You Don't Need an MA in Kink to belong

[CopperKnob]

Being a brand-new sub is like joining university at Master's level when all you have is a playschool certificate. There are thousands of Dominants competing for your devotion and you feel utterly lost. Bob wants total power exchange right this instant. Betty thinks your knife play limit makes you soft, and John is a poly bareback dom. If you don't like it, you're clearly a fake sub. Go play with the vanilla crowd if you're too skittish for us. Is what they'll say, and it doesn't help that you think you have to earn your place in this community.

You enter the kink scene at the kids' playground. You're the most vulnerable sub in this institution, so there are hundreds of predators around. They know precisely how to find inexperienced subs, so when you're a recent addition to your area's submissive members, you may as well be sending out a dog whistle to every wolf in the neighbourhood.

You feel you have to earn your right to belong through a long list of sexual behaviours. You take risks you'd rather avoid. You drop limits you'd rather keep. You ignore the gut feelings you should trust. Would refusing a TPE arrangement make you an imposter? Is it okay to refuse permanent marks? Does your understanding of abuse change in the kink scene? Or is your self-preservation instinct too vanilla?

We all see the posts from the kids' playground, and they all tell the same story. Noob Sub meets an Experienced Dom. Experienced Dom requires them to take absurd risks. Noob Sub expresses uncertainty, and Experienced Dom accuses them of being a fraud. Our frightened newbie spends the next year doing dangerous things to earn their right to be in the kink scene...

... only to find that Experienced Dom isn't even a part of the community. They just hang around at the outskirts picking up inexperienced subs.

The story always ends the same way: Noob Sub's risks come home to roost in the form of injuries, broken hearts, and consent violations.

Here's the thing, though: There is no playschool. The kids' playground is a figment of your imagination. You've entered the kink scene as an adult with a lifetime of experience. You already have your Master's degree. You just don't realise it yet. The vanilla world teaches you the most important things you need to know about kink. Things like identifying predators... things like risk awareness, consent, and respect.

BDSM is not the totality of a relationship. It's merely a framework. All the things that hang on that frame are right there in your heart.

If your gut is burning like a GoT finale, it's because you've already learned how to detect abusive behaviour. You've identified a threat, and your body is telling you that. Trust yourself. Distrust anyone who calls you too vanilla. Ethical people don't make others feel ashamed for having limits. Hell, they'll encourage your boundaries.

One of the kink communities biggest secrets is that, as long as you treat others ethically, you belong if you walk in the door. You don't have to prove you're hardcore. You don't even have to be hardcore. All you've got to do is listen to your intuition and practice the same principles you've always had.

The grownups' table is over here. You can tell by all the conversations about consent and the sky-high pile of hard limits on the plate You can tell by the empty seat that's reserved for people exactly like you.

[Qu****]

Well written and well said. It can also apply to doms starting out on their journey which can be a daunting exercise.

[Bl****]

I couldn't agree more, it's like a mine field. Hard limits are always set in stone and a Dominant should always have respect and safety always in mind with a submissive

[typhoon2]

Unlike a university, there are no qualifications for Dominants - only faith in what they say/do being authentic. It's for more level-headed folk to lead by example and show the best examples. Good writing.

[Submissy]

This is really helpful. I'm not new to my desires but I'm a fairly new sub. How do I tell the fake doms who just want to abuse from the real doms please? As It is quite daunting.

[Sa****]

Just as you would in vanilla life. You decide your pace. If the person you’re talking to is introducing concepts you’re not comfortable with tell them. If they don’t back down, walk away.

If they push you to move faster than you’re comfortable with, tell them, if they don’t back off, walk away. 

If they’re not prepared to take the time to get to know you, and to establish some trust so you can safely take the next step. Walk away. 

A genuine Dominant will give you the time you need, will want to get to know you. Your submission is the cherry on top of the icing of the cake. It’s your gift to the world. Don’t give it up easily. Those wanting quick fixes will either give up or resort to insults. 

Also, I would heartily recommend you getting a 2nd opinion via a sympathetic friend/mentor, or if you’re not sure and don’t have access to either, ask here. Ask questions constantly. Take nothing for granted. You’re not alone
 

 

Edited September 24, 2022 by SadicoSangre

[CopperKnob]

28 minutes ago, Submissy said:

This is really helpful. I'm not new to my desires but I'm a fairly new sub. How do I tell the fake doms who just want to abuse from the real doms please? As It is quite daunting.

You'll know because you won't be comfortable with the conversation. The conversation may not contain flashing red flags but 'something' will be off and your gut will know it. Listen to your gut, don't ignore it, it's rarely wrong. It'll help you identify the people that you aren't compatible with.
Be aware of new relationship energy and sub frenzy and how they impact your decision making.

[Deviant_Ric]

Easily one of your best written, and clearly insightful, pieces to date CopperKnob. Just the right amount of sarcasm and humour to underpin some very important statements of fact.
I only hope those that should be reading this and taking note, do so.
The feeling or sense of being an outsider is no different to venturing into any pastures new, so the same rules apply: watch, listen, ask questions, observe, respect, know and accept your limitations, and grow.

[Phineas]

Speaking as someone who was abused for 13 years, nonconsensually (coercive control) in a vanilla relationship (my marriage) be very careful what you agree to, cos you may realise too late what you got yourself into; by the time I realised what was happening to me, I was too broken to escape (and I'm now in therapy for it). It may all sound exciting but until you're confident in what you are and aren't willing to do, and in your trust in the other person (and trust just takes time) play very safely.

[Deleted Member]

Really like this. Thank you. I’m new, unsure if I’m a sub, dom or both. Appreciate your words of wisdom.

[Koby]

It easy to get lost in the "magic & excitement " of BDSM.

 

Well written post.

[Char__]

3 hours ago, Blue_eyes321 said:

I couldn't agree more, it's like a mine field. Hard limits are always set in stone and a Dominant should always have respect and safety always in mind with a submissive

I prefer to think hard limits should be set behind bars of steel; completely safe where they are, but you should be able to open the cage and move some of them if you want to ... Then close the damn thing up again and keep the ones you want to stay.

[Bl****]

Yes I agree but once they are set to me only the submissive is allowed to re open that cage not the dom

[Puppy6411]

Is it also important to lay out what you absolutely do want?
Not just what your hard limits are.
Do not think about the pink elephant with orange spots and blue nails....

[ey****]

5 hours ago, Blue_eyes321 said:

a Dominant should always have respect and safety always in mind with a submissive

a submissive should also have respect and safety in mind with a Dominant, it is very much a two way street

[Bl****]

Tbh I agree it is two ways since the trust and connection is key 

[Le****]

As a domme, it breaks my heart hearing of "dom's" from their past who have mentally and physically scarred them. This lifestyle is actually quite beautiful when a dynamic is right. Those who hurt without full consent, whether it's a new sub or even to a dom, is a disgrace.

[Ch****]

12 hours ago, Phineas said:

Speaking as someone who was abused for 13 years, nonconsensually (coercive control) in a vanilla relationship (my marriage) be very careful what you agree to, cos you may realise too late what you got yourself into; by the time I realised what was happening to me, I was too broken to escape (and I'm now in therapy for it). It may all sound exciting but until you're confident in what you are and aren't willing to do, and in your trust in the other person (and trust just takes time) play very safely.

Hugs sweet. I to was controlled by my darling narcissistic x husband. 

 

I am much more free and happy with my master. My master as given me so much confidence an my self esteem back.

 

Master an I maybe kinksters I may serve him in accordance to our contract.

 

But what I do get when I see him is cuddle time . We often will listen to a audio book we like.

 

We will down on his bed and cuddle an I am safe and if there's anything no matter what I need to talk about he is there for me.

 

I trust my master so much. A few months back I was given anaesthetic to have teeth out. When it was time to come home master took me to his an looked after me. He took my shoes of put me to bed an checked on me every half hour.

 

I was at 1 of my most vulnerable times but he was the perfect gentleman.  He even took my boots of as I was still out of it.

He coverd the pillows in towels. As he was told I could have bleeding from my mouth.

I was at my mos vulnerable but he looked after me 

[Phineas]

9 hours ago, Charms said:

Hugs sweet. I to was controlled by my darling narcissistic x husband. 

 

I am much more free and happy with my master. My master as given me so much confidence an my self esteem back.

 

Master an I maybe kinksters I may serve him in accordance to our contract.

 

But what I do get when I see him is cuddle time . We often will listen to a audio book we like.

 

We will down on his bed and cuddle an I am safe and if there's anything no matter what I need to talk about he is there for me.

 

I trust my master so much. A few months back I was given anaesthetic to have teeth out. When it was time to come home master took me to his an looked after me. He took my shoes of put me to bed an checked on me every half hour.

 

I was at 1 of my most vulnerable times but he was the perfect gentleman.  He even took my boots of as I was still out of it.

He coverd the pillows in towels. As he was told I could have bleeding from my mouth.

I was at my mos vulnerable but he looked after me 

I'm glad you found your peace ☺️

[Deleted Member]

Great post.

[TrixieDeVile]

Oh my gravy! Thank your for this post. This is just what I needed to read. Thank you so much!!

[Ho****]

What a great post. Love it!

[Deleted Member]

Fabulous post - especially for new submissives