New to BDSM? Need BDSM advice? No fear, intimacy educator, sex coach and author Stella Starlight's monthly advice column is here to help. This month, Stella responds to a Domme looking for advice on how to spice up her D/s relationship.
Q: “I’m stuck in a rut. My creativity isn't there and I don't Read more… know where to take this next. It's pretty much always the same. I tie him up, put on the nipple clamps, do a little biting or spanking, most of the time with the blindfold and candle wax. That's pretty much the extent of it. So, I read stories and look in forums and find things that I bring up to him and he's put off by it. I can tell him to shut up and if the mood is right, call him names but anything more he loses interest. Same with the physical stuff. He says he doesn't want the "extreme" stuff. He says it's not like he would or wouldn't like it, but that it's completely out of the question because it's "too far". So I'm kind of stuck. I feel like I have done all of the beginner things and maybe there's a whole lot I don't know in the beginner world, but I'm looking for more to add.” ~ Anonymous
Dear anonymous,
Your concerns are completely relatable. All across the spectrum from vanilla to kinky, people often want to spice things up but don’t know where to start. It’s a lot easier to feel like something is missing than to know what to try next. It also sounds like you’re doing a lot of the right things already — you’re reading stories and looking for ideas online. Common search terms like “BDSM tips,” “kink tips,” or “bondage ideas,” can lead to delightful internet rabbit holes. Just be sure to take online advice (even mine) with a grain of salt, and make sure the things you’re going to try are both safe, and a good fit for you and your partner.
Although it isn’t the question you’re asking, reading between the lines, it seems like you’re doing most of the work here. This often happens in D/s or Top/bottom situations. The person in control is also left in charge of coming up with all the ideas, and that’s a lot of work!
Whether Domme or sub - share the burden of decision making
Deciding what to do in sex or kink needs to be a group project. It’s not fair for one person to make all the suggestions while the other person shoots them down. When I’m working with couples, whether it’s around sex or simply where to go to dinner, the burden of decision making often comes up in sessions. One system that can work well is to take turns making suggestions. For example, if you suggest pizza for dinner and your partner says no, it’s their turn to make a suggestion. If you say no to their idea, it’s your turn to suggest something again. This system works just as well for sex and kink as it does for dinner.
It sounds like you and your partner need to sit down and talk about the ways you’re talking. Try this suggestion system and see how he feels about making the next suggestion when he turns something down or calls something “too extreme.”
While it’s great that he knows where his boundaries are and isn’t doing anything he feels uncomfortable with, it sounds like there’s room for him to give you a better idea of what he is looking for, and what kinds of things do appeal to him.
Share kinky ideas
A couple of friends of mine in a Domme/sub relationship have an adorable system that could work for you as well. They use their Tumblr accounts to find and share ideas of kinky things they’d like to try. You can use this system with the social media platform of your choice, but Tumblr is a great place to find kinky porn. You can look through each other's favorites, or reblog posts you want the other person to see, even leaving notes or comments about what the hottest elements are for you. Having this as a shared exchange can get both ideas and juices flowing.
Reading stories can also be a shared project. Look for erotica anthologies with a wide variety of stories, especially books with stories on the shorter side. That way you get a quick taste of the kink in question, but don’t spend a lot of time reading stuff that doesn’t appeal to you. You can each read the same book and mark pages with different colour sticky tabs, or read the stories together and talk about what elements you each do and don’t like.
Our sex and kink lives need to be a collaborative process with our partner or partners. A common concern couples present with to coaches and therapists is that their sex life has become a chore. So be careful of turning this into work. Remember what things work well for both of you and keep a stable of those ideas handy to make sure you’re maintaining your existing intimacy while you’re looking for ways to branch out and expand.
Good luck! Stella Starlight xxDo you need BDSM advice? If you have something that you'd like Stella to answer, let us know.