Newbie to group

[Whiterose-gonedark]

Hi,

I've been into the bdsm lifestyle for quite a while and started beginning to open up further into the world.

I'm just wanting to know how yo get into the right mindset. Mainly with corrections.

I ask my partner to do something for me, she doesnt do it with excuse of forgetting (which I would be more forgiving if there was a decent excuse). She gives me puppy eyes, pouts and says sorry. I seem to forgive her, say "remember to do it next time" and it happens again. 

Unsure whether she wants some "funishment" or some correction. Just need to get out of the constant forgiving.

Can any Dom or sub give a little advice. Anything would be appropriated.

[ge****]

Are you in a BDSM or vanilla relationship with her? As the answers may be very different dependent on which.
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If it's BDSM have you had a discussion with her about your dynamic and expectations from both sides, not to mention things like what your dynamic looks like to both of you, limits, boundaries, whether it's 24/7 or an occasional thing etc? If not then that would be the place to start - if you have had that conversation then you should already have your answers based on it.

[Whiterose-gonedark]

Thank you for your reply.

We are engaged and live together, but we both have the BDSM lifestyle we like to delve into as much as possible with eachother. 

We have discussions every week about things we are liking/not liking, stuff to try, ect. I explain about certain shall I say "assignments" and if she keeps not doing them, I'll think of what the "correction" will be. 

she doesnt do the "assignment", says sorry and I forgive. 

Am I being too soft on her and allowing her to get away with stuff too easily. I'm not really wanting her to think I'm a push over.

[Deleted Member]

If I have things that I’m truly supposed to do and I don’t I get one real spank per transgression. Not a funishment spank, a skin burning make me yelp spank. Always bare hand because they feel the spank should hurt if both. It’s what I need.
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If I brat and say something smart ass or jokingly resist and order I get a funishment. Usually a throat f$&@)$&@.
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My Dom know the difference because the attitude is different. I show actual remorse for real transgressions. We also talked about it.
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My suggestion would be to ask yourself how important are these tasks? Are they something that really matters to you? Next, ask her if she is okay with the types of tasks. Then ask her what she expects from you when she fails to complete. Communication and consent on punishment and severity is key.

[BigPolly]

Despite it being a relationship, you need to work on what you want and your own boundaries and limits first, once those ideas are in place this will allow you to play with a better mindset.
If you’d rather forgive than punish, then there is nothing wrong with that but you both have to discuss and decide what outcomes will be.
There is also nothing wrong with scenes not going to plan or changing things at last minute but being constantly ‘unsure’ will just cause you unnecessary stress or frustration.

[Whiterose-gonedark]

6 hours ago, DenverKitten said:

If I have things that I’m truly supposed to do and I don’t I get one real spank per transgression. Not a funishment spank, a skin burning make me yelp spank. Always bare hand because they feel the spank should hurt if both. It’s what I need.
.
If I brat and say something smart ass or jokingly resist and order I get a funishment. Usually a throat f$&@)$&@.
.
My Dom know the difference because the attitude is different. I show actual remorse for real transgressions. We also talked about it.
.
My suggestion would be to ask yourself how important are these tasks? Are they something that really matters to you? Next, ask her if she is okay with the types of tasks. Then ask her what she expects from you when she fails to complete. Communication and consent on punishment and severity is key.

Thank for your reply. 

You have a point about the severity of the failed task and let it off. 

Tbh, last task I asked of her was to tidy out her wardrobe, as I'm sending over *** so she can buy all new clothes she'd love to wear. So all clothes she doesnt wear or are worn can be thrown or charity shop. 

Sent the *** over and shes bought all new clothes she loves and not tidied the wardrobe out. So now theres no room for the new clothes. I have asked her twice to do it, she apologises and says she will do it. Never happened so far. I've said I'd help her now, as it's getting an eye sore seeing new clothes hanging/folded everywhere.

[Whiterose-gonedark]

50 minutes ago, BigPolly said:

Despite it being a relationship, you need to work on what you want and your own boundaries and limits first, once those ideas are in place this will allow you to play with a better mindset.
If you’d rather forgive than punish, then there is nothing wrong with that but you both have to discuss and decide what outcomes will be.
There is also nothing wrong with scenes not going to plan or changing things at last minute but being constantly ‘unsure’ will just cause you unnecessary stress or frustration.

Thank you for your reply. 

I will have a sit down and talk about it in our next weekly chat. It's been helpful what you replied back to me. 

[ge****]

11 minutes ago, Whiterose-gonedark said:

Thank for your reply. 

You have a point about the severity of the failed task and let it off. 

Tbh, last task I asked of her was to tidy out her wardrobe, as I'm sending over *** so she can buy all new clothes she'd love to wear. So all clothes she doesnt wear or are worn can be thrown or charity shop. 

Sent the *** over and shes bought all new clothes she loves and not tidied the wardrobe out. So now theres no room for the new clothes. I have asked her twice to do it, she apologises and says she will do it. Never happened so far. I've said I'd help her now, as it's getting an eye sore seeing new clothes hanging/folded everywhere.

When you set a task - does it come with the added "...or this will happen if you don't."? Perhaps that's one way of dealing with it from both your perspectives - from hers to act as motivation to do it (particularly if the thing that will happen is something within her limits that she doesn't particularly like) and from yours to motivate you to do that thing despite the puppy dog eyes?
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You could even add a carrot of something she enjoys if she does complete the task.

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, Whiterose-gonedark said:

Thank for your reply. 

You have a point about the severity of the failed task and let it off. 

Tbh, last task I asked of her was to tidy out her wardrobe, as I'm sending over *** so she can buy all new clothes she'd love to wear. So all clothes she doesnt wear or are worn can be thrown or charity shop. 

Sent the *** over and shes bought all new clothes she loves and not tidied the wardrobe out. So now theres no room for the new clothes. I have asked her twice to do it, she apologises and says she will do it. Never happened so far. I've said I'd help her now, as it's getting an eye sore seeing new clothes hanging/folded everywhere.

To me the easy punishment is take the new stuff away until it’s done. I can’t speak for her but, for myself, punishment is very important. If I break rules and there is no consequence, it makes me feel insecure. Basically, my Dom isn’t following through. I don’t want the punishment, but I do need it. Maybe that will help you mentally feel okay with not forgiving.

[Whiterose-gonedark]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

When you set a task - does it come with the added "...or this will happen if you don't."? Perhaps that's one way of dealing with it from both your perspectives - from hers to act as motivation to do it (particularly if the thing that will happen is something within her limits that she doesn't particularly like) and from yours to motivate you to do that thing despite the puppy dog eyes?
.
You could even add a carrot of something she enjoys if she does complete the task.

Ah yes, explain if she has done "give praise" and the "penalty" if not, before hand.

Thank you, I may have been missing that. Something to think about.

[Whiterose-gonedark]

2 hours ago, DenverKitten said:

To me the easy punishment is take the new stuff away until it’s done. I can’t speak for her but, for myself, punishment is very important. If I break rules and there is no consequence, it makes me feel insecure. Basically, my Dom isn’t following through. I don’t want the punishment, but I do need it. Maybe that will help you mentally feel okay with not forgiving.

I was actually thinking about that, but will it be too late? Especially when I've told her I would give her a hand. Shall I do it for next time and let her know if the task/chore/assignment isnt done, I shall remove something that she likes?

 

I will discuss that idea of how it makes her feel in our next weekly chat, on me not following through with the "correction" and how she feels about it. It would help me aswell.

Thank you.

[ey****]

Speak to her on her expectancies

is she genuinely forgetting things (is this something that needs help with) or do it in the hope you'll respond a certain way.

Don't second guess - speak to her.