Jump to content

When You're Their First

Recommended Posts

A kink dynamic can bring about exhilarating feelings that those new to the scene won't have experienced previously.

When you are someone's FIRST experience, someone's ONLY experience...alllllll of those feelings become associated with your face, your name, your presence, your voice. You become the source of those amazing feelings. That is an incredible amount of power over a human being.

Are you ready for that?

Everything about kink for newbies can be intense.

Impact can be extremely emotional: cathartic, painful, exhausting, thrilling, adrenaline raising, a drop, aftercare, being put back together, held, and soothed.

Rope can make you feel safe, warm, held, protected, free, bound.

And underneath all of that, is the trust and vulnerability they are placing in someone to take care of them in that state.

Everything is intense. The feelings are there. The vulnerabilities are undeniable. The connections are electrifyng, jarring, blinding at times, and intoxicating. It can make the most grounded person, lose touch with their rational.

For some it takes a long time to recognise that they have kinky desires/needs and when it comes out, most of us  go 0-100 in under 60 seconds in order to make up for lost time.

It takes us a damn sight longer to recover.

If you are entering into a dynamic with someone who is new to the kink scene, and YOU are not wanting a romantic relationship with this person, or you are not OPEN to that; then you owe it to them to inform them of this. Extensively.

And by that I mean more than one conversation that's both lengthy and detailed. Help them to differentiate the feelings that arise in kink, from the ones that happen within a relationship. The two are not the same, and some people come here full of naivety, fully susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Tell them:

"Those feelings you felt? That's the rope, not me. The rope is not going to clean the house for you. It's not going to communicate its feelings to you - because it can't talk"

Tell them:

"Yes, I can be your Sadist, I can do all of these things with you, I can give you pretty marks, I can reward you, punish you, discipline you, hold you, whisper sweet affections in your ear, and send tingles down your spine. But, just because I can do that, it doesn't make me a great life partner, it makes me a Sadist."

You see where I'm going with this. Newbies = easy targets for someone who has been in this for years.

Or even, someone else who is new.

Ask them

"Do you think you can seperate kink from your feelings?"

And even after this; those of you who have more experience, you owe to yourself, and them, to use your best judgement. Sometimes someone will say yes to ☝️ and there'll be a little person in your belly pulling a rope that tells you 'No. Even though they say they can handle it, I don't feel like they can based on what I know from all our conversation.' Listen to them. Consider stepping away out of respect for their emotional health. This is why we talk so much about Dtypes needing control over themselves first.

If you want a play partner, say so. If you want a one off, say so. If your hoping for a long term relationship, say so.

It may be that over time your wants will change and that's ok. As long as you communicate it.
I'm certainly not saying stay clear of newbies. I'm saying, be hyper aware of what we say/how we act.

Because at the end of the day, newbies are so full of emotions that we aren't able to know the difference between wants/needs or our feelings towards kink or you, the person who introduced them to it.
Agree with all you are saying CK, and also understand why you've written it from the perspective you have BUT it's important to be clear that it's a two way street and it's just as important for the submissive to take responsibility and communicate in the other direction - to put across their hopes and fears and what *they* expect from the dynamic.
Yes dominants have a duty of care, and part of that is ensuring awareness on the part of the submissive, but so too do submissives have a duty of care, to both themselves and the dominant.
And yeah newbies may not be aware of some of that or may need to be questioned to be able to get to it, but regardless of that they still have a responsibility to communicate - which of course has to come from a place of feeling able to do so freely.
Communication is the real key here for *both* parties
It is customary to discuss such matters in advance, in order to create clarity for both parties. Communication is key. Everyone has a mouth and ears and so should be able to communicate, but few communicate.
15 minutes ago, Traveler said:
It is customary to discuss such matters in advance, in order to create clarity for both parties. Communication is key. Everyone has a mouth and ears and so should be able to communicate, but few communicate.

It is both customary and reasonable to do so - unfortunately on both sides of the coin there are reasons it doesn't happen - over eagerness, fear of rejection, ignorance and more - so it's important that all KNOW that communication is key


it's one of those things where someone with experience has the power dynamic here.  (regardless of if they're sub, Dom, or just generally kinky) there's stuff they should know better on

what I think is we do often take a personal responsibility standpoint, but it is anyone's responsibility to make sure prospective partners know what is expected.

or of course; to help with the communication when it's apparent something was missed. 


The reality is there is little motivation to be direct about anything from the perspective of success(same goes for OLD in general) so most won't be. It's up to you to judge if what you are told is true or makes sense....

You're all right, it is about communication.
I think what I was trying to get across is that, from my experience, sub frenzy is a bitch. We say and do things for all kinds of reasons that in retrospect we really shouldn't. In some respects, that makes us unsafe, not just for ourselves but to others as well. We aren't neccessarily going to know where all of our limits lie because it's all new.
We need that opportunity to be able to have those open factual conversations but it's unlikely that we'll initiate them when in the deep end of frenzy. We ignore that little person in our bellies tugging that rope because we don't want to be seen as less submissive, unwilling, disappointing etc.
My hope would be that those that have more experience are initiating these conversations. My experience is unfortunately very different.
I agree wholeheartedly that the energies released in a d/s dynamic can completely overwhelm any sense of normality. And I can see from the Dom side how important it is to keep clearing and grounding myself. I personally prefer a whole connection (physical, emotional and sexual) and I see that sometimes people aren’t ready to explore that at the beginning. I don’t play without feelings being present and that doesn’t mean that things can’t get out of step. I see how easy it is to get caught up in a Dom frenzy which can escalate wildly if I’m not grounding myself. It takes effort to do this but I know that it makes everything so much easier in the long term.

sub frenzy is a bitch - and the first times you get it you don't necessarily realise what it is and it can lead to bad decision making

the other person also might not twig it is sub frenzy so might either go along with what you've said, or, it can actually push folk away

of course if they do twig it's frenzy, they might help you manage it (or be forgiven of anything you say in rash) though, yep, of course there are people who will use what you've said to get what they want.


one balancing tool for subs and dominants with sub frenzy is of course the reminder that folk can change their mind, consent revoked, etc. to help protect both people.   This can even be "you said you wanted to.... is that still the case?" 

  • Create New...