one reasons or another, not compatible - such as life.  But, guys, if you're ever disheartened - if you are serious and genuine you can really narrow the gap by upping your game.

This doesn't mean magic relationships - because finding a relationship is hard.  But certainly things don't have to be more difficult than necessary. 

[ge****]

2 hours ago, Beta4you said:

I mean yes generalizing is not great, but it is true that almost everyone person that has contacted me ( I am a sub) has been trying to use me for financial gain. To there are some that do this is a very large understatement that it seems you have not witnessed first hand. Maybe you have and you’ve had a different expierence, but I can assure you the dom females that try to get financial payments sent to them is WAY more than you think it is. Not trying to be mean or anything just trying to spread awareness

The question you have to ask yourself though is why do you think you're attracting that kind of contact? When others aren't - being blunt and not wishing to criticise but to be honest having looked at your profile I'd suggest it's exactly the kind of bait that the sharks that are out to fleece would go for with the way it's worded.
.
And it's a common mistake many guys on here make - wording profiles as basically a wish list of D/s activities will attract precisely the wrong kind of attention.
.
But again this is moving away from kaycie's OP which seems to have been overtaken by the usual "us male submissives have it so hard" mantra.
.
Here you have a potential dominant, who through her forum interactions alone has shown me that she's genuine and looking for genuine submissives who aren't just interested in fantasy cyber talk and yet a large proportion of the male submissive who have joined the thread have fallen over themselves to moan about scammers when they have the perfect opportunity to demonstrate to someone who is actively looking and frustrated by fantasy subs that they are indeed genuine in wanting something more real.

[Is****]

This is true. Most men can't handle the pressure. Nevertheless, I consider myself a professional.