Confusion

[Sp****]

So why is it so hard for someone to let go I was friends with a woman for over 20 years tried to date years ago. We finally ended up together when I got her to realize she didn't need her abusive ex husband . We got together 6 months in mind you knowing her for 20 years before this being in each other's lives we moved in together . Her best female friend was constantly trying to put things in both our heads which caused tension cuz my ex listened to her best friend . Even though I was very good to her I work I cleaned I cooked . Did things with my child and her children every single day wether it was bike rides trips to the playground getting them wet with buckets of water . I met all her needs sexually and cuz she let someone plant seeds of doubt in her head... Her friend always said if you and Tom split I'll move in with whoever stays here mind you I didn't want her best friend around cuz I knew she was trouble and so did my ex. I cannot let go she was the first person to never cheat or *** me . It's like my heart got left with her along with my sex drive . Where do I turn ? Advice welcome no hate please going through a rough time . She constantly says about fixing things and all but is very distant and said she just doesn't know how to express her missing someone cuz I'm the first man she has ever missed

[Dy****]

It sounds like you developed a co-dependency with a person who signaled repeatedly they weren't going to be available to you. First, she was willing to accept an abusive husband, while at the same time entertaining your advances.

Then, when she tried things out with you, she willingly allowed a "friend" who she has her own co-dependency issues with to then interfere with the budding relationship, which you say was great from your perspective.

If what you say is accurate, you'll have to accept that your desire for this partner is misplaced, and that she is not going to reciprocate your effort.

There's any number of reasons this is going on, but it doesn't change that you need to do the work to move on. This is a toxic situation to be in and it is only going to damage you the more you dig in.

[JT****]

If her ex was abusive, she’s probably still in fight or flight. It’s very hard to get passed that. Be patient with her. Keep talking and letting her know you are there.

[Ma****]

Tell her that you guys need to cut the toxic friend out and if she wants to work on you twos relationship that's the first step. Outside Influences end more relationships than the partners themselves.

[jw****]

I can’t understand this. No punctuation, no paragraphs. Who did what? Who said what? Who’s not together? Her friend would stay with you? None of this is coherent. Sorry.

[ge****]

To be honest there's not enough detail in that to be able to offer specific advice, and even if there were it would be one side of the story only, so would still be difficult.
.
If, as you suggest, she wants to fix things, and you do too of course, then perhaps relationship counselling would be your best option, where a trained counsellor can get both sides of the story, probe and ask questions to clarify and then make suggestions from there.

[Deleted Member]

Hey, it's very difficult to get advice based on the structure and information provided.

One major regret I have in life is I met my "ideal" girl on paper, and we had relationship for a year. It soon became obvious that she had a lot of trust and other trauma due to her dad. I tried to to take it into account and it got worse and then I tried to push back and it got even worse and eventually so much water went under the bridge that it ruined the relationship.

My advice is get off FET for advice ring up a therapist and get your own feelings and logic sorted so you can either become supportive or be prepared if it doesn't work out.

[Mischief_Trucker]

I know the feeling going through the same thing myself

[Du****]

1 hour ago, kaykayluvsyou said:

Idk man but from what I read and understood u needa find better you a king bro don’t let no bitch make you feel like that get yo mind right BIG MOTION

Let’s not call women ‘bitches’. The kink community is better than that.

[Th****]

Therapy for everyone. 

Jumping straight from an abusive marriage of any sort but especially such a long one straight into living with the next person was not a good idea. She needs to heal and get sorted for her own well being. 

 

I'd advise you seek some counseling too if you're struggling so much. Then if you both want to try again seeing a therapist together would probably be a good idea. 

[Ki****]

You seem like a nice person, and you don’t deserve to be treated less than.  He’s an old saying that says if you love something let it go and if it doesn’t return, it was never yours and if it does, it’s yours to keep I hope things work out for you in a way that you are happy because that’s the meaning of life to be happy. This life is hard enough as it is is very important to love oneself first to.

[sl****]

Anyone who takes their relationship problems to outside opinions isn’t worth the time, unless the relationship is abusive different story. I’d rather a person who talks shit to my face and tells me my faults and addresses me first rather than someone who would talk shit behind me and let’s others judge the situation as well as me without even knowing the type of person I am

[Deleted Member]

Watch video of Craig Kenneth on YouTube you’ll understand a lot about attachment style and relationship.

[Gw****]

Walk on

[sh****]

If she was really the one she wouldn’t ever of left. Just block all social media and contact with her and let time pass by

[Deleted Member]

Just block her

[Ae****]

"I cannot let go"
You're co-dependent. This is obsession. Part of you is trying to be completed by this woman. And if she doesn't know how to tell you she misses you, she has her own issues.
This isn't "you". It's not clear minded adult you. It's a probably very young you, hurt, wishing for the unconditional love a caregiver should have given, and now, subconsciously in control, leading you to think you cannot let go and this is the only woman who will ever make you happy.
This will pass. Your libido will return. But before you go and find another woman to repeat this pattern with, get to the bottom of this codependency and free yourself from being a victim of that past.