"Real Doms" or a generational shift?

[Sh****]

21 minutes ago, Subtlety said:

I usually find that the sweeping copy and paste type messages come from newer users now that I’ve been on here a while.

Understandably, they probably feel like a kid in a candy store, lots of beautiful people, submissive, ready and waiting to be ‘used and ***d’.

Whether it’s a waste of my time or not I generally try and explain why their approach is perhaps offensive or inappropriate.

I wouldn’t say I’m always thanked for my input though 🤣

Thanked or not; You are doing the community a service by calling out their bullshit 😅

Like everyone has said in this thread so far (which is quite refreshing), mutual respect should be the basis of any relationship, kink or otherwise. It is, by and large, men who have caused this stigma.

Unfortunately it also seems that most of the same perpetrators will not read an article such as this in order to improve their attitude.

[Sh****]

2 hours ago, Kady said:

You’re bang on. Any Dom who immediately tries to Dom me gets ignored. I’m a person before I’m a submissive, there are many decent doms out there though. I feel anyone who enters a conversation in that way is deeply uneducated about kink and the relationships within it, if someone can’t treat me with respect from the get go there’s no way I’m putting any trust in that person!

It's a shame that this kind of attitude has become prevalent online. Perhaps fueled by the anonymity of Internet interactions.

[ey****]

There's bits I feel I've said before (points others have touched on above) about how we're in a kinda society that we can literally make a few taps on our phone and sort out banking, order a pizza and a cab.  Hell, I ordered stuff the other day just by talking to my Alexa.

Then when you hear the 'hook up' element of tindr (which is possibly a little less easy then people think) you get people coming to sites like this and treating it like tindr.

I do not, however, think this is a problem exclusive to those who are younger - or even inexperienced.

I've heard plenty of stories from female subs who've been contacted by experienced Dominants who've tried to gaslight them with a "in the olden days Dominants would pick the subs they wanted - you're not a true sub if you don't accept my advances" kinda shtick.

(and, men, the Dominants you're contacted by who want to move quickly are usually scammers, it's why they try to take you off site or offer you everything you want really quickly)

And online is a minefield for a lot of this.
The thing is though - and this is something I've also said before.

If you are 'genuine', truly genuine - you can see this and know what your... I dunno... your desired prospective partners have to deal with.  And you already host an advantage if you can step up above the pushy Dominants or pick me subs.

This is something I found myself many years ago - I was a bit disheartened; there's so many other guys - I don't stand a chance - either they're all "better" than me - or - they fill ladies inboxes with crap to the point that ladies won't even want to READ my messages let alone respond.
But, I found this actually wasn't the case.   And aside from my primary partner, I've had 2 other short term formal relationships, and a whole bunch of play partners to different degrees of regularity depending on both of our wants/needs.

Of course; I've been rejected many times and I don't treat this as a numbers game.  And also accepting that no matter how well I approach anyone (although, I was the one approached in many instances) that I might not be what they are looking for anyway.

This is also something that if you are disheartened about, you can kinda see that if you are genuine - you can easily stand out above these.

[Sh****]

2 hours ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

 

Thirsty dudes still do all sorts of things that don't work (see: d*** pics). And just like d*** pics, the so-called "fake dom" stuff is a pretty good indicator that the guy doesn't have a clue. And like d*** pics, it will probably take a lot of effort and posts and memes from women to make that kind of behavior go away, because guys don't do it because it works. They do it because they don't understand that it doesn't. The fact that it hasn't worked isn't evidence for them, because nothing else has worked for them either. Lots of guys just don't have the kind of social understanding and education to know better, and they don't know where to get it. 

You're not wrong that the spam flood net is often a more effective strategy that drags down online interactions for everyone, but that's been an issue for 20 years and only led to the creation of Tinder-type apps where guys don't have the option to message until they've been specifically approved (and occasionally other imperfect options).

I do believe a large part of it comes from the 'swipe' mentality that apps have now encouraged. Again, more about speed than stamina.

[Sh****]

3 hours ago, MaskedDom said:

I think it's more of the online effect we've been seeing over the past 20 years.
For example the disgusting decline in basic standards of decency with online discussion or comments. 20 years ago you never saw people tell others to kill themselves or threaten to r*** them in forums ect. Yet now it's become far to common due to people feeling untouchable behind a screen.
Most of these losers would not dare say this crap to real women for *** of the reaction. Though it is important to note that sadly some are gaining confidence from doing it online to actually try this in person.
The problem is also the lack of effort. You note how surely they must be having some success but that may not be the case. Given that a lot of these messages and comments are cut and paste it's sadly not that time consuming or hard to send out tons of these messages.
What's more it seems ridiculous to us that someone would keep trying something that clearly doesn't work but these individuals are more desperate and so more willing to avoid the obvious.
I've seen certain individuals haunt women's comments for months. One (who I won't name) even got called out for their behaviour and claimed they had "tons of girls in their inbox". Yet clearly this isn't the case given they are harassing any women who posts a picture.
Ultimately given the lack of effort and the desperation of these people I think all they need is the mere hope that someday one woman will respond positively.
After all these people tend to have very misogynistic views of women and so we to truly believe that subs like to be treated this way. They clearly write off the scores of women who are disgusted by their behaviour as "bitches" ect which only further suggests they are in some heavy denial.

There really is no excuse for poor behaviour. Let's hope they continue to shoot themselves in the foot until they learn to walk.



(Also, thank you all for your comments. This thread has restored a little faith for me)

[Pe****]

7 hours ago, rowdyrussell said:

I agree 100 percent with both of you but it’s not just them men who are guilty of this . what happen to the art of munches and negotiations of contracts and vetting , and when did the bdsm community become a place of monastery compensation

Exactly!! Most of the people I’ve spoken to here don’t even know what vetting is!

[Pe****]

4 hours ago, Cheekysub247 said:

Alot of messages i get are from guys who want rough sex and think that because im sub im going to say yes instantly, they think this site is just for that. Others like you say start with a generic message you know they've sent to lots, and it does have "you will call me Sir in your reply" 😂 i dont call anyone Sir until we have agreed to start something that would lead to us meeting, and that meeting wouldnt take place until at least a month of getting to know each other. As im part of the furniture here now i dont get bombarded with 100s of messages a day anymore😂, but still have to wade through the mess in my inbox, i try to reply to most even if its a no thank you, others i just ignore if it looks like spam/bot.
Hopefully others take the time when they can to go through the messages to reply, my advice to people is make that first message interesting and show you have read the profile, that makes a big difference to me.

Absolutely agree!!! Well said!!! 👏🏻👏🏻

[Pe****]

4 hours ago, gemini_man said:

I don't even think it's a case of the approach having worked for them "somewhere, somehow" - more they think it's an approach that will work, because hey it proves they're dominant right? 🙄
.
Thing is the blunt and crass approach, and flooding 100 messages in the hope of getting a reply one, are not limited to dominants, although are (mostly) limited to men or scammers regardless of whether kink is involved or not - it's the same on other sites geared to meeting people for sex, kinky or vanilla.
.
Those approaches rarely work, or are soon found out, yet many guys don't realise that and get more and more frustrated and impatient as time goes on leading to the cries of 'it's so unfair' and blaming anyone but themselves for their lack of "success". Often even when it's pointed out to them they don't accept it or change their ways either.
.
So whilst I do think there's an element of the "instant fix" society at play here, a lot of it comes down to people's misconceptions about how sites like this work, and their failure to recognise that it's not other people's fault but their own.

Another excellent comment. 👏🏻

[Pl****]

Quote

I do believe a large part of it comes from the 'swipe' mentality that apps have now encouraged. Again, more about speed than stamina.

I don't blame the apps, because this kind of behavior predates Tinder by at least a decade. As far as I can tell, it hasn't gotten appreciably worse in the last ten years either. And before the internet, there were guys that did cringy shit in the real world (and I'm sure some of that still goes on too).

[Pe****]

Brilliant post! I’ve actually seen comments from 2 “doms” now that I’ve personally had interactions with that say how D/s dynamics are built on trust/connection and how it takes time to build on it but this is just bollocks😂😂 I saw the profile of one of them on FL saying this exact thing when the interaction with them was totally different. He sent me a video of himself within minutes wanking and wanted one back. When I said no, he wanted nothing to do with me and said he didn’t trust people that wouldn’t send videos back. Makes me sick!!!! At least the other “dims” don’t try to hide behind the respect and trust thing and just say how they feel.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, kaycie said:

Brilliant post! I’ve actually seen comments from 2 “doms” now that I’ve personally had interactions with that say how D/s dynamics are built on trust/connection and how it takes time to build on it but this is just bollocks😂😂 I saw the profile of one of them on FL saying this exact thing when the interaction with them was totally different. He sent me a video of himself within minutes wanking and wanted one back. When I said no, he wanted nothing to do with me and said he didn’t trust people that wouldn’t send videos back. Makes me sick!!!! At least the other “dims” don’t try to hide behind the respect and trust thing and just say how they feel.

Oops...burned 🤣😂

[Deleted Member]

I mean I think this is the modern equivalent of cat calling, it doesn't make sense, it never "works" but some men inexplicably keep doing it

[th****]

The thing is no real dom would call themselves a ‘real dom’ because you are just a Dom. There are plenty of fake doms in that they want the benefits of submission without any idea what their responsibilities are that come with it or even understanding power dynamics or how to actually care for a sub. On the plus side it’s usually pretty easy to differentiate yourself from them after a few messages.

[Su****]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

Oops...burned 🤣😂

Totally 🤣🤣🤣

[ey****]

16 minutes ago, tomihyde said:

I mean I think this is the modern equivalent of cat calling, it doesn't make sense, it never "works" but some men inexplicably keep doing it

there's a couple of things to understand about cat calling 

the first is that it is not something guys tend to do on their own - they tend to do it while in a group and it is a kinda chest-puffing way to display to the rest of the group that they're "Not gay" while also of course using a power play (as they're in a group) to almost intentionally make someone feel uncomfortable (same when someone does it when driving past)

but the other thing with catcalling is there are guys who claim they do get the occasional response that they want from catcalling - so to them it is worth them making 100 ladies in whatever period feel uncomfortable in exchange for the one or two in that time that give any form of desired result 

And the same is true for a lot of this cold contact - that on one hand it is a form of power play - to intentionally make some readers uncomfortable (see also : d*ck pics) but on another they don't care about the feelings of 100 people if they get an acceptable result once or twice

[Deleted Member]

The clearest sign it me that someone is a genuine Dom is that their opening message is polite, respectful, interesting and expresses in some way why they've chosen to message me. It never references my looks, either. Whether this person is my type or not, they will always receive a respectful reply, even if that's just thanks for messaging but I'm not interested bc of x or y (distance, usually, or age).

[Ki****]

Most men see themselves as dom because a male is a dom. Unless you was born fucked up they are the real cave man MAN.

[CopperKnob]

4 hours ago, kaycie said:

Brilliant post! I’ve actually seen comments from 2 “doms” now that I’ve personally had interactions with that say how D/s dynamics are built on trust/connection and how it takes time to build on it but this is just bollocks😂😂 I saw the profile of one of them on FL saying this exact thing when the interaction with them was totally different. He sent me a video of himself within minutes wanking and wanted one back. When I said no, he wanted nothing to do with me and said he didn’t trust people that wouldn’t send videos back. Makes me sick!!!! At least the other “dims” don’t try to hide behind the respect and trust thing and just say how they feel.

Hilarious 😂
Not for you but the fact that they still hide behind a masquerade
And i truly want to know who they are 😂

[Lo****]

5 hours ago, kaycie said:

Brilliant post! I’ve actually seen comments from 2 “doms” now that I’ve personally had interactions with that say how D/s dynamics are built on trust/connection and how it takes time to build on it but this is just bollocks😂😂 I saw the profile of one of them on FL saying this exact thing when the interaction with them was totally different. He sent me a video of himself within minutes wanking and wanted one back. When I said no, he wanted nothing to do with me and said he didn’t trust people that wouldn’t send videos back. Makes me sick!!!! At least the other “dims” don’t try to hide behind the respect and trust thing and just say how they feel.

I’ve also seen ‘Doms’ with whom I’ve had unpleasant interactions complaining on threads such as these that other fake people are making it harder for them 🙄🙄🙄

[Jo****]

So speaking of which, anyone familiar with sexual competition, "sexfight" kinks of the FvF variety? There's not a lot of content or info out there except some pretty weak porn like Defeated and Evolved Fights, but very few of those are much more than pure one sided domination. I think the psychology behind the true form of the kink is hot as hell but no one really approaches it correctly. Any thoughts on the idea of two dominant women or even switches testing the limits of their dominance. The male equivalent is interesting but I feel it provides a much more even playing ground for women to be on even ground physically and actually be able to truly exert physical and mental dominance against someone who can't easily overpower them abd ruin the dynamic.

[Pe****]

7 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Oops...burned 🤣😂

Hahah!! You know!!!

[Pe****]

3 hours ago, Lockfairy said:

I’ve also seen ‘Doms’ with whom I’ve had unpleasant interactions complaining on threads such as these that other fake people are making it harder for them 🙄🙄🙄

Hahah!! Makes me laugh😂🤣

[Pe****]

11 hours ago, southend-Dom said:

I agree the submissive has to be respected as a person, trust and respect build the foundation of a good sub/Dom relationship and communication about your needs and wants have to be agreed, to many watch porn etc and think that’s what it’s all about when it’s actually about a deeper connection and understanding!!

Unless it’s just a one off for you??

[Pe****]

3 hours ago, Lockfairy said:

I’ve also seen ‘Doms’ with whom I’ve had unpleasant interactions complaining on threads such as these that other fake people are making it harder for them 🙄🙄🙄

Makes me sick!

[Cu****]

Think you’ve just ambushed the subject, which had nothing to do with fvf sexfighting. Start your own thread if you want to gain reaction to what you like watching.