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New to dom, looking for examples and advice


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My wife and I are new to kink and dom/sub dynamics.

There is a lot out there to read and research, and I feel we've been well introduced to the basics and the safety and communication requirements for a hood D/S dynamic.

However, when it comes to the actual play, I come up blank and feel out of ideas. I'm not sure what to say or what to tell my sub to do. I have desires but I am not sure how to get them and am constantly second guessing myself or worrying about if my sub is getting anything out of it.

She's had some sub experience so she knows what works for her, but I am hesitant to just try to imitate her previous dom. Feels like that would be the worst possible approach.

Would love to hear from any experienced dom (any gender) and get some tips and tricks to grow into my own dom headspace

Not a dominant here, but honestly the best person to ask would be your wife - find out what her expectations of a dominant are, what she likes, what she dislikes, what her boundaries and limits are, what she'd like to try, how she likes to be treated when in submissive mode etc etc.
D/s and indeed BDSM comes in many different shapes and sizes and styles, and as such asking relative strangers on an Internet forum, who don't know you or your wife and your tastes, preferences, limits etc is going to probably cause more confusion than it will help you.
Perhaps seek out some on-line BDSM checklists which detail many elements and activities associated with kink/BDSM and allow you to rate them 1-5 in terms of interest - if you both complete one independently of each other, you can then compare and find areas of mutual interest to explore. Simply Google "BDSM checklist" to find one.
You'll find that the more you get to know and understand how your wife likes to be submissive that your confidence in your own dominant part will grow - again not something that can come from strangers on the Internet.
IMHO the hard part is in the self assessment. Being a daddy dom is actually a part of me, it’s not a role I play, so you have to make sure that you are an actual dom, figuring out what kind and always being genuine. Role play can be fun, however you truly won’t get what you need until you understand yourself.
Trying to be something and fit where you don’t can honestly be exhausting. Like for me I just can’t date vanilla, because the dom is always there waiting. I’d say do some research on who you are, what you’re into and follow that. Even though most of me falls under a daddy dom, I have other sides of that and sometimes I let them lead me like when I’m feeling very primal. But if you have to rehearse and play it is less enjoyable for everyone.
You also need to make sure that your wife can see you like that, I’ve experienced where some husbands and wives have been together so long it’s hard to see her as a dirty little slut that needs punished, or her to see you as a dom that can command that.
There are lots of articles about different scenes etc, and it is okay to at least follow part of previous doms, especially if those things are what get her to sub space and beyond and then make it your own!
But to truly exude DOM you have to know it, feel it, and let it flow. Self discovery is a very interesting road, and hopefully your partner is on board to be of assistance.
For me and my sub, she really appreciates having a schedule, knowing what we're going to do when we're going to do it weeks ahead of the time, she knows that daddy is going to take care of everything so her anxiety and stress levels are non existent. She drinks pleanty of water and I rarely have to assign actual task to her. Occasionally I'll remind her to carb up if we don't plan a dinner before hand before a big impact play scene.

Now as for direction in bdms scenes. Test the water. Read about safety in 101 wax play with low temperature wax. See if its somthing you both like or will enjoy. And then continue to if you both enjoy it.

Impact play use a belt for stingy, a wooden spoon for thuddy and your hand. Learn about warming her up pre care and post are and continue to explore if you both enjoy this.

Rope there are so many tutorials on YouTube so as long as your safe you can buy jasmine rope at Spencer's, jute rope at hobby lobby and Amazon. There are so many resources to explore what you and your sub personally enjoy together.

For me I'm not a master rope artist. My sub and I are into pet play, wax play, impact and ***. We want to explore electro, more bondage, and continue with fire play eventually. There is no science to what you do with your dynamic as long as your safe and you do the research together.

Have a conversation about what you both like or want and explore the overlaps first. Where do each of your limits sit?

Complete a sex menu together and play with what each of you thinks/feels is good for them… mine really surprised me and has changed multiple times since… for example, I thought I wouldn’t like breath play… now… I REALLY do!

Play firm but friendly at first - as has been said, if you are awkwardly playing Dom, you’ll be uncomfortable and she’ll not be into it.

Try some simple instruction first, ask her to do something for you (not necessarily sexually) and work on what to do when she does/doesn’t respond correctly, praise often works well, but a strong playful spank as you walk past her will too. Find your journey to it, if it’s part of you then it will appear naturally and organically and that’s what will get her to 🫠 for you 😈.

If you do this more often and consistently then you should be able to align your desires. Moving to sex, hair pulling, holding her head down on you, so you start to control her actions… put yourself in charge - little things, take your time… introduce some toys, use ropes (again as has been said… lots of fun without being an expert rigger!)
Start to tell her where to sit, or where to stand when you come home (if that’s applicable) and either remove a privilege or deny pleasure or again get to grips with how the sound of you removing you belt feels for her because she didn’t do it how you asked.

It’s a great adventure my friend - DM me if you want to discuss ideas anymore.

Hello. I'm new to the site, but this topic is dear to my heart. My wife and I have had a Daddy Dom / babygirl dynamic for a decade. The foundation of it isn't in me demanding obedience or giving her activities. It's a mindset. I take care of her. She takes care of me. We do that in a way that makes it safe for her to stop "adulting" and let me decide things. If I somehow cause her harm during a time when she's put her trust in me, I own that, we talk about it, figure out how not to repeat the error. Without out that humility - the humility of a Dom - trust erodes and the dynamic fails. When you think about nurturing this with your wife, think more about your head game than about your commands.

Structure can help, when you're starting out. Here are three simple structures you might try.

  1. A safeword. A safeword isn't just an emergency brake. It's a sacred ritual that when respected, builds trust.
  2. An actual opening and closing ritual for play. For example: there's a candle. At the beginning of a play session, the first thing you do is light the candle. She's not your sub until that candle is lit. The last thing you do at the end of play is blow out that candle. When you blow that candle out, she's not your sub any more, she's your wife. You can give aftercare, debrief, etc once the candle is out. Ritual might seem silly but you both wear a lot of different hats in the household; the ritual demarcates the end of one and the start of another
  3. A whack pack. If you can't think of ideas on the spot, think them up in advance. Write them down on cards. When it's time to play, have her draw a card. Whatever is on the card, she does - and once she's done it, she can end play or draw another. This helps your on-the-spot creativity problem and also can feel very sexy and mysterious.

Best of success to you both, Utrecht.


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