I’m living a lie!!

[Shykinkygirl]

Okay, so I’m looking for advice and honestly have not found the perfect place to post this because what I’m about to say is rather weird.
Okay... so... to start off I’m a 26 year old female. I’m very shy and tend to keep to myself. This is why I went until the age of 24 without having a boyfriend. Now almost 2 years in I’m head over heels for him and things are great, we compromise amazingly and like the same things. The problem is when it comes to the bedroom. I was a virgin when we started dating and have been rather shy from the get go. I can be myself around him any other time besides when it comes to sex. You see even though I was a virgin when we met I had an idea of what I liked. Many years of being alone in my room with a computer lead me to the world of BDSM and my fantasizing about being a submissive and all the kinky fun things I wanted to do once I did find someone I trusted. But then when the time came and we had sex my brain shut down and continues to every time I want to talk about sex. I’m beyond lucky he’s amazing and patient and loves me and deals with the super vanilla sex we always have. I know he wants more and so do I. He has not a clue what all I want and I for some reason freeze anytime I think about telling him. He has figured out what I like all on his own with very little input from me and tends to be the one to initiate sex most often. I know part of it’s because I am extremely submissive and want him to control what we do. I want him to completely have control over me in the bedroom but I can’t bring myself to tell him that or the million other things I’d be willing to do and try with him. Any ideas he’s had such as anal sex which although started out as a joke I think he does want to try it and I shot it down almost instantly. I’ve dug myself so far into the innocent only like vanilla sex hole I don’t know how to get out of it now. We both want more excitement in the bedroom, I don’t know to what extent he would go to and at this rate I’ll never know. So any advice on how to go about telling him would be great. I’ve tried being drunk, getting high and being super horny to the point I hoped it all just rolled off my tongue. (Of course these were all tried after the normal trying to sit down and talk about sex with him) I’m just at a loss and I’m getting frustrated with myself and I’m sure he’s getting frustrated with me and our sex life even if he’s not showing it. 
So any legitimate non rude advice would be appreciated.

[Deleted Member]

Write a list, however long! You need to communicate your wants and needs. If you can't speak them, write them! Get your fella to write a list too. Compare notes afterwards! :)

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, Laurah said:

Write a list, however long! You need to communicate your wants and needs. If you can't speak them, write them! Get your fella to write a list too. Compare notes afterwards! :)

I fully agree with @Laurah, but this requires you to be able to talk to him and arrange for the two of you to do this. I would suggest as a first step, play out the scenario in your head of what you want to say (this is optional though), and then write it all down. Give him your thoughts written down to open a dialogue, and _then_ you can write lists of likes *and* dislikes. Good luck

[sub_lime]

Maybe start with writing a letter for him? I am really bad with words but when you write them down, you can hand him the letter or burn it or hide it for later. That way of thinking took a lot of weight off my shoulders. :)

[PranksterBtch]

You could watch a movie with him to start the conversation - maybe The Secretary or Preaching to the Perverted.  You deserve to experiment. 

[Deleted Member]

I completely agree with the others that a letter or something like that might start a conversation. Perhaps you have a particular kink toy, fuzzy handcuffs, a simple blindfold, maybe the entry level rope hogtie set, some eatable panties... wrapped in a gift box with the letter. You got this Girlfriend! Maybe leave your favorite bdsm site up on your computer screen.

[Li****]

I used to have a ex who was super shy at communicating what she wanted in bed. The way we worked it out was talking about it through texts and WhatsApp. That way she didn't feel too pressurised to give an immediate answer, and had time to think. Maybe communicating this way might help for you guys :)

[PixieDust]

Whether this is constructive help or not I guess only you can decide......read back at what you have written,  its all there, your desires, your ***s, your needs etc...........you have already made the leap by putting it down in words and often that is the first step in moving forwards........so my suggestion would be to share what you have written with him, perhaps show him the post or simply print it off or write a similar version of it..........your words are already there, trust them and I honestly think by doing so, it will open a new line of honest and open communication.  

[Wi****]

Yes I agree, you've written it here, and for us,strangers, to read, I'm not sure about showing him what you have put on here, how will he take that, you've told strangers before him, but writing for him to read, ie, txt message, even email, or good old pen and paper, you need to do it for yourself mainly, because I know it will drive you mad if you don't, that's why im bald, lol, good luck.

[Deleted Member]

Could you put yourself in another mindset ? Agree a safe word then use role play to deliver your needs! Even a blindfold makes it almost anonymous, but one way or another you both need to communicate! Face to face or through the typed word is irrelevant just do it, the first step is the hardest because what you will find is he probably has all the same needs and desires

[Deleted Member]

Talking about what you want in the bedroom can be so hard. I didn't have sex until 25 and also struggled to explain what I wanted. I have to close my eyes. I sit there next to him, close my eyes and talk about a fantasy without focusing on telling him. I focus on the words I want to say and let them flow. But if my eyes are open and I'm more fully present I can't. Maybe that can help you. 

[fcumslut]

My boyfriend and I use my play word babygirl. And he takes control in the bedroom if he calls me my name then I know it's the vanilla sex lol. I didn't know how to tell him . So we watched a movie and I watched his reactions to the movie.. his face and his dick 😉. Then I would comment .. he was very excited I wanted to submissive. He was never a Sir to any other girls but when he tried it he loved it . Now when I'm not in the mood.. he demands babygirl and we both enjoy .. 

[Briandmills]

Write out a list (letter) and possible expectations. Once the subject has been breached it will get easier.

[Vandalslut]

I can only add what all the wise ones above are saying - write it down, write a letter, write a list.  It's awfully hard to say these things sometimes and you sound as if you are shyer than many women your age.  Like fcumslut, my Vandal Lord didn't know he was a Master either, per se - but he started to give some hints; such as the way he held me during sex - so in the end I just handed him a length of rope, kissed him and said, "You want to, and I want you to." Easy as that. He loves it.  So do I.  I wish you the very best of luck - it's a great trip and the most liberating and loving thing you will ever do for each other.

Edited October 27, 2019 by Vandalslut
Accidentally posted before finishing