Question?

[Deleted Member]

What do I do when after care isn't really given? I'm submissive and relatively new to the scene. I've had experience where I've been punished or left in a floaty head space after a session and the dom either doesn't say anything, opts to leave, or chooses to go on their phone while I lay there getting confused and feeling weird. I had tried to voice this at the time and I was pretty much ignored.

 

I want a dom who'll look after me afterwards and speak to me to make sure everything is okay but as I've never experienced that and not given a chance when I've voiced my concerns, I'm worried this pattern will keep happening in the future

[helpinghand_256]

Aftercare is a pretty much vital part of BDSM, so if your Dom isn't giving it to you then you have to talk to them about it. If they aren't willing to provide it at all, then they're a bad Dom and you ought to get out of there.

[gw****]

Aftercare is a must, it’s so important, if they’re not willing to listen maybe reevaluate the dynamic and find someone who cares about your wellbeing more than their phone after they’ve finished playing with you.

[Ki****]

That's a huge red flag, aftercare if the other face of the medal.
Considering you seem to have tried to voice this need, you need to come to term that Your submission ain't a given right is earned he doesn't fall inline with the responsibilities is strongly recommend you change partner.

[TheBookCollector]

Have you communicated that Aftercare is a requirement?
.
Generally aftercare in some shape is required, however i have known submissives state they dont want or need after care.
.
If its a requirement for you and your partner doesnt provide it then its a huge issue and you need to consider finding a partner who will provide and cater to your needs.

[Ga****]

Time to hunt down a new dom

[yo****]

After care before and after is a must

[Deleted Member]

I tend to link aftercare to consideration.
Everybody is different and has its own way of seeing things but - and that's particularly true in case of D/S relationships - it's a key point not to feel like a mere object.
What you can do is put the stress on it and explain how you feel, or ask about how you dom feel regarding that.
I won't blame him or tell you to change - although that was my first thought - because we don't know what's in his head until we ask.

[Mi****]

As a sub, you should be able to talk about this. Unfortunately, if your Dom isn’t listening maybe you should discuss your rules for the dynamic again and make sure it’s in there (if you’re trying to keep this Dom), however it is certainly within reason for you to walk away. Aftercare is huge and should be to every Dominant. For me, it’s where I really get to show I care. Doesn’t have to be the same for everyone, but it’s my thoughts.
Good luck with your decision.

[ex****]

All aspects if the D/s relationship and scene should have been discussed and agreed to before any play happens. If you feel scared to talk to the dom about this or the dom is not receptive, you need a different partner. The Dom’s biggest priority should be your safety pleasure and comfort . Sounds like a pretend Dom to me.

[typhoon2]

I ask about their aftercare regime before I ever play with them - it's basic negotiation etiquette. If you're new to the scene then chances are that it's more Topping and bottoming, rather than D/s, so each scene should be negotiated. That includes aftercare as well as preferences and limits. The fact that he has a) failed to talk about it up front and b) seemingly disregardded you when you've brought it up infers that he's an ***r, not a Dominant. Run, don't walk.

[Bo****]

New to this myself but yeah that’s a big red flag for me the most important thing for me is having that trust to surrender yourself over to someone so any ignoring of limits and needs is a big problem.

[A_****]

As has been said, aftercare should have been negotiated before play occurred. Not everyone provides it, so having that conversation beforehand, so you can make arrangements to meet your need, is important.

[1B****]

1 hour ago, typhoon2 said:

I ask about their aftercare regime before I ever play with them - it's basic negotiation etiquette. If you're new to the scene then chances are that it's more Topping and bottoming, rather than D/s, so each scene should be negotiated. That includes aftercare as well as preferences and limits. The fact that he has a) failed to talk about it up front and b) seemingly disregardded you when you've brought it up infers that he's an ***r, not a Dominant. Run, don't walk.

Absolutely. After care should always be part of the pre-scene negotiations, especially if the submissive needs after care. A seasoned Dominant may even ask what items the submissive needs or wants as part of the care: ie, water, blanket, a hug. It varies with each person so as a Dominant, I always bring the goods.

[Do****]

I agree with all the comments regarding aftercare being discussed prior to any play.
An additional thought is have you discussed how he feels immediately afterwards. It may be that he is experiencing an immediate Drop after play.
If that discussion leads nowhere, I.e. planned mutual aftercare,
Then, as your needs are not being met or respected, I would end the Dynamic.

[Matttster]

It depends upon the situation and parties involved. I have friends that do not have dominants and go to clubs or meet with Dons for sessions and aftercare is not part of that. But it is understood at the start.

If you are seeking a Dom for a regular dynamic or serious relationship, there should be discussions about many things, including after care.

If aftercare is something you expect, make sure you discuss this before hand. Additionally, with the many types of people you may meet claiming to be a dominant, you should build some trust and respect prior to getting to the point where you have a session that would require aftercare, especially if you are in a private setting (not at a club or dungeon).

[Vo****]

I have on my profile that aftercare is a must and that it is a hard limit. It’s also a question I ask Doms before I meet in person, “what does aftercare look like to you?” I have talked with “Doms” and I use that term very lightly, who do not know what aftercare is, why it is important, or that it is expected each time… that’s a “best of luck to you” and move on. In the moment if he did this. I would tell him exactly what I need… To cuddle next to him, words of encouragement/praise, touch, etc. If he still chose to be on his phone. That would be the end of our dynamic, and a block after I kicked him out. You deserve better. There is better out there.

[mspdadbawdy]

Any good dom would ensure that you had after care. In fact, they’d have items for after care on display. I always have a blanket out and food my sub likes on the night stand because we negotiated and agreed these things would be on hand.

[Ri****]

As a rule of thumb for myself, aftercare is not just for the submissive, it is for the Dom as well. Dynamic or not getting your partner out of sub space is an honor and a privilege. It is non-negotiable and shouldn't be, especially in the more physical aspects of play where someone is experiencing ***. There is no dominance in breaking your partner down without putting them back together again, making sure they're safe and calm, that their heads are on straight and that they get home safe. I refuse to believe that there is a scenario that aftercare isn't included unless the submissive explicitly says they do not want it and even then I'd not engage because I WANT IT. Do not engage with a "dom" if they do not speak about aftercare. This is another hill I'd die on. Few things are as tragic to me as a submissive who gives to their dom and aren't taken care of in return.

[1B****]

38 minutes ago, RickardTY said:

As a rule of thumb for myself, aftercare is not just for the submissive, it is for the Dom as well. Dynamic or not getting your partner out of sub space is an honor and a privilege. It is non-negotiable and shouldn't be, especially in the more physical aspects of play where someone is experiencing ***. There is no dominance in breaking your partner down without putting them back together again, making sure they're safe and calm, that their heads are on straight and that they get home safe. I refuse to believe that there is a scenario that aftercare isn't included unless the submissive explicitly says they do not want it and even then I'd not engage because I WANT IT. Do not engage with a "dom" if they do not speak about aftercare. This is another hill I'd die on. Few things are as tragic to me as a submissive who gives to their dom and aren't taken care of in return.

I actually have a long time submissive client who loathes any kind of ‘nurturing’ after care. As a matter of fact, his version of after care is to push him onto the floor at the end of our session, and literally throw his clothes on top of him, yelling at him to “get dressed and get out!” LOL! Go figure!

[Da****]

Piggybacking on what everyone previously said. When introducing your self to a possible Dom tell them that you must have after care. If they are a healthy Dom, they will 9 times out of 10 already do aftercare or they’ll listen to your needs and do it.


As far as continuing the cycle of picking Doms who don’t do aftercare… If you have the standard within yourself and outwardly that after care is a must, you will attract the correct Doms. :)

[Da****]

Oh and if it helps to be specific. Ex: I like cuddles, food, and a bath… or I want cuddles and rubs. Etc

Start that convo in the beginning as well too.

[Ri****]

8 minutes ago, 1BlondeBombshell said:

I actually have a long time submissive client who loathes any kind of ‘nurturing’ after care. As a matter of fact, his version of after care is to push him onto the floor at the end of our session, and literally throw his clothes on top of him, yelling at him to “get dressed and get out!” LOL! Go figure!

And I absolutely wouldn't deny him that but he wouldn't get it from me. Call it whatever but I absolutely can't. Imagine biting so hard tou break skin and hold them down the whole time, letting out your frustrations of the day on someone and absolutely obliterating their mental in the process. I couldn't do it that part ain't in me. Gotta clean up the mess I made

[Vo****]

1 hour ago, RickardTY said:

As a rule of thumb for myself, aftercare is not just for the submissive, it is for the Dom as well. Dynamic or not getting your partner out of sub space is an honor and a privilege. It is non-negotiable and shouldn't be, especially in the more physical aspects of play where someone is experiencing ***. There is no dominance in breaking your partner down without putting them back together again, making sure they're safe and calm, that their heads are on straight and that they get home safe. I refuse to believe that there is a scenario that aftercare isn't included unless the submissive explicitly says they do not want it and even then I'd not engage because I WANT IT. Do not engage with a "dom" if they do not speak about aftercare. This is another hill I'd die on. Few things are as tragic to me as a submissive who gives to their dom and aren't taken care of in return.

This. Allllll of this. So well said. Part of aftercare is bonding after the experience. 🖤

[Ri****]

15 minutes ago, VoodooPrincess222 said:

This. Allllll of this. So well said. Part of aftercare is bonding after the experience. 🖤

Exactly, it's not a full story unless everyone is alright in the end. I've said my peace and hope they find someone better for it.