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Posted

I seriously need a reality check here. I'm chatting with a very charming Dom who has managed to get into my head in a very short time. I keep asking him to slow down, but then he sweeps me away again and gets me to imagine things. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this or engage in more explicit conversations before I've met him, but it seems difficult. I think about him a lot and one massive part of me wants to meet him and another part is wondering if I'm just not seeing the - as you guys tend to call it here - red flags. Help, please! 

Posted
Run. He is already not respecting your boundaries over a simple ask from you. That means it can be much worse when it comes to exploring kink. Also it sounds like the beginning phase of love bombing (used by narcissistic people). No matter which way you look at it, run.
Posted (edited)

Hey if you keep asking him not to do sex talk but he does it anyway that's kind of a red flag. Once or twice maybe can be forgivable, but if you clearly state that you'd rather put that on hold for a bit and he just keeps on steamrolling you that doesn't bode well. Speaking as a Dom I know we want what we want and aren't afraid to be a little aggressive and convincing about it, but that should never happen at the expense of the other persons' wishes, wants, comfort, or consent. So just on the surface here without any other context or info to go off of this sounds like a big red flag to me.

Also, beyond that, and I'm guilty of this too, but people in general need to really stop getting all starry eyed over someone who's good at putting you all up in your feels because the ones who are looking to take advantage of you and do awful things know how effective a tactic making someone ( especially a submissive ) feel a certain way can be to priming them for exploitation and ***.

I mean c'mon, we've ALL heard someone talking about someone who's CLEARLY abusing them say 'but you don't know how they make me feel.' as a justification for the person doing it and for themselves allowing it to continue...

Not victim blaming of course, JSin. It happens ALL the time.

 

Point being is don't put so much emphasis on how someone makes you feel...

Edited by BruiseWayne
words. :P
Posted
RED FLAG!!!!
Here is the struggle that "Doms" don't get They may have a title of Dom (usually self given), but they are not actually in the power role. They are in charge, but you as the sub allow for everything to happen. "Doms" have no power unless you give them permission.
Posted

A reality check, eh? Okay, here goes.

You've highlighted the issue yourself, but as you also seem to be aware you aren't in a position to see it.

You've asked him - not just once, but repeatedly it seems - to shift down gears.

He has, in every instance it appears, ignored this simple, basic, respectful request.

If he won't listen to you now over something like this, what makes you think he will listen to you about larger issues? If you're engaged in play together and you tell him to slow down or outright stop/safeword, what makes you think he will suddenly start respecting your boundaries then? The precedent has already been set.

If we are to be optimistic and give him the absolute benefit of the doubt, maybe he is just so taken by you that he doesn't mean to push you/roll over your boundaries and cannot help himself. But that is a reason not an excuse, and in any case the lack of self-discipline and control from a potential Dom would be - is - another red flag in itself.

From a cursory mull over the information you've provided, I would say what you've probably got here is a chap who knows he has a silver tongue and also knows he's got you on the hook. One of those types who is out for what they can get for themselves and will say anything to get it before moving onto their next target (if indeed he only preys on one potential at a time), rather than a partner who will support the needs and growth of somebody he is intimate with.

In any instance you absolutely HAVE to be strong here. Put your foot down, draw the line, insist he doesn't cross it. If he does, you'll know exactly what he thinks of you. Then it'll be up to you to decide - are you prepared to be used just so you can live in a dream bubble for a few fleeting moments?

Posted
1 minute ago, WillGreen said:

Here is the struggle that "Doms" don't get They may have a title of Dom (usually self given), but they are not actually in the power role. They are in charge, but you as the sub allow for everything to happen. "Doms" have no power unless you give them permission.

This comes down to specific individuals just being not very good people to begin with honestly. Even when I was new I would never think to actually legitimately disrespect someone's boundaries and their wishes outside of the dynamic where they've already given me the go ahead to do that type of shit.

 

A lot of it IMHO comes down to how men in society are expected to pursue women aggressively and be successful in dating and fucking or they're seen as losers and undesirable. These 'Doms' unrealistically think kink is a free lunch buffet and they can just run wild over every female submissive without the usual resistance they'd get from any woman with a decent enough head on their shoulders simple because, like you said, they call themselves a Dom.

 

I know I say this a lot but unfortunately really shitty people just happen to be kinky too. :P

Posted
1 minute ago, Aranhis said:

A reality check, eh? Okay, here goes.

You've highlighted the issue yourself, but as you also seem to be aware you aren't in a position to see it.

You've asked him - not just once, but repeatedly it seems - to shift down gears.

He has, in every instance it appears, ignored this simple, basic, respectful request.

If he won't listen to you now over something like this, what makes you think he will listen to you about larger issues? If you're engaged in play together and you tell him to slow down or outright stop/safeword, what makes you think he will suddenly start respecting your boundaries then? The precedent has already been set.

If we are to be optimistic and give him the absolute benefit of the doubt, maybe he is just so taken by you that he doesn't mean to push you/roll over your boundaries and cannot help himself. But that is a reason not an excuse, and in any case the lack of self-discipline and control from a potential Dom would be - is - another red flag in itself.

From a cursory mull over the information you've provided, I would say what you've probably got here is a chap who knows he has a silver tongue and also knows he's got you on the hook. One of those types who is out for what they can get for themselves and will say anything to get it before moving onto their next target (if indeed he only preys on one potential at a time), rather than a partner who will support the needs and growth of somebody he is intimate with.

In any instance you absolutely HAVE to be strong here. Put your foot down, draw the line, insist he doesn't cross it. If he does, you'll know exactly what he thinks of you. Then it'll be up to you to decide - are you prepared to be used just so you can live in a dream bubble for a few fleeting moments?

This 💯

Posted
10 minutes ago, WillGreen said:
RED FLAG!!!!
Here is the struggle that "Doms" don't get They may have a title of Dom (usually self given), but they are not actually in the power role. They are in charge, but you as the sub allow for everything to happen. "Doms" have no power unless you give them permission.

Very true and it fucks it up for the rest of us not to mention the negative effect and space it leaves a sub. Dom is and sub roles are ying and Yang

Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

..But that is a reason not an excuse..

Well said. This is a very important distinction here because even if the person's intentions aren't to be malicious it doesn't matter if the end result is still you being put in a position where something bad happens to you anyway.

Edited by BruiseWayne
Posted
Are you enjoying it?
If so .... Open the closed mind, the one thats told you how you want it to be, and just go with it.
Perveropotente
Posted
Stop overthinking. Go for a coffee and check him out face to face. Easiest way.
Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Perveropotente said:

Stop overthinking. Go for a coffee and check him out face to face. Easiest way.

This is not her overthinking. This is a VERY clear sign of things to come. She's right to be concerned about this kind of behavior, and she's right to listen to that little voice in her head telling her something's off with this guy. :P

Edited by BruiseWayne
Posted
It’s not the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen, but he’s not respecting your limits. Maybe as far as he’s concerned, merely being “asked to slow down” is not sufficient and you need to be clearer about your boundaries. Or maybe you’re still deciding where your own boundaries will be. If the promise you made was only to yourself and you’re allowing your boundaries to be pushed, the question is whether you’re okay with that. If not, say so. If he still continues, he’s not being a good Dom and yes, there’s your red flag. I hope you’re okay.
Posted
5 minutes ago, Chilled321 said:

Are you enjoying it?
If so .... Open the closed mind, the one thats told you how you want it to be, and just go with it.

🤦🤦🤦

 

No... Just fucking no.

 

This is a huge red flag not a YOLO. :P

Posted
Good Dom sub relationship still has agreed boundaries, before you have even met he is not respecting them.
Lord_Talion
Posted
Sounds like he's forcing you to think too far ahead prior to a first meet. Red Flag. While not adhering to your boundaries of speed of said online relations. Red Flag. By your testimony of these basic facts you're completely blindsided. Stop, take a breath. Before you respond to anything else he sends, go back over and reread the messages. Check for the flow of the conversation, see where you mightve been misdirected
Posted
9 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

It’s not the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen

You're not wrong, but if he just keeps on bowling her over and not listening to her trying to set boundaries it's a really really bad sign of things to come. Especially in the beginning stages of a relationship where everyone is usually on their best behavior.

Posted
I think he may also just be fulling a role that he thinks and sees that you want. Please consider taking ownership for the fact that your profile doesn't read 'fainthearted'

And in your post im wondering what the real question is here? Whether he is pushing or forcing, or whether its okay for you to want it, ir to want it much faster than you originally thought might be okay.

As all the good people say, if you want it slower, its your absolute right, ask for it and if it doesn't happen, red flag.

If you want it faster than you originally thought, regroup, get some strands that you can use to ground yourself, and then try flying. Hey why not.

If you talk like a big dog and walk like a big dog and get collared like a big dog, and then emerge as a puppy, it xouod get messy all around and not be anybody's fault.

Damn, soverignity can be a *** some time. I read married on your profile too, but didn't look at the detail of how that plays out.

Please be careful.
Posted
SafeWord it and tell him you need to have a conversation if he doesn’t want to listen and continues. Then see their reaction and what happens from there ,set your boundaries. Have a conversation and evaluate the situation from there and ask them how they are feeling about it , and get their side . Make sure they are on the same page and that the communication isn’t lost. But always trust your gut .
Posted
Charming is a common trait of manipulative; not saying that your gentleman is, but something to keep in mind.

I will also note that dominants also push soft limits, so if you were not clear in your conviction (hard limit) of keeping things slow, some pushing is somewhat understandable.

Although this is the type of thing that should occur once you are in a relationship/dynamic I would think.

So I am apt to agree with the masses and agree with others, he is not RESPECTING the boundaries (limits) that you set. I feel a good relationship and/or dynamic is built on mutual respect. If he is not respecting you, he should not earn your respect.

Communication is also key in a strong relationship. I would suggest opening a conversation with him and being clear about your expectations and concerns. Let him know that if he does not respect your concerns (hard limits) he will not earn your respect.
SophieSubSlut11
Posted (edited)

Any responsible Dom will be encouraging you to take time to get to know each other as humans first. The reality check here should be - attention from a person behind the screen is just that. It’s all smoke and mirrors until you build rapport and trust and friendship - wayyyyy before ever discussing dynamics etc. the rabbit hole / sub frenzy is a very real thing. Has he warned you off that? Have you learned the distinction between bdsm and sex yet? While it’s good to let other peoples behaviour show you who they are VS they’re words, you have a responsibility in this too. What research have you done? What boundaries have you put in place? What are your safety measures and limits? Keep getting to know him as a human. Have a phone call. Have a video call. Have another one. Swing by the lobby with him and see how he fairs against other experienced kinksters. Then maybe grab a coffee one day. If anything feels remotely pester-like. It’s not romantic, it’s wearing you down behind rose coloured glasses. Be smart and safe, submissives are badasses. Never devalue that, for your benefit and the rest of us ❤️

Edited by SophieSubSlut11
Typo
SophieSubSlut11
Posted

Limits are only pushed when in dynamics and they are pre discussed. Anyone who just pushes a limit behind the guise of ‘that’s what Dom’s do’ are talking shit

Perveropotente
Posted
2 hours ago, BruiseWayne said:

This is not her overthinking. This is a VERY clear sign of things to come. She's right to be concerned about this kind of behavior, and she's right to listen to that little voice in her head telling her something's off with this guy. :P

Maybe. If she is not sure, stop talking to him. If she continues, means she is interested. Easiest way-meet him, see how he is, how he talks, how he treats her. Coffee shop or something. That's simple for me. I don't like complicating simple things. Staying online may take forever and in a month or two months time she will be in the same place. That would be a waste of her time and energy. 

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