KINKY APPROACH

[Private_Duffy]

I'll confess to not having read through the whole thread, but there are some really solid points getting made here.

On a personal note & as some perspective for those who do it, I for one really dread getting "hi how are you" openings. There's the surface element of low effort opening yes, but also...I dont really want to talk about how I am! It's usually either a throwaway social platitude or a way too personal question that doesn't really have a bearing on introductions & feeling out compatibility initially imo. Engage me about my interests, throw me something to reply to with vigour y'know?

Some folks are likely on here to escape how they're feeling generally, so reeling right in on essentially "what's your state of mind right now?" in 2023 is...well it certainly isn't going to have me fawning at someone's feet, that's for sure! The thought is appreciated if genuine, but I'd really rather talk shop about X or Y instead.

[Du****]

13 minutes ago, Private_Duffy said:

I'll confess to not having read through the whole thread, but there are some really solid points getting made here.

On a personal note & as some perspective for those who do it, I for one really dread getting "hi how are you" openings. There's the surface element of low effort opening yes, but also...I dont really want to talk about how I am! It's usually either a throwaway social platitude or a way too personal question that doesn't really have a bearing on introductions & feeling out compatibility initially imo. Engage me about my interests, throw me something to reply to with vigour y'know?

Some folks are likely on here to escape how they're feeling generally, so reeling right in on essentially "what's your state of mind right now?" in 2023 is...well it certainly isn't going to have me fawning at someone's feet, that's for sure! The thought is appreciated if genuine, but I'd really rather talk shop about X or Y instead.

Gosh, yes, you’re absolutely right! I often get “how’s your day going” or “hi, how was your weekend, get up to much?” - Excuse me, do we know each other?! And I’ll never forget the one guy who actually began with “hi, have you been having much sex lately?” Honestly I laughed for a week

[1M****]

1 hour ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Hell no

You’re just hatin because nobody’s that smooth and Bristol.. It’s OK to sit down and be quiet when you’ve got nothing nice or constructive to say… Or didn’t your mother teach you how to be a lady?

[Du****]

19 minutes ago, 1MrYesSir said:

You’re just hatin because nobody’s that smooth and Bristol.. It’s OK to sit down and be quiet when you’ve got nothing nice or constructive to say… Or didn’t your mother teach you how to be a lady?

On the contrary, it’s preferable to keep PUA-type suggestions out of here. The bdsm world is better than that.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Oliejuice said:

I thought I said that in my message.  Im fully aware an unsolicited message earns me not a damn thing.  Also I honestly cant attest to wether the women saying they want a  fireworks display in the first message are the same ones that just said "hi" or "hey"  but I can say that phrase is all too common on any online social site that it would be quite naive to not heed that request somewhat.  I mean its said often enough that a man would be arrogant, naive, or just plain stupid to not take all the women saying such seriously.  I pray im none of those things tho.  You could very well be right and all the women that sent me one word messages never thought about what they require to get their attention and maybe none of them wanted the fireworks show the others wanted.  I very well could be applying this train of thought when the women that do say this are voluntarily telling me that we arent compatible right out the gate and saving me time but then im going and wasting mine trying to get some of their attention.   Tbh Im not sure if ive ever sent a message to a woman that has said they require all the bells and whistles to get their attention.  I think its just such a common statement I guess its been imprinted in my mind at this point.  Now im gonna have to rethink some things and make sure im staying genuine to myself.   

Do women really want fireworks? I certainly don't. They'd like something non-sexual, non-boring and a bit personal from what I can gather from this thread.

[ge****]

Like most things in life, what it boils down to is no two people are the same or expect the same - some will reply to a simple "Hi, how are you?", others won't - there's nothing wrong with either way, so long as the sender is prepared to accept that their chosen method may not be what the recipient is looking for.
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Usually those that won't aren't expecting war and peace or fireworks or anything particularly out of the ordinary, just something that is more than "Hi, how are you?" and that's a little engaging at the very least.
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The mistake a lot of men make when approaching sites like this is either to think it's as simple as saying "Hi, how are you?" to engage someone, or that all the women are "gagging for it" an ready to drop their knickers for anyone.
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Neither are true - what most women want is to be treated like people first and foremost, with respect and consideration, show some interest in them and create interest in yourself, don't expect every woman to immediately want sexual talk (in my experience virtually none do) - they want to feel comfortable talking to you, get to know you a little and if there's mutual interest there then yeah things may open up a little and to come back to the OP get a little "spicy" but not in an opening message.

[Je****]

ÌIt's peculiar how these posts about how to approach *anyone* turns into a bashing of how men are "expected" to approach women.

It works both ways surely...?

 

Yes the generic "hi how are you?", contains no substance, its impersonal and doesn't really engage. It's effortless to be honest. 

Sure women get that a lot. It comes across as tho the men are just saying/asking the same thing across different profiles.

However a "hi how are you, I'm curious about XYZ on your profile, of you're wanting to discuss more as I'm intrigued"... shows a bit more personality. Curiosity and interest. 

This works both ways. Not just for men approaching women. 

 

Most people are here for kink playmates or relationships and dynamics. 

So in order to achieve these things, compatibility and interest is paramount surely. 

Not just anyone approaching for the sake of a pretty picture. 

There has to be something that makes you approach someone, and if there is... make that known. Not just the photo. 

 

It is just common knowledge that spamming any number of profiles in a hope of a catch, isn't really gonna work. It's distasteful. It's not going to make someone feel special being a number in a range of 1-50. 

Being selective helps. Being interested for who they are. What they're into as well as how they look helps.

But yes as someone said, it depends on a wide range of things, whether someone replies.

If they like what you have on your profile. Their home and work life. Their mood and if they find you attractive also. 

It is slim chances, but not impossible. 

Anyone who messages me, I always check them out. But rarely reply. Usually due to not being compatible but mostly cus I have stated women only and the messages u get are from men. So it's an automatic no. Basically because they haven't read. 

If I like a man il approach him but only if I've read his profile and location, kink and attraction is there. If he doesn't feel it then sure. Il move along. If he's sleazy and crude right off the bat, il move on. Same with women tbh. 

 

But the tldr is you need to be select and engaging no matter who you approach. 

[Ma****]

I don't see one of my comments I made here.

[ge****]

3 minutes ago, MarMiami said:

I don't see one of my comments I made here.

If you came in via notifications you may not - if you come in via the forums they'll be there

[Ma****]

I always start with a :
Hi, how are you?
And it has worked well for me.
You can read the rest of the information in my profile, which is why I filled it out. And from there we started a conversation as a normal person, seeing what each person wants. and from there it flows in different directions.
If the person does not have the time or does not want to read my profile. So we weren't meant to know each other.

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, MarMiami said:

I always start with a :
Hi, how are you?
And it has worked well for me.
You can read the rest of the information in my profile, which is why I filled it out. And from there we started a conversation as a normal person, seeing what each person wants. and from there it flows in different directions.
If the person does not have the time or does not want to read my profile. So we weren't meant to know each other.

You said this earlier. And that's great you've found what works for you, but several women in this thread have said that doesn't appeal. I do read a profile before replying, but only if the message makes me interested enough. "Hi how are you" wouldn't.

[Ma****]

42 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

You said this earlier. And that's great you've found what works for you, but several women in this thread have said that doesn't appeal. I do read a profile before replying, but only if the message makes me interested enough. "Hi how are you" wouldn't.

So you want a man to sweep you off your feet with an introductory message? A cheesy pick up line? That seems kinda entitled (no offense). Especially given the fact that your profile doesn't tell us anything, except that you are submissive (which 90% females here are), and what YOU are looking for... You don't even have a profile picture 🤷

[ey****]

I'd say if you look at a ladies profile and feel it's poor or doesn't tell you enough there's no reason to message

yet many guys do.

Why?

[BreezyDay]

I like a creative hello with a compliment. When u leave out hi n Jump to sex talk u seem superficial as I'm looking to connect. At the same time in boxes get flooded so it's important to stand out. Ive said things like seasons greetings. I'ma need to be at the top of your new years to do list. I expect to see effort for I give it also. To each is own. I am not simple so simple doesn't always get me. Bare in mind most of us look at location, age, and complimentarily interests before replying. Ur pick up line may be on point and it's ur target audience that's interrupting your success. Good luck out there!

[ge****]

35 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

So you want a man to sweep you off your feet with an introductory message? A cheesy pick up line? That seems kinda entitled (no offense). Especially given the fact that your profile doesn't tell us anything, except that you are submissive (which 90% females here are), and what YOU are looking for... You don't even have a profile picture 🤷

I don't think that's what inconceivable said at all - she, like many others here (regardless of gender), is just looking for something a little bit more to pique their interest than "Hi, how are you?" - doesn't need to sweep us off our feet or have us lowering our underwear - just something that's a little engaging - I don't think that's "entitled" at all, far from it.
.
However what is entitled is someone sending a lazy and effortless message and expecting a reply.
.
As for inconceivable's profile there's plenty to work on there - if I were dominant, lived in Yorkshire and was between 40 and 55 and the type to send that kind of message (none of which I am) I'd send something along the lines of:
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"Hi there,
Your profile caught my eye and see you're looking for a single dominant open to an either monogamous or non-monogamous relationship - not saying I'm that person, but am looking for a submissive with similar interests.

I'm 53, live in York, single and have been a dominant since my 30s and regularly attend munches and events locally.

Wonder if you go to any? Also notice you list as a rope bunny, I have some experience in that side of things, with a particular interest in Shibari - any favoured styles from your side?
Interested in getting to know you better if having looked at my profile you would like to. If not I wish you all the best in your search.

GM"
.
Simple, to the point, shows a little effort and leaves it open - took me all of 3 minutes to write.

[Du****]

1 minute ago, gemini_man said:

I don't think that's what inconceivable said at all - she, like many others here (regardless of gender), is just looking for something a little bit more to pique their interest than "Hi, how are you?" - doesn't need to sweep us off our feet or have us lowering our underwear - just something that's a little engaging - I don't think that's "entitled" at all, far from it.
.
However what is entitled is someone sending a lazy and effortless message and expecting a reply.
.
As for inconceivable's profile there's plenty to work on there - if I were dominant, lived in Yorkshire and was between 40 and 55 and the type to send that kind of message (none of which I am) I'd send something along the lines of:
.
"Hi there,
Your profile caught my eye and see you're looking for a single dominant open to an either monogamous or non-monogamous relationship - not saying I'm that person, but am looking for a submissive with similar interests.

I'm 53, live in York, single and have been a dominant since my 30s and regularly attend munches and events locally.

Wonder if you go to any? Also notice you list as a rope bunny, I have some experience in that side of things, with a particular interest in Shibari - any favoured styles from your side?
Interested in getting to know you better if having looked at my profile you would like to. If not I wish you all the best in your search.

GM"
.
Simple, to the point, shows a little effort and leaves it open - took me all of 3 minutes to write.

I wish they were all like you! ❤️

[ey****]

I'll be honest also. Especially on other sites I will occasionally get messages from men, who obviously clearly want something (in some cases, not read my profile and think I'm a woman, but we'll cross that)

I try to reply every message and often regret that. But I will never exceed the effort of the other person. 
Give me a "Hey", you get a "Hey" or "?" mark
Give me "How are you?", "How has your day been?" etc and I will answer a deadended, "OK"

If someone was my friend asking how I am, what I've been up to is different - they have a lot of context.  A stranger, less so.

And it's like. You want something. Don't beat about. Ask it.  Even if it's just a general chat, then "Hey, would you be up for a little chat about subject x because I can see for reasons y that it might be appropriate to ask" 

[Deleted Member]

46 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

So you want a man to sweep you off your feet with an introductory message? A cheesy pick up line? That seems kinda entitled (no offense). Especially given the fact that your profile doesn't tell us anything, except that you are submissive (which 90% females here are), and what YOU are looking for... You don't even have a profile picture 🤷

Did I say I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet? You're just making stuff up now. Offense taken. I've said (and other people have also) that an intro message is ideally non-sexual, non-boring and a little personal. Don't see how that equates to being swept of my feet OR cheesy pick up line?
I didn't criticise your profile and I didn't ask for feedback on mine. Ta.

[Private_Duffy]

3 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I'll be honest also. Especially on other sites I will occasionally get messages from men, who obviously clearly want something (in some cases, not read my profile and think I'm a woman, but we'll cross that)

I try to reply every message and often regret that. But I will never exceed the effort of the other person. 
Give me a "Hey", you get a "Hey" or "?" mark
Give me "How are you?", "How has your day been?" etc and I will answer a deadended, "OK"

If someone was my friend asking how I am, what I've been up to is different - they have a lot of context.  A stranger, less so.

And it's like. You want something. Don't beat about. Ask it.  Even if it's just a general chat, then "Hey, would you be up for a little chat about subject x because I can see for reasons y that it might be appropriate to ask" 

Thoroughly agreed on this for establishing context as a great early part of introductions! In order to know how personal folks like to be/what their preferences are its well worth exploring a conversational topic or two to get a sense of it that aren't heavy or personal

[Ma****]

13 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I don't think that's what inconceivable said at all - she, like many others here (regardless of gender), is just looking for something a little bit more to pique their interest than "Hi, how are you?" - doesn't need to sweep us off our feet or have us lowering our underwear - just something that's a little engaging - I don't think that's "entitled" at all, far from it.
.
However what is entitled is someone sending a lazy and effortless message and expecting a reply.
.
As for inconceivable's profile there's plenty to work on there - if I were dominant, lived in Yorkshire and was between 40 and 55 and the type to send that kind of message (none of which I am) I'd send something along the lines of:
.
"Hi there,
Your profile caught my eye and see you're looking for a single dominant open to an either monogamous or non-monogamous relationship - not saying I'm that person, but am looking for a submissive with similar interests.

I'm 53, live in York, single and have been a dominant since my 30s and regularly attend munches and events locally.

Wonder if you go to any? Also notice you list as a rope bunny, I have some experience in that side of things, with a particular interest in Shibari - any favoured styles from your side?
Interested in getting to know you better if having looked at my profile you would like to. If not I wish you all the best in your search.

GM"
.
Simple, to the point, shows a little effort and leaves it open - took me all of 3 minutes to write.

Everything you listed there is sexually/kink oriented, which to me is fine, but many women here stated they don't wanna start the conversation with topics related to sex. Inconceivable's profile doesn't give us much to hang on to except those more private details. She didn't list any hobbies, personality, what she brings to the table... Yes, 'Hi, how are you?' may be lazy or low effort, but sometimes it's the only conversation starter.

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I don't think that's what inconceivable said at all - she, like many others here (regardless of gender), is just looking for something a little bit more to pique their interest than "Hi, how are you?" - doesn't need to sweep us off our feet or have us lowering our underwear - just something that's a little engaging - I don't think that's "entitled" at all, far from it.
.
However what is entitled is someone sending a lazy and effortless message and expecting a reply.
.
As for inconceivable's profile there's plenty to work on there - if I were dominant, lived in Yorkshire and was between 40 and 55 and the type to send that kind of message (none of which I am) I'd send something along the lines of:
.
"Hi there,
Your profile caught my eye and see you're looking for a single dominant open to an either monogamous or non-monogamous relationship - not saying I'm that person, but am looking for a submissive with similar interests.

I'm 53, live in York, single and have been a dominant since my 30s and regularly attend munches and events locally.

Wonder if you go to any? Also notice you list as a rope bunny, I have some experience in that side of things, with a particular interest in Shibari - any favoured styles from your side?
Interested in getting to know you better if having looked at my profile you would like to. If not I wish you all the best in your search.

GM"
.
Simple, to the point, shows a little effort and leaves it open - took me all of 3 minutes to write.

Great intro message! I'd reply to that. 🤗

[Ma****]

12 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

I wish they were all like you! ❤️

P.s. no need to block me, I just viewed your profile and am far away, I don't bite...

[Ma****]

9 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

Did I say I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet? You're just making stuff up now. Offense taken. I've said (and other people have also) that an intro message is ideally non-sexual, non-boring and a little personal. Don't see how that equates to being swept of my feet OR cheesy pick up line?
I didn't criticise your profile and I didn't ask for feedback on mine. Ta.

I'm not giving feedback on your profile, but saying that it's a double standard that you expect an interesting, and "a little personal" message when your profile hardly shows any personality.

[ge****]

12 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

Everything you listed there is sexually/kink oriented, which to me is fine, but many women here stated they don't wanna start the conversation with topics related to sex. Inconceivable's profile doesn't give us much to hang on to except those more private details. She didn't list any hobbies, personality, what she brings to the table... Yes, 'Hi, how are you?' may be lazy or low effort, but sometimes it's the only conversation starter.

There's a world of difference between something being related to sex and it being a crude attempt to be sexual though.
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Of course on a site like this where interests are kink/sex related people are open to discussing those interests - but nothing in that message was "sexual" as such, more establishing interests and there lies the difference.

[ey****]

10 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

I'm not giving feedback on your profile, but saying that it's a double standard that you expect an interesting, and "a little personal" message when your profile hardly shows any personality.

there's reasons why it's not

if she was messaging people with lazy messages, that would be a whole other board game 

but again, the people messaging her mustn't think her profile is bland, else they wouldn't message, no?