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Ddlg - establishing dominance and laying down expectations in a new relationship


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How do you define each other's dominance and expectations in a new ddlg relationship
Couple of things here, what’s meant by “each other’s” dominance and expectations? Is it a switch dynamic or did you mean something else?
More to the point, that conversation should have been had BEFORE the relationship started. Needs, wants, requirements, expectations, etc., should be discussed before and while moving into the relationship space (the conversation never stops, but the initial stage of the relationship should be a strong foundation).
Rely heavily on the first two pillars, honesty (self-honest) and communication (communicating that self-honesty). If those two things are taken care of, everything else falls into place or a bad connection is found and both parties are protected from an ill-fated future
Good luck, hope this helped.
Honesty honesty… Last guy I dated I straight told hard limit was sharing I just can’t… find out later he is a cuck and non monogamous and was CONSTANTLY trying to get me to break my hard limits… so be sure everyone is being honest or it’s not gonna work and you can’t be mad if you lied and they can’t do what you want
gf don’t make good subs good subs don’t make good gf
I try and first determine if their submission is based in either service (they like to please/take care of/serve) vs they aren’t really submissive in a whips and chains or service way
but do crave an almost cnc approach - Daddy that does with them what they want, takes them because he can’t control his urges around his little one, or even being sexually broken to be forced to submit to Daddy)

Each mindset is very different in how I approach the rest of the Dominance Dynamic
3 hours ago, Vodolorptas said:
gf don’t make good subs good subs don’t make good gf

I’d love to hear why you believe this is.

I would argue the best way is extended and equal grounded conversation. Even in a slave/master or DD/LG style dynamic, at the end of the days both parties are equal in right and power. This dynamic can shift at any point along with each others preference, but each shift should be accompanied by a respectful and in-depth conversation. After all, if neither of you know the expectations of the other; how can either be expected to fulfill their role satisfactorily? Talk with your sub, and communicate with each other until a dynamic can be fully agreed upon by both of you. Otherwise, breakdowns in trust and communication are imminent. I wish you the best of luck negotiating!
10 hours ago, Vodolorptas said:
gf don’t make good subs good subs don’t make good gf

I am curious as to why you believe this, is it from experience? I am very curious to hear your perspective 🤔

Posted (edited)

Having a sort of contract is a good idea, not legally binding, but so you both understand what is happening.

Contracts are an integral part of any BDSM relationship, and DD/LG is no different. With the exchange of power present in these relationships, it’s often left up to the dominant partner to plan out how any scenes will go. That’s why it’s incredibly important for them to know exactly how far they can take any chosen activities. Negotiating a successful contract will give the Little the opportunity to lay out her personal ground rules, as well as giving her Caregiver a better idea of what they want to get out of the relationship.

Bring up and discuss your desires, needs and expectations.
Set down your goals, rules, rights, responsibilities and limits.
Know where you stand and what’s expected of you.

Safe Words/Signs - No matter what form your relationship is going to take, the safe words are the single most important thing that need to be worked out in advance. The safe word gives the Little a way out of any uncomfortable situation and a clear signal to the Caregiver that what is happening is not okay. The caregiver must give complete submission to the safe words, even if the Little can’t explain why they needed to stop an activity at the time.

Set phases for your relationship or training.
Review your progress and make changes to reflect your growth.

Responsibilities – what’s required of both parties (e.g. making sure the caregiver makes decisions with due care and in Littles best interests, ensuring that the little treats her caregiver with respect at all times. Will there be any chores or services required?).

Areas of Control – a checklist a little can go through to determine which aspects of their life they would like their caregiver to have authority over or what goals they would like help in achieving.

Pampering – a clause for providing rewards, with examples, for when the caregiver would like to pamper their little. Giving attention is always a nice treat.

Punishment or “Funishment” – even though the caregiver is given control, some littles like to be sassy and play around with this aspect. However, some partners prefer their little to be more obedient than cheeky. This is something to discuss. Whatever your intention, you can select from all the available punishments in the contract.

Activities, hard and soft limits – if your dynamic involves kinky scenes, the document contains a checklist where you may stipulate kinks you love, those which you’re unsure about and your boundaries.

A very useful tool for opening up conversations is sexionnaire*

Both of you fill out the questionnaire and it will only show you the things you match on.

After the basics are covered, there are many different forms a contract can take. For some couples, it’s important to lay out the expected roles and goals of each partner, and how they will interact with each other. This can take the form of a duty or to-do list, or a rough guide to what you expect from one another. Other couples may prefer to build a comprehensive list of preferences, rating each potential activity on a scale or outright removing them. Once the Caregiver has an idea of the Little’s preferences, they can plan out their interactions in a more spontaneous way but still be safe in the knowledge that they aren’t crossing any lines.

Different Levels of Sexual Interaction: None at all, light petting, light sexual activity, oral only, full sexual activity, etc.
Some kinks are much more applicable to DD/LG relationships than others, but at the end of the day, your contract is what you make of it. If there’s ever been something you were interested in exploring, then making a note of it means that it can be discussed and if both parties are happy to explore in the future.

Edited by FETMOD-TF
*External link removed

what do you expect?  

to be honest, in a lot of ways it's best to let relationships flow naturally and take every day as it comes, rather than trying to force in a system based on an ideology that doesn't necessarily work for you both

communication about each others wants and expectations should be an ongoing thing

The same way you do in any relationship. Clear communication. Don’t just assume someone else will feel the way you do, ask them.
Your gonna have to elaborate a bit more.
How does any Dom EARN submission?
How does any Dom set up Dominance?
Eachothers dominant implies switching to me.
At the end of the day it's all about communicating each other's wants and needs and establishing what things are gonna be part of you PE dynamic. From there you figure out and agree on those expectations.
  • 2 weeks later...

As a little, I enjoy rules. I do. I own that. I like knowing where the boundaries are. Sometimes I like the push them, but I'm usually poking the bear rather than breaking them. Lol 😁

But really rules, I like them. Even if it's something I give myself. I try to stick to most of my rules regardless of relationship because they help me. Personally I think the best rules are ones that help me be the best verison of myself. I think rules should be about helping set up the structure to meet my goals and excel in various aspects of life. And I want my caregivers/doms to be excited about being a part of it.

So what should punishment be? I like the punishment to be a task that helps me meet my goals better in the future. For example, if my rule is to complete my work tasks and I haven't. Then my punishment is going to be to complete work AND do something to address to lack of work. Do I need to be project planning better? Do I need more resources? Have I been picking my skin and I shouldn't? Affirmations in the mirror. Punishments should fit the crime.

Funishments however... that's different. You can have punishments AND funishments. I am a chronic pain chick and I enjoy the bdsm pain at times to enjoy that sweet release. Yes please spank me again. No it doesn't hurt. It's amazing. 💗 but... HOW does that help me keep to my rules.... well it doesn't actually as much as a punishment designed to do that. Make sense?

I'm a good girl. I'm trying to stick to them. So not is a frustration.

To be clear, I'm not saying there isn't a time and place to gag a brat or anything.

But that for me part of the enjoyment of the power exchange, is knowing my dom always has my best interests at heart. And part of how they show that is how they handle their rules, punishments, and funishments.
Being honest with a sub, having respect enough to communicate with them, not being demanding or overbearing at the jump of your relationship, being patient especially with newbies, being understanding and considerate.
Hmmm laying down dominance. So I wouldn't be laying down the law so to speak without first having thoroughly exhausted a conversation about kinks and limits to have vetted out the boundaries of the prospective dynamic or scene and gained consent. Any "rules" should be based on the needs of all parties and agreement of the rules, consequences, safe words, aftercare are all part of that conversation.
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