How do you know what you like?

[Bt****]

So I'm new to all this as I'm sure many others are. I have no idea what I do or don't like. I haven't had much experience outside if the normal sex stuff. Of course there's always a chance of meeting someone that is into some really kinky things and I guess you would know if I like it at that point. Maybe I just need a real experienced lady to teach me the ways?

[Ma****]

Watch some porn and take note about what thinks & themes turn you on

[Ni****]

Read, watch, think I like that, learn more about it, and repeat. Or think, not for me, next kink. Don't meet until you know what you like and want, and what you don't.

[My****]

Go to meet ups or facebook groups. Look at really sexy movies or p0rn to see what attracts your attention. Not sure what state you’re in but you can always message me

[oc****]

don't know about the rest of the newbies here, but in my case I'm feeling really frustrated. the experience I have in kink comes from past relationships and they are limited to my past partners' tastes. I found myself not knowing exactly what I want (I know more of what I don't). it would be helpful if people could just talk, you know? real conversations. I guess what's getting on my nerves is the "hi, let's do some sh*t" out of nowhere attitude I'm getting here. In my opinion, in order to find out our wishes, exploration should be organic.

[Deleted Member]

Read about it, find some good erotica (not 50 shades) and see what tickles your pickle

[DeviantInside]

Talk to people (not only with the aim of meeting or playing), go in the chat rooms, read the forums, look up online, find bdsm checklists, go to munches (public meets of kinky people in non kinky setting to just chat and get to know people), ask questions about the things that pique your interest. All are good ways to learn and explore. That way when you do find someone to explore with you might have some idea of what you would like to try, and when you reach that point of course finding someone experienced will always be a bonus, but equally finding someone who want to explore too mig HR be equally good (making sure you know how to safely, obviously).

[ey****]

the old problem used to be is there would be a new guy who seemed enthusiastic who "wants to try" and manages to convince a lady to "show him the way"

the problem is that some weeks later he finds this is not for him and terminates the relationship - which has completed wasted the time someone else has invested in him.  In some cases it might be "this whole thing isn't for me" or in others - the old adage of trying to swing from one lady to the next sometimes pays off for him. But not for her.

If you wish to explore with someone - sometimes the best route is to see a Pro.  Because even if you did meet someone, if they try something with you and it's their favourite thing and you really don't like it - you're not compatible : whereas with a Pro you can just try another thing or there's no hurt if you see someone else.

But really, how to find out what you like - do some learning yourself...  if you were interested in learning about a certain type of music you'd pick up a magazine, read interviews with bands, go "ooh, these sound like they might be cool" then check them out on spotify.  Kink and fetishes isn't that much different.  

[Deleted Member]

“Don't meet until you know what you like and want, and what you don't.” I would 100% disagree with this.
This is what leads to the very transactional chats on here. It’s totally impersonal and ignores what FEELS good in the moment with the person you’re exploring with.

If you’re new to kink and just want an “experience” go pay a pro, or go to a party or a club and take your chances on meeting someone who shares your fantasy.
BUT
if you’re new to kink and want to *explore*, find someone else who’s kinky, no matter their experience and if you guys get on-go explore your kinks together! 🔥

[My****]

It's only natural to question what you might like but we can discover those things together as submissive as you might be you'll not be treated badly all your limits will be respected baby girl.

[Deleted Member]

Hentai foundry was a great source for me cause I got to see a lot of great concepts from all walks of life, thst helped me get a clearer idea of stuff I'd like to try

[ey****]

there is of course scope to explore via your local community.  go along, meet people, talk to them.  see which ideas appeal.

attend workshops or demos. same logic.

over time you may well make friends and some friends will be happy to try things with you.   Though, folk tend not to like to be someone's experiment.  But there's a difference, of course, between helping a friend - and - acting through kinks for the latest person to walk in.

Make friends.  

[Deleted Member]

What turns you on and ignites a spark inside you, or puts that fire in your belly... that is what I think turns one on. You just know.

Sometimes one can be in denial or reluctant to accept those urges. It's best to be free and who you are really.

[be****]

sounds like u should start trying different things on your own I'm sure u can figure out what u would get into and in joy and what u wouldn't

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, BtrSexyUnicorn said:

So I'm new to all this as I'm sure many others are. I have no idea what I do or don't like. I haven't had much experience outside if the normal sex stuff. Of course there's always a chance of meeting someone that is into some really kinky things and I guess you would know if I like it at that point. Maybe I just need a real experienced lady to teach me the ways?

I always had the desire for control and sexual domination before even knowing what sex was. Porn can help give details I suppose if you can't try something but I think for many of us it's innate and there is no question.

[ny****]

How do you know what flavor ice creams you like? You try them. The more you try and experience; the more you learn what you like and don’t like. Idc how many movies you watch or erotica that you read … there is no substitute for actual experience.

Keep in mind, that much like some foods and ice cream flavors, you may not like it on first taste and the flavor could grow on you. It’s also possible that you may like how Haagen-Dazs makes their banana split but not how Be and Jerry’s make theirs. This translates to the same actions being different depending on who the partner is that you’re sharing it with.

Ultimately, be safe; find a partner(s) that is/are respectful and willing to help you explore and learn what you like. That’s the only way you’ll ever know for sure.

[Bt****]

So I guess I need to do more research, find like minded people local to me, talk without trying ti get un their pants, maybe try some things that I may originally think no to before I know for sure.

[Va****]

When it feels right and I’m in control, I just want to do it. Within proper consent, and no kinkshaming, anything is possible.

[Deleted Member]

I think if you read some Literotica and talk with other Doms and subs on here, you'll begin to define at least what you'd like to try. Like vanilla sex, if you try it and you like it, you'll continue. If you don't, you won't. You have the choice to say, no, thanks.

[Me****]

Most people still don’t know what they want out there…….lol

[Deleted Member]

Usually what porn you have consistently looked at or frequently return to will give you a reflection on what you like. This of course assumes you look at porn.

[ge****]

First advice is don't use porn to guide you - whilst it *can* open your eyes to things you might like to try, most BDSM porn isn't a true reflection of the reality and tends to be very stereotyped and hackneyed along the "whips and chains, dirty little worm/sl*t" lines.
.
Take a step back and introspect a little - become more self-aware - think about what drew you to "kink" in the first place, and what that actually means in terms of your interest, and role in it etc.
.
Once you've done that, seek out some of the on-line BDSM checklists that list no end of BDSM "activities" and have you rate them 1-5 in terms of interest. Doing that will help you start to frame your own personal dynamic and know where your interests actually lie.
.
Get along to kink events/munches and interact with people, not necessarily with a view to anything "happening" but more to learn from them. Read blogs and forum posts on sites like this and use them to further shape your thinking.
.
Experiment on your own to a degree, some things you can get a feel for whether you'd like it or not, for example anal play or CBT are things you can try alone and experiment with from a "sensation" perspective using anal toys or clamps.
.
Once you have done all that you should have a better idea of where your interests lie and be able to start to seek out others to indulge in them with - though remember that even though you may know what you want it doesn't mean you'll find it easily.

[BigPolly]

You need to realise firstly you’re not alone & secondly, it doesn’t matter how long we’ve been on the scene we’re all still learning!
There are a lot of people who state ‘I’m up for anything’ which really means ‘I don’t know what I want but I want kinky sex’ because I’m sure 99% of the people who are up for anything, if they were presented with a bag full of needles or someone into scat etc they’d soon change their mind (or maybe they wouldn’t?!)
So rather than approaching the minefield of ‘what do I like’ try & work backwards & firstly list things you know, at this stage you definitely don’t want to try. Things that are definitely a no-go. Make those your Hard Limits.
Then look at things you might consider trying if the person you were with was willing to take things slowly & approach it with trust. You might not be sure of trying them but could be persuaded if the scenario felt ok. Then when trying them if you didn’t like it you stop immediately or try a different approach & look at making these your Soft Limits.
Ok, what does that leave? Well looking on here, reading forums & listening to people talking about things that make you want to incorporate that into your scenes.
In time & along the way your kinks & limits will change & you will approach things differently depending on experience & the people you’re with.
That happens to us all.
But quite simply you won’t know if you don’t try. I always say ‘I am willing to try (almost) everything twice’
However remember NO is a sentence all of its own & needs no explanation so if you say No to something, No still means No.

[ey****]

another thing also - if you do happen to read or watch something and you find you enjoy it

there's a difference between enjoying someone else's recap, and, wanting to be one of the people in the clip/pic/story

and that's OK.  Like, you can enjoy watching football without wishing you were on the team.  

 

[sW****]

15 hours ago, occulta said:

don't know about the rest of the newbies here, but in my case I'm feeling really frustrated. the experience I have in kink comes from past relationships and they are limited to my past partners' tastes. I found myself not knowing exactly what I want (I know more of what I don't). it would be helpful if people could just talk, you know? real conversations. I guess what's getting on my nerves is the "hi, let's do some sh*t" out of nowhere attitude I'm getting here. In my opinion, in order to find out our wishes, exploration should be organic.

Yes! Some people are here to engage, learn, teach, analyze everything about BDSM. Like me. There should be a forum especially for newbs asking questions. I don't agree that porn or movies about kink are the way to go. Every movie/porno I have seen about kinky sex or BDSM is geared toward titillating via the taboo. And most of it is hetero male fantasy stuff.