Sub with IA-RS and AA-A

[SirsLilMousey]

I want to talk Insecure attachment (IA), Rejection sensitivity (RS) and anxious arousal anxiety (AA-A)for a moment.

Sirs back has been playing him up a lot lately so it had been over 2 weeks since we had last ✨played✨ and I was going more than a little stir crazy. Admittedly I struggled with it when I know myself what it's like to have a bad back.

But I'm the kind of person who needs to hear on the daily that I'm wanted, I miss him when he's not being a pervert with me you know?

We literally went from 2/3x a day to nothing and I've really struggled some days with not playing. I have IA-RS (Insecure attachment - Rejection sensitivity) so in my mind the lack of playing and verbal affirmation of hearing that he wanted me meant to me that he was starting to lose interest in me when obviously the reality of that was he was just in *** and hurting to much to think like a horndog. I also have AA-A (Anxious arousal anxiety) (both diagnosed by a licensed physiotherapist) so the anxiousness from feeling that he didn't want me anymore did nothing to help because I just ended up even more so needing to play because I have spent the last 3ish years (prehim) feeling so anxious near enough all the time that I struggle sometimes to tell the difference between feeling anxious and feeling aroused so when I say I struggled hard I mean I really struggled hard with the sudden time out over the last 2 weeks.

Do any of you ladies (Or subs) struggle with either of these things? How do you reassure yourself when you are up against these challenges? Of course I communicated with him over the 2 weeks about it but I need to deal with the feelings of him rejecting me when he isint.

I am in therapy but my therapist is off for another week or two before I see her I believe. (I am unmedicated for my anxiety, don't want meds)

Have you read anything? Listened to anything? I would love to hear about what has helped you.

Thanks in advance xx

[Th****]

Hello. I'm a sub. I can totally relate. I had this one person(man) and he took me under his wing. He showed me that no matter the obstacles I face in this world, he was there for me. Why? Because I came out to him. I was very attracted to him. But once we parted ways, it was like my heart had sunk. Stay in there. It gets so much easier and so much better. I listen to podcasts and music. Pop danthology Mashups to help me reminisce on my younger days back when I was in high school and everyone was just finding and discovering themselves. Hope this helps. You're a survivor!!!

[na****]

I Always feel rejected. I didn’t know these weee conditions until I read this. I think I have ALL of that I just kinda tell everyone I’m like tinker bell and will die without attention and if I’m not getting the attention I need from my daddy then I will find it elsewhere which may be a bad mentality but I need validation bc I feel so unwanted and ugly all the time. I’m going to research all of these and if I read anything interesting I will let you know!

[Ju****]

I have never struggled with these things personally nor would i say i have an explicit understanding but what i do know is whenever i have ever had problems with either myself or my partner it is always okay to ask for reassurance and have a conversation of understanding with them so they can understand what you need and how to take care of you even when they arent necessarily in the mood it seems uve done that a bit already but the more u talk about it and constantly receive reassurance the better it will be in the future... At least i hope so good luck on your endeavors i hope i helped at least a little

[or****]

Wow I love to give attention that's my biggest turn on making me personally I'm with feel totally awesome

[tu****]

I had no idea these were actual named things but I feel it too. I crave praise and attention. I have no suggestions but I'm commenting here to follow the discussion.

[Fe****]

I have already struggled with similar feelings. It cost me a lot of wasted time, effort, and really nice people that I have scared away from my life. There is no easy way out. You gotta rationalize your feelings because you are seeing things through some distortive lens. You have to learn how to figure out in which ways you have got your impressions distorted so you can say what is reality and what is fantasy. It will take you a lot of time. However, you know you have a real problem. Knowing it is the first step. You are already seeking professional help, which is what I think you should do. I don't think anybody other than a really good professional can help you. Sometimes, not even a professional can.

[Po****]

That’s a terrible mix. I suggest you do the typical “something you can see”, “something you can hear” “touch” and “taste” method of focusing the energy. Helps to ground you as well as clear the chaos in your mind.

[Al****]

My dom has written out rules for me to look at on a daily basis..one of them specifically is to cater to my insecurities and rs. It says somthing along the lines of "Daddy loves you,and isn't looking for love" I realize it's different situation.But I feel like having the written out affirmations from my Dom is a big comfort and help.

[Li****]

I've not read anything on the subject. I do deal with feelings of needing attention and regular confirmation from Daddy. The times he's outta pocket for work or personal reasons, I struggle with my moods because I'm missing everything about him. I'm missing everything he gives me...emotionally, verbally, mentally and physically. I get anxious and can't get out of my own head, even though I know, all is well between us. A few months ago, we had a really deep discussion about my wants and needs. He shared, too. Hearing that he needs me as much as I need him, hearing that he misses me as much as I do him, hearing that he experiences a change in his moods, too ...really calmed my mind and heart and all the chaos I feel when I don't receive his attention and validation. Since then, when I'm struggling with the anxiety, I think about and go back to see, read or listen to all the ways he's shown me his love, attention, affection and desires.  Re-reading messages, listening to song links he's sent, watching his videos, looking at photos...it helps me adjust my mindset.  It's not a complete fix but it's enough for me to settle down the feelings. 

You know what the issues are and you're already receiving professional support,  those are huge steps. You're not alone. 🤍

Edited April 7 by LilSassyLilSweet

[AC****]

Sounds like probably have BPD..

[he****]

I have IA and I can tell u from my experience in these situations we just have to remember its not about us its about them, and if u try turn the anxiety into compassion its a very liberating feeling. Plus it does wonders to the bond if u can turn the hyper arousal/stir crazness into acts of service for the time being. Think about it like an investment, when sexy time returns it'll be much tastier

[ma****]

Your needs are valid and any Dom who is with you will work on meeting your needs.

I need physicality, I need attention, I need approval and confirmation from a Dom when I'm in a relationship with one or when I vet and date someone. If a Dom in unwilling to give me those, then he isn't the right person to me.

May I ask why isn't there any more play? What are the reasons? I could understand if there are medical reasons, but, if it's just excuses, then that's not acceptable at all.

[Ba****]

Sounds like you may have BPD. I get it. I have it as well. Honestly, I've been on the right meds for about 3 months and it helps so much. Consider it, honestly. It's a game changer.

[qu****]

Thank you for raising the subject. I think a lot of people struggle with feelings like these, and subs even more so, I suspect.
I was told by someone that I could deal these issues in two ways - either by therapy, or by finding a man that could cope with my emotions and make feel completely secure.
I managed to do the latter. He existed and I found him! I feel loved and protected absolutely all of the time. When issues arrise he meets them with patience, sincerety and comfort. The relief of finding myself in a position of safety and at the same time bring in Dom/sub relationship is huge.
I understand very well that it isn’t easy. Hang in there sweetie

[Sa****]

I would suggest looking into somatic emotional grounding techniques. The premise is to get your emotional experience out of your mind and into your body.Each emotional reaction to anything in life is your body sending you messages about its nervous system. Learning how to regulate your nervous system can and will be a bit of an exercise. Once you've acclimated to knowing you can regulate it will change your entire life.

[Br****]

Attention is the most important thing that a dom can give a sub. It's important that a subs needs are met, and that they are emotionally and physically satisfied.

[ce****]

Nervous system regulation, brain dumping in a journal- write  ‘dear diary’ style, or rant and cuss or just channel thoughts - it helps get you out of your head. Do some unshaming work to avoid shame spirals. I have anxious attachment and unshaming work changed my life. David Bedrick on IG is who I trained with. Also, ultimately, you need to learn to find that love and validation from within. We all have masculine and feminine within us so get chatting and flirting with your inner masculine- he’s there it’s just most of us don’t know it!

[SirsLilMousey]

12 hours ago, ACE_Knighted said:

Sounds like probably have BPD..

Yea I have felt like I might have undiagnosed bpd for a while now but you know what it's like with tik tok these days everyone is trying to self diagnose etc but I have been looking into a lot of stuff I can relate too in that category

[SirsLilMousey]

9 hours ago, maryioni said:

Your needs are valid and any Dom who is with you will work on meeting your needs.

I need physicality, I need attention, I need approval and confirmation from a Dom when I'm in a relationship with one or when I vet and date someone. If a Dom in unwilling to give me those, then he isn't the right person to me.

May I ask why isn't there any more play? What are the reasons? I could understand if there are medical reasons, but, if it's just excuses, then that's not acceptable at all.

Just he's had a bad back these past 2 weeks and it's in my rules I'm not allowed to play without permission and I had asked but obviously I got told no because if he's not playing then I'm not playing either it's a together thing. Since I posted this though we have played twice and I did end up getting a few smackies x

[SirsLilMousey]

6 hours ago, BabyBoyLuke1982 said:

Sounds like you may have BPD. I get it. I have it as well. Honestly, I've been on the right meds for about 3 months and it helps so much. Consider it, honestly. It's a game changer.

Yes I feel like I might have it too but sometimes I worry that it's in my head

[SirsLilMousey]

2 hours ago, omaha1965 said:

Attention is the most important thing that a dom can give a sub. It's important that a subs needs are met, and that they are emotionally and physically satisfied.

He does usually but these past two weeks he's been preoccupied with the *** he's been in which is understandable obviously

[Lo****]

Staying detached to outcomes helps me alot. I remind myself that the reason I love being a sub is simply to love being a sub. That cannot depend on whether my Domme approves of me personally or not. I try to give them the space they need when they need it because I'm just here to serve their needs. When my needs are met from my own approval, their approval simply becomes an added bonus - not a need of my own...All the best ✌️.

[Bl****]

Sunday at 07:13 PM, SirsLilMousey said:

He does usually but these past two weeks he's been preoccupied with the *** he's been in which is understandable obviously

I'm disabled and everyone handles *** differently but when I'm in *** I like to cuddle, the touch sooths the ***. Is he not giving you attention much in general or just no playtime? If it works for you maybe try adopting more of a caretaker vibe rather than being a sub with an inactive Dom. 💙

[ra****]

I get that so much💕