SophieSubSlut11 Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 1 minute ago, Perveropotente said: Maybe. If she is not sure, stop talking to him. If she continues, means she is interested. Easiest way-meet him, see how he is, how he talks, how he treats her. Coffee shop or something. That's simple for me. I don't like complicating simple things. Staying online may take forever and in a month or two months time she will be in the same place. That would be a waste of her time and energy. Your advice to applicable to online dating. Not bdsm. There’s a reason most people are supporting patience in the other comments.
BruiseWayne Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 2 minutes ago, Perveropotente said: Maybe. If she is not sure, stop talking to him. If she continues, means she is interested. Easiest way-meet him, see how he is, how he talks, how he treats her. Coffee shop or something. That's simple for me. I don't like complicating simple things. Staying online may take forever and in a month or two months time she will be in the same place. That would be a waste of her time and energy. Look man I understand what you're saying, but the guy is already exhibiting sketchy behavior and normally when that kind of thing happens this early on it's a really reeeeeally bad sign. Telling her to just take a chance and go meet if she's interested is not great advice, no offense.
QXX666 Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 What stop you to give space between the comms? It’s not like he’s forcing you to reply? You seems infatuated by his charm and his way to connect with you, it’s not red flag! All you have to do is getting back some control as you are at the same level at the moment. You are trying to know each other. You are not a sub and he is not a Dom. Only 2 peoples communicating….
BruiseWayne Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 1 minute ago, QXX666 said: What stop you to give space between the comms? It’s not like he’s forcing you to reply? You seems infatuated by his charm and his way to connect with you, it’s not red flag! All you have to do is getting back some control as you are at the same level at the moment. You are trying to know each other. You are not a sub and he is not a Dom. Only 2 peoples communicating…. No matter how much time she takes between replies, a minute or a month, this is STILL a big red flag coming from the Dom and there's not a whole lot that's going to change that. Sure the OP might be going through a bit of sub frenzy too, but that doesn't change the Dom's behavior or how he's handling things with her. If anything it seems like he's taking advantage of the fact that he can push her over and get what he wants regardless of her concerns. Not great.
QXX666 Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 21 minutes ago, BruiseWayne said: Dom/sub? Did at any time she mentioned she was into a relationship with him…? She take time to reply….she gained control. then he will think about his reply. she’s obviously/mentioned she enjoyed very much his conversation….so no need to be so radical/extreme in judgement. He react to her enjoyment so he might just be eager to please. Maybe too young or novice. we only know one side of the story…
Ar**** Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 37 minutes ago, Perveropotente said: Easiest way-meet him, see how he is, how he talks, how he treats her. Coffee shop or something. It might be simple or easy from coming from the perspective of most males, but certainly isn't automatically safe or recommended with just anybody. We have vetting for a reason.
Ar**** Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 1 hour ago, Matttster said: I will also note that dominants also push soft limits, so if you were not clear in your conviction (hard limit) of keeping things slow, some pushing is somewhat understandable. Please don't speak for all of us. A lot of Doms consider soft limits just as off-the-table as hard ones until/unless our partners indicate otherwise or unless we've been explicitly told when such limits are allowed to be bent or broken.
Perveropotente Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 48 minutes ago, BruiseWayne said: Look man I understand what you're saying, but the guy is already exhibiting sketchy behavior and normally when that kind of thing happens this early on it's a really reeeeeally bad sign. Telling her to just take a chance and go meet if she's interested is not great advice, no offense. Offence not taken. I just said what I think. That's how discussion works. Obviously she is still thinking of him. If she felt she is at risk she would just quit. I just ordered a solution of she can't make up her mind. And obviously she can't if she's asking for an advice here. Coffee shop with plenty of people is a good place, and safe. If that helps go one way or another. I usually meet people that way. Easier to sense and judge how he is she is face to face than just relying on chatting away online.
Perveropotente Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 55 minutes ago, SophieSubSlut11 said: Your advice to applicable to online dating. Not bdsm. There’s a reason most people are supporting patience in the other comments. Your opinion you have a right to. Just like me. If she can't make up her mind because she is asking here obviously he is still in her head somehow. For me, cut the contact entirely or continue. Chatting away online won't sort it out unless he is exhibiting really weird shit. But she should know that by now. If not, public place is as good as ever. And that also of course applies to "normal" dates. You think normal dating does not require time, patience and trust? Of course it does. Regardless it's vanilla relationship or BDSM type of intimacy, one side can hurt the other other. Regardless the labelling what that is.
Deleted Member Posted March 13, 2023 Author Posted March 13, 2023 1 hour ago, SophieSubSlut11 said: Any responsible Dom will be encouraging you to take time to get to know each other as humans first. The reality check here should be - attention from a person behind the screen is just that. It’s all smoke and mirrors until you build rapport and trust and friendship - wayyyyy before ever discussing dynamics etc. the rabbit hole / sub frenzy is a very real thing. Has he warned you off that? Have you learned the distinction between bdsm and sex yet? While it’s good to let other peoples behaviour show you who they are VS they’re words, you have a responsibility in this too. What research have you done? What boundaries have you put in place? What are your safety measures and limits? Keep getting to know him as a human. Have a phone call. Have a video call. Have another one. Swing by the lobby with him and see how he fairs against other experienced kinksters. Then maybe grab a coffee one day. If anything feels remotely pester-like. It’s not romantic, it’s wearing you down behind rose coloured glasses. Be smart and safe, submissives are badasses. Never devalue that, for your benefit and the rest of us ❤️ Yep, I had a feeling that I'm again in a f... sub frenzy, I'm just absolutely shocked that this has seriously happened again! Ridiculous! And thank you, this is exactly what kept not sitting right with me. The whole, discussing concrete situations, starting to request things before I've met the person and after me saying that this is one of my limits. I needed to read this, it sound so silly, but I couldn't see the forest anymore for all the trees. Hey, thank you, seriously, this was important!
Deleted Member Posted March 13, 2023 Author Posted March 13, 2023 10 minutes ago, Perveropotente said: Your opinion you have a right to. Just like me. If she can't make up her mind because she is asking here obviously he is still in her head somehow. For me, cut the contact entirely or continue. Chatting away online won't sort it out unless he is exhibiting really weird shit. But she should know that by now. If not, public place is as good as ever. And that also of course applies to "normal" dates. You think normal dating does not require time, patience and trust? Of course it does. Regardless it's vanilla relationship or BDSM type of intimacy, one side can hurt the other other. Regardless the labelling what that is. God yes, he is in my head, and not just somehow. The question is why he is in there and how he got in there. And thanks to all these amazing and actually super helpful comments, I'm starting to understand why, and that's not the way I want it to go. I think you all underestimate how annoyingly naive some women (and very unfortunately I STILL have to include myself, even after I thought I had learned a lot) are. Why that is so, I don't know, perhaps society, perhaps upbringing, god knows, perhaps stupidity. I can't tell you. It just sucks.
Deleted Member Posted March 13, 2023 Author Posted March 13, 2023 3 hours ago, BruiseWayne said: Hey if you keep asking him not to do sex talk but he does it anyway that's kind of a red flag. Once or twice maybe can be forgivable, but if you clearly state that you'd rather put that on hold for a bit and he just keeps on steamrolling you that doesn't bode well. Speaking as a Dom I know we want what we want and aren't afraid to be a little aggressive and convincing about it, but that should never happen at the expense of the other persons' wishes, wants, comfort, or consent. So just on the surface here without any other context or info to go off of this sounds like a big red flag to me. Also, beyond that, and I'm guilty of this too, but people in general need to really stop getting all starry eyed over someone who's good at putting you all up in your feels because the ones who are looking to take advantage of you and do awful things know how effective a tactic making someone ( especially a submissive ) feel a certain way can be to priming them for exploitation and ***. I mean c'mon, we've ALL heard someone talking about someone who's CLEARLY abusing them say 'but you don't know how they make me feel.' as a justification for the person doing it and for themselves allowing it to continue... Not victim blaming of course, JSin. It happens ALL the time. Point being is don't put so much emphasis on how someone makes you feel... Such a good point as well. I definitely got lost in the feelings there. I love these feelings, that's why I'm on here and in this game, but I feel like this has gotten out of hand so quickly. Again, just a bit shocked and disappointed with myself.
Deleted Member Posted March 13, 2023 Author Posted March 13, 2023 3 hours ago, Aranhis said: A reality check, eh? Okay, here goes. You've highlighted the issue yourself, but as you also seem to be aware you aren't in a position to see it. You've asked him - not just once, but repeatedly it seems - to shift down gears. He has, in every instance it appears, ignored this simple, basic, respectful request. If he won't listen to you now over something like this, what makes you think he will listen to you about larger issues? If you're engaged in play together and you tell him to slow down or outright stop/safeword, what makes you think he will suddenly start respecting your boundaries then? The precedent has already been set. If we are to be optimistic and give him the absolute benefit of the doubt, maybe he is just so taken by you that he doesn't mean to push you/roll over your boundaries and cannot help himself. But that is a reason not an excuse, and in any case the lack of self-discipline and control from a potential Dom would be - is - another red flag in itself. From a cursory mull over the information you've provided, I would say what you've probably got here is a chap who knows he has a silver tongue and also knows he's got you on the hook. One of those types who is out for what they can get for themselves and will say anything to get it before moving onto their next target (if indeed he only preys on one potential at a time), rather than a partner who will support the needs and growth of somebody he is intimate with. In any instance you absolutely HAVE to be strong here. Put your foot down, draw the line, insist he doesn't cross it. If he does, you'll know exactly what he thinks of you. Then it'll be up to you to decide - are you prepared to be used just so you can live in a dream bubble for a few fleeting moments? 3 hours ago, DanTienDomD said: I think he may also just be fulling a role that he thinks and sees that you want. Please consider taking ownership for the fact that your profile doesn't read 'fainthearted' And in your post im wondering what the real question is here? Whether he is pushing or forcing, or whether its okay for you to want it, ir to want it much faster than you originally thought might be okay. As all the good people say, if you want it slower, its your absolute right, ask for it and if it doesn't happen, red flag. If you want it faster than you originally thought, regroup, get some strands that you can use to ground yourself, and then try flying. Hey why not. If you talk like a big dog and walk like a big dog and get collared like a big dog, and then emerge as a puppy, it xouod get messy all around and not be anybody's fault. Damn, soverignity can be a *** some time. I read married on your profile too, but didn't look at the detail of how that plays out. Please be careful. See this is it. I've looked into the role I've played here as well. And yes, I've gone along with some things, because it felt good. I can fully take responsibility for this part and as someone else has said, I really should have stated my boundaries with a lot more clarity. I did ask myself, did I come across as playing along when I said again and again that I won't answer certain things before we meet and then somehow ended up answering them. It's absurd! It just happened, I can't even explain it. But what I can not leave uncommented is the profile. I was careful to make clear that I am looking for something that develops step by step. Clearly. More than once. What else can I do? Okay, just answered my own question. Not go along with it, when someone goes against this..
SophieSubSlut11 Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 13 minutes ago, SilverSideUp said: Yep, I had a feeling that I'm again in a f... sub frenzy, I'm just absolutely shocked that this has seriously happened again! Ridiculous! And thank you, this is exactly what kept not sitting right with me. The whole, discussing concrete situations, starting to request things before I've met the person and after me saying that this is one of my limits. I needed to read this, it sound so silly, but I couldn't see the forest anymore for all the trees. Hey, thank you, seriously, this was important! You are very welcome, feel free to message any time if you ever have any questions. I’ll do my best x
Deleted Member Posted March 13, 2023 Author Posted March 13, 2023 You should not be disappointed with yourself. Feelings are very strong things and can can impair your judgement. You should be disappointed in him, not yourself x
SophieSubSlut11 Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Perveropotente said: Your opinion you have a right to. Just like me. If she can't make up her mind because she is asking here obviously he is still in her head somehow. For me, cut the contact entirely or continue. Chatting away online won't sort it out unless he is exhibiting really weird shit. But she should know that by now. If not, public place is as good as ever. And that also of course applies to "normal" dates. You think normal dating does not require time, patience and trust? Of course it does. Regardless it's vanilla relationship or BDSM type of intimacy, one side can hurt the other other. Regardless the labelling what that is. Like you said, various opinions, thankfully she has many more to consider than just yours. Of course patience & trust applies to vanilla relationships, I can’t see where I’ve written that… oh yeah, I didn’t. But it pails in comparison to what is needed for a Ds dynamic, speaking from actual experience. Edited March 13, 2023 by SophieSubSlut11
Da**** Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 Thank you for sharing your thinking and inner self so transparently. It helps us to all learn, and to be more sensitivr to what it's like to be human.
SophieSubSlut11 Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 1 minute ago, DanTienDomD said: Thank you for sharing your thinking and inner self so transparently. It helps us to all learn, and to be more sensitivr to what it's like to be human. Massively agree with this. It takes a lot of courage to be this public and *** and really does serve the benefit of lots of other people too🙏
BruiseWayne Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 2 minutes ago, SilverSideUp said: Such a good point as well..... ..I love these feelings, that's why I'm on here and in this game TY. Unfortunately manipulative shitty people know this ALL too well and they spend their lives getting good at charming folks and filling them up with all the feelings they're craving because they know it makes them easier to exploit and take advantage of when they're in that enamored state. These types are attracted to kink when they find out how eager some subs are to find someone they can be completely consumed by and worship, which is kind of rare and hard to get from most people. I've become very wary of people who are too charming. They almost always windup being an awful terrible person, lol.
Deleted Member Posted March 13, 2023 Author Posted March 13, 2023 As a lot of people have already said, for me this is a red flag. You've asked him to slow down a few times and set your pre-meet boundaries, but he is simply ignoring them. Any Dom worth is salt would never do that. Good luck and take care.
Perveropotente Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 41 minutes ago, SophieSubSlut11 said: Like you said, various opinions, thankfully she has many more to consider than just yours. Of course patience & trust applies to vanilla relationships, I can’t see where I’ve written that… oh yeah, I didn’t. But it pails in comparison to what is needed for a Ds dynamic, speaking from actual experience. Of course. But what choice does she have? I don't judge others' opinions. I'm a man so it's a bit different for me. I never felt at risk dating opposite sex. I know there is a lot predators on dating sites, especially here, pretending to know everything about climate just to use some naive girl and hurt her. But if she is looking for an advice or help it should be sharp and abrupt. Do it or leave it. Otherwise she will be fighting with herself and exposed to his influence (if it's toxic, the longer it takes the worse for her). You don't have to be sarcastic. You didn't bring anything valuable to the discussion but being judgemental. You have nothing to say to her, remain silcent. Don't speak to me, I'm just taking part in a discussion. You should talk to her instead of judging other participants. It's very childish and low. Peace.
Perveropotente Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 58 minutes ago, SilverSideUp said: God yes, he is in my head, and not just somehow. The question is why he is in there and how he got in there. And thanks to all these amazing and actually super helpful comments, I'm starting to understand why, and that's not the way I want it to go. I think you all underestimate how annoyingly naive some women (and very unfortunately I STILL have to include myself, even after I thought I had learned a lot) are. Why that is so, I don't know, perhaps society, perhaps upbringing, god knows, perhaps stupidity. I can't tell you. It just sucks. You need to think of your safety first. If your gut says something is not right, leave it. There is plenty of great guys and chicks out there. I'm sure you would find someone worth your time. If you don't want to meet him, just don't, block him and forget. Don't risk if you feel it make make you *** and you don't feel comfortable with it. Safety first! Maybe he just talks to you in a specific way. Maybe he knows how to speak to you and dog deeper into your desires to make it more allure and interesting. And if you're after that, it's easy to fall into. But, even if, you need to remember, even if you are submissive, it's because you want to be not because you have no choice.
Perveropotente Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 Just now, Perveropotente said: You need to think of your safety first. If your gut says something is not right, leave it. There is plenty of great guys and chicks out there. I'm sure you would find someone worth your time. If you don't want to meet him, just don't, block him and forget. Don't risk if you feel it make make you *** and you don't feel comfortable with it. Safety first! Maybe he just talks to you in a specific way. Maybe he knows how to speak to you and dog deeper into your desires to make it more allure and interesting. And if you're after that, it's easy to fall into. But, even if, you need to remember, even if you are submissive, it's because you want to be not because you have no choice. You may just need something that he may be pretending he can offer you. Or he is quite good at reading people and using it for his own agenda. It's like love in highschool. First time ..not the smartest one. Sometimes heart and desires top your logical thinking. I know that well. Like most of us I think.
Perveropotente Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 5 hours ago, SilverSideUp said: I seriously need a reality check here. I'm chatting with a very charming Dom who has managed to get into my head in a very short time. I keep asking him to slow down, but then he sweeps me away again and gets me to imagine things. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this or engage in more explicit conversations before I've met him, but it seems difficult. I think about him a lot and one massive part of me wants to meet him and another part is wondering if I'm just not seeing the - as you guys tend to call it here - red flags. Help, please! You also need to answer yourself one question ..do you like the images he is pushing into your head or is it a huge Nono? If it's a Nono, cut it. Block him, stop talking. Cause it's *** of your right to say no. I know there is a lot of philosophers here or people will give you forays because you are a woman without being objective but it's simple. If you dont feel safe talking to him and you feel in your gut he may be too pushy in real life too-stop it and forget about him. If you like it-continue. I, personally, would be pissed off and tell that person to fu&# off. For me no or stop mean no and stop. Period.
CopperKnob Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 Frenzy is a bitch and yet you've had the foresight to recognise an issue (for you) something which is immensely difficult to do when hormones and the excitement is present. Not only that, but you've also reached out for guidance/advice from others which is a lot For me this isn't 'overthinking' or having a 'closed mind', your gut is shouting at you that something isn't right and frankly I don't beleive it is either. It's easy to get carried away online, away from real life, a little bit of escapism is nice now and again but, if this individual isn't respecting your wants/needs at this point, so early on whose to say they will when the stakes are higher? It's that that I would be asking/telling them and that I'd back off. Depending on their response would depend on how quickly I did so
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