Premature ejaculation can be an embarrassing – and distressing – condition that many men face at some point in their lives. However, there are techniques to combat it. Our resident advice guru Molly shares her top ideas for one reader to try.
 

Dear Molly, 
My partner and I have started exploring an open relationship. So far I’ve not met anyone else but my partner is exploring with another man and having a good time. I am happy for her, but for reasons I don’t really understand I’ve started to suffer from premature ejaculation when we have sex. This is not something I have ever experienced before. At first I just thought it was a one-off in response to her telling me something sexy she did with her other partner, but since then, it keeps happening. My partner has been supportive and understanding but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed by it and have even found myself avoiding having sex. Do you have any advice on how I can deal with this?? Thanks!
MalcolmG

 

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Dear MalcolmG,
Firstly, congratulations on the exciting explorations you and your partner are undertaking. It seems like for the most part it is going well however clearly the premature ejaculation that you experiences is not an ideal situation and one I can totally understand you wanting to fix.

 

What is premature ejaculation?

The exact definition of premature ejaculation is one that remains under debate, but basically it’s said to be when a man orgasms sooner than he or his partner would like during sex. The defined period of time is approximately less than 2 to 3 minutes.


There are two types of premature ejaculation. Primary premature ejaculation is when you’ve always had this problem and secondary premature ejaculation happens if you’ve developed the problem more recently. This is the type that you’re living with. 

 

Secondary premature ejaculation

Secondary premature ejaculation can be caused by psychological factors, but it can also be caused by physical factors such as drinking, drug use and injury.
 

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However, it can also be caused by other health issues, including inflammation of the prostate gland. So, my first piece of advice is that you really should check with your doctor that there is not a physical cause for this change. If the doctor discovers that to be the case, then there are relatively simple treatments that will fix the issue. 
 

 

“Secondary premature ejaculation can be caused by psychological factors, but it can also be caused by physical factors such as drinking, drug use and injury.”

 

If, however, the doctor gives you a clean bill of health, then the likely cause of this change is psychological which can be a little more challenging to fix. The doctor is likely to want you to explore other options before potentially giving you medication to combat the issue.  

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Come undone? Discover ways to combat premature ejaculation

 

Premature ejaculation: tips to beat it

One of the main things you can try to combat symptoms of premature ejaculation is to masturbate 1 to 2 hours before having sex with your partner. Obviously that does not allow for very spontaneous sex, but whilst you are working through this problem it’s worth trying.


Does the fact that you have reached orgasm recently allow you to carry on longer during partnered sex? If so, then maybe increasing the amount you masturbate and even the amount you have partnered sex might help.


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While you’re masturbating, work on both physical and mental aspects of putting off your orgasm. Taking a deep breath shuts down the ejaculatory reflex and so timing that right can help to postpone the moment of climax. Also tugging on your testicles is reported by many men to also help them stop coming.


Also practise distracting yourself, so that when you feel like you might be coming, switch to thinking about something unrelated until the urge has passed slightly. You can also purchase numbing creams and gel that will help with desensitization and can help with prolonging sexual intercourse. 

 

“One of the main things you can try to combat symptoms of premature ejaculation is to masturbate 1 to 2 hours before having sex with your partner.”

 

Indeed, there are lots of options available and so it is worth doing research to find ones that have worked well for others. You can also talk to your doctor about this solution as they might be able to recommend something. Working on things when you masturbate will make you feel more confident when it comes to trying them with a partner. 

 

Things to try with your partner

You can clearly use many of the techniques I’ve suggested above during partnered sex, but here are some additional ones to try:

  • Using a thicker condom can be helpful to decrease sensation, enabling you to last longer during penetrative sex.
  • Your partner being on top can also help as they can be more in charge of the pace and rhythm and makes it harder for you thrust. They can also pull away if you’re close to coming too quickly and therefore remove the sensation temporarily. This kind of play and experimentation can actually be a lot of fun and take the pressure of you to be in control of your orgasm. 
  • Finally, it might also be worth considering therapy – especially if none of the other solutions have any impact. Both individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this situation. 

 

What you think matters

Which brings me onto my final thought. You mention that you believed your issue with premature ejaculation might be related to your partner telling you something sexy she had done with her new lover. 


You’ve also said this has started since she started seeing someone else. I’m wondering if maybe you’re actually very aroused by the thought of your partner with someone else, so much so that it’s causing you to come sooner than you would normally?


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I think it’s worth considering this as an option and that actually you have unwittingly uncovered a new fetish or kink for yourself. If the thought of your partner having sex with someone other than you is arousing to you then I think this might be the cause of your premature ejaculation. If that does turn out to be the case, then I think exploring that kink openly and honestly with your partner will not only be exciting and pleasurable, but will also lead to a solution. 


Good luck!
Molly x

 

For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum
 

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Image shutterstock/Hananeko_Studio

 

  • Like 61

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Ki****

Posted

Fantastic advice. I have an issue where I was conditioned by my ex-wife to cum faster. She liked and took great pride in being able to make me cum fast. It always bothered me and she never acknowledged that it bothered me. Now I am having to find a patient woman that will help me retrain myself to last longer. I know this is all a mental issue. I just need to break myself out of it and the loving hand of a good girl for this Daddy will help tons.

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GeneGrey

Posted

I would first to make sure that this is the only symptom you’re having. Other symptoms could include bathroom issues, a discharge, burning sensation when peeing, painful ejaculation, and etc. this could be signs of a bacterial infection like UTI.

Also, make sure you’re keeping yourself well-hydrated throughout the day. Clean your penis well daily especially if you’re uncircumcised. Also, try not to hold, use the bathroom ASAP. The longer you hold going the risk of getting a bacterial infection increases.

I would also pay a visit to see a urologist. They handle these kind if issues. They’ll give you medication to treat the problems or help to come up with a solution.

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Posted

Yeah ! What arnhem961 said!! Thank you for that! All I could think of was how sad for the female If he ever hooks up with one . I'm glad I'm part of that 98 % ⁷that struggle to excite a Man because im ugly at least it would be over quick and could grab my vibrator that's got more heart⁹0

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Gudboidaniel

Posted

I want y'all to remember these comments when you try to say anything about a woman on her period. Keep your mouths shut

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ar****

Posted

Gender only puts her at a disadvantage for not experiencing PMEJ first hand. A man would be no more qualified if he never had PMEJ either. People can give advice, based on theories and studies in the world. You don't have to "own" a gender to be a guru on a topic. It's called education and development.
.
Must be fun to not prioritize your partner's priority or want the best for her. Hit it then quit it sounds rather narcissistic: only get off on and for yourself, in a fantasy world where only you have a right to exist.

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HSDMASTER

Posted

A female as a guru is laughable. Why would anyone listen to or take advice from a female in general let alone about male related topics like PMEJ?? Most (98% of) females on this site would seriously struggle to excite a man to get hard let alone to cum early;-p For some, the uglier or less attractive she is, the quicker he wants to buss and get it over wiith so he can leave quickly;-p Fellas, never let any delusional controlling female tell you when you should get off or how long it should be. Her sexual pleasure is not a priority or your responsibility. Hit it then quit it;-p

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st****

Posted

I have the opposite problem I struggle to stay hard or have to really try just to cum

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3X****

Posted

I'm sorry, but this is laughable. Are you all kids giving advice on premature ejaculated? He usually cums too early because a) he's super excited about you; b) he's thinking of someone or some porn site not related to you at all;
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ar****

Posted

I personally see "premature" ejaculation as a really embarrassing and distressing condition alright. But one of the cultural mind, telling you you should have an ejaculation within a specific desired timeframe. And not "living up to your set goals" is a "big disappointment"...
Tssk, the entitlement of people these days...

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turret

Posted

Something not mentioned here is whether there is a true orgasm during premature ejaculation ie does it feel good. The stressful one is ejaculating but not having that lovely dopamine rush .. so sex isn’t as pleasant anymore

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su****

Posted

Yk it’s kinda like shaking a soda

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Ma****

Posted

You should take it as a compliment. We might cum quickly because you feel and look amazing! And once we recover we can go longer.

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Hy****

Posted

I think you’re trying to find a route psychological cause when there isn’t one necessarily. Even if there is one, jumping straight to it is probably not the way about going about figure out what it is. Trying to troubleshoot emotions like a computer issue is something therapist are specific trained not to do.

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DanCFNM

Posted

Is it strange that me, prematurely ejaculating in front of a woman, while she laughs at about it, is my fetish ;?

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Ryan2H4L

Posted

Hi

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Jackthestripper

Posted

It happens to everyone time to time

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Ce****

Posted

I mean this was clearly some sort of psychological reaction... right? You've not found anyone else to be open with, your wife has. She tells you about the encounter and you start preeming.

2+2. Either you're not as comfortable with this as you're trying to be or just the fact that you've not found someone and you wife has is playing on your mind.

This is usually what happens with open relationships. They don't benefit both partners in the same way.

You probably need to have a discussion with your wife about closing it again while you get your confidence back.

Pre wanking or sensitivity training are just trying to deal with the side effects, not the cause.

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6o****

Posted

This is just an efficient way to fit sex into your day when you’re pressed for time.

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nineinside

Posted

A great response, openness and discussion, in a relaxed environment helps, but is not always as easy as it sounds. Friction is the enemy often as much as your mind, causing a vicious circle of stress and anxiety. Every man I have spoken to in the scene has experienced this, often at times of stress , or with a new partner, as the pressure to perm, especially as a Dom is extremely high.. however good people come back, subs or otherwise, and there is a.phiological addition when thrusting, tho I don't understand the detail

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