Wanting to purge certain kinks. Help please.

[Deleted Member]

Does anyone else hate being kinky sometimes? I mean I've binged and purged a bunch of times. Varying from being ecstatically happy and fulfilled by them one minute, to feeling immense shame and wishing to completely eradicate particular ones the next. Specifically it's being an lg/bg. I got annihilated by someone for being and lgbg, so I suppressed it and binned all of my lgbg stuff even though that side of myself bought me comfort when I didn't have anyone around to give it to me. I came here after a while wanting to find a Daddy Dom and I met one...the best, someone that I thought was potentially going to turn out to be my person, you know my soul mate because we made sense inside and outside of the bedroom, and after it went to shit I took a time out and came back looking for someone else.

But I find myself once again wanting to purge and bin it all because I feel embarrassed etc. For example I keep saying to myself, my one friend knows I'm into BDSM but how would they feel if they knew I liked calling guys 'Daddy' in bed and not Sir, and that I have a collar that says 'Daddys lil cum slut' on it for kinky sexy time, and that I have a bunch of cutesy lgbg stuff for non-sexy lil me time. Would they still understand or think I was a weirdo (I'm not saying that other people are weirdos for being into it to clarify, let your freak flag fly, I'm just having a hard time at the moment with it)

I also wonder if having therapy is also attributing to my "I wish I was normal want to bin all of my lgbg stuff and cry my eyes out about it" meltdown.

Has anyone else been in this position too? If so how did you deal with it?

[Deleted Member]

I think that a big part of it is understanding that your reaction to feel guilt and shame is a reflex response to the conditioning of your upbringing and society as to what is "normal" and "acceptable." Especially if you've been brought up in a religious or puritanical society (e.g. the US), this is drilled into your brain since you're too young to understand any of it.
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It's ok to explore yourself and it's ok to seek comfort and pleasure in what you want. Once you come to accept yourself and who you are, and you actively remind yourself that your shame is a reaction of conditioning, you will feel liberated to be just the person you are. As long as everything is consensual and you're not hurting anybody, just have fun and live your life!
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Live and let live.

[Deleted Member]

^ this..I find suppression. Makes the want worse in the end. But it is hard to surround yourself with those your comfortable with expressing your desires with..it's a hard life at times

[p00peelover]

You are who you are, don't ever feel ashamed or try to hide it, I went through the same feelings too, but I've embraced who I am and I feel better for not being what people deem as 'normal'...

[Deleted Member]

Plus for people like us..so called normal isn't satisfying and vanilla

[Deleted Member]

I've felt like this since I was a teen. "The girl will think I'm weird if she knows what I really like." And I told almost nobody and kept it suppressed for years and years while watching porn of my kinks behind closed doors. And yes, a few people that I opened up to felt it was weird. Then my first girlfriend thought I was a complete freak and I told her what's honestly one of the tamest kinks that I like. Honestly she was abusive to me though. But recently a met a new friend who let me know everything is okay and she introduced me to fetlife. And I feel so much better about myself now. I realize that I'm not the issue, it's the way this self-centered, judgemental world views sex and their definition of what's "normal." Nobody is perfect and don't let another imperfect human's ideas of what's "normal" put you down or dictate your life choices. Just live life and be free! :).

[Chastity_Pup_Gabbia]

I understand how you are feeling. Although I’ve not yet encountered kink shaming for my fetish from anyone on this sit, I do feel that due to its uniqueness I think some women don’t feel they could connect with me. I guess they’ve grown out of playing with dolls. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sorry little humour there.
I had, like you, moments of jacking it all in too. I am also very private to my family and friends (friends not on fetish that is) for the reason of them not understanding it either.
So what I am saying is don’t feel shame over what you like, share with those you feel you can connect with your kink and if you feel like you can’t then try and separate both kink and vanilla sides so you can reserve your pleasure times for your own enjoyment.
You should enjoy your times.

[xm****]

Relatable and I wish I had advice, but I’m still working on living a balance of kink and nonkink (thankfully my boyfriend is pretty nonjudgmental and encouraging of my exploration and a little open to things too) that being said, it’s hard having your kinky side, especially when it gets into the more “controversial” side of things that is difficult to explain to people.

One thing I’ve been learning is that as long as it’s something that brings you comfort and happiness, then it’s nobody else’s business (except a significant other) that you’re doing it (within reason, obviously) and that doesn’t just apply to the kink of life either.

[Deleted Member]

If no harm is done to anyone and brings you comfort pleasure enrichment then don’t be embarrassed embrace it. Certainly don’t suppress yourself, not everyone will understand but thats ok too. Be expressive enjoy the inner outer you there will be those that will embrace alongside and they will grow with you. I also think its ok to step back at times because less can be more, we change life changes we constantly evolve and when thats with a special someone even better. Just allow yourself to be you.

[ga****]

To hell with what other people would think. You do you and be happy in whatever space is comfortable to you.

[Deleted Member]

I think in 2022 people are more open to it. Obviously there will always be someone that wants to shame but people are getting more & more accepting of kinks

[Mafya]

You want to go out for a reason and I want to join for a reason, this is the world sometimes you have to discover so that you can understand yourself or even reach the stage of sufficiency, the problem in treatment is that you are afraid to be exploited but try carefully with a consultant or satisfy yourself until you turn off and be completely satisfied or find love to the point of changing for the best for this love, these solutions that I will look for if you are in your place, in the end I hope you find Rest of your heart 🤍

[ey****]

there's a lot of folk I feel for - in that; whether it's kinks they are ashamed with or which they feel holds them back in relationships

there's little I can really offer other than sympathy I'm afraid :/ 

[gr****]

I have never found a way to successfully purge a kink I wanted. I wish I could help. Other than saying be open about what you want.

[Deleted Member]

Wouldn't suppressing your kinky side make you feel sad? Like being in a vanilla relationship and not be able to show your partner your "fun" side?

[Su****]

You mention therapy in ur post and I wonder whether it is a kink friendly therapist whom would actually have the training to not make any false assumptions about specific kinks, wants or needs.
You seem to want to be able to talk through any doubts or guilts you may have to better accept yourself and therapy is absolutely the best place for that.
All the answers and acceptance of yourself are within you, you just need to find someone who can help you find those.
X

[Mi****]

Just keep looking for people who don't stop you from letting that particular "Freaky Flag Fly"! You shouldn't be trying to let part of yourself go, but indulging it and letting it grow! I think it's pushing it away thinking it won't be fulfilled that makes you feel shame (unless it turns out you also like degradation and you just don't know it yet! 😅)
I personally LOVE this kink, and there are plenty of other men who like to be called Daddy too. There's a great thrill to be found in being responsible for someone in this way. You just need to find someone who's main kink is the same as yours, then there's less push and pull as you satisfy each other's needs. Talking to a couple of people rn otherwise I'd happily chat with you some more and get to know you, but I want to make sure I dedicate my energy to those I'm involved with and don't waste anyone's time.
Keep your chin up, young lady, you'll find someone right for you in time 😉

[Deleted Member]

I just wanted to say thanks for the responses, I'll post proper replies in a bit.💖

[Chloebear]

Hello! I have the same kink and I know where you’re coming from. I found it harder to express the older I’ve got too… but I’m pretty openly a big kid in a non kink way, with fet people knowing the kink side of that, and it helps reconcile the two. No-one needs to know what you call your partner in the bedroom - do we know that about half the couples we talk to? Outside of the kink community people don’t really chat about it…. It’s only your business, don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Any therapist worth the time will tell you that normal doesn’t really exist, so if lg/bg feels right for you, it does and that’s ok. It can be a vulnerable role though, but in my opinion losing most dynamics will make us feel vulnerable.

[ja****]

I feel that way sometimes like “regular” sex is steange

[se****]

Your friend would jealous that you have found a way to express what makes you happy.
Some people are just toxic and when things end try and hurt you any way they know how and that is by using what they know about your traumas and triggering them.
Stop feeling shame. Start enjoying yourself and your sexuality.
Be naughty and go out with your collar tucked in your purse or wear it inside out to get used to it being ok.

[skintightlover]

The swing between shame and excitement IS the whole thing. The shame is part of the excitement. The more we fight it, the more we get of it. We only truly give something up when it is no longer of interest. ...

[bi****]

Its pretty common apparently, something about dopamine highs followed by withdrawal-type symptoms. All you can really do is understand yourself and realise that these feelings are transient. Maybe its time to put the lg/bg kink on hold for a while and take up something else, maybe its connected to some other aspect that has affected you more and you're "passing the blame" subconsciously to the lg/bg thing.

[so****]

This is sadly relatable yes. All I can add to informed discussion above is the unlucky chance that one of the most recent people I dated had purged things just before we got together that were exactly my kink… can you hide this stuff in an attic and see what the gods bring your life instead?

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, icomefromelsewhere said:

I think that a big part of it is understanding that your reaction to feel guilt and shame is a reflex response to the conditioning of your upbringing and society as to what is "normal" and "acceptable." Especially if you've been brought up in a religious or puritanical society (e.g. the US), this is drilled into your brain since you're too young to understand any of it.
.
It's ok to explore yourself and it's ok to seek comfort and pleasure in what you want. Once you come to accept yourself and who you are, and you actively remind yourself that your shame is a reaction of conditioning, you will feel liberated to be just the person you are. As long as everything is consensual and you're not hurting anybody, just have fun and live your life!
.
Live and let live.

I think the issue is is that in having therapy I'm understanding more and more why I go for the men that I go for, which is naturally making me scrutinize my kinks specifically the fact that I'm seeking out a Daddy Dom, that protector type. I'm not too bothered about that, because all it says is is that I like strong and caring men.
It's my lgbg side that makes me feel bad, like all of my cutesy lgbg stuff like my Care Bears T and my hair ribbons, and Hello Kitty's and my paci etc. That's the stuff that I want to bin because I'm so riddled with embarrassment for liking that stuff and sometimes needing it.

This side of myself is the polar opposite of who I am outside of the bedroom (apart from with a Daddy Dom) And I think that's what's fueling my want to get rid of it. Because I feel like I shouldn't need those things and I'm mad at myself, alongside ashamed of myself for still wanting them and needing them.