Help me out please

[cl****]

I'm trying to understand what my boyfriend wants. He says he wants submissive. But submissive doesn't mean what they definition means to him. He doesn't want a slave he said. So I'm here for help since he can't explain it to me. I would just appreciate any advice or possible situation that would help me understand.

[Sassy83]

Well a submissive doesn’t always necessarily mean a slave if you want to inbox me and I can try to give advice

[Deleted Member]

He is afraid of your complete submission. Start off slow and work with him. You’ll be his slave in no time

[Deleted Member]

When talking to my sub, I showed them different story types at different levels to see what she liked. Then she picked different parks that she really liked or didn't . It's a way to find your boyfriend's thought of being submissive.

[cl****]

I don’t know what he’s thinking. But yes a slave is a submissive for sure. That’s sort of the all in extreme sub. He might want more of the sexy free use server. Think of a traditional Asian servant girl. But try asking him to explain how you can better serve him. Suck his cock without his asking. 😉

[MJ_2023]

As a sub for 24 years I can say every Dom is different in style & taste in matters of what they like, I’ve been a total slave but that’s not for me, my last Dom wanted me to be ready at all times for any pleasure he wished, without hesitation when he asked, & with enthusiasm…if he was busy at the table doing work I would be under the table at his disposal & you kinda begin to know when you just approach & get on your knees & take matters into your own hands so to speak. I cooked & cleaned for him & on occasion I would bathe him & get him ready for bed. There is a learning curve & remember communication is the key to every part of it…usually a Dom will allow questions in the beginning while you’re learning his vibe…just be willing to be ready to do as he asks & eventually he won’t have to ask you’ll already know 👍🏻

[Ad8chd]

If he can’t explain what he wants, he might be the submissive.

[de****]

You can both fill one of the more detailed kink/bdsm lists and discuss it, by going through it in whole. It will give both of you a deeper perspective and will define what you require and your boundaries too, in a bit more specific way.

[jo****]

Talk with him about his fantasy, maybe watch some bdsm movies together. If neither of you communicate what they want then that might be a good way to doom the sexual part of your relationship. There are tons of ways tho to communicate and help you get insight in what you both like. A good one is too look at the bdsm test (not the one from this site). Fill it both in see what comes out od that. Go to a sex shop together and explore the toys and activities you want.

[ge****]

The only person that can truly explain his desires is him, and if he's unable to articulate that for you, I'd question whether he should really be seeking to dominate you until he can do so.
.
Is this something you've asked him to do *for* you perhaps? Or even he's asked you to do *for* him?
.
Either way I'd suggest you both may need to take a step back and understand what it is you truly want - even if he can't describe in specific terms perhaps he can do so in more general terms, but to put that into practice he needs a greater deal of understanding of himself and can do that by reading, research etc.
.
If this is something you've asked him to do for you, it may be that he just doesn't have the interest or the ability to take on the role.
.
Either way the answers to this come from you both with some open and honest discussion.

[Ve****]

Listen to the podcast “Conversations with a Dom”. The author also has a book, Sensational Scenes and a website where you can find a kink list to discuss with your boyfriend.

[Ho****]

A lot of people talk about dominant/submissive when what they mean is top/bottom. The two are different. Perhaps he's thinking about topping (impact play etc) rather than dominating which, as far as I understand these things, is more lifestyle or relationship dynamic.

(I'm not very experienced, but have read a lot and continue to read to educate myself.)

[Ho****]

6 hours ago, Sassy83 said:

Well a submissive doesn’t always necessarily mean a slave if you want to inbox me and I can try to give advice

Why not share here, for everyone to learn from? Or are you hitting on the OP?

[Ve****]

Also, I question your boyfriend’s technique. Simply saying “I want you to be submissive” isn’t very inspiring. What, are you supposed to drop to your knees and bow simply because he wants it? What are you getting out of this? Has he asked you what you will and will not allow him to do to you?

[hrafnblod]

This is where erp (erotic roleplay) can shine as a tool. You each write a story about an ideal scene/scenario youd love to explore. Swap stories, then discuss and take it from there.

[hrafnblod]

You can then play out a scene/scenario via text based interaction working in what you discussed from your story swap, and see how that feels.

[GreyHogandBrat]

Submissive and slave are two different roles. As a submissive, you are giving up control. Sexually, you should allow your "dom" to take over the direction and intensity of things. As a slave, you are "obligated" to do what ever he wants, sexually and otherwise, within the parameters you two have discussed. These are MY opinions, not entirely textbook definitions. Taking the bdsm surveys might clarify what he really wants, could just be semantics. I've always found watching porn together and stopping to ask questions, like "Do you like what she is doing?" and "Is that how you want to interact?". I hope this helps. Good lkuck!

[sa****]

First off, you're an amazing girlfriend. Going to lengths to please the person you love. As it should be yet sadly I see it less and less. Anyway. I agree with hrafnblod, see if he's willing to write out some fantasies to exchange with you and if he still can't tell you what he's looking for, it might be buried in his psyche. whether it's subconscious or otherwise look into meditation, deprivation tank sessions or maybe, take a trip together. If you're into that sorry of thing

[Do****]

It sounds like you are in a relationship and your boyfriend wants to explore. There have been many pieces of good advice given here. Firstly I would ask you. What do you want to explore that is not present in your relationship. Make your own list of kinks and limits, you could use this to start the conversation. It may be that he thinks in telling you all of his desires he may scare you away. This is new territory for you both, make your own dynamic and don't worry about labels.

[cl****]

Thanks guys I appreciate the help! He thinks I'm vanilla because I'm not down with giving rim jobs. I'm sorry the idea of it makes me feel less feminine. If I wanted to lick things I'd be into chicks. And I'm sorry if that bothers anyone I'm not judging it's just how I feel. Well anyway ever since that connection he refuses to explain or do anything to guide me through what he wants. I've asked him pegging he said no way. At this point I'm lost he wants submissive yet it doesn't mean what the definition means to him. 😫 I might give up

[cl****]

Conversation **

[ge****]

15 minutes ago, claymont35293 said:

Thanks guys I appreciate the help! He thinks I'm vanilla because I'm not down with giving rim jobs. I'm sorry the idea of it makes me feel less feminine. If I wanted to lick things I'd be into chicks. And I'm sorry if that bothers anyone I'm not judging it's just how I feel. Well anyway ever since that connection he refuses to explain or do anything to guide me through what he wants. I've asked him pegging he said no way. At this point I'm lost he wants submissive yet it doesn't mean what the definition means to him. 😫 I might give up

Sorry but that's a totally ridiculous thing for him to suggest - not liking, or wanting to do, a specific act doesn't make you "vanilla".
.
If he's refusing to discuss or explain anything it strikes me he's acting like a child that can't get his own way to be honest