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Dom(to be) looking for advice.


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Alright here goes;

I've been sexually dominant for as long as I can remember. I've had flings and serious relationships with multiple women. Currently I'm in a LTR of about 8 years and honestly I see us having kids and growing old together. We have an active sexlife despite our busy workschedules and even though the sex is great I've been developing desires which are more bdsm orientated. Mostly I'm the one taking the initiative when it comes to sex and the sex is already pretty rough. I hold her hands behind her back, slap her ass and tits, put my fingers in her mouth, spit on her and quite frankly, fuck her brains out. She loves this as much as I do and orgasms frequently from penetration. In my opinion we have the best sex when we drink(not too much, that never works..). I believe this is because she becomes a bit bratty when tipsy and starts challenging me, which in turn makes me want to dominate her even more.

We have experimented once with bondage and boy did it go wrong. First, I think we were both too drunk which made it too much of an impulsive act and we hadn't really talked it through. After I had tied her hands behind her back the foreplay was great, also there was no problem whatsoever with missionary. It all went wrong with doggystyle. I felt something change in her posture and must've asked her about 3 times if she was ok, she kept saying she was so I continued until I came. When I untied her I noticed she was crying and man this still turns my stomach. She was raped as a teenager and somehow being this helpless triggered a part of that trauma. Shocked as I was I comforted her and we talked it over, she told me she liked being told what to do and that her desire to please me seemed to overrule her own emotional discomfort. Unfortunatly that was the only time we talked about it and we've never touched on the subject of bondage again. 

Now my fantasies include bondage and submission: her obeying commands and answering with "yes sir", dirty talk, me calling her a whore or a slut and making her dress slutty(more often). Honestly I'm also a bit conflicted by these fantasies. I respect women and believe we are equal as human beings(not saying we're the same) but when it comes to sex I want to dominate and degrade, how does that work?

I know I should talk to her about this, but I just don't know how and when. We talk about sex now and then and even though I'm not laying any blame on her, she can get really emotional if she gets the feeling she's coming up short. So my questions are: how do I go about having a conversation about this topic? And how do I deal with my own shame about these fantasies?

Posted (edited)

Dunno if anyone has helped you with this privately? I would maybe look into rape crisis centres/websites for advice. You could phone call them. You wouldn't have to give details of your sex life but more focus on her emotional state and how you want to help her with that.

She may also be a people pleaser (from what little you have revealed about her overriding her emotions) and need help with that too, this may change the dynamics of your relationship though but i recommend it if she is causing herself distress by being one.

Additionally i don't think your fantasies are the problem and there is nothing for you to be ashamed for, unfortunately someone abused the person you love and you are both having to deal with this and that is the problem. Idk how you talk to her or when an appropriate time would be.

Hope you manage to get support.

Edited by 3SumQueen

Hi 3SymQueen!

Thanks for the reply. The rape happened nearly 15 years ago and I know she has gone through extensive therapy. She claims the trauma has been dealt as much as possible. I honestly don't know enough about this so getting advice on this is a great tip. 

She is a very driven woman, there's not much that can stand between her and her goals. She also doesn't flinch from cutting people from her social life if she consideres them toxic. So I wouldn't call her a people pleaser. She's a perfectionist definitely, and loyal to a fault, but expects a certain amount of loyalty in return.

Thank you for saying there's nothing to be ashamed for, you're right for saying that the abuse she has gone through is part of the problem so I will definitely look into that.

Kind regards.



Having fantasies isn't disrespectful - so long as it's all mutual.   You can basically say "you know what we tried when we were a little drunk - I'd like to learn how to do it properly and do it sober"

that's a starting point and you can possibly grow out from there.


You're welcome. I can't help you with this personally so there's no need to reveal anything to me. Do wish you luck and things go well.



Yeah I'm working myself up towards that conversation. I don't see how a fantasy can be mutual though, it all starts with a personal one right? I would never act on those fantasies unless she'd agree on it ofcourse. If that's what you mean.. 


I'd phrased myself badly there.  But, yeah, you can respect women and fantasise about doing (perceived) horrible things to them - and, of course, so long as this is something enjoyable/consensual by the other....

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