Did I dodge a bullet?

[Ki****]

52 minutes ago, Hels1920 said:

we weren't in a D/s relationship at no point was this mentioned. He said he had subs, he wouldn't tell me how many but I was under the impression he didn't want any more, he also said he didn't do Online stuff. We were just talking with a posibility of meeting next year. 

I see lots of red plays unfortunately. I think honesty is key and perhaps this will be learning for your future vetting process. I think it's always good to find it early on. The same goes for us Doms too, I too had a possible sub and was willing to meet her driving 8hrs but a day before the trip she would come with some reasons and I would cancel the trip. It happened 3 times and suddenly she starts to call me Daddy when we didn't establish any D/s relation. She is in late 30s and I realised early on there were inconsistencies. Recently she has made a new profile and put in Dom/sub relationship on her new profile and when I asked her about it, she conveniently mentions it's between us and I'm told her we never met so how can we be in a D/s relation. There are some crazy people out here in BDSM and we just have to be careful.

[Ki****]

5 minutes ago, KissingDom said:

I see lots of red plays unfortunately. I think honesty is key and perhaps this will be learning for your future vetting process. I think it's always good to find it early on. The same goes for us Doms too, I too had a possible sub and was willing to meet her driving 8hrs but a day before the trip she would come with some reasons and I would cancel the trip. It happened 3 times and suddenly she starts to call me Daddy when we didn't establish any D/s relation. She is in late 30s and I realised early on there were inconsistencies. Recently she has made a new profile and put in Dom/sub relationship on her new profile and when I asked her about it, she conveniently mentions it's between us and I'm told her we never met so how can we be in a D/s relation. There are some crazy people out here in BDSM and we just have to be careful.

* red flags

[Am****]

First of all, I totally understand your concern about eventually not being able to do what you have been able to, and the deep, empty feelings that accompany that. Whilst I’m not yet 50, my journey through the kink world has brought up those same feelings.

In all honesty, in this case, I think you may have dodged a bullet. Nobody ever has the right to leave you feeling the way you did, including a Dominant. Perhaps there was a lack of communication, or even experience, on both parts, but learn what you can from this and take those learnings into the next dynamic you enter into.

We attract what we focus on, so focus your attention on what you DO want, and what you truly deserve, rather than on what you don’t have. Sending hugs x

[ar****]

So, he said he's very good with women and getting them to face their ***s. Yet, he won't tell you what he's going to do, doesn't "believe" in safe words, already fails to "instruct" you properly, is not understanding of your situation as he makes you feel bad for him being disappointed over him miscommunicating his expectations. Then you disappointed him again, and he demands you not to do that again?
With this attitude of his already, I wouldn't think the "aftercare" is any good either. Massive red flags, even more so because you're inexperienced and still he makes you feel down. Is that really something you would want?

[Do****]

Yes, I think you not only dodged a bullet, you saved a lot of ***, time and wasted effort. I don't know of the issues he said he could help you resolve, but he clearly didn't understand your needs nor take into account the limitations your real life exerts on your time and strength. You did not agree to enter any sort of relationship, therefore you should not under any circumstances feel that you did anything wrong. I am new and inexperienced here but I also see so many warning signals in what you have described. Take the time to breathe a huge sigh of relief and take strength from the council of the replies and advice given so far. The Dom of many subs with no limitations and the magic potion to cure all only exists in his own imagination. I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery.

[He****]

14 minutes ago, Amethyst_Rose said:

First of all, I totally understand your concern about eventually not being able to do what you have been able to, and the deep, empty feelings that accompany that. Whilst I’m not yet 50, my journey through the kink world has brought up those same feelings.

In all honesty, in this case, I think you may have dodged a bullet. Nobody ever has the right to leave you feeling the way you did, including a Dominant. Perhaps there was a lack of communication, or even experience, on both parts, but learn what you can from this and take those learnings into the next dynamic you enter into.

We attract what we focus on, so focus your attention on what you DO want, and what you truly deserve, rather than on what you don’t have. Sending hugs x

He says he's been doing this for 20 years. I just want someone who will take me to where I need to be, teach me if necessary, and I would like it if it's long distance that he actually gets on a plane and comes here, rather than me being the only one who travels. 

[He****]

4 minutes ago, DopeyDom said:

Yes, I think you not only dodged a bullet, you saved a lot of ***, time and wasted effort. I don't know of the issues he said he could help you resolve, but he clearly didn't understand your needs nor take into account the limitations your real life exerts on your time and strength. You did not agree to enter any sort of relationship, therefore you should not under any circumstances feel that you did anything wrong. I am new and inexperienced here but I also see so many warning signals in what you have described. Take the time to breathe a huge sigh of relief and take strength from the council of the replies and advice given so far. The Dom of many subs with no limitations and the magic potion to cure all only exists in his own imagination. I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery.

Thank you, I am going to Europe and the UK anyway to visit friends, so I wasn't really going out of my way to visit. No I did not enter into a relationship, he said he didn't want one and didn't do online, so I understood that to mean just chatting. I was surprised when it turned into doing something online, it wasn't really discussed, but I was willing to give it a go, I'm just not so wide awake at 1 am so it didn't work. I'll be fine my head is clearer now, thanks to all the answers. We had lots of other things in common and I loved talking to him about those, his world of kink is different to mine. I just thought maybe I needed to be more open to other things, but I don't, I will just stick to what I know from now on.  

[He****]

33 minutes ago, arnhem961 said:

So, he said he's very good with women and getting them to face their ***s. Yet, he won't tell you what he's going to do, doesn't "believe" in safe words, already fails to "instruct" you properly, is not understanding of your situation as he makes you feel bad for him being disappointed over him miscommunicating his expectations. Then you disappointed him again, and he demands you not to do that again?
With this attitude of his already, I wouldn't think the "aftercare" is any good either. Massive red flags, even more so because you're inexperienced and still he makes you feel down. Is that really something you would want?

wow when you put it that way, no it's not I want

[TheDeathRictus]

Ngl this is all ringing bells I'm curious if it was the person I'm thinking of because they're bad news I'm aware... In which case bullet dodged for sure.

It may be the way it's worded but it sounds very manipulative, I'd definitely say you're incompatible either way. Even online play needs aftercare and asking you after a day with young family members is a red flag imo, you'll be in the wrong mentality

[He****]

2 minutes ago, TheDeathRictus said:

Ngl this is all ringing bells I'm curious if it was the person I'm thinking of because they're bad news I'm aware... In which case bullet dodged for sure.

It may be the way it's worded but it sounds very manipulative, I'd definitely say you're incompatible either way. Even online play needs aftercare and asking you after a day with young family members is a red flag imo, you'll be in the wrong mentality

I'm a middle/little anyway, not all the time but a fair bit. I get very upset when I haven't done something right, especially when I've tried, that's the little in me. My young relatives are my nieces who are aged 9 to 15 and we all love building Lego, so that's the frame of mind I was in. Yeah you are right we just weren't compatible, he is very much a sadist and I'm not that much a masochist. Momentary lapse of reason on my behalf. I saw it but didn't want to admit it. 

[ar****]

14 minutes ago, Hels1920 said:

I'm a middle/little anyway, not all the time but a fair bit. I get very upset when I haven't done something right, especially when I've tried, that's the little in me. My young relatives are my nieces who are aged 9 to 15 and we all love building Lego, so that's the frame of mind I was in. Yeah you are right we just weren't compatible, he is very much a sadist and I'm not that much a masochist. Momentary lapse of reason on my behalf. I saw it but didn't want to admit it. 

Being in the Lego frame of mind, looks like it's time to Lego of him. 😜

[RandoriUK]

Firstly, you are an attractive young lady. Thank you for posting your photos, especially those taken in what would seem to be a professional photo shoot.

From these photos, very hot by the way, perhaps ask some deeper questions of yourself. For example, are you dressing as 'you' for you, or are you dressing to attract what may be the wrong person who wants what they see, but which is not really you?

Life is a difficult path to tread at the best of times, and whilst it is easier to grow by repeating positive experiences, it is also possible to grow by not repeating negative experiences.

Take your time, think carefully, and always remain safe within your own limits.

You are young and vibrant. Let’s have less if the little time life, take each day as it comes, and you will have many I am sure.

"The thought of not doing the things that I haven't experienced and so desperately want to, makes me sad."

Focus on this. It is you! Someone out there is desperately wanting to receive what you have to offer!

[Ve****]

I’m curious about the statement you made about your age. I invite you to consider it differently. It’s not that you have so little time left to be with someone, so you should feel desperate. I consider my own age like this: I have lived long enough to acquire wisdom and appreciation for my beautiful body and the things it can do. I have all ready endured so much, and learned so many lessons that it is now time to cherish my life. I spend time only with those that make me feel good and I enjoy. I am too precious to ignore my gut and take risks on people who trigger me, use me, *** me and do not cherish me.

[Deleted Member]

Dodged a bullet.
Doms gotta be precise, take your needs and life into consideration and end results cant be leaving you with what sounds like subdrop.

[Fa****]

Ok hunni I’m back, I’ve read all the comments and you’ve definitely received some good answers and advice.

If your “problem” is (only - and I don’t mean that lightly) what you describe in your subsequent comments then his response is ***y ridiculous. Sorry, this is a real issue for me. As someone who also has issues with orgasm people who comment about  how good they are with those kinds of problems are generally self inflated, egotistical idiots who wouldn’t know a fake orgasm from a real one if it hit them in the face. “Women with those sorts of problems…” - therein lies his first mistake, the assumption of a one size fits all solution to the “problem”.

His inability and unwillingness to discuss or even allude to what his plans would have been is terrifying. How, in the name of god, can someone consent to something that they don’t know about (yes there are scenarios where this is the case but this was not one of them)? And his assumption that you would not get “hurt” is at best naive. Hurt doesn’t merely mean physically.

Additionally, if he already has subs and didn’t want a relationship what would be the purpose of the meeting (other than friendship) was he offering his expertise as a sexual counsellor 🙄 or was he simply looking for someone to play with without investing the time and energy required to form a trusting bond with you? Furthermore - I’d be interested to know if his others subs were (well, real) aware and consenting to his actions?

You followed the instructions you were given. One assumes that they made “sense” to you ergo you did not need to seek clarity. The error for you “doing it wrong” lies solely with him and his communication. If he wanted something very specific the onus is on him to make sure you’re aware of that. That said, he doesn’t do online stuff so what prompted his turn about. Very odd if you ask me. Further he had no right whatsoever to make you feel bad - you do not belong to him and even if you did making you feel bad for his poor communication is not ok.

This person appears to have no idea what they want and need and keeps flipping from one view point to another. I am so sorry you got caught up in his infantile behaviour.

My opinion for what it’s worth is that being a sub isn’t something that can be “trained” because each and every dynamic is different so what works for one D/s relationship won’t work for another. They are very fluid and my first “real” Dom described it rather like a dance with leading and following and learning each other’s steps.

A better outcome would be for him to realise he’s in the wrong and has made a mistake and to learn from it and not hurt anyone else in this way again.

I really, really want you to know you have done nothing wrong here whatsoever. We all want and need and yearn for something and sometimes we dive in or get carried away with something that isn’t right. It is only when we meet the good people and the people who are right for us that we actually realise the flaws of the other people and that we were fooling ourselves.

I’ve been where you are, more than once, I’m sending love and hugs and my inbox is always open if you need anything xxx

 

[ar****]

15 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Ok hunni I’m back, I’ve read all the comments and you’ve definitely received some good answers and advice.

If your “problem” is (only - and I don’t mean that lightly) what you describe in your subsequent comments then his response is ***y ridiculous. Sorry, this is a real issue for me. As someone who also has issues with orgasm people who comment about  how good they are with those kinds of problems are generally self inflated, egotistical idiots who wouldn’t know a fake orgasm from a real one if it hit them in the face. “Women with those sorts of problems…” - therein lies his first mistake, the assumption of a one size fits all solution to the “problem”.

His inability and unwillingness to discuss or even allude to what his plans would have been is terrifying. How, in the name of god, can someone consent to something that they don’t know about (yes there are scenarios where this is the case but this was not one of them)? And his assumption that you would not get “hurt” is at best naive. Hurt doesn’t merely mean physically.

Additionally, if he already has subs and didn’t want a relationship what would be the purpose of the meeting (other than friendship) was he offering his expertise as a sexual counsellor 🙄 or was he simply looking for someone to play with without investing the time and energy required to form a trusting bond with you? Furthermore - I’d be interested to know if his others subs were (well, real) aware and consenting to his actions?

You followed the instructions you were given. One assumes that they made “sense” to you ergo you did not need to seek clarity. The error for you “doing it wrong” lies solely with him and his communication. If he wanted something very specific the onus is on him to make sure you’re aware of that. That said, he doesn’t do online stuff so what prompted his turn about. Very odd if you ask me. Further he had no right whatsoever to make you feel bad - you do not belong to him and even if you did making you feel bad for his poor communication is not ok.

This person appears to have no idea what they want and need and keeps flipping from one view point to another. I am so sorry you got caught up in his infantile behaviour.

My opinion for what it’s worth is that being a sub isn’t something that can be “trained” because each and every dynamic is different so what works for one D/s relationship won’t work for another. They are very fluid and my first “real” Dom described it rather like a dance with leading and following and learning each other’s steps.

A better outcome would be for him to realise he’s in the wrong and has made a mistake and to learn from it and not hurt anyone else in this way again.

I really, really want you to know you have done nothing wrong here whatsoever. We all want and need and yearn for something and sometimes we dive in or get carried away with something that isn’t right. It is only when we meet the good people and the people who are right for us that we actually realise the flaws of the other people and that we were fooling ourselves.

I’ve been where you are, more than once, I’m sending love and hugs and my inbox is always open if you need anything xxx

 

Hmm I didn't presume the "problem" to be not reaching the big O. I figured it was something else, like low self esteem, past trauma or something like that. Especially since *** was mentioned. Maybe OP is too desperate because of the way she sees herself in that light. That would make more sense to me because judging from her profile I doubt she really needs to fly all the way to Scotland to have her needs met.

[RealDom72]

Was sorry to hear of your bad experiences so far, it's a shame there are still many that's out there who think this is some sort of game. Sadly we don't match as I love to train, rope play & experiment. Truly hope you find your Dom.

[Po****]

Good luck finding a real worthwhile experience. Forget about what you were caught up and I agree with these other people's comments.

[He****]

15 hours ago, arnhem961 said:

Hmm I didn't presume the "problem" to be not reaching the big O. I figured it was something else, like low self esteem, past trauma or something like that. Especially since *** was mentioned. Maybe OP is too desperate because of the way she sees herself in that light. That would make more sense to me because judging from her profile I doubt she really needs to fly all the way to Scotland to have her needs met.

Yeah there's also low self esteem, I look at me and see something entirely different to what other people tell me. I've had past trauma, lots of it but I'm past that. The trauma I think is what has stopped me from reaching the big O with another person. Perfectly capable on my own but never with someone. But that's another story. 

[ar****]

2 hours ago, Hels1920 said:

Yeah there's also low self esteem, I look at me and see something entirely different to what other people tell me. I've had past trauma, lots of it but I'm past that. The trauma I think is what has stopped me from reaching the big O with another person. Perfectly capable on my own but never with someone. But that's another story. 

So if you think the trauma stopped you from climaxing with another person, and if you are "past" that, then is there really a problem still? The "he was very good with women with those sorts of problems"-part to me comes across like you think it may still play a role.
.
If it does, and interactions may even trigger past trauma, you would really do well with someone who is more understanding than him, someone who has your best interest at heart and honors a safe word.
.
But if trauma does not play a part anymore, how come you aren't able to find someone local to please you, if not through this app then through speeddating IRL or even Tinder or the likes?

[do****]

IMO you dodged a bullet. Wishing you much success in your journey

[He****]

On 11/26/2023 at 8:13 PM, arnhem961 said:

So if you think the trauma stopped you from climaxing with another person, and if you are "past" that, then is there really a problem still? The "he was very good with women with those sorts of problems"-part to me comes across like you think it may still play a role.
.
If it does, and interactions may even trigger past trauma, you would really do well with someone who is more understanding than him, someone who has your best interest at heart and honors a safe word.
.
But if trauma does not play a part anymore, how come you aren't able to find someone local to please you, if not through this app then through speeddating IRL or even Tinder or the likes?

Well that's a good question, primarily I'm looking for a D/s dynamic, and that doesn't happen overnight. Locally I get offers from 30 something and 40 something year olds, or guys who want to cheat on their wives. None of that appeals to me. Seems to me that most guys don't read your intro, and you might start off well in a conversation and then it turns into things I don't want to do. I even compromised that recently, hence this thread, and have decided to stick to what I feel good about. I mostly am compatable it seems with people who live in Europe. There are also so many guys who call themselves Dom just because they think it's an easy way to get a fck. Meeting someone local IRL is not easy. Yes I think the trauma did stop me but so did the fact that my husband didn't believe in foreplay so that didn't help either. I met a Dd on here and had an online relationship with him for a couple of years, he persuaded me to see a BDSM sex councillor which I did, and that's what helped me. Dd and I did meet twice, but nothing happened. I'm going to stop looking and hope someone that I can relate to finds me. Or give up eventually, I don't know how this will pan out. I get a lot of oh wow you're stunning etc etc, or I'd like to fck you, so when they say that I know exactly what they are after, and that I will come a sorry second. I don't want to do that either. I am worth the time, just need to find someone who wants to put the time in. 

[He****]

3 hours ago, doubletrouble129 said:

IMO you dodged a bullet. Wishing you much success in your journey

thankyou I now think so too, and thankyou success would be nice

[Calmpleaser]

I mean... Considering how much you've chatted, and how much time he has put in, to me means he was very interested. It's a shame that he just wasn't the one you were looking for, seems sexually he was all about taking. Doesn't sound to me you would of enjoyed the play with him. Sorry you've invested so much time into him. Him not being specific about what he was going to do... I mean it's really hard to judge, but I do that as well, just because once I tell someone the scenario I've got in my head, I'm kinda no longer interested in playing it out 😂 I've got a very good imagination - it's like it has already happened IRL haha... Or I just don't have an idea, but I'm passionate when I Dom, so I wouldn't really do anything crazy anyway, usually just trying to cross off as many of someone's kinks as possible. I really appreciate you mention this, I didn't realise that could be off putting, might need to write something down to copy and paste later haha 😂

[He****]

6 minutes ago, Switchbboy said:

I mean... Considering how much you've chatted, and how much time he has put in, to me means he was very interested. It's a shame that he just wasn't the one you were looking for, seems sexually he was all about taking. Doesn't sound to me you would of enjoyed the play with him. Sorry you've invested so much time into him. Him not being specific about what he was going to do... I mean it's really hard to judge, but I do that as well, just because once I tell someone the scenario I've got in my head, I'm kinda no longer interested in playing it out 😂 I've got a very good imagination - it's like it has already happened IRL haha... Or I just don't have an idea, but I'm passionate when I Dom, so I wouldn't really do anything crazy anyway, usually just trying to cross off as many of someone's kinks as possible. I really appreciate you mention this, I didn't realise that could be off putting, might need to write something down to copy and paste later haha 😂

Yeah I believe he was interested, in fact I know he was, but it's the contradiction, I don't play online and yet that's exactly what he was trying to do and I wasn't prepared for it. He got pissed off with me especially when I tried to defend myself. We were not in a dynamic so he was treating me like we were and that confused me too. It is what it is. I get that not wanting to say everything that's in your head, but he told me nothing at all and said he didn't believe in safe words which is a worry. I thought maybe I needed  to let go a bit, but I realise now that I would of just been apprehensive. What if I couldn't cum would he get mad then too? I'm pretty sure I don't want to do anything with anybody now for a long time. It's put me off.