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A newcomers guide to finding a partner.

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Online fetish dating can be an absolute minefield when you're just starting out. So here's some tips to help you along the way. 


1) Know yourself

For experienced kinksters and fetishists, inducting newcomers into kinkdom can be a long, bumpy process with much to explore.

So before you make your profile:


Research Kinks and Fetishes

With all the information available online, it's easy for one to feel overwhelmed.

Start by figuring out whether you're dominant, submissive, or switch.

-- Dominants take control

-- Submissive surrender control

-- Switches can change between Dominant and Submissive.

Once you've established your role, research kinks you'd like to explore. If you already have an idea, great. But if not , there's ample material online such as: sex blogs, documentaries, and user-submitted videos.


Consider the lifestyle you want.

When it comes to the ideal fetish lifestyle, people's needs differ. Some want a  high protocol, 24/7 commitment. Others want it on weekends, and some are simply looking to spice up their sex lives.

Knowing where you stand on this matter will save ample time when finding a partner. And it pays to understand the full spectrum of fetish lifestyle choices.

You should always be clear about what you want, both presently, and in the future. Time is precious when searching for a partner, don't waste it through miscommunication.


Consider the kind of person you want.

Once you know what you want sexually, think about the sort of person you'd like to practice with. Start by asking yourself the following questions.

Do you want a professional or a hobbyist?

While professional fetishists usually demand tributes in return for their services, they're without doubt the quickest way to live out your fantasies. They're incredibly good at what they do. And most of the time, they're worth every tribute.

But if such luxuries are unaffordable to you , there's always the old fashioned way.

And while there isn't what you might call a foolproof method, there are certainly ways to speed things up.


2) Take pride in your appearance

In the online fetish dating world,  pride in ones appearance means more than pretty outfits and good photos.

It means dotting the I's, crossing the T's, and being mindful of what you post. On dating sites especially: image is everything. 

There should be no spelling mistakes, no grammatical errors, and no rambling.

You don't need to be a die-hard grammar nazi, but since most online conversations begin as text conversations, there's no harm improving your writing style. 

A good writing style will bring better results, even if your not what they're looking for. 

Just look at those email marketers who make thousands in a day sending emails; If their writing does that for them, there's no reason why yours can't help you find someone.

Your profile should be well-written, informative, and a good reflection of yourself. The first thing a person will do when you message them is check your profile; so make sure it's good.


3) Get membership 

Members get first dibs on messaging new members, can comment on other people's wall posts, write more of their own posts, and add more friends. 

And since matchmaking is very much a numbers game; the more people you speak to, the higher your chance for success.

 So if  you're serious about finding a partner, I'd recommend becoming a member.


4) Know your audience

When I say 'know your audience', I don't just mean sexually.

If you're a submissive searching for a domme to trample you with her smelly feet,  then yes, you're audience will be dommes with nice feet - - and if they're feet sweat a lot, even better.

But if that's your only criteria, finding the right person will take forever. 


Ask yourself the following: 


What is your preferred age range?


How experienced do you want them to be?


What will you try, and what won't you try? 


 How far are you willing to travel? 


 How much time are you willing to invest?


 Do you want to be exclusive?


 Do you want a real life interaction, or are you happy keeping it digital? 


And last but not least, think about them. Mistress Malevolent has feelings, passions, dreams and problems like everybody else.

Make sure you know how involved you want to be in her life, and establish clear emotional boundaries. Doing so could save one from heartbreak.


5) Learn the Art of Active Listening.

Behind every profile is a person with needs as important as yours. Give them the respect they deserve, and show interest in them. Not just in what they can do for you sexually, but in them as people.

Open your post with a polite introduction telling them who you are, and things  you'd like to know about them.

Ask them what they do creatively. The books they read, the films they watch, and the places they've been to.

Discover the kind of person they are and cherish their uniqueness. Even if you're not what they looking for, there's nothing to stop you being friends. Making friends will help you meet people faster. 

And if you're not a natural conversationalist, never fear. Ive written you some tips. 


 Ask open ended questions

Open ended questions are questions that require more than just a yes or no answer.

-- 'how did you come to be a dominatrix' is open ended question. 


-- 'Are you a dominatrix?' is not. 


Ask effective questions

In economics, the Pareto Principle, better known as the 80/20 principle, proposes that from one hundred percent of your actions, only 20 percent will bring results.

So what's that got to do with finding a partner?

The next time you introduce yourself to someone, create two lists.


-- a ten things you'd like to tell them about yourself

-- a ten things you'd like to know about them


Pick the two things most important things from each list, and structure them into your post.


A basic structure would look like this:


i.) Say hi, and provide reason for contacting.

ii.)  two things about you

iii. ) two things about them

iv. ) thank them for reading


By doing this, you'll create efficient, inquisitive messages that'll stand you out from the desperate sex-crazed masses. 

6) Be Consistent.

Beyond all else, just keep trying.

Go to fetish clubs and events. Go to munches and meet-ups. Browse through our chat room, post an ad on your profile, or make posts on our forum.

The quickest way to meet people is by making a name for yourself in the community - - so do it.

Keep trying, never give up, and most importantly, have fun.

I hope you enjoyed reading and please do leave me some comments. Good or bad, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Edited by Deleted Member
Wanted to improve format
a very well-written and extremely practical posting... containing a rich variety of useful common-sense information... (which ought to be required reading for any newcomers to the site - and even some veterans... perhaps this could be incorporated into a Magazine article...?) thank you very much for posting this... I am sure that it will help many people's journey's to know themselves, and what they are truly looking for... thank you again...
I concur with haroldcecilgeorge's comment this a very insightful article, having returned to this site after being in my first 'kink/fetish' relationship, I forgot what a minefield it can be, and trying to stand out from the crowd can be a little daunting. I've determined that it will probably take some time, and also that I need to be true to myself and not try to be someone I'm not. A lot of what you have written backs up my thinking. So Thank you.
This is incredibly well written and certainly matches my expectations/criteria for someone who is interested in me. I’m also in the somewhat lucky/rare position that of those I have had interest in for actual physical meet who are close enough that a practical meet could occur have been highly successful (and there has even been a couple of bites from further afield, which will be more likely to happen when I’m visiting family than anything else)

Really good post.    Tying in with your last point a little though... patience...  

on one hand it is better to wait and meet someone more suitable than just playing at the very first opportunity (I also think coming over desperate is off-putting) but also that results are not usually instant.

There's a blog post I've drafted where we live in a world where we're getting used to getting what we want as we want it - but kink is still (rightfully) quite traditional.   So, yep, everything you do looking to constantly improve yourself to up your appeal is beneficial to you in the long term.

And then also... learning... if you send a bunch of messages or make a bunch of posts that don't get the response you wanted - "trying again" with the same format 3-6 months later is going to yield the same nothingness. 


Great advice in this post, I have lost count of the one word introductory messages I get and ignore

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