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HELP, please. New and scared.

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I fucked up...big time. 

Okay this is going to be super long but please hear me out... I also want to apologize in advance, I know ignorance is not an excuse... 

Here it goes: I am a virgin, 23yo, curious about D/s, definitely sub. I cycle through intense curiosity and too afraid to do anything. So a while back I started a profile on a site much like this one, I did nothing with it. About a week ago I got a friend request and I decided to take the plunge. Nothing is going to change unless I start right?

I sort of fell into a D/s relationship, only it's way too much... for me at least... So many rules. Constant contact, all the time dirty talk, etc. There are periods where we talk about normal things but... I'm pretty sure it was somehow me who initiated the relationship. 

At first is was exciting and dirty and new, but it's all wearing off and I'm reading more into BDSM and I just want to leave, Take a breather you know? I know I'm already pulling back from him but I feel like shit because it's like I've been leading him on this entire time... I've started lying to him about following some of his orders...I know this is all wrong but I'm so lost and scared right now.

I'm terrified of what my reaction was to the first person who showed interest in me, I had no profile when he sent the friend request and I do believe he has no ill intent. I'm terrified of hurting him, I hate emotionally  hurting people. We haven't met face to face yet...

This is honestly the first 'relationship' I've ever been in. I've never done the online daring thing and I cannot talk to anyone I know about this because I'm not 'that' girl... I'm starting to feel ashamed rather than excited...

What do I do, I can't believe I've become the type of person who strings someone along like this... weather you believe it or not I hate myself right now for getting into this situation. 

  • Like 4

Quoting you

"At first is was exciting and dirty and new, but it's all wearing off and I'm reading more into BDSM and I just want to leave, Take a breather you know? I know I'm already pulling back from him but I feel like shit because it's like I've been leading him on this entire time... I've started lying to him about following some of his orders...I know this is all wrong but I'm so lost and scared right now."

Tell him you need a break, a rest and time to sort out how you feel and what you want.

He should understand, that BDSM is stressful and it varies widely. You can always return to BDSM lifestyle later.

Your already lying to him, tell him the truth, you feel better and he will in time.



  • Like 5

Sometimes you have to tell a dom the truth. You can't lie to them or well you should not as they can tell you are lying or evading.

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never lie in D/S relationship, its about trust. Just tell him now and you dont have a contract anyway, you only start a training few weeks ago...
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Hey fellow newbie sub. You sound just like me. I too got roped into this lifestyle by a man I hooked up with 5 years ago. He contacted me and we had this online D/s relationship. At first it was exciting. So outside my comfort zone and I so wanted to try it for real to see if I could even though I was petrified but 4 months later, still no meet (he lives abroad) and to say I got bored was an understatement. Damn right I lied to him like when he was 'training me for ass play' and he'd tell me to leave it in for an hour. 4 mins more like as it hurt. In an ideal world the Dom would be with you, push your limits and give you aftercare. I sent so many pictures as every day he'd want to see something but it became same old. In the end I begged him to let me go as I wasn't getting anything out of it anymore. Yes I lied. Bite me but I'm sure Doms lie too. All I'm saying is don't beat yourself up about it. He's a big boy and so what if you don't want to pursue it with him. Just tell him it's not your thing and move on. If he's an experienced Dom he will move on unless he's the stalker type. This lifestyle is stressful for a newbie sub. You constantly question yourself but don't worry. I think, like me, you want to explore. He was just the wrong Dom for you. It's no big deal and don't feel bad. I'm sure a Dom wouldn't hesitate to tell you if you were not compatible. Just look around and keep dipping in and out of it. So you lied. So what. Online BDSM is not good. I don't like it as I need that one to one contact in the flesh. Head up girl. You are so not alone. Just tell him goodbye and look for a Dom you're compatible with. It's no different to Vanilla relationships. I'm classed as a bratty submissive so I need a strict Dom as most I've spoken to online are so easily manipulated and dance to my tune. You've done nothing wrong.
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I'm not pretending to understand the in and out of a dim/sub relationship neither have I any experience. I do understand that there are guidelines that apply but even so nobody has the right to make you do something that you don't want to do. Pushing you outside your comfort zone is good if you both agree but everyone has limits. As a newbie you need to start gently at anything. If I were you I'd explain how you feel and see what reaction you get. If he is worthy he will understand and make things easier for you. If he doesn't then he is not worthy of having you. Just because you are submissive it doesn't mean that you should lose your self respect or your human rights. 

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Posted (edited)

Thank you all for your advice, I'm going to try to respond to it all.

yes it was just online

I started a message to tell him I needed space but the mire I typed the more I felt i just needed to cut it off completely. I feel like I need to know more about BDSM and learn exactly what it is in looking for in a Dom before I can find one for me. 

Unfortunately it hasn't gone well. He's responded badly in my opinion, I'm going to throw in a few quotes. I may be over reacting to some of them but his overall tone is childish and pushing, in my opinion. I keep getting messages that start out innocent enough but turn into a thinly veiled throw at us being together. He says he wants to be friends but keeps talking about 'someday' and trying again, it makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to think about someday with anyone I want to focus on finding me as a sub...if that makes any sense.

He keeps using the pet names he used with me earlier. I was willing to give him a chance at friendship but I can't do it with him acting this way. I've told him to stop contacting me but his possible reactions frighten me a bit, we know where eachother work...

Sample of the conversation: I'm including everything for the sake of transparency.

Him: And were you ashamed because it started in a D/s place or because it started online?(context- I explain in a second but it had to do with my inability to talk to my mom about this, weird as it sounds I tell her everything and she would have no problem with the BDSM just the 'relationship' and how it started/ progresses)

-Just trying to understand in hopes that maybe we can try again

-Some day. I know you're not ready right now

Me: Okay so I'm not replying right away because I'm at the vet, give me a minute.

Him: Okay. Hope everything is okay

Me: It's fine, just getting a prescription.

-More so the online bit but really neither. It went way too far way too soon and I let it happen.

Him: We both did. We can start over if that would make you feel better. I really do care about you (my name)

-Like I said, maybe we can stay friends and chat through email when I'm on deployment and see how things go?

-Maybe we can meet after my deployment and things will be better?

Me: Please stop, you keep saying friends and you keep hinting more.

Him: No, I really want to one day have more, but I am happy with friends for now

Me: I cannot make any promises or guarantees. You're really pushing my limits right now, if I have to I will completely stop all contact.

Him: I'm not asking for promises. Just friends. I just wanted to be open on my hopes. Wasn't trying to push. Like I said, friends is great

Me: We'll see.

From there it was a lot of questions, like he didn't want to stop talking to me. I gave him short answers. I.e. what kind of games do you like? Mostly Indi. 

Then a little while ago he sent me an image with the quote "Don't be afraid of being outnumbered. Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together." He said he saw it and it reminded him of me, I didn't respond. Finally the last four messages:

Him: Hope you're resting by now hon. Sleep well. I'm sure you're tired

-Are you gonna email me on deployment honey? What's your email so I can send you messages?

Me: You need to stop, I'm seriously done with your thinly veiled hints.

-I've tried explaining myself as best I could but I'm putting my foot down. Please stop contacting me.(there are two giant messages from me to him trying to explain myself, before the above posted conversation. I don't mind posting them but I'm not sure you would want to read them.)


Part of me is afraid he'll find this and it terrifies me...but I need to know what exactly I did wrong so I can avoid it in the future. 

Edited by Anothername
  • Like 1

There are Doms, and wanna be Doms, just block him and forget about it, he's obviously very pushy and clingy and sounds like he falls into the 'wanna be' category! 


Think of yourself, it should be enjoyable for you too, and you should be made to feel safe, no threatened! 

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its very important to communicate with your play partner. I take days and weeks talking, chatting with them. This is where you see the potential problems. Someone asking to do things too quickly, asking for pics etc. You need to be precise about what you want, so make a list first about yourself and the person you want to submit to. A list of what you intend to do, try, and the never do it. 

Now for these one, my guts tell me its a fake, not a Dom! hes a whippet and just forget about him. A real Dom would have already left you, we dont bully or be pushy. You dont connect with him anymore so its hopeless. Delete his account or his contact from your phone etc....

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Posted (edited)

Get away from him.


Block and delete your email address if you need to.


For next time make sure u create a new email address for contact w this person so u can delete it and leave and be safe. You owe this person nothing and I think this person sounds unsafe.

Here are free services (or mostly free) u can use for communication so u can create new aliases, etc. The first 3 below are VERY secure, very anonymous. Otherwise u can use good old google & outlook for new addresses but they mine your data.

Sudo (has iphone app.) Free up to 3k messages per month, some calling free. Msges and calls w/in country sudo app to sudo app are free.

Tutanota.com Very secure email-can create 5 aliases.

Kik.... don't get pressured into video chat though.

There are others.

There are good people online, plus unsafe people who want to take advantage or abuse. D/S can be a form of play and u have the right to revoke your consent at any time. REGARDLESS OF DOM/sub/committed partner etc you have the right to revoke consent at any time. 

i'm This person sounds unsafe. Cut off all contact. This is a common problem for newbies. Even if u feel desperate there will be other good people out there, don't settle but even more so, don't put yourself in danger or at risk of abuse.

You don't even know this person-he might not even be who he says he is.

So you played and got involved, it happens all the time, do NOT feel guilty or obligated. AGAIN, you owe this man NOTHING.

Edited by Katya
Added sentence
  • Like 1

Okay, after my last message to him he sent me a bunch of messages apologizing and asking what he did wrong. I read his messages, told him goodbye and promptly deleted his contact I formation and blocked him from contacting me. I also deleted my profile on fetlife, there was nothing there anyway. 

Thank you all for giving me the strength to do what was right for me. In the slight chance another newbie is reading this learn from my mistakes.

I am not giving up on finding my perfect Dom but I am definitely more wary of the search. For those of you who care, I don't plan on dropping off this website but I might not be active constantly because there are things I need to think about.

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Take the time that you need and when your ready do some research in the the D/s relationship, the BDSM community promote four pillars (Communication, Trust, Honest and Respect), these are required to build and maintain any type of relationship. This also applies to the relationship with yourself and this the hardest relationship anybody has.

You have done nothing wrong, breath deep and silence any guilt within yourself. 

As you said, you need time to think about things, take it. It is your right and it is your life to live as you choose. 

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There are any amount of dickheads online. It's a good idea to explore things safely in real life by going to something like a fetish fair or market (some people recommend munches but they are...variable in quality and usefulness).

I don't know where you are (no need to tell me obvs) but if you are in London/Bristol/Biringham or can easily get to any of those places, there are monthly markets that are a really, really good low-pressure way to make friends and learn stuff.

And take this thought with you for future reference - it's ABSOLUTELY FINE to tell someone to fuck off and leave you alone, or to end a relationship, no matter how subby you feel and how dommy they claim to be. Kink is a GAME that is supposed to be enjoyable. If you're not enjoying yourself, you don't have to keep doing whatever you are doing.  Anyone who starts talking about contracts and collars on the first date is either a laughable loser or a nasty bit of work.

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I'm in San Diego CA. I've been trying to find some local munches or other casual gatherings but all I'm finding are clubs that require membership and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I really want to explore this world and this side of me but I'm now terrified of messages out of the blue and fetlife. I have no idea where to start or what to expect.

Is initial contact with a Dom usually very sexual and a lot of rules? I can't remember exactly how our first few messages went but I do remember it seemed to be almost immediately sexual and he started talking about meeting and future things a lot. However he kept saying how it wouldn'thave been for a while or when we're comfortable meeting in person. I don't know, it's hard to explain how I felt.

On another note I've gotten a bunch of books hopefully they'll help. 

-The Loving Dominant

-The New Bottoming Book

-Leading and Supportive Love


-Learning the Ropes

-Playing well with Others

-Conqor Me


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Speaking as a Dom myself and reading your posts and the posts of other about your situation, it sounds like you met someone who was more of a stalker and rather desperate and needy sexual predator as opposed to a genuine Dom. So I am not surprised his behavior towards you has both frightened you and scared you somewhat.


Initial contact with a true Dom is never or at least rarely overtly sexual in nature unless dealing with brats who love to tease a dom, daddy or master in this way.


There may be some light flirting, but speaking from my own experience, I would rather take my time to slowly get to know a sub, slave, baby girl etc, before engaging in any overtly sexual chat.


The three most important things in any budding relationship or D/s arrangement is consent, honesty and trust. Consent cannot be demanded, it can only be given and should only be given after building trust. Honesty at all times is the only way to build trust or form a trusting bond and this cannot be rushed, demanded or controlled. It takes time, care and effort to win anyone's trust particularly in the kink world. Anyone who tries to put you into or force you into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or fearful without your consent to do so, is probably a dangerous person to put your trust in and should throw up red warning flags to distance yourself from them.   


Take this as a good learning experience and chalk it up to being another bit of experience in your journey. You now know what kind of attitudes and behaviors from a Dom you don't particularly like and so this should help you to narrow down your search to find a Dom who deserves you and your submission.

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I will defo agreed with Robustlove. If the guy, I cant call it a dom, talk about sex starightaway just leave it. Sex is not the first value of bdsm. 

Communication is the first one. 

I dont mean to be rude but books is not really the thing. Its start from you, knowing you, ask yourself questions.

Feel free to message me privately or maybe Robustlove if he agree and we can assess exactly what you are looking for. Some stuff you might not want to say openly here.

And as its on my request here, you cant at any time if you are not confortable with me to report me here! but I am 100/100 it wont happen.

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I'm in the UK, hopefully some US members will be able to help with details of events etc that are good for newcomers and not too demanding.

Books are actually quite useful, but they are not everything. Another key thing to remember is that there is more to kink than the DS aspect, and plenty of people like to have fun, try stuff out etc but have no interest in 'lifstyle' stuff. When you're new, it's usually best to play around and try things - and generally, anyone who wants to go straight into a DS relationship with you is likely to be a creep or a loser and best avoided. Most people who do that sort of thing successfully and enjoyably are aware that a) it takes time to get comfortable with someone and b) it's a GAME. It's not real. You can back off and walk away at any time.

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MadameZ gives some great advice about playing around, testing and trying things out to see what you enjoy, what you don’t and where you may have soft or hard limits when it comes to certain types of play or toys. The fact that you care and take enough interest in the kink world to read some good books on the subject will only help you to find your feet and increase your confidence; not only finding a play partner whose interests suit yours for but also in your interaction and communication with other’s in the kink community, be they Dom’s, subs or anything and anyone else. As a far wiser lady than me once said “knowledge protects, ignorance endangers”.  


FabSeverus has offered to help guide and talk to you in a more private way if you feel uncomfortable talking about your likes and dislikes openly and I would certainly recommend chatting to one or two Dom’s as well as subs who can offer you some tips, advice or guidance in a more private setting. You may find it useful to ask for some help in this way from any of the people who have already replied to your postings such as MadameZ. It may also be helpful for you if you contact and communicate with a Dom from another country or part of the world who would be happy to take you under their wing as nothing more than a friend.  That way you will always have a trusted Dom who’s advice, care and nurturing will help you to navigate your interactions with anyone you meet or contact more locally with a view to meeting and can help support you through your introduction to the kink world.


The thing that really helped me when I first started getting into the world of kink was meeting a very helpful and caring Dom who took me under his wing and allowed me access to his subs to chat to them and find out more about the world of kink from many perspectives. The more you talk and chat to various people, then the better you begin to understand not only yourself and your own desires and fantasies, but also the desires and fantasies of others and what may or may not be expected of you.


I’m always happy to help anyone, Dom, sub or otherwise who ask’s for help and there are many others like me on the site who’s experience you can yoke to help you on your journey.  

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Any experienced Dom worth his salt wouldn't have put you in this situation in the first place. Simple as that.

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Hi everyone, sorry to dig up and start kicking a dead horse but...

The guy I was talking about found me on Facebook. I know it's not a hard thing to do when he has my name and where I work still, shoud I be concerned? He sent me a message request and I subsequently blocked him but I'm worried he might show up where I work, is that something I should worry about?


I think you need to head up to your local police station and speak with a female officer about your problem. This guy is a stalker and doesnt sound healthy. I dont want to scare you but you need to have some precaution. How far is he from you? Any messages from now on shoud be kept or saved. 

And next time please, do not give your real name or phone number. Nothing from your private life. Keep it separate like a different one. 


I'll don't know where he lives exactly but I do know it's the same city. I never gave him my last name or phone number. But I'm sure he got my name from Facebook, I don't post any personal information there but you never know what one will find. Speaking with the authorities will be a top priority for me now, thank you.