Conflicted about impact play

[Deleted Member]

I've enjoyed impact play for over 5 years, and found a great deal of physical and mental calm from it. But the last few times I've been with someone who has done impact play on me - I've felt somewhat confused afterwards. Questioning whether I want to be hurt at all, although in the moment I beg for it. And fantasise about it. It's left me doubting myself. Any advice?

[taskmaster2024]

First of all, are you getting any aftercare? If you’re not familiar, then definitely look into aftercare and sub drop. It’s a real thing. What were some of the differences between your play partners? Perhaps there is something in different approaches that you respond to better? And last, but not least, it could just be that you’ve changed and that’s OK too.

[ge****]

Hmmm a tricky one - think we all sometimes question our liking of *** even though we fantasise about it, or enjoy it while it's happening.
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Is there a specific trigger you can think of that's made you feel like this? Or perhaps it's a form of sub drop after the event?

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, taskmaster2024 said:

First of all, are you getting any aftercare? If you’re not familiar, then definitely look into aftercare and sub drop. It’s a real thing. What were some of the differences between your play partners? Perhaps there is something in different approaches that you respond to better? And last, but not least, it could just be that you’ve changed and that’s OK too.

Thinking of the two partners I've done impact with this year - minimal aftercare. Both pretty inexperienced. As in I'm the first person they've done impact with. Cuddles afterward but regret and any sub drop hit me on the way home and the next day.

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Hmmm a tricky one - think we all sometimes question our liking of *** even though we fantasise about it, or enjoy it while it's happening.
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Is there a specific trigger you can think of that's made you feel like this? Or perhaps it's a form of sub drop after the event?

Do we all question our liking of ***? It would help to know that others do. It's only recently that I have felt this way. I've wanted to not be sub/masochistic before because it complicates relationships but I've still wanted both. I can't think of a trigger other than both play partners didn't really leave me feeling as I have in the past. Contented is probably the best word.

[ge****]

8 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

Do we all question our liking of ***? It would help to know that others do. It's only recently that I have felt this way. I've wanted to not be sub/masochistic before because it complicates relationships but I've still wanted both. I can't think of a trigger other than both play partners didn't really leave me feeling as I have in the past. Contented is probably the best word.

I can't speak for all but there have been times where my logical brain has kicked in and made me question myself and why *** is a "thing" for me.
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I do think your comments about your play partners the last couple of times could be at the root of it though and maybe it's not so much questioning the ***, but questioning the specific people that have provided it and whether they "hit the spot" so to speak.
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Unfortunately like most things of this kind if there's no compatability when it comes to the impact play it's bound to leave you feeling unsatisfied or looking for reasons why it didn't do as much for you as in the past - add the no after care etc into that and in some ways it's not surprising you're feeling this way.

[Deleted Member]

18 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I can't speak for all but there have been times where my logical brain has kicked in and made me question myself and why *** is a "thing" for me.
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I do think your comments about your play partners the last couple of times could be at the root of it though and maybe it's not so much questioning the ***, but questioning the specific people that have provided it and whether they "hit the spot" so to speak.
.
Unfortunately like most things of this kind if there's no compatability when it comes to the impact play it's bound to leave you feeling unsatisfied or looking for reasons why it didn't do as much for you as in the past - add the no after care etc into that and in some ways it's not surprising you're feeling this way.

I think you could well be right. I tend to look inwards for answers, but my play partners recently just don't have the knowledge that previous ones did. And I rarely speak up. 😕

[le****]

That’s that post orgasm clarity lol it’s normal.

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, leesburgman123 said:

That’s that post orgasm clarity lol it’s normal.

Except I didn't orgasm. And it's not clarity, it's confusion.

[Deleted Member]

It definitely sounds like confusion. I really hope you find clarity and a clear path on it.

[Deleted Member]

Writing down your thoughts, and engaging in self-reflection is a good way to formalize your feelings about what is happening. It is possible that there is an emotional element that is missing. The lack of aftercare is concerning.

The post-play confusion you are experiencing is a powerful communicator that I would investigate.

[AuroraV]

It sounds like sub drop. If you are not receiving after care, then I would do some research and see if there’s a post impact play ritual that would help. Even if it’s simple like a hug and some positive affirmations

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, CallMeBo said:

Writing down your thoughts, and engaging in self-reflection is a good way to formalize your feelings about what is happening. It is possible that there is an emotional element that is missing. The lack of aftercare is concerning.

The post-play confusion you are experiencing is a powerful communicator that I would investigate.

I find self-reflection for me works best when I talk to others (such as this post) - it's just how my brain works. I did contact the guy I saw a few days ago and indicate I was experiencing sub-drop. He didn't know what it was. I shouldn't have assumed he did - that's on me, though.

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, AuroraV said:

It sounds like sub drop. If you are not receiving after care, then I would do some research and see if there’s a post impact play ritual that would help. Even if it’s simple like a hug and some positive affirmations

I've had drop before with other partners after impact. But it does seem to be the inexperience of my recent partners which has prompted my feelings. I don't know if I want to be responsible for teaching someone else how to do impact on me AND how look after me afterwards. 🤔

[ge****]

52 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

I've had drop before with other partners after impact. But it does seem to be the inexperience of my recent partners which has prompted my feelings. I don't know if I want to be responsible for teaching someone else how to do impact on me AND how look after me afterwards. 🤔

Everything is a learning experience and glad this thread is helping you with that.
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Sadly, whilst questions beforehand can help guide the way, sometimes it's not until you actually try that you know whether something or someone is right for you - not necessarily because they are wrong as such, just wrong for you. Recognising that can be tricky.
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Different situation but years ago when I was active on the swinging scene I'd agreed to meet someone but it took time for our diaries to align, however in the meantime we got on great, had similar tastes not only sexually but otherwise too and it really did seem a good match - when we did finally meet we got on great too, however when it came to sex, I think it's fair to say we both felt unsatisfied after, not because it was either of our faults, just we weren't compatible in that way - and I think perhaps this is similar to your recent experiences - you couldn't have known beforehand necessarily but it just wasn't compatible for you.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Everything is a learning experience and glad this thread is helping you with that.
.
Sadly, whilst questions beforehand can help guide the way, sometimes it's not until you actually try that you know whether something or someone is right for you - not necessarily because they are wrong as such, just wrong for you. Recognising that can be tricky.
.
Different situation but years ago when I was active on the swinging scene I'd agreed to meet someone but it took time for our diaries to align, however in the meantime we got on great, had similar tastes not only sexually but otherwise too and it really did seem a good match - when we did finally meet we got on great too, however when it came to sex, I think it's fair to say we both felt unsatisfied after, not because it was either of our faults, just we weren't compatible in that way - and I think perhaps this is similar to your recent experiences - you couldn't have known beforehand necessarily but it just wasn't compatible for you.

You could well be right! I didn't come away feeling satisfied in the least. But enjoy his company. There are a few issues at play, I guess I need to work it out.

[DarkArts1066]

That is one of the ways that “sub drop” manifests itself - if your mind and body are telling you that your session isn’t quite over yet.
Are you receiving aftercare from your Dom(s) ?
If so, it may not actually be the right aftercare for you.

If you are working with Dom’s that are lacking experience, then maybe that lack of experience is preventing them from assessing your needs thoroughly post session ?

Also - remember this. Some subs need an experienced Dom to guide them - others need someone who will develop their skillset and traits alongside them… effectively both learning together - and developing trust at the same time.

Only you will truely know what you personally need - and that may come as a result of trial and error (NOT in a negative way!… there is no negative here - “to err is to be human”)

Try analysing your sessions personally, and pay particular attention to the aftercare you have received - and how it is being delivered.

I have heard of one Dom who practiced impact play with a new sub, ran her a bath… made sure she got in it for a soak - and then just left. Not advisable !

Without knowing what your own level of experience and play preferences are, it’s difficult to advise further, but as with everything BadSM kink and fetish, the key is always effective communication.

I’m happy to chat if you would like to throw some thoughts and ideas around.

Good luck ..

[taskmaster2024]

22 hours ago, inconceivable said:

I find self-reflection for me works best when I talk to others (such as this post) - it's just how my brain works. I did contact the guy I saw a few days ago and indicate I was experiencing sub-drop. He didn't know what it was. I shouldn't have assumed he did - that's on me, though.

But that’s not on you, or not completely. A good Dom reads you, and if they can’t, they check in. It sounds like to me you are asking your partners to do impact play instead of looking for an experienced play partner. I would suggest looking more for the latter, at least until you have a better handle on what you need and can communicate it.

[taskmaster2024]

22 hours ago, inconceivable said:

I find self-reflection for me works best when I talk to others (such as this post) - it's just how my brain works. I did contact the guy I saw a few days ago and indicate I was experiencing sub-drop. He didn't know what it was. I shouldn't have assumed he did - that's on me, though.

But that’s not on you, or not completely. A good Dom reads you, and if they can’t, they check in. It sounds like to me you are asking your partners to do impact play instead of looking for an experienced play partner. I would suggest looking more for the latter, at least until you have a better handle on what you need and can communicate it.

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 12:34 AM, DarkArts1066 said:

That is one of the ways that “sub drop” manifests itself - if your mind and body are telling you that your session isn’t quite over yet.
Are you receiving aftercare from your Dom(s) ?
If so, it may not actually be the right aftercare for you.

If you are working with Dom’s that are lacking experience, then maybe that lack of experience is preventing them from assessing your needs thoroughly post session ?

Also - remember this. Some subs need an experienced Dom to guide them - others need someone who will develop their skillset and traits alongside them… effectively both learning together - and developing trust at the same time.

Only you will truely know what you personally need - and that may come as a result of trial and error (NOT in a negative way!… there is no negative here - “to err is to be human”)

Try analysing your sessions personally, and pay particular attention to the aftercare you have received - and how it is being delivered.

I have heard of one Dom who practiced impact play with a new sub, ran her a bath… made sure she got in it for a soak - and then just left. Not advisable !

Without knowing what your own level of experience and play preferences are, it’s difficult to advise further, but as with everything BadSM kink and fetish, the key is always effective communication.

I’m happy to chat if you would like to throw some thoughts and ideas around.

Good luck ..

Thank you. I think it's becoming clear I need to rethink my approach because I'm not getting what I need. The last time I met someone there was no aftercare. I've asked him and he doesn't know what sub-drop is. Although I think he'd be happy to learn, I think, the onus seems to be on me. Assessing how I feel about that. I didn't go looking for a "Dom", I never do. I look for someone I have a good rapport with. So I guess that means I may need to help shape someone into the "Dom" I need.

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 09:06 AM, taskmaster2024 said:

But that’s not on you, or not completely. A good Dom reads you, and if they can’t, they check in. It sounds like to me you are asking your partners to do impact play instead of looking for an experienced play partner. I would suggest looking more for the latter, at least until you have a better handle on what you need and can communicate it.

Yeah, I am figuring out how to tell this guy that he didn't do well by me in the most diplomatic way. He was very nervous, I think and drank too much. Which I have sympathy for, but in the end it affected me. I shouldn't downplay that .

[DarkArts1066]

9 hours ago, inconceivable said:

Thank you. I think it's becoming clear I need to rethink my approach because I'm not getting what I need. The last time I met someone there was no aftercare. I've asked him and he doesn't know what sub-drop is. Although I think he'd be happy to learn, I think, the onus seems to be on me. Assessing how I feel about that. I didn't go looking for a "Dom", I never do. I look for someone I have a good rapport with. So I guess that means I may need to help shape someone into the "Dom" I need.

With all due respect to you, you shouldn’t have to ‘shape’ someone - they should be capable in their own right. It is not your role to do that, and ultimately, it will spoil your experience, because you have ‘Written the script’ - so to speak.

I’m not trying to be negative here … just trying to help you avoid some of the common pitfalls.

Some would describe what you are proposing as “topping from the bottom”

Also - drinking and running BDSM sessions doesn’t really go hand in glove - again especially true of new - or nervous participants. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and can mask ***, so if you are drinking too, you may end up agreeing to more than you initially planned and afterwards, being in more *** - or discomfort than you expected.
Regarding your Dom, his ability to think clearly and manage the session may be compromised, so play safe (rule number one) and avoid the alcohol - or if you do indulge, make sure it is just the ‘one’ to take the edge off (and I’m not talking bottles here …!)
Also the aftercare that you receive from your Dom may not be as effective for you - or as well thought out by him. Sometimes aftercare plans have to shift or be modified, according to the subs state of mind - or physical response to a session.

[Deleted Member]

I like a reminder

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

With all due respect to you, you shouldn’t have to ‘shape’ someone - they should be capable in their own right. It is not your role to do that, and ultimately, it will spoil your experience, because you have ‘Written the script’ - so to speak.

I’m not trying to be negative here … just trying to help you avoid some of the common pitfalls.

Some would describe what you are proposing as “topping from the bottom”

Also - drinking and running BDSM sessions doesn’t really go hand in glove - again especially true of new - or nervous participants. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and can mask ***, so if you are drinking too, you may end up agreeing to more than you initially planned and afterwards, being in more *** - or discomfort than you expected.
Regarding your Dom, his ability to think clearly and manage the session may be compromised, so play safe (rule number one) and avoid the alcohol - or if you do indulge, make sure it is just the ‘one’ to take the edge off (and I’m not talking bottles here …!)
Also the aftercare that you receive from your Dom may not be as effective for you - or as well thought out by him. Sometimes aftercare plans have to shift or be modified, according to the subs state of mind - or physical response to a session.

I agree about the alcohol. I've only have ever had a very small amount at the start. He shouldn't have drunk so much. Or perhaps at all. Again, conscious of denting his confidence if I bring this up without some diplomacy. He's not "my Dom" in any case.
I don't want to top from the bottom. Never have. I'm going to keep mulling things over. Sighing inside a little!

[Se****]

12 hours ago, inconceivable said:

Thank you. I think it's becoming clear I need to rethink my approach because I'm not getting what I need. The last time I met someone there was no aftercare. I've asked him and he doesn't know what sub-drop is. Although I think he'd be happy to learn, I think, the onus seems to be on me. Assessing how I feel about that. I didn't go looking for a "Dom", I never do. I look for someone I have a good rapport with. So I guess that means I may need to help shape someone into the "Dom" I need.

I get where you’re coming from with this. I’m assuming (although I know one never ought to) that by “shape” you mean tell them what you need and/or guide them to what you need in the hope they will be able to embrace it and provide it??

Shaping someone and changing someone are 2 very different things. For example I know some of the things I need to help me feel safe and secure and ultimately be in the mindset to submit. If those aren’t in place and I care enough about the person I will try to ask for them (although I’m not awfully good at that). If that person can’t or doesn’t want to try to grow with me and learn me and make us stronger then I have to decide whether they are indeed right for me.

As a general rule I play with Doms on the more experienced end of the spectrum and as such they often have their own ways of doing things that they’re happy with. Sometimes this works for me, often it doesn’t but the ability to feel safe enough to broach this with them is a fundamental for me. Ultimately they will want to shape me in some way and I want to be shaped in order to be as “good” as possible for them but that is a two way street. It is a dance (as per my first Sir) between 2 people who care enough about each other to want to better their “relationship” and their play.

I don’t believe it’s truly possible to change someone but I do think it’s possible to meet each others needs and be shaped into the best version of yourself (Dom, sub, whatever) for that particular relationship.

Sorry for the ramble, hope it helps x