"I could change you" Dominant attitude

[Nocturne]

Technically, I'm a switch, but in accordance with my experiences, I've only ever dominated, and for now am not interested in trying out submission. Some people don't understand this, so to keep things simple I tend to not bring up that I'm actually a switch and not just a Dom, but regardless of what I do or do not say, some fellow Dom acquaintances have this compulsion to try to dominate me regardless of my preferences, telling me that they could change my mind and *** me into submission, and that they would make me enjoy it. Bold words for people who apparently don't even know my preferences, despite me talking about them openly in these groups.

What is it about "converting" someone who is generally a Dom into submission that is so appealing to some people? Personally, when people approach me in this manner, it makes them seem insecure to me, like they need to prove exactly how dominant they are and that they are dominant enough to dominate another Dom. There's something very condescending about approaching someone who strictly dominates and calling them a brat, which makes me wonder what legitimately drives this narrative; is it legitimately some sort of validation that they need from themselves to prove their dominance, or are there other factors at play that I haven't considered? Is such a person simply unable to deal with the fact that they're attracted to someone they know isn't submissive, so they feel the urge to 'fix' the situation?

I hold no ill will against the acquaintances/friends of mine who despite knowing my preferences approached me in this manner, but for me it begs the question, what motivates that kind of behaviour? I try not to judge, but when people speak to me in this manner, not judging becomes difficult, to be frank. But I choose to let that feeling subside and try to view it from their perspective, no disrespect was intended, so I wonder what you all think.

Fellow Doms, have you had similar experiences? From which side, and what was it like? How did you act in such a situation and why? And to everyone, what do you think motivates this kind of attitude. Looking forward to possibly hearing thoughts of others on the matter, have a good day/evening and thank you for reading. 

[do****]

Great question. I use to have this ignorant way of thinking because that's just what it is. The same goes for thinking you can turn a gay/lesbian straight. The quest for the forbidden fruit. Instant gratification. I want what I cannot have. That's what leads the action and the thinking. Then I had to self assess. Use empathy. How would I feel if a gay man said he can turn me gay. Or a sub saying they are going to make me a sub. That's disrespectful of my way of life. In return how can I disrespect someone else's way of life or be naive to think I can change something that is naturally them. So it's on the individual whether or not they want to evolve and live harmoniously with the rest of society or continue to keep that stinking thinking.

[BruiseWayne]

As a male Dom with very little if any sub leaning tendencies I've experienced quite a bit of this before... Switchy women thinking it's cute or w/e to suggest I sub to them, or thinking they can 'flip' me or some such nonsense. Sure, if we're only joking around it's funny and I take it in stride, but there've been more than a few who were serious about it and it really puts me off too. Some subs have made me feel awkward by insisting I should try it or acting like it's crazy that I don't want to or never about it as well.

 

I get the occasional message/spank from gay or bi dudes too. It's the same thing. People want what they can't have sometimes. Or they just enjoy convincing others to do what they want.

 

Which sure I can understand that urge obviously, heh, but not when there's NO indication they would have any desire to do so.

 

Kinda cringe if you ask me..

Edited April 20, 2023 by BruiseWayne

[Deleted Member]

I am a switch leaning Domme. I will admit I prefer to Domme Dom's but my motivation isn't ego or power. After listening to many Doms' experiences, there is an unspoken connection I associate with them. I see my role and preference as a gift of humility to provide that safe space and vulnerability. But it will never be ***d, only offered if interested....and truthfully as a woman...I kinda feel the same way/loath when others want me to submit to them (especially when they know I prefer Domming). 😒 gah!

[De****]

Sounds to me like the Doms you're referring to are don't respect boundaries.... Not a great trait 😬.... Hope they're not like that with their subs🤞

[Nocturne]

5 hours ago, doubletrouble129 said:

Great question. I use to have this ignorant way of thinking because that's just what it is. The same goes for thinking you can turn a gay/lesbian straight. The quest for the forbidden fruit. Instant gratification. I want what I cannot have. That's what leads the action and the thinking. Then I had to self assess. Use empathy. How would I feel if a gay man said he can turn me gay. Or a sub saying they are going to make me a sub. That's disrespectful of my way of life. In return how can I disrespect someone else's way of life or be naive to think I can change something that is naturally them. So it's on the individual whether or not they want to evolve and live harmoniously with the rest of society or continue to keep that stinking thinking.

Yes indeed, maybe some difficulty being attracted to someone who isn't attracted to your archetypes, whether by gender or role in BDSM, trying not to lose their chance in any way they can find acceptable for themselves, not considering how they'd feel in the others' shoes. Thank you for giving your input.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Nocturne

[Nocturne]

2 hours ago, BruiseWayne said:

As a male Dom with very little if any sub leaning tendencies I've experienced quite a bit of this before... Switchy women thinking it's cute or w/e to suggest I sub to them, or thinking they can 'flip' me or some such nonsense. Sure, if we're only joking around it's funny and I take it in stride, but there've been more than a few who were serious about it and it really puts me off too. Some subs have made me feel awkward by insisting I should try it or acting like it's crazy that I don't want to or never about it as well.

 

I get the occasional message/spank from gay or bi dudes too. It's the same thing. People want what they can't have sometimes. Or they just enjoy convincing others to do what they want.

 

Which sure I can understand that urge obviously, heh, but not when there's NO indication they would have any desire to do so.

 

Kinda cringe if you ask me..

Ai,  very relatable yes, some people want to convince another that that person does want them, I suppose. Definitely cringeworthy, immature behaviour. Thank you for sharing!

[Nocturne]

2 hours ago, Sw33tGirl247 said:

I am a switch leaning Domme. I will admit I prefer to Domme Dom's but my motivation isn't ego or power. After listening to many Doms' experiences, there is an unspoken connection I associate with them. I see my role and preference as a gift of humility to provide that safe space and vulnerability. But it will never be ***d, only offered if interested....and truthfully as a woman...I kinda feel the same way/loath when others want me to submit to them (especially when they know I prefer Domming). 😒 gah!

That does make sense, yes. If one of these people had approached me in a different manner, maybe I would have considered trying the things they suggested out, if they had shown humility as you said. Frustrating when people can't understand this. 

If they had told me that they realise I'm a dom, but that they would like to help me explore submission if I become interested, I would not have felt disrespected. Even better, to me at least, if they had told me they are themselves curious about trying out submitting and that somehow they found me to be a good candidate for doing so, I would have felt compelled to completely hear them out. What really gets me with the unpleasant behaviour of some Doms towards other Doms is the conviction that they are better in some way, and that they have more knowledge than the other Dom themselves on what would be pleasureful for them. The idea that they know how to please the other, without having asked or paid any attention to it. 

I'm glad to have heard your thoughts on this, thank you.

[Do****]

Maybe take switch off your profile, then you wont pop up when people search for subs and switches. Not that I want to convert you. Much prefer a sub who wants to be a sub.

[Nocturne]

1 hour ago, eoinexploring said:

Sounds to me like the Doms you're referring to are don't respect boundaries.... Not a great trait 😬.... Hope they're not like that with their subs🤞

Agreed, one can only hope... 

[Nocturne]

Just now, DommeDelight said:

Maybe take switch off your profile, then you wont pop up when people search for subs and switches. Not that I want to convert you. Much prefer a sub who wants to be a sub.

Fair enough! I'll do that, although on here I've not had this type of experience, both of these people were people I've spoken to in regards to kink, but not met through the BDSM community.

Thanks for the suggestion!

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Nocturne said:

That does make sense, yes. If one of these people had approached me in a different manner, maybe I would have considered trying the things they suggested out, if they had shown humility as you said. Frustrating when people can't understand this. 

If they had told me that they realise I'm a dom, but that they would like to help me explore submission if I become interested, I would not have felt disrespected. Even better, to me at least, if they had told me they are themselves curious about trying out submitting and that somehow they found me to be a good candidate for doing so, I would have felt compelled to completely hear them out. What really gets me with the unpleasant behaviour of some Doms towards other Doms is the conviction that they are better in some way, and that they have more knowledge than the other Dom themselves on what would be pleasureful for them. The idea that they know how to please the other, without having asked or paid any attention to it. 

I'm glad to have heard your thoughts on this, thank you.

I think that's part of learning. We can't respect boundaries if they're not discussed first. I agree about the unpleasant behavior. I've had Doms lash out at me for trying to contribute/learn as well. 2 sided coin I guess. I think I wrote 2 sentences in a community board and a Dom responded with 4 paragraphs of assumptions and accusations. I no longer speak to him because of how he treated me; which is sad bc he was very knowledgeable. I think that's why discussions like these are important. We come from different backgrounds and intentions. TBH having this discussion is encouraging me to answer my DM violaters a bit differently. So thanks for the post. ☺️

[Nocturne]

10 minutes ago, Sw33tGirl247 said:

I think that's part of learning. We can't respect boundaries if they're not discussed first. I agree about the unpleasant behavior. I've had Doms lash out at me for trying to contribute/learn as well. 2 sided coin I guess. I think I wrote 2 sentences in a community board and a Dom responded with 4 paragraphs of assumptions and accusations. I no longer speak to him because of how he treated me; which is sad bc he was very knowledgeable. I think that's why discussions like these are important. We come from different backgrounds and intentions. TBH having this discussion is encouraging me to answer my DM violaters a bit differently. So thanks for the post. ☺️

Definitely, that's why I try to always figure them out beforehand, ask questions about what is and isn't wanted by any individual I might engage with.

That sounds like a frustrating situation, yes. It's good that there's a space like this to talk about it all openly.

You're welcome, and thank you for responding and contributing to the discussion!

[Deleted Member]

I don't do that, or even think about it. Few tried on me with other things. Flat out said "NO, not me... find another person"!

[earthyangel]

it reminds me those men that think, that they can change lesbian because they are so good. it also remind me those women that think that after you will be with them, you will change your opinion, and the fact that you said that you don't want marriage, is not relevant.

people sometimes stuck in the image that they hold, and they tend to ignore what the other person is saying out loud and in very clear way. its very common. and also very common among dominating people. 

the simple truth is that no one can change you, but yourself. if you want something, you will have the motivation and that is the only way a change can hold. and if I will take it to the BDSM would.. ***d changes doesn't last if the other person doesn't want the change. you can *** someone to do changes, yet that person will return to his own habits and the things that work for him best. 

as a therapist I can tell you. if there is even 1% of inner doubt in a person about the change. it will not last. for change to last and be permanent the person need to find his own motivation. so those that think they can change you, suffer from some degree of ego and maybe ignorance about the human nature.

[Undersated]

I haven't been on this site for long enough to see the scammers come out of the woodwork. On an alt.ernative site, though, I got messages all the time from alleged women who were alleged dominants, addressing me as "slave" without consent and inviting me to view their shopping lists.

I'd generally reply along the lines of, "Any domme who does not read profiles, isn't worthy of being served. Bye." And report and block.

These cases aren't quite the same as the OPs. They're fake findomme scammers looking for piggies. It's one level of answer though: some people don't care what your profile says, don't even read it, they just come at you playing a "numbers game." Try 100 times and someone will bite. If you get banned, just make another fake profile.

You did ask, though:

> What is it about "converting" someone who is generally a Dom into submission that is so appealing to some people?

Gonna have to say it's the misguided "alpha" thing. I know that's inviting a flame war because part of that identification is not being able to back down from a fight. The part I'm calling out is, these doms - probably male - can't countenance the idea that any woman would be as dominant or more dominant than they are. Their identity depends on them being alpha, being first. And the narc part of their ego is looking for food.

Red flag. Zero stars. Do not recommend.