Communicating my needs with my partner

[Blknails]

I am 42yo female, married to my 47yo husband, almost 20 years. 4 kids. I’ve been in my sexual prime for about 9 years now. Sex is all I can think about and is all I want to do. These feelings have lead me to explore more of what I may like, which I learned recently is BDSM. So I’m still a newbie myself in this space. 
 

my struggle is: I have purchased the bed restraints, the flogger, expressed my want to my husband that I want to be the submissive. But our sex just ends up the same things over and over and in the same order. Everytime, and I’ve become bored. 
 

how can I better communicate to him that I really want this? I have been respectful of his boundaries and asked him straight up if he’s at all uncomfortable or what he wants, but I’m met with what feels like him being shy and his walls go up. I’ll ask him what he likes and it’s usually very little conversation or it’s “I don’t know.” 
 

how do I get this man who I love so much to open up to me and understand that I want to be his submissive? I’m ready to take this relationship to the next level of excitement and I really want to do it with him.

[Ge****]

Doesn't sound like he has that Dom level you are looking for... at least yet. Maybe try some porn with what you like and show him that it really turns you on

[whitetrashtrucker]

As crappy as it may sound, maybe tie him down and just show him what you have thought about. He may honestly not even know what he likes, or he may know but is too afraid to express it because he might not be fully ok with what his brain is telling him to enjoy.

[xK****]

So, I'd like to introduce a YouTube BDSM instructor Morgan Thorne. She does amazing videos on introduction into impact play. I'm going to assume your husband is walling up because he doesn't know where to start. Morgan Thorne has a video for literally everything you can think of.

[Deleted Member]

He just doesn't know what to do or is scared to hurt you or just doesn't like it. If he was interested he'd do it. If he wanted to please you as a Dom would, he would research. You need to discuss your options with him. That you can find someone else willing and able.

[Am****]

Communication is hard at the best of time. Why doesn’t he comply? Think of it from his side. Dose he work a physical demanding job long hour and is tired at the end of the day? He still nice enough to give you sex which he may not be in the mood for but will do. Dose he view it at being overly ***ful and maybe harmful wards you?. Yes men will view it as ***fully rude and morally wrong even with you asking/ begging for it

[Am****]

Dose he trust you to say stop when he going to fare befor your hurt mad and unhappy. If you married 9 years it sounds like you guy get along and trust and respect each other. Also is this a need or a want from you. Maybe try to talk about if he would be ok if you had a trustworthy play partner

[Erin1989]

I'd start with knowing what your limits and narrow down what you'd be willing to try and try to incorporate things that he would like (after being married so long you must know what he likes) so if I were you, I'd start small. If dirty talk is a thing he's into start with that. If you know he's into masturbation, get him a discreet sex toy like a masturbation sleeve that vibrates. Just start with little things and branch out. If you're into toys, get some and ask if he'd like to watch or join in with a dildo or vibrator. The important thing is to make him realize it's no big deal to talk about sex. You've had 4 kids and if they were all born naturally, he's probably seen worse things lol. Just keep reassuring and baby steps. Maybe you leave a diary full of kinky fantasies about stuff you'd like him ND you to do left out where he'll see it but always end each bit on a disappointing note because you'd love to share it/try it with him but he keeps putting his walls up. If all else fails, there are sex therapists out there whose job is literally to facilitate discussing these things. Never give up hope. Wish you all the best

[MissTakenDeep]

Are you sure he’s being ‘shy’ or is he just really not into what you want? It’s really not everyone’s thing and if you’ve been together this long without him showing any signs of dominance, without him ever attempting to strike your bum while he has you bent over etc.. then it might really just not be what does it for him.

[AKA_Copper]

1 hour ago, whitetrashtrucker said:

As crappy as it may sound, maybe tie him down and just show him what you have thought about. He may honestly not even know what he likes, or he may know but is too afraid to express it because he might not be fully ok with what his brain is telling him to enjoy.

Advocating for non-consensual activity?

[whitetrashtrucker]

14 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Advocating for non-consensual activity?

Really that's what you got out of that? There married so I kinda figured it was implied that they would have a discussion of what she wants and so she can show him what she wants like don't put my name in the non-essential activity together in the same f****** sense because that's disrespectful as f***

[AKA_Copper]

23 minutes ago, whitetrashtrucker said:

Really that's what you got out of that? There married so I kinda figured it was implied that they would have a discussion of what she wants and so she can show him what she wants like don't put my name in the non-essential activity together in the same f****** sense because that's disrespectful as f***

"As crappy as it may sound"
"Just"
Were the red flags. You acknowledge your thought is a terrible idea, but suggest the OP goes ahead and does it anyway.

[MissTakenDeep]

Don’t know why it’s not letting me reply to specific comments..but, Whitetrashtrucker, I read it the same way as copperknob. You literally told her to tie him up and show him what she wants, advising he might not be fully ok with what his brain is telling me but he might enjoy it anyway? You never once advised she discuss this with him to see if that is ‘how’ he’d like to explore things. Then to get abusive because that’s pointed out to you? Maybe you need to re read the post and reconsider the advice you’re giving to newbies.

[Deleted Member]

I’ll never understand being shy about communicating your kinks to a partner who is literally asking you to share. It’s like they’re serving up the keys to the house in a silver platter, just take them ffs

[Sp****]

The keys to the house don’t really matter if you don’t want to live there.

[Deleted Member]

The one person none of the comments has really addressed is the husband and his "kinks". Does he have any? Is he into bondage and/or impact play? If he hasn't displayed any Dom-behaviour, is he rather submissive? Would he be more comfortable being dominated than dominating himself? Is he more into ABDL? Would he rather watch his wife being active in cuckolding? Does he need *** and ***? Could it be that he's strictly plain vanilla? The latter is not a crime, just maybe not compatible with the OP.

My feeling is that the OP approaches the issue(s) from her vantage point only. At least for the time being. That's okay as long as she begins putting herself in his shoes as well. The most important, in any type of relationship, kinky or not, is open and regular communication. That's key and will in all probability lead to a solution of many underlying issues. My 10 cents.

[Ri****]

Have you tried to break it down into small steps? Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing but might go for a bit of it. This would serve as experience to work on communication.

Are you open to his needs? You’d need to find agreement to be good for both sides.

[Sl****]

There’s a very real possibility that he has some childhood traumas or was raised in such a way that those types of behaviors were/ are unacceptable and it may trigger him. he may not even understand why. Take your time try to be extremely patient or even talk to a sex therapist.  navigating this challenge with each other can make things stronger between you.  be careful not to let some horny and or angry individual give destructive advice possibly destroying the beautiful life you two have built.

[Deleted Member]

I realised that I didn't reply to the OP's main questions in my previous post. I was in a similar situation around two/three years back. My wife and I have been married since 2004. I was into BDSM from childhood on. Well, I didn't know it was BDSM back then, but in hindsight it was. But I was too worried about societal norms and rules that I suppressed my dominant sadistic urges to the point of self denial. That situation prevailed through the early phase of my first marriage and after two kids the built up pressure was too high to be contained any further. I opened up to my first wife and discussed my needs with her. To make a long story short: it didn't take long and we signed the divorce papers. Soon after, I married again and initially our life was good and exciting. We built some BDSM elements into our sex life, however, I wouldn't say it was full blown BDSM. After some years, I started to withdraw, as I was clearly lacking the level of BDSM I needed. When my wife asked me what was going on, like the OP's husband, I didn't address the issues that scratched my back. Until a day when we had a serious discussion and we both slammed the baggage we've been carrying on to the table. It turned out that we realised that she was/is more submissive than she led on and was happy to submit to the extent that we live in a D/s-dynamic and enjoy bondage, discipline and impact play. The two of us have come to realise that we should have opened up to each other completely so many years ago already. We would've had a lot more time to enjoy our kinky side! I repeat what I said in my previous post: open and regular communication is the key to a couple's happiness, whether plain vanilla or in the lifestyle.

[Un****]

You are wanting him to be dominant but also wanting him to bend to your will. That's why he's not telling you what he wants. Because you already laid out your needs and expectations. You set a goal for him to meet you at. You have basically established that his wants and needs are not good enough. He knows that if he tells you his needs are vanilla, that you will be disappointed because you already established that when you set the goal posts.

He deserves someone who appreciates him for who he is. Not what someone wants to mold him into.

[2f****]

Communication is the greatest thing ever

[ri****]

I agree with the general sentiment of the comments here, the key is in the communication, but you need to be prepared for the very real possibility that this just isn’t what works for your husband. There’s a great mnemonic for consent called FRIES (freely given, retractable, informed, enthusiastic and specific) and if your partner isn’t showing all of these things, then, in my personal opinion, it’s not an activity that you should be engaging in.

From the description you’ve given, it sounds like your husband is doing the things that you’ve asked because you’ve asked, rather than because it’s something that they genuinely want to do. This means that the lack of openness on their side could quite possibly be because they are aware of your wants, needs and expectations but worried about the potential consequences of saying that they don’t want to fulfil them.

If this is the case, there needs to be a serious and open discussion about how the relationship should progress in a way that works for everyone, whether that’s exploring things together at a slower pace, discussing the possibility of opening the marriage to accommodate your needs, realising that your relationship with your partner means that you can’t delve deeper into kink whilst in that relationship, talking things through as a couple with a sex therapist or any other available options, but there needs to be a lot of give and take on both sides with the pressure and expectations being removed as much as possible because only then can both sides be truly honest.

Again, this is just my personal opinion but would be happy to discuss my own journey more via DM if you wanted to

[Bi****]

There is also the possibility dude is just tired all the time. You guys have FOUR kids. That guy must be working his a** off. Work and sex both require energy - especially for a Master. Remember that he has no choice but to work. He has to have energy to work. He may be using all his available energy with his current taskload. Asking him to embark on a next level quest may be unrealistic no matter what either of you want.

If my assumption is correct, and he spend most of his time working, he is spending all his time and energy on work. I would weigh everything you think about his reactions against his work, not against you, communication, sex, or anything else. I would ask him about his work. Find out everything that is frustrating him. Only after he has unloaded about his job and all the assholes he has no choice but to deal with day in and day out you can start communicating about sex.

People in past generations did not expect to have a good sex life while they’ve got kids still at home.

[Deleted Member]

Further to my previous comment and after reading @BitcoinBrandon 's comment, I wondered whether your husband, who seems to be the sole provider in your marriage, gets sufficient acknowledgement, maybe even praise, from you for what he contributes, for the energy he puts into "keeping the engine running". More often than not many issues stem from one of the partners' feeling of being taken for granted, of their contribution not being properly acknowledged. Even if you think you do, he may not feel like you do. I know this is not really BDSM related, but may give your husband an incentive to open up, to talk to you about what drains his energy so much, that he isn't capable of investing more energy into your relationship.

[ey****]

I kinda hate to do the "what if it was the other way round" 

But a question on how the question would be answered if it was a guy who was discovering he was into stuff his partner seemed reluctant to try.

I think there's also been quite a lot of assumptions made about the relationship in the thread, and some more context would be needed.  Like, between them, they have to work and run a household and raise four kids (of ages not revealed) - and unless there is an uneven workload they're *both* going to be tired.

But still.  

A sad reality may be that what you want is not what he wants.  And, as much as this sucks, he is under no obligation to bend to those whims.  What you both do about this is conversations you need to have together.   Of course, questions about what turn him on, what he would be interested to try, if he still has a sex drive as high 

This is a conversation which could go one of multiple ways and might not get the answers you want and that is something you have to then decide what to do about.    But it could be you have a conversation about what each other wants and can find some ground to work with.  Or, well, so many other scenarios - some more positive than others.

Equally, "I want to be his sub" what does that even mean?  Like, if there's specific things you want to try in bed or in relationship then being more specific can be less daunting.