How to Deal with a BDSM Break-up

They say breaking up is hard to do, but what do you do if your Master or Mistress suddenly dismisses you without warning? Our Molly offers up four top tips to one Fetish.com member who is struggling to come to terms with what happened when he was dismissed...

Dear Molly,
I'm having problems moving on from my Mistress who dismissed me earlier this year. Although enough time has passed to make me feel that I don't wish to serve her again, I can't help but pine for her. I felt my dismissal was harsh, and there was neither prior warning nor no second chance to redeem myself. I respect her decision, but it felt cold. As someone who meant a lot to me for a long time, I still wish for her to be happy, but I often struggle with bitterness. I know I need to let go, but I don't know the best way to do so. I've enjoyed time with other people since then, so there's a good basis for other relationships to form, but I don't want my inability to 'let go' to hold me back.
A. Breakup
 

Dear A. Breakup,
Break-up's, no matter the circumstances, are always hard but I think they're even harder if they come as a surprise to you. Often the other person has made a decision and has had time to sit and accept that before they tell the other person, which means the other person is playing catch-up. As a result, the person (you in this case) ends up feeling that what had happened was cold, harsh, and is left feeling abandoned. It's possible that the other person never anticipated that happening or they didn't deal with it well, but either way, your feelings are entirely valid, and you should not apologize nor feel bad about them.
 

Step 1: Processing your emotions

Firstly, it's important to allow yourself to feel emotions. Your feelings are valid, and the best way of dealing with them is to acknowledge what they are and look at why you feel the way you do. You're within your rights to mourn your Mistress and what you've lost – it's an integral part of the healing process. Not going through that step can result in you never getting over what happened – leaving you with feelings of resentment or bitterness.

You mention feeling this way, so I wonder if perhaps you've permitted yourself to grieve for what you've lost? If not, then I think you might want to allow yourself to feel some of that sadness and accept it as part of the healing process.  
 

Step 2: Resolve to let go

It can be easy to focus on the things you feel were unfair or handled poorly, then subsequently lose sight of any of the joy or happiness that the relationship brought to you at the time. Focusing on happy memories and being grateful for the positive things the relationship bought to you is a proactive way of helping banish those negative feelings. Also, looking at this break-up as an opportunity for you to learn, grow, and have other experiences with people will allow you to move on from sadness, which is risking holding you back in new relationships. 

Step 3: Forgiveness

Forgiving someone can be tough, but it's one of the most liberating things you can do when it comes to letting go of the negative emotions you're feeling. However, this also extends to self-forgiveness, as it can be easy to beat yourself up about the break-up and what happened.

BDSM break-up? Don't turn your back on yourself

It's always wise to look at what part you played in the relationship, including the end of it, but it can be all too easy to blame yourself for what happened. “If only I had made them happier/been a better partner or submissive, then they never would have left me” are mostly unhelpful and often unhealthy thoughts which only serve to trap you in a spiral of negative thoughts. Forgiving yourself and the other person for what happened will help you to let go of the pain and sadness you're experiencing.    

Step 4: Connecting with new partners

The most important thing is that you get to a place where you can start connecting with new people and not have your feelings about this past relationship cloud your thoughts. And while being honest with new partners is a good idea, you don't want the break-up to be the most important thing about you, or indeed, what you lead with.

“Looking at this break-up as an opportunity for you to learn, grow, and have other experiences with people will allow you to move on from sadness.”

It's OK to tell someone early on that your past relationship ended abruptly, and while you've moved on and are ready for new things, you also know that it has made you cautious, and you're telling them so they can understand why you might be a certain way. Anyone unable to understand that and appreciate your honesty isn't someone you would want to be with or able to fully trust anyway. 

I wish you well with your healing. I genuinely believe that giving yourself time and being kind to yourself is so very important when it comes to stuff like this. Allow yourself to feel and process, forgive and focus on the happy memories, and you will come out of this happier and stronger.   
Good luck,
Molly x
 

Gone through a bad break-up? Got any tips on how you came through it? Give a helping hand to other kinksters in the Fetish.com forum 

For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum. 

 
Cover Image: model released from shutterstock.com/Jesus Cervantes