Am I selfish?

[si****]

Is it selfish for me to not want to have penetrative sex, after your partner offers to give you oral?

I wasn’t expecting to have to give anything return since it was a offer on their part, and we had a discussion yesterday about my
Sexual needs being non existent lately. So I already laid down I didn’t want to have sex, but when they offered oral I expected and they got mad when I told them no to the actual act of sex.

[Wi****]

You're gonna get a lot of replies from white knights.

The fact of the matter is that if you and your partner have different libidos and different needs, that is a conversation you two need to have, possibly with a trained professional third party, not one that you share with a kink-focused public website.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, WittyThrowaway said:

You're gonna get a lot of replies from white knights.

The fact of the matter is that if you and your partner have different libidos and different needs, that is a conversation you two need to have, possibly with a trained professional third party, not one that you share with a kink-focused public website.

What he said

[draspab]

I doubt anyone would say that you are selfish. Considering the fact that you two had a conversation about it before they offered to perform oral on you, I would argue that the only reason they offered is to probably convince you to change your mind.

[SO****]

It's never selfish to decline sex if you don't want to have sex. It's absolutely your right to decide what you want to do. 

I'd wouldn't enjoy the idea of having sex because you felt it was  an obligation. 

[Deleted Member]

I do think you should try and reciprocate. What’s the point of you guys being in a relationship if sex is being used as a weapon.

[Ar****]

Absolutely not.

You laid down a boundary. They tried to coercively sidestep it through an ingenuine act which was about seeing to their own wants under the guise of them doing something for you.

It isn't about reciprocation. It isn't about compromise. Your partner could have approached you and asked how you would feel about penetrative sex if they gave you oral first; they chose to try manipulating you instead, and that they then got mad about it is cause for concern.

Your body. Your rules.

[Deleted Member]

I wouldnt say its selfish because its your body, your rules and no means no. I had a woman I was dating so that to me and I asked her if she could lay next to me and watch me get myself off. While I was doing it we started kissing and it lead to more😏
Morale of story is he might need to use 4play to get you in the mood again

[Ma****]

It is your body and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. However maybe you should be asking yourself why you don’t want to participate in fulfilling your partners sexual needs. While you are doing that maybe also ask why you are coming into a BDSM focused forum to discuss it.

[Or****]

No, in that case, it’s Not selfish… If you have a partner, y’all should have a firm understanding of Likes and Dislikes, and open honesty. So if you already said you didn’t wanna fuck, they shouldn’t expect you to, just cause they Willingly gave head…

[Or****]

Plus, giving head should be just that, Giving… It should be given out of genuine desire and passion. Not as a bargaining chip for something else…

[Shilo66]

6 hours ago, WittyThrowaway said:

You're gonna get a lot of replies from white knights.

The fact of the matter is that if you and your partner have different libidos and different needs, that is a conversation you two need to have, possibly with a trained professional third party, not one that you share with a kink-focused public website.

If you're still "into" your partner, apart from the sex and this sexual dry spell you've mentioned, then the above is pretty sound advice.

However, if you feel that you're not so "into" them anymore, or, your affection for them is waning, then you need to have a big, honest conversation with YOURSELF about whether the relationship should continue. Because, this may possibly be the reason you're not so into the sex side of things at the moment.

It happens. We've all been there, one moment they're the love of your life, then, for a variety of reasons, suddenly they're not and /or you just don't feel "it" for them anymore.

You're only 18 years old, you have time on your side, so there's no pressure for you to try and land "the One" just yet. 

Edited April 13, 2024 by Shilo66

[RB****]

Not keen on the ‘white knight’ comment but the sentiment of seeking therapy and advice is wise. Your partner should be respecting a No as a No whatever the situation though.

If you or they start with oral or any act and then you decide you actually don’t wish to go further, yes it may feel frustrating for them but a No is a No! He can relieve himself and you can talk through it if and when you’re ready. No one should feel obligated to perform any sexual act against their will.

[ey****]

yeah the 'white knight' comment was completely inappropriate - but the rest is sound

that, basically

you'd agreed what you would both do sexually and then it was changed.  nothing more needs to be added from that side - but - if you do have a partner unsatisfied then the two of you need to sit down and work out what you can both do, or are both willing to do, to solve this. 

[Cu****]

No, you’re not being selfish. You, are in charge of you, and you have all the reasons under the sun to choose what you want to do with yourself. If you’re in a relationship with someone, then both parties have opinions about what they’d like to experience. There’s a compromise where the two sets of opinions begin to overlap, and these are the sharing points in the relationship.
You quite rightly say that you’d discussed, just the day before, about your sexual needs being non existent lately. It would seem that even though you uttered words, which you felt explained your situation, your partner either didn’t listen to or understand, otherwise why did they seek to bend your comments to their advantage?
There are some men who consider that everything to do with sexual penetration is just a physical act, done on a whim, because that’s what it’s like for them…an urge and a release. Even though you might now find it difficult to have a further conversation with your partner, is there a way of opening up further as to why you feel your sexual needs are currently non existent? Whatever your feelings are, your partner has completely ridden roughshod over you, and acting completely selfishly. Surely, they should have understood that you didn’t want anything further after their performance, and should have been able to accept your further insistence. Far better that he should have had a much deeper conversation and asked if you would like to talk more, and that he should place himself in a position to help, through listening and then beginning to appreciate that, at the moment, there’s nothing that he can do to try and persuade you differently…because that’s what his action/offer was attempting to do. Point scoring, is not acceptable, neither is entitlement. The resultant anger, is a sign of petulance on his part, and a seeming inability to either accept or understand you. The actions he displayed were immature. Acting like his shoe size, isn’t attractive.

[Hy****]

Whether you are or are not being selfish is largely irrelevant. If you were, you’d still be allowed to say no. They’re mad you weren’t making a trade you didn’t agree to and placed value in a service that they implied had equal value to a lay. You didn’t hold that same value. That’s your right. The world is full of pitchers and catchers and many of us prefer it that way.
.
Now let’s say, for the moment you HAD agreed to it after and didn’t deliver: STILL your right to say no. I have a TPE and sometimes my subs are just in bad headspaces. My muscling through it generally isn’t a grand idea, but I don’t pick partners who don’t say no as a bid for not being willing to reciprocate. I also don’t get mad if they do, but I also don’t stay.
.
I do find it kind of, maybe not disingenuous, but an indicator that your willingness to have head but unwillingness to have penetration does signal a way that you feel about this guy. His anger, while not very useful, may be an indicator that this guy is picking up something that you haven’t to acknowledge about how you feel about sex or this person (or dick in general). It’s not my place to say, but it sounds from the outside that your sex drive is not the real issue here.
.
I don’t think the white night comment was completely unwarranted, because I think maybe we were expecting this topic to be a lot more toxic than it was. It’s good to see it wasn’t.

[1B****]

That’s why negotiations are important beforehand. No false expectations, no surprises. No means no. Discussed and determined prior. Period.

[Galactus82]

Yes it is to be fair, I know it's not give to receive, but the man will have loved giving you oral and would of been so turned on by seeing you satisfied and would of wanted to make you even more happy with full interiors and then he's been let down. 

[da****]

I think it’s selfish to withhold sex from your partner without given oral , for how long it takes to satisfy your partner’s needs and isn’t a hard task it should be done anyway

[Deleted Member]

I think you should’ve either reciprocated or turned them down.

At the very least, you should’ve been very clear upon accepting that this would not be reciprocated.

[si****]

To make it clear, I’ve already been very clear in my intentions, for the last two days I’ve made it a clear boundary that I am not willing to cross. He offered and I accepted, but I never offered to do anything in return. I typically try to please him even when I don’t want to. But this one time I got mine and he didn’t and he was livid. I think my stance on it has been clear since he’s tried twice and my answers remained no.

[Gl****]

Like you are done for a while after oral or done for the day? How long does this no penetration thing last? Could the guy come back in like an hour and your good? Is this an all the time thing for you? Would a guy have to act like he’s horrible at oral on purpose just to get in there? Have so many questions 🤣

[Gl****]

The answers is more yes than no to answer your question. Nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes

[Hy****]

19 hours ago, daddio99 said:

I think it’s selfish to withhold sex from your partner without given oral , for how long it takes to satisfy your partner’s needs and isn’t a hard task it should be done anyway

Not gonna lie, Big “people owe me sex “ chud energy in this comment. The 60s want their marriage vows back.

[Deleted Member]

Here's why I think that you should've repeated your statement of "there will be no penetrative sex" after they offered you oral sex: some people will not fully negotiate a trade at the time. Yes, even if the previous day they heard a "no" on the thing they wanted.

To my mind, you were put in a "too good to be true" situation. If someone is offering you something that seems oddly selfless in context of previous negotiations, it's wise to restate your position. Whether they're conscious of it or not, they could be trying to either seduce or guilt the off-limits sex act out of you by making you feel that you owe them.

Some people hold to negotiations as though karmic law was behind them, other people feel that silence or omission equals consent if such boundaries aren't constantly stated - no matter how recently they heard them. 

Was it selfish of you to assume that they would honor your boundaries the next day, no matter what they offered? No. Possibly naive, but not selfish.