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Nickikitty

Forced to be Dom?

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Nickikitty
Posted

Hi Im new here but I mostly came to ask a specific question about something I might be experiencing. I've been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and we've gotten into fairly heavy bdsm. Im very submissive and that's all I've ever been interested in but about 2 months after we started dating I found out he was switch and I was fine with that. I didn't think It was going to effect me much but I figured I'd try out being dom just to see if we liked it or not.

Since then I feel like I've been dom about half of the time and I've always been uncomfortable with it. I never get turned on by it but he seems to really like it ( a little more than when I'm sub). Most people tell me they would assume I'm dom and my boyfriend has said this too, which also makes me dysphoric and frustrated with myself sometimes to the point of tears. The other night we were about to have sex and then he switched on me but I felt bad that I'd gotten him turned on so we started to have sex with me being dom. I wasn't really turned on (or wet at all)  so it actually hurt a lot and eventually I told him he could get off now and he said he'd like to keep going if thats okay.

This is kind of a regular thing and it seems kinda dumb cause I was dom and I could have just pushed him off and stopped without even having to use a safe word or anything but afterwards I just feel so gross and  uncomfortable. Is what I'm experiencing my fault?  Should I just expect him to want me to be dom because I look dom? should I just not succumb to the pressure to be dom even if that means not having sex? Is this consensual if I am being persuaded into it? Is it even possible to be a non-consenting dom? What should I do to not feel about saying no? idk someone help me

Posted
BDSM most important component is: Communication. If you do not like it say it, if you want to stop say it, if you are uncomfortable say it, otherwise BDSM can turn for the worse into an abusive relationship, speak up, be open to the outcome whether it is a mutual agreement and further understanding of each other or the realization that BDSM is not for you as a couple, as a person, or furthermore, you should speack about the entire dynamic of you as a couple. In my own humble opinion, no amount of love justifies doing things you do not like for someone else on a regular basis. Cheers, love and light.
  • Like 1
Posted
I agree with fiction this. Bdsm is based around being safe, sane and consensual and there should be total communication, all the time; no hidden feelings, otherwise the partner doesn't really have a true picture or understanding of you. Have you sat down and both openly and honestly talked through your joint desires, needs and fantasies? Have you tried to agree on common areas that are acceptable to you both? If you have a switch relationship, do you have an agreed word for when switching can happen? How do you agree on who is in which role? Your partner was really being egocentric when he wanted to continue and you didn't. By suddenly switching, he took advantage of you, so that he could have what he wanted. Your feelings didn't seem to be important to him....and they should have been. Chat more, if you'd like more help.
  • Like 2
eyemblacksheep
Posted

It's important you are both happy with relationship and play.  That "as my sub I am telling you to do this to me" is fair, within reason - and if you're not enjoying it then this side needs to be turned down.

It is maybe possible you could insist to minimise play where you are Dominant towards him and that if he has submissive needs or fantasies then perhaps he could explore with someone else again within reason. 


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