The DS Link, love and tenderness in BDSM

[Master6]

• A thorny subject

For some, BDSM is purely a quest for pleasure without tenderness, without love, and any feeling that arises causes the relationship to be abandoned. For others, tenderness has its place (but not love) because it cements the BOND, that strong attachment, that submissive Master osmosis that many seek. There are those who reconcile and claim BDSM loves and make them official through BDSM marriages.

Submissives often come to BDSM for several reasons:

They think they'll find pleasure, pure, intense sex with no strings attached.
They're looking for a totally fusional relationship between master and submissive.
They want to let go, to abandon themselves, sometimes to be someone else.
Some are looking for structure, elevation, to acquire new skills and knowledge, to get out of their environment...
Some want a deep attachment without the ***s and complications of love.
Others want something simple, healthy, with clear rules, sexual and emotional intensity and fulfillment, and will see how it evolves.
There are as many motivations for Bdsm as there are Submissives and Masters.

But there are some constants that we'll go over.

• Self-control

BDSM, the DS relationship, is based on self-control. BDSM is pleasure, passion and thrills. We experience sexual impulses of fabulous strength and intensity. Emotions run high. As a result, some people associate the strength of what they feel with love. But in the majority of cases, it's not. It's about the mysterious, indefinable LINK that so strongly unites Master and submissive. BDSM has its own rules and protocols to keep you under control and avoid the vanilla love spills that often spell the end of the BDSM relationship.

•  A parallel world

When you become a submissive, you become a different person.
You secretly transgress sexual and behavioral taboos.
You obey codes and rules that, in this age of gender equality and feminism, are no longer accepted, and you take pleasure in it! We engage in sexual practices that are often intense, even extreme, and poorly perceived by the right-minded. We free ourselves from our family, social class, prejudices and taboos, and become someone else. That other person wearing a collar, like a pet, like a slave, is not you, not the person your relatives know. You with another name, your submissive name, wearing sexy outfits and living your passion for BDSM in a parallel world often unknown to your loved ones.

• THE LINK

The Dominant is going through the same process. Given the charisma and the strength of the emotions felt during the various sexual games and Bdsm, an attachment is created. This attachment is what we call the bond. This bond enables the submissive to feed off the Master's strength and power, and to grow in confidence. It is characterized by trust, respect, tenderness and belonging. The submissive gives herself with no expectations other than to satisfy her lord and master. Moral issues and social etiquette fall by the wayside, and nothing else matters except the will to be his, the joy and happiness of being his thing. For the Master, it's a huge responsibility to offer a Bdsm universe in keeping with the imagination of his submissive, which he must nourish and constantly renew with patience and skill. Seeing his submissive blossom little by little, making her happier and more independent, asserting herself in her everyday life, is a pleasure and a priceless satisfaction for the Master.

Dominant and Submissive cannot exist without each other. Without this synergy, this harmony that could resemble perfect love.

The strength of the bond is considerable. The submissive will experience the strongest pleasures of her life, discovering subspace and infinite ecstasies. A good Master's charisma and magnetism can sometimes trigger repeated orgasms with a glance, a gesture, a finger that barely grazes the vulva, making her a fountain...

• Breaking the bond

When the bond is broken, whether by the Master or the submissive, the void is immense. It's an immutable law that everyone can regain their freedom at any time. I disagree. The submissive's gift is so great and so strong that a Master must not break it unless the submissive is guilty of serious misconduct. On the other hand, the submissive must be able to keep this privilege at all times.

Master's ethics:

The submissive is free to leave at any time. If she leaves, the fault lies with the Master, who must take responsibility for her failure to satisfy him.
The Master cannot break his commitments unless the submissive commits a serious fault. The Master must be reliable, always present and available to the submissive who gives herself entirely to him.
To have given everything to the other, to have experienced moments of an intensity and strength unknown before, the greatest pleasures of one's existence, to have surfed on subspace or immersed oneself in it with delight and suddenly, nothing! It's a shock that's hard to overcome for the partner who didn't choose the often brutal end to the relationship. You feel betrayed, abandoned... and this can lead to deep depression.

The submissive is particularly *** to this, as the Master often has several submissives and leaves his submissive for another out of weariness, because she's prettier, younger, more liberated... whereas the submissive has given herself totally to one Master and rarely leaves him for another.

There are often warning signs that the bond is breaking. Fewer meetings, reproaches...

•  Is the bond love?

Bdsm obeys rules and rituals, and as long as these are respected, as long as everyone plays their part, the bond remains active and powerful. Everything is done in BDSM to ensure that it's strong and intense, without going through the pangs of love in the event of separation. Everyone plays a role, everyone is someone else. The person you're going to become attached to is a secret person who doesn't exist in the ordinary world. Loving your submissive or loving your Master is like loving Superman. Superman has two personalities, two faces, two lives. And while Superman can be a fascinating character, Clark, the reporter, is less glamorous. Loving Superman and finding yourself in Clark's arms can be quite a shock!

It all depends on the personality of the submissive Master couple and the dynamic they've established.

As soon as one or the other questions the Bdsm relationship, talking about vanilla love, the strength of the bond will fade, the relationship will become banal and will disappear with heart wounds for at least one of the two and sometimes for both.

• Tenderness in DS

How can you not feel tenderness for a partner who gives you everything?

Tenderness is a form of affection, sensitivity and benevolent consideration towards another person, without the element of constraint that passion or desire could create.

Source: Wikipedia

It's a good idea to show tenderness to strengthen the bond, during the session, and afterwards during a tenderness break to evacuate the excess of emotions experienced. A DS relationship without tenderness

• DS couple, ideal couple?

In a balanced DS relationship, the quest for perfection FOR THE OTHER is mutual.
Both partners are transcended by their desire to give everything to the other.

As long as the values that make the submissive an exceptional loving being, such as attachment and self-giving, the desire to please and to please others, accompanied by the feeling of happiness that this brings, are present in the relationship, all is well (with the same approach for the master, of course).

If the bdsm stops, if the dog loses its values and libido, the relationship often ceases.
It's a constant effort to reinvent oneself and satisfy the other person. With a BDSM framework, you can enjoy a very long, perfect and harmonious relationship, free from the hazards of ordinary relationships and far more intense and respectful.

• Did you say love?

Big debate... I'll let you be the judge.

On a specialized website, the 5 criteria of true love:
Finding the other person mysterious
Being afraid of losing them
Agreeing to commit to the unknown
Feeling desire

In BDSM, love is a trap, because the person you're going to love doesn't exist in real life. The person only exists as long as the BDSM bond lasts. If the bond ceases, the relationship will deteriorate, as expectations will no longer be met for either partner.

•  Two immutable rules to respect:

The end of the BDSM relationship marks the end of the entire relationship.
A finished relationship never starts again.
Respecting these two rules will save you a lot of suffering...
They must be clearly stated at the start of the relationship.

 

what do you think 🤔🤔

The exception to this is BDSM love, a true and rare love that can break free from these two rules. I know married couples who live this rare love.

Feeling you exist

[St****]

Well said.

[Deleted Member]

Wow. This is such an amazing write. I read it 3 times.

I am owned by an amazing and kind Sir. When I finally realized the 'bond' between my he and I, I somehow already understood that it doesn't quite classify as 'love'. At first realization of my bond with him, I was confused and nervous and I had even inquired of him if it is 'normal for a sub to feel love for her Dom?' (I used the word 'love' at that time because I hadn't yet fully put into perspective what these 'feelings' actually were). He replied with 'Of course...' and we continued to discuss this whenever it would come up. When I started expressing my sentiment to him, I used 'I adore you' instead of 'I love you'. There is a complete difference between the two. My adoration toward him is immense and very deep but not along the same lines as 'love'. I explained this to him and I feel like he isn't so nervous about it now lol. We have a more clear understanding of our bond and we embrace this understanding.

This is truly an amazing write that touches on many truths of even my own bdsm life and world. Thank you, friend, for sharing this. Such beautiful enlightenment ✨.

[CopperKnob]

I think that this is a rather fanciful idea of what BDSM is. If we consider D/s, it's a relationship like any other with it's ups and downs, neither party are perfect despite (for me) emotions running higher in that environment.
I don't turn into a different person when I'm a submissive. I am submissive in the right relationship, until that's the case, that side of me remains suppressed.
I also don't feel that submission is opposed to feminism. Submission is feminism.

[Msfergz]

I love this thank you. I find so much focus on the sex side of d/s ... When my opinion the sex is a tool ( a delicious one at that) to create and maintain that deep connection. So many types of dynamics and each to own but as I couldn't ever just be submissive in bedroom... Need the bigger picture.. I struggle to find connection/like minded to relate too. So thank you for this... It's a reminder I am not alone

[Ki****]

I really enjoyed reading this. It was very helpful and and it answered a lot of questions. I’ve been asking people and not getting an answer. I’m going to read it again. I’ll probably be like the other person that commented and read it more than twice to just so I can retain all the information there was a lot of good information in there, I am going to write some of it down in my notebook that I keep so that I can remember it. I knew it this lifestyle but I take it very seriously and I want to learn it right I don’t want to screw it up and be let down, or let someone else down, it’s very important to me to do this. The correct way. Thank you for writing this. I appreciate it very much.

[ey****]

there's a lot here which is overly romanticised.

And also BDSM does not necessarily equate to DS

DS is a facet of BDSM - but a DS relationship is one thing and a BDSM relationship can be a number of things.  People keep defaulting everything to DS when this is not the reality.

[De****]

I don’t find myself as a different person as a submissive than who I am. Rather, I find myself as a truer version of myself. Also, I find it odd that people feel love and BDSM can’t coexist. I find it hard to believe that a relationship full of honest, emotion, and communication negates love.