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New and not sure what to do. Advice needed.

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*If you don't like long rants involving personal dilemmas, this won't be for you*  

So let's start off with saying that I'm a 19 year old girl that really wants to be part of a bigger community, I've honestly never felt like I've fitted in anywhere before and have trouble connecting to people. (I know pretty generic stuff for a young person to feel.) I've been thinking a lot lately of how I want to experience my life and came to the conclusion that the worst thing for me would be in 80 years time to end up on my death bed and realising that I've had a uneventful and boring life. Me being me started to break down different aspects of my life now and find ways to make them more enjoyable.

Education - This is a really big part of my life, being that I'm 19 and still in the educational system, how can I make this more rememberable for myself? Not just a period of time that will mash with another inside my head later on, not just a time that future me will remake as the time I got bullied for being different or feeling so out of place it hurts. Well in all honestly this is the one of the aspects in my life that I'm sorta okay with now. I mean high school was hell but hey wasn't it for everyone? Now that I'm in college I get to pursue my dreams of becoming a game designer and I have a good if not a slightly strange friend group. But I feel like something is missing. 

Family - Another huge part of my life, without them I wouldn't be me and I'm super grateful to my Mum and sister for always being there for me. There's not a lot to say about this topic but it's important all the same. Also my Dad abandoned my family when I was young and caused some good ol' trauma on the way out, so maybe this is way I like Daddy Dom? Not to butcher Bowlbys' attachment theory but I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

Religion - Oh boy this is a breast of a subject for me, see I was raised by my Dad to be a very religious person. Like no sex before marriage (already failed that one guess I'm going straight to hell) and that being with the same gender is a sin (which was pretty funny to me being a bisexual gal myself, sorry pops). Basically I was raised with a very closed minded outlook on life, which I inevitably rejected when my parents split and I thought it was safe to come out about my preferences. Now that I feel like I'm allowed to discover more about the world outside of that mindset I've become a much more rounded individual, and would like to explore this part of my life more if not for my religious hang ups that still drag me down to this day. 

Relationships - So this is the most appropriate subject for this site, being that this site is sort of anonymous I'm confident in saying that I've only ever been with two people sexually and honestly it was massively disappointing both times. I think it might be that I watch so much porn that I have unrealistic expectations of how it's suppose to be, but at the same time I'm really sex positive so I'm just hoping that it was because of the people I was with and not knowing enough about myself. After my second sexual encounter I started looking into things that would make the experience more enjoyable for me and my partners, and that's how I came across kink and fetish communities online. I'm super interested in the subject but also have no clue where to start or where to find people that are willing to have this sort of relationship that aren't hundreds of miles away?  

How did you guys get into the scene? 

And what advice would you give to a person just coming into the scene? 


Hello and welcome :)

I got into the scene because I wrote erotica, ended up going to fairs to sell my books and through that found people in the scene and eventually tried an event and there's been no looking back (that was about 2 1/2 years ago) .

I recommend you get yourself to as many events as is possible for you, munches are probably the bnest to start with, as they're simply social without play elements but meeting people face to face is a great way to learn things. 

As a side note, I'm a Christian, an ordained minister and very LGBTQI positive and kink positive. You can balance out spirituality, religion and beliefs with kink and sex. 


I have had a high libido practically since I was born, but only discovered the BDSM world within the last 6+ months. I'm naturally Dominant, I write erotica, and I know the struggle you have of trying to find yourself. We both share the teenage cliché of identity
I started attending munches in my area. Met people from all walks of life that shared a common difference. Learned a lot from those with perspectives not my own. Found and attended classes, discussion groups, and attended leather events regionally. I also bought many books and studies many forms of play. I think that's the best way to discover what's out there away from the glamor of BDSM porn

Basically there was a local event I fancied and one day bought tickets, I later started to go to munches (which I would recommend as a starting point) and made friends very quickly.

Me and my partner found this life style the other way round. We had a healthy sex life but it was begging to get stale (despite effort on both sides and allot different experiences and experimentation). We still wanted to keep trying new and more intense experiences and we quickly realised that we needed the structure of bdsm for some of it to work properly but then got hooked on the bdsm it's self. What ever you are trying to experience sex is always a sum of the effort, experience and compatibility of everyone involved so at 19 your experiences might very well be disappointing if you've not had chance to get comfortable with someone else who wants to take the time to do it well. A couple of personal notes if they are of interest to you, your already more experienced than I was at 22 so not only do you have plenty of time but your doing better than I was, ting especially if you were working towards different goals or being selfish. Porn can be great inspiration but you have to remember to enjoy whats actually happening. As a couple in south wales we have found it very difficult to get in contact with anyone and the one venue we have been interested in the shoddy website and communication has robbed all interest we had of attending their events, so getting into "the community" can take a bit of commitment especially while your trying to figure out what you actually want. In my experience me and my partner are on the young side for this community and I don't see many people younger than us at all, if this is accurate then it either bothers you or it doesn't.
  • 2 weeks later...
Agree with the other posters Munches and local events are a great way to meet people and network , I understand that attending such events for the first time can be daunting but maybe you can pal up with someone local who is in the same situation to hold your hand , but don't worry the kink community is very welcoming and not judgy , have fun exploring .
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