New but need help

[Deleted Member]

I’m new to this site and lifestyle, but have been wanting to explore for over 15 years. I feel like I’m wrong but drowning as a person. Ive been with the same man my husband since 2003 and he was my first. I’ve mentioned throughout the years my fantasies of being Dominated by a Man, bondage, and possibly trying out other things, but he just so vanilla. His only fantasy is to add another woman. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I just don’t know where else to turn or to do and I’m beyond frustrated.....I’m ready to have a secret second life.....Suggestions?

[Vandalslut]

Have you just mentioned it - as in, have you hinted you'd like to try this life or have you said it DIRECTLY?  It's not a cliche - men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and we don't always understand Martian or Venusian. Men think laterally, women can think on several different levels at once. (That's why we're great at multi-tasking. )

First, be sure of what you do want - fantasy and reality can be worlds apart.  Do you want a 24/7 lifestyle or a change of pace in the bedroom? Have a wander in cyberspace - check out the magazine and forum posts here, there's plenty of real and good people who will be only too happy to share their experience with you.  When you ARE sure of what you'd like to try, write it down.  Take your time. Sometimes it's much easier to communicate in writing - the recipient has time to absorb what you're telling them, rather than you trying to express yourself and him interrupting, or not getting a clear picture, and/or getting the wrong idea or getting mixed up and both of you getting frustrated.  He'll want to consider it all as well and will probably want some time.  Try this way first - and really have a good try at it before you embark on a secret second life.  You are new to this, so please read some posts in the 'New to BDSM' thread on how many people coming into the lifestyle can be taken advantage of.

If you'd like to send us a personal message, please feel free.  Good luck.

If you find you can't send us a PM, due to the site tech, put a comment/quote me in here and I'll send you a PM. 

Edited February 29, 2020 by Vandalslut

[ey****]

So; I never recommend cheating.  I know it happens and I know people do it - but this is something that has serious potential of ending your marriage of 17 years

first off. it seems you have to rule out getting what you want from him.  It would also be laborous and frustrating to get him to learn if he did have a sudden change of heart.

the best option at this point is to return to him with your fantasies and how important they are to you and his thoughts on you doing these with someone else outside of your relationship structure.

That, of course, you can set guidelines and boundaries but that this is something you've held off for such a long time and is still a big issue to you.

He might be happy with this.

or

He might not.

If he's not then the next question for you is what is more important to you; your marriage or your fantasies?  This isn't a trick question.

If it's your marriage, then it's a case of accepting these will not happen.   If it's your fantasies, that is also a correct answer, and it may sadly be time to call an end to your marriage.

That point may seem a contradiction ; but from a legal standpoint if nothing else it's better to end on "this no longer works" terms than adultery. 

[JovialJoshy69]

If only you lived closer I think we are in the same boat. I don't want to have to go out and do my own thing even if I have permission to do so. I want to enjoy exploring my sexuality with my partner.

[sparklenips]

You think he’d be on board with it? It’s not so uncommon in this lifestyle. I can say this not good to cheat and your desires will not diminish.

[Ni****]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been unable to be you, and are unhappy and frustrated that your husband isn't interested in helping you fulfil your needs. You don't want to cheat on him, so can I suggest a compromise..... Offer him a deal, he fulfils your fantasies for one night and then you return the favour, within your limits / comfort zone ... Then talk about how both feel. Good luck x

[Deleted Member]

I have sent you a PM. Consider, opening with , “...(H)is only fantasy is to add...”.

[MisterZipper]

Exploring your sexuality and desires is completely healthy. If you’re in a relationship where you can’t be open, honest, and creative in ways to enjoy one another you may want to reconsider the validity of that relationship. The seeds of unhappiness tend to grow in such a situation. You’re wants and desires will most likely not just go away. I’d advise against a second secret life though. Be honest - especially with yourself, be sexual(if you can’t explore together, do it on your own), be happy. Life is short - live it up;)

[Deleted Member]

These are great. Thanks y’all. I definitely will take all these into consideration 😊

[Vandalslut]

On 3/2/2020 at 8:19 PM, Hart21818 said:

These are great. Thanks y’all. I definitely will take all these into consideration 😊

Wishing you luck, whole-heartedly.

[Voracious67]

Are you open to some online fun at first and see how things progress....? Kind of helps ease into some exploration... and hopefully excitement and pleasure....if so, I’m interested in something like that....just a suggestion

[Wo****]

On 2/28/2020 at 9:35 PM, Hart21818 said:

I’m new to this site and lifestyle, but have been wanting to explore for over 15 years. I feel like I’m wrong but drowning as a person. Ive been with the same man my husband since 2003 and he was my first. I’ve mentioned throughout the years my fantasies of being Dominated by a Man, bondage, and possibly trying out other things, but he just so vanilla. His only fantasy is to add another woman. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I just don’t know where else to turn or to do and I’m beyond frustrated.....I’m ready to have a secret second life.....Suggestions?

Talk to him.

I was in a kinda similar situation. Well, i relate to the feeling that you're drowning. You are.

Cheating isn't the answer, trust me i tried that and it can cause so, so much ***.

Tell him what you need, see if you can explore it with him, or maybe with someone else? Idk, just please don't do anything rash.

 

I ended up walking away from my ex, it wasn't a healthy relationship but it sounds like you have a good relationship. Try and sort this with him.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you wanna just vent. You'll figure this out x

[Phoenyx]

On 2/28/2020 at 3:35 PM, Hart21818 said:

I’m new to this site and lifestyle, but have been wanting to explore for over 15 years. I feel like I’m wrong but drowning as a person. Ive been with the same man my husband since 2003 and he was my first. I’ve mentioned throughout the years my fantasies of being Dominated by a Man, bondage, and possibly trying out other things, but he just so vanilla. His only fantasy is to add another woman. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I just don’t know where else to turn or to do and I’m beyond frustrated.....I’m ready to have a secret second life.....Suggestions?

Oh, this brings back memories.  Have you considered enlisting the services of a professional?  An occasional afternoon session may be all that you need.  Of course, it is important that you discuss this with your husband, first.  You would both need to go to the intake interview.  That way, you could avoid the stigma of "cheating".  Ultimately, you both should be happy.  You would be able to fulfill your fantasies, and he would find that new vitality has been brought to the bedroom.