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Molly's BDSM tips | Dealing With Premature Ejaculation

Premature ejaculation can be an embarrassing – and distressing – condition that many men face at some point in their lives. However, there are techniques to combat it. Our resident advice guru Molly shares her top ideas for one reader to try.
 

Dear Molly, 
My partner and I have started exploring an open relationship. So far I’ve not met anyone else but my partner is exploring with another man and having a good time. I am happy for her, but for reasons I don’t really understand I’ve started to suffer from premature ejaculation when we have sex. This is not something I have ever experienced before. At first I just thought it was a one-off in response to her telling me something sexy she did with her other partner, but since then, it keeps happening. My partner has been supportive and understanding but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed by it and have even found myself avoiding having sex. Do you have any advice on how I can deal with this?? Thanks!
MalcolmG
 

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Dear MalcolmG,
Firstly, congratulations on the exciting explorations you and your partner are undertaking. It seems like for the most part it is going well however clearly the premature ejaculation that you experiences is not an ideal situation and one I can totally understand you wanting to fix.

 

What is premature ejaculation?

The exact definition of premature ejaculation is one that remains under debate, but basically it’s said to be when a man orgasms sooner than he or his partner would like during sex. The defined period of time is approximately less than 2 to 3 minutes.


There are two types of premature ejaculation. Primary premature ejaculation is when you’ve always had this problem and secondary premature ejaculation happens if you’ve developed the problem more recently. This is the type that you’re living with. 

 

Secondary premature ejaculation

Secondary premature ejaculation can be caused by psychological factors, but it can also be caused by physical factors such as drinking, drug use and ***.
 

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However, it can also be caused by other health issues, including inflammation of the prostate gland. So, my first piece of advice is that you really should check with your doctor that there is not a physical cause for this change. If the doctor discovers that to be the case, then there are relatively simple treatments that will fix the issue. 
 

 

“Secondary premature ejaculation can be caused by psychological factors, but it can also be caused by physical factors such as drinking, drug use and ***.”

 

If, however, the doctor gives you a clean bill of health, then the likely cause of this change is psychological which can be a little more challenging to fix. The doctor is likely to want you to explore other options before potentially giving you medication to combat the issue.  

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Come undone? Discover ways to combat premature ejaculation

 

Premature ejaculation: tips to beat it

One of the main things you can try to combat symptoms of premature ejaculation is to masturbate 1 to 2 hours before having sex with your partner. Obviously that does not allow for very spontaneous sex, but whilst you are working through this problem it’s worth trying.


Does the fact that you have reached orgasm recently allow you to carry on longer during partnered sex? If so, then maybe increasing the amount you masturbate and even the amount you have partnered sex might help.


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While you’re masturbating, work on both physical and mental aspects of putting off your orgasm. Taking a deep breath shuts down the ejaculatory reflex and so timing that right can help to postpone the moment of climax. Also tugging on your testicles is reported by many men to also help them stop coming.


Also practise distracting yourself, so that when you feel like you might be coming, switch to thinking about something unrelated until the urge has passed slightly. You can also purchase numbing creams and gel that will help with desensitization and can help with prolonging sexual intercourse. 

 

“One of the main things you can try to combat symptoms of premature ejaculation is to masturbate 1 to 2 hours before having sex with your partner.”

 

Indeed, there are lots of options available and so it is worth doing research to find ones that have worked well for others. You can also talk to your doctor about this solution as they might be able to recommend something. Working on things when you masturbate will make you feel more confident when it comes to trying them with a partner. 

 

Things to try with your partner

You can clearly use many of the techniques I’ve suggested above during partnered sex, but here are some additional ones to try:

  • Using a thicker condom can be helpful to decrease sensation, enabling you to last longer during penetrative sex.
  • Your partner being on top can also help as they can be more in charge of the pace and rhythm and makes it harder for you thrust. They can also pull away if you’re close to coming too quickly and therefore remove the sensation temporarily. This kind of play and experimentation can actually be a lot of fun and take the pressure of you to be in control of your orgasm. 
  • Finally, it might also be worth considering therapy – especially if none of the other solutions have any impact. Both individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this situation. 

 

What you think matters

Which brings me onto my final thought. You mention that you believed your issue with premature ejaculation might be related to your partner telling you something sexy she had done with her new lover. 


You’ve also said this has started since she started seeing someone else. I’m wondering if maybe you’re actually very aroused by the thought of your partner with someone else, so much so that it’s causing you to come sooner than you would normally?


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I think it’s worth considering this as an option and that actually you have unwittingly uncovered a new fetish or kink for yourself. If the thought of your partner having sex with someone other than you is arousing to you then I think this might be the cause of your premature ejaculation. If that does turn out to be the case, then I think exploring that kink openly and honestly with your partner will not only be exciting and pleasurable, but will also lead to a solution. 


Good luck!
Molly x

 

For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum. 
 

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Image shutterstock/Hananeko_Studio

 

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