Approaching a Domme

[Deleted Member]

Approaching a Domme

Whilst I may not necessarily be the industry expert, as a woman who's received an inordinate amount of messages on this site, and still am receiving, I have some qualifying experience.

And I think a lot of submissive men could use a little refresher course, not only on message etiquette, but their place in the D/s dynamic.

So, welcome to my attempt at enlightening you.

By reading this and following the practices I suggest, you'll not only be saving my eyes, but the eyes of countless dominant woman, from going into spasm after continually rolling when we open our inbox.

A key thing to note is that I am writing this out of love, for myself, my fellow Dommes and you, so if I sound patronising...well, you'll just have to get over it.

The Problem

Before I can give you the treatment, I have to give you the diagnosis.

Whilst introducing yourself is considered a polite thing to do on first approach, the key thing I think that some men do wrong is make their first message all about themselves; their wants, their needs.

So many messages I receive all have one thing in common, every single sentence starts and is centred around "I."

"I want to explore...I want to be trained...I want...I want...I want"

Which seems, to me at least, to be a massive indication that you really don't understand what it's about to be submissive.

While kink and sex is and should always be fun, and to do that, both partners needs should be discussed and fulfilled; the nature of being submissive is to submit, to serve. To understand that in this relationship we are about to embark on, that I am the primary, the one in control, the one whose desires are to be realised first and foremost. And through realising my desires, we are in turn, realising yours.

Yes, it is wise to tell me that you're new to the scene and because of that you want to explore what it's like to be submissive, but why on earth would that alone make me want to engage with you?

To ask a Domme to train or engage with you is to ask her to invest her time, her energy and her kink into you. And to even merit a response, let alone herself, you need to give her a DAMN GOOD reason to do so.

The Solution

So, if I consider the problem to be you making your message all about you, then it would make sense that to solve it, it should be made all about her.

Rule Number One

In your first message, refrain from telling her all about what you want from the relationship, and instead tell her what you can offer her from making you her sub.

It should come as no surprise that women on this site tend to get inundated with messages from men. So, if you want to ensure that yours doesn't get at best, a snarky response, at worst, instantly deleted - then talk about how you can fulfil her needs, not how you want hers to fulfil yours.

Because the last thing a Domme wants to feel is as if she's just an accessory for you to use to get yourself off.

Treat this as a sales pitch. Why should we buy?

Rule Number Two

Read the woman's damn profile. If we've put in the effort to write a bio, then you better believe we expect you to put in the effort of reading it.

The best way to earn some good will, is in your first message you reference a part of our profile that resonates with you, you find interesting, amusing, or even that you think we'd be compatible on.

Even a fetish we've listed that you really want to help us out on...

It shows that you're not just treating us as a cookie cutter way to get your rocks off, but that it is us and our specific style of domination you are interested in.

Which leads us to...

Rule Number Three

Don't copy and paste. Boy you ain't that suave, we can all spot a copy and pasted message from a mile off.

If you're going to serve me, I want to know that you can at least put in the basic amount of effort to type a personalised message - otherwise what kind of sub are you going to be?

Also, if you don't even think that I'm worthy of your time to write said message, then I'm afraid that we aren't going to get along.

Rule Number Four

Another handy hint, is to not have a picture of your dick as your profile picture. That shit should stay in your pants until told otherwise. Whilst they have their uses, I'm sorry to tell you fellas, but most dicks aren't that aesthetically pleasing.

Moreover, it's a matter of respect. I'd rather not see a dick when I'm eating my cereal and perusing my messages - and as you've seen fit to invite yourself into my messages, let's think about how you're leaving me without any choice but to look at it. Instant delete.

Rule Number Five

If you've not received a reply to your pimped out message, a respectful follow up message a few days later is well within reason to send.

What is not okay is constant pestering.

One of the luxuries of being a Domme is that we can make our terms, and you then submit to them. Trying to *** us to turn our attention on you by clogging up our inbox is one of the easiest ways to get an instant block.

So, that's my lesson over with. Hopefully you'll all be good little boys and do your homework.

(Not my writing, taken from elsewhere but posted here in response to the idiot messages I receive)

 

Jinx

Credit & thanks to sophie_amour for her words

[ey****]

extremely valid and extremely important.

the only sad thing is about sometimes is those who probably really should read this, probably won't... but putting it out there is the main thing  

[Maid-Francesca]

Hi Jinx, this is a very important message. Any potential sub who wants that kind of attention should take full note and respect. Sometimes it can take hours and sometimes days to get the message right if it is absolutely what that sub wants when seeing the mistress of their dreams. A message that has that conversation starting elements to it will be key to getting a good response from the person you message. A mistress isn’t a piece of meat you just throw yourself at when you say ‘dominate me’ you read what they enjoy most and if you enjoy the same or similar things - or if it’s a first time, be willing to be open minded and submit fully to those desires of that mistress. Your lesson is 100% accurate in my eyes and people should take note 😀

[Qu****]

This is quite possibly the best post I’ve read for a long time Jinx. I get messages almost daily with men telling me what they want from me and that they want to be dominated. 99% of them don’t even do me the courtesy of reading my profile properly lol. One guy called me a jerk because I asked him to re-read my profile as he’d clearly not even looked at it 😂 Not a good start 🙄

[MistressTinaCDTV]

Very well said, as a pro dom CD TV mistress, I get the self obsessed male subs telling me what they want me to do to them, it doesn't work that way, if they get the opportunity to meet me, then they get told what they are to do.

[Deleted Member]

Absolutely one of the best things I have read on here, thank you jinx 💙

[Deleted Member]

Thank you jinx. Think it’s about time we also stick to these rules and pop the delete button c

[LazyPirate]

This can also work really well in reverse too (particularly when messaging about what you can deliver as a Dom to a potential sub based on their profile description) and also realising that the potential is there that you are just not what the other person is looking for (my messages if I have some interest in potentially pursuing something with someone, are always signed off with something like ‘I realise I may not be what you are looking for and if so I wish you the best of luck in finding what you are looking for’).

[Deleted Member]

I always politely greet her in the proper manner, using a title. Like mistress, lady, miss, or other. I briefly introduce myself as a chatter and roleplayer, and offer her to fulfil her desires (only virtually though, since I'm just a chatter). Then I add the final question: Would you like to have a talk?

My main desire is feeding on her feelings, I just want her to be satisfied. I never tell her what to do, it's always her decision. I aim for a free fun, and I consider it impolite to demand things from a dominant for free.

[MistressK_CAE]

This is an excellent piece. I get so tired of having to read inappropriate messages. My time and energy is limited, and I’m sure this will apply to other Dommes. Another thing I find tiresome is those who contact me wanting an online Mistress. I want to hear and see the result of a thwack on a bare arse! Yes there are some things you can do with a regular sub over video chat, but I am a one to one sadist. Enough of my little rant. Subs/slaves need to be a lot clearer about what they can offer and not persist in demanding “ I want” Thanks for the post MistressK_CAE

[smokerjim]

Is a moderator or admin available to pin this to the top of the board (apologies if it is, I clicked through from my news feed)?

I've never sent an unsolicited dick pic (I'm not comfortable sending solicited ones either, because most genital images, especially the self shot variety are aesthetically disturbing), but I am very guilty of the "I want, I need" syndrome 

(Please remain calm though - I have not managed to elucidate in my own mind what I hope to experience from this site, and if I ever do, I hope to use the advice above)

[Deleted Member]

Thank you Jinx!!

[SparkySparks]

This is very helpful, thank you so much Jinx!

[Carnelian2]

Just read through it, smiling as I recognise a few mistakes. Us men, attachments and all, are fallible, and thank you for taking your time to write this. I cannot promise that I will always adhere nor be perfect but I can try. Thank you again

[Rhodie3691]

Thank you very much for taking the time to compile your very informative message. It’s great advice for someone like myself....thanks again.

[Mi****]

Brilliant Jinx. And respect to Amy_amour too. One of the single most useful and insightful pieces I've read on here in a very long time. Couldn't have said it better myself!

[Phoenyx]

On 1/5/2020 at 3:22 AM, Jinx said:

So many messages I receive all have one thing in common, every single sentence starts and is centred around "I."

"I want to explore...I want to be trained...I want...I want...I want"

It isn't just the men.  I have received similar messages from women.  I have to give them the hard-line response of what I expect.  That's usually the last that I hear from them.

On 1/5/2020 at 3:22 AM, Jinx said:

Read the woman's damn profile. If we've put in the effort to write a bio, then you better believe we expect you to put in the effort of reading it.

This one goes out to certain Lady Dommes.  Please (I'm being polite) read my profile, before asking me to be your slave.  Really?!  Did you even read so much as the first sentence?  If you're lucky, I'll just ignore it.  But, if I'm in a mood, I may send a sarcastic, smart-ass response, that will likely put you off your breakfast.  "Go ahead, make my day!"

[Carnelian2]

Interesting; The hard-lined response of what a Dominant Lady wants would probably earn instant respect and confirmation that she is the real thing. 

It is difficult, though, and as much as I try to read every word in detail, I usually get the odd bit wrong. ..

I do love the approach, though..

[qwertytothemax]

As a male submissive, I find this post rather interesting. I always saw submission as a way to make the Domme's life easier, not a way to get myself off, which should only be a reward for making her happy anyways. "Making her life easier" would include household work, being a driver, etc, but nothing sexual unless she explicitly says so. A submissive's happiness should come from making a Domme's/Dom's life easier and less stressful. I find it funny that there are "subs" out there that have demands for a Domme, almost like they are trying to control the relationship from the bottom, which sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just my two cents...

[MistressK_CAE]

Thank you qwertyothe max. I think the key words are “making her life easier”

[qwertytothemax]

MistressK_CAE, isn't that the entire point of submission? 

Submission - The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior *** or to the will or authority of another person.

I take this to mean that subs revoke any say to their kinks or wants. They should only do this if they are truly ready to submit to a Domme, and accept that their day-to-day lives might not, and probably won't, consist of sexual actions, but rather a consistent effort to support the Domme they submitted to. If they can't make the comfort of their Domme their number one goal, then I don't think they understand the term "submission".

[ey****]

I just wrote a blog post called 'ask not what your Dominant can do for you... ask what you can do for your Dominant' - and that's the simplest mantra.

But, of course, there's reasons within there why they are your Dominant (NB: a foot rub and someone to drive you places are ten-a-penny) 

[MistressK_CAE]

Thankyou qwertytothemax, you make your point succinctly. I do hope others who are looking to submit find it helpful

[Deleted Member]

Amazing advice thanks for sharing. That is amazing and thoughtful advice to share.

[Carnelian2]

It is an interesting conversation. I am following other on-line groups and went to the Femdom Munch last night in London. The conversation was around "male entitlement" and the fact that we men sometimes can be seen as demanding what is done - when in fact, the whole premise of Female Supremacy is just that. She calls the shots and we happily oblige, or respectfully decline if a limit is reached.

Great thread!