BDSM Is...Individualised

[CopperKnob]

Which Is Why I'll Never Understand Your 'One True Way'.

BDSM is as pliable as Blu-Tac. It can and will take on whatever form you choose. For some though, it can be a religion. I hope never to turn it into that. To do so has the potential for it to end in a preachy, judgey, shouting match. I prefer kink to enable connection with others organically, and the notion of a 'One True Way' obliterates any hope of that. Submission compels me because it requires a level of vulnerability that’s so much more intensely intimate than anything else I’ve found.

There are aspects of BDSM which are already quite dark, but treating kink as a cult is the fastest way into the deepest, darkest area's of a black hole. To give my submission that much weight would cause me to find myself drowning in it. Aside from consent, safety and ethics, there should be no generalised “ought to's" or “shoulds.” At least not on this sliver of earth I call mine. A dynamic grows and evolves naturally. Different people will bring different parts of my submission out. Give me icecream, not textbooks. Show me your heart, I want to be able to see into your soul. Intellectualising about and dictating to others in relation to BDSM only shows me your head. It's not that I don't value thought and intellect, I do, I just prefer to keep the two on a separate islands.

Submission, like art, needs the critic inside me to be silence. Masochism, like writing, needs me to be present right there in the moment, and the easiest way to remove that potential is to treat BDSM cerebrally. My head is built for logical and rational thought but I have no interest in turning a romance or sex life into anything even vaguely rational. I sexualise pain and being restrained. What rationality is there to be found in that?

The thing about my submission is its ability to calm the chaos in my head, make me feel and to call me into the present. It's one aspect of D/s which carries immense value. I don’t give that much value to a sermon or prayer because BDSM is not a religion, nor is it a cult. It means different things to all of us. We don't all fit into a pile of stuffy old boxes with labels on them and that's OK because, Your Kink Is Not My Kink.

[Da****]

Could not agree more... what is right for may not be right for someone else..thats the beauty of BDSM its not one size fits all.. and what may be right for me today may be different six months from now as we explore more kinks... BDSM is ever changing adapting..and it's what makes it great.

[ey****]

when I (re)joined everything about 9 years ago there was a certain magic in my mind - of - so many possibilities, adventures, of which will the path go.

A lot of that was actually 'sub frenzy' - but - it's true and even now I have no idea what the next 12-18 months have in store.

Granted - I know what my kinks are and what interests me and what doesn't. I can't say I won't be open to new ideas.  But, y'know. I also have taken in with fascination and wonder what works for other people.  Some of which I understand more than others - but it makes them happy and no one is getting hurt (who shouldn't be)

When people talk about the olden times (which are not *really* the olden times, they usually talk about ideas from the 1990s and early 2000s) as if that is kind of the only option - it feels a rather narrow view.   And I won't dismiss it in saying that it's wrong, entirely, cos it works for them 

To a degree though, it's arguably all they know. There was a time when information wasn't as forthcoming or freely available as it is now - so information was given as a kinda hand-me-down from someone else which felt like it was a 300 year-old tradition which was actually dreamt up in a burger bar in 1994.

And while people snark modern literature (50 Shades, etc) there's other ideas which were taken from fiction books and presumed to be true.  

I'm not saying any of that is bad, it's ideas, and works for people.  But to assume it is the only way is extremely narrow.  

[ge****]

Totally and completely agree - kink/BDSM is as individual as the people practicing it - there is no single "right" way only "your" way or "there" way - yes there are plenty of generally held "wrong" ways that are obvious (abusive, illegal being a couple of examples) but beyond that it doesn't matter if kink for you the individual is doing it with the lights on or whips and chains 24/7, so long as all involved are both informed and consenting.
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As eyem points out many of the so called "rules" are constructs of the last 30 years and primarily from the Internet age and chat rooms etc where protocols were rife and dictated to anyone finding their way to those places and some of them were totally ridiculous, the whole thing of capitalising pro-nouns and names being a good example - was just a means of designating control in a textual environment.
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As a submissive I know, my worth, my own mind and desires - if someone else doesn't match those, it doesn't mean their way is wrong, but will likely mean they're not for me - and if they're not, they don't get to exert control over me in any way, which includes following any "rules" they may have.

[TheBookCollector]

I dislike those that push the 'tru' way

[TheBookCollector]

*(continue) as it doesnt allow people.to settle into what is.comfortable for them as they often feel inadequate in light.of this tru way.
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That said a lot of the protocols permeate through most dynamics, and in some.cases they have been adopted from Gorean (eg display positions) and other literature like The story of O.
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In short pic.and choose what. Works for you, dont listen to those that tell you,.its not the tru way, and never try and model your.relationship on anyone elses, as all you ever see is the public facade, not the private relationship which can be frayed at the edges.

[ey****]

I saw a post the other day that was "men will pick a football team when they are 11 and be mad about it the rest of their lives" and it feels like that a lot with some of the truewayers - but that even if they are happy, they get mad people support other teams, watch other sports or don't even like football

and as for the people who support *two* teams.  

Edit to add : actually as well the thing with the more true way is they *didn't* pick a football team, someone else told them who to support as if that was the only option if they wished to be a true football fan - and now they've had a lifetime of humiliation in a Sunderland shirt. 

Edited August 15, 2022 by eyemblacksheep