I'll hurt you. But I'm a nice guy. I promise.

[Th****]

Is it off-putting to Submissives when a Dominant is a "nice" guy. For example, as a "nice guy", I have been told:

I'd date you but not play with you.
You don't seem like the kind of guy whose into BDSM Dominance.
You're too open.
You're too kind-hearted, i don't think you'd be aggressive enough.

I don't completely understand where this kind of thinking comes from. I pride myself on being a gentleman because I was under the impression that was what women wanted. Make no mistake, I'll fuck you up. If they don't use their words I'll keep cranking on the volume til their ears bleed.

How does one make the distinction that just because I'm a kind-hearted Dominant doesn't mean I won't laugh when the welts are still red weeks later.

Do women (even vanilla woman) really just prefer assholes? Or am I misinformed?

[Deleted Member]

I think lots of younger subs seem to think Dom translates to arsehole.
***y hell I wouldn't even contemplate playing with someone who didn't show me respect out of play. If a Dom doesn't show you respect and care outside a scene then you sure as hell aren't going to get it when you need it in play.
I think the whole Bdsm thing gets blurred for a lot of people and they use it to just cover up the fact they just like hitting woman and belittling them.
Stay true to yourself. Gentleman Dom's seem to be a dying breed!

[Deleted Member]

No I don’t prefer assholes. It’s about communication and getting to know your sub. As you learn each other’s limits you both will be satisfied. Sometimes you can’t find a balance with each other. Then you move on. But I prefer a gentler Dom.

[ey****]

what's important is to be true to yourself and good people will gravitate to you.

I switch

sometimes people will be like "I don't see you as a Dom" and it's like, "that's OK - you don't have to" 

and different relationships work in different ways and that's OK.   But, as you speak to people and build up trust there will be those who want to try or play and that's where you come in to your own

[Vandalslut]

On 3/7/2020 at 10:16 PM, The_MrGreen said:

Is it off-putting to submissives when a Dominant is "nice". For example, as a "nice guy" I have been told:

I'd date you but not play with you.
You don't seem like the kind of guy whose into that.
You're too open.
You're too kindhearted, i dont think youd be *** enough.

I dont completely understand where this kind of thinking comes from. I pride myself on being a gentleman because I was under the impression that was what women wanted. Make no mistake, I'll fuck you up. If they dont use their words I'll keep cranking on the volume til their ears bleed.

How does one make the distinction that just because I'm kind hearted doesn't mean I won't laugh when the welts are still red weeks later.

Do women, (even vanilla woman) really just prefer assholes? Or am I misinformed?

Don't you change, The_MrGreen. You're one in a million. A real case of still waters run deep, which is the type of Dom that attracts me. (One of this type attracted me over 30 years ago - and I'm still attracted...) There's been a lot of mention in here of late about the 'Bull-Doms' - or arseholes, if you like - and this breed is NOT popular with the submissives on THIS site!  The Vandal is a gentleman in public - and an utter daemonic barbarian in private.  I don't know if you're talking to 'virgin' subs - i.e. those who have no idea beyond their fantasies - or if they're just twits.  I must say that twisted juxtaposition between public Gent and private Devil is irresistible. I believe Littlesub79 has a point in that BDSM is being used to blur the lines for those who just want to smack women about or put them down - and in a recent notable *** case, BDSM was wheeled out as as the killer's excuse! (It didn't work.)  Try some comebacks:

"You'd date me but not play with me?  Your loss."

"I don't seem like the kind of guy whose into...what? I'[m intrigued, do go on..." 

"If I'm too open, then you're too close-minded. Have a nice day."

"I AM too kind - I give submissives EXACTLY what they want - and, sweetie, aggression is not necessarily about physical ***..."

Deliver these or similar with your most charming nice-guy smile.  Good luck.

Er - I just looked at your profile - is that really the name of the town where you live?!

Edited March 9, 2020 by Vandalslut

[Ar****]

In my experience, no. In fact to be "good" as a Dom I would say that being nice rather than nasty is essential, as you are more inclined not only to care for your sub/s in a better fashion but also to listen and respond to their needs, be less selfish, have an understanding of their experience, and give them the best possible time you can too during your exchanges of power. What has happened on occasion is that after I've been chatting innocently with somebody for a while they may suggest that they find it difficult to imagine me as a Dom, at which point I will typically respond immediately with a couple of lines about some of the more decadent or sadistic things I'd take pleasure in. It invariably leaves them equal parts dumbfounded and aroused. You've just got to have that conversation, be open and lay your cards down. As Blacksheep says, be true to yourself.

[wolf_girl32]

Your exactly the type of dom I'm looking for, I need the vanilla in my life and need a dom I wouldn't have any second thoughts about introducing to family and friends, to them I'm the butter wouldn't melt, introvert type. But I'm a primal and masochist so need a very strong hand to handle me in play, don't change anything.

[Deleted Member]

It seems you are facing a simmilar issue to the one I faced when I first stepped into this world.I did exactly what you are,sought advice as I wasn't even sure I belonged.Yes you can be vanilla and dom,I'm the same and a embrace both sides of what I am.In many ways for me we have an advantage as we can mix comfortably in both worlds.

[J_****]

Try not to get disheartened. I know a number of guys who are very kind hearted. Some to the point of being big ol' softies underneath, but still very dominant in the right setting. I personally am quite frightened by the prospect of getting involved with someone who was Dominant 24/7 with no kindness to balance it out.

I've been called a switch before because I'm the head of my house and come across as very confident and assertive. In truth, my ideal partner would worship me in the vanilla world, while dominating in the more intimate settings.

I've heard of women rejecting potential Doms as "not Dom enough" because they took the time to ask their preferences regarding where to meet, etc. It's ridiculous if you ask me. Speaking only for myself here, I like the idea of having a partner who is a kind and loving and has a softer side, but can stop me in my tracks by a single look.

Trust me, we don't just prefer assholes. Unfortunately that is quite often all we meet. So it may simply be that the misconception comes from generalising Doms based on only ever meeting arseholes.

[Deleted Member]

I think that all the contributions here are spot on. Being who you are is perfectly correct. For subs to feed you some of the examples you mention, suggests that they don't know what they want and are certainly misinformed, or don't appreciate, about what bdsm relationships cover. Depth of character, being skilled in communicating to be able to seek out what a potential partner wants, in a respectable, caring manner show tenacity, which unfortunately goes completely over some people's heads. Leave the contributors who only want sex, that's all they think this is. You'd be disheartened and very unsatisfied with such an arrangement, plus to begin to suggest other scenes might well see such a person run to authorities and report you for misogynistic suggestions, which you weren't; they just weren't listening in the first place. Leave them to trot after their phallic desires, or worse still get mixed up with a sadistic hunk. Take time to further develop your gentleman's approach, with your sincerity. As you've already been advised below, to be able to be operate on different levels, is a huge gift to any female who wants a decent person to show off to friends and family, but so loves the secret, dark depths, of a shared and wanted relationship. Controlled, parallel lifestyles are hugely exciting and extremely fulfilling, for those that desire such connections, in a safe, sane and consensual framework. Everyone is different though, and we have the freedom to choose and make our own decisions. Dont give up on yours. Your life, your choice.

[cautiousswitch]

It sounds like they think they want a 24/7 relationship and believe that 24/7 means continuous punishment. 

Or this reminds me of the threads about guys who consider themselves to be doms approaching subs as if they are already in a relationship.  Maye there are some subs who fall for it.

[LazyPirate]

I can empathise with this as I’m a pretty dark horse when it comes to my domination (those who see me in action at the local swingers club before I started to bring my kit compared to the me of now when I take Bounty along were somewhat shocked initially because of how relatively mild mannered I am), but I personally don’t let it phase me too much.

Everyone has different things they are expecting/wanting and just because someone doesn’t feel things with you, doesn’t mean you should take it to heart (that said it seems a lot of newbies are misinformed by the likes of 50 shades of shite which is always a fun conversation to try and correct them on the things that that toilet paper gets wrong)

[Deleted Member]

TBH they only want bad boys for fun, until they think it's time to settle, then they want the nice guy but he Has to be perfect and undamaged...seen it happen too many times...the nice guys are for resources

[Wo****]

Personally I need (And am lucky enough to have) my Dominant as my friend too.

He's gotta just as happy to snuggle up with me and just chill, or spoon as well as whipping me.

My ex thought he was dominant, thought he was powerful because he was stronger and could overpower me and take what he wanted, or that it "put me in my place" when he hit me. Or that because he shouted he was right.

Sure, I want to be whipped, I'm a masochist. I like ***. 

There is such a thing as a nice guy being a Dom, a caring sadist and there are submissive like me who love them.

Don't change.

[ey****]

a lot of the nice guy / bad boy tropes are myths.

It's very important to get out of the mindset that you are "nice" and missing out because of this.   What anyone wants is ultimately someone who is useful to them.  What can you offer?

"Nice" is the basic default.  It's not a selling point.  If someone has a heart attack in the street, they don't need a nice guy they need a doctor.  If someone needs music in a club night they don't need a nice guy, they need a DJ.   But similarly... the doctor is useful for the heart attack but not the club night, the DJ is useful for the club night but not the heart attack... and equally... if the DJ specialises in rock music it's no good if the club needs a House DJ.

This feels a bit messy what I'm saying.  But... "Nice" isn't a selling point.  And even if you have a good set of skills and traits they're not useful in every situation.  

But within this if you can accept this you can continue to work on things *until* you can find folk where there is somewhat compatibility.

[Phoenyx]

That's the irony of the situation.  You need to play "nice", until you learn their wants and limits.  What you might be missing is the "seductive" quality.  Try polishing your Dom persona.  You want to be that guy on the cover of those smutty, supermarket, romance novels.  Also, learn to read people!  I cannot emphasize that strongly enough.  Study eye contact, voice inflection, and body language, and learn the stories that they tell.  Don't ask, "How was your day?"  Study their demeanor, and make an observation about the quality of their day.  And, practice, practice, practice!  If you can stay one step ahead of a potential sub's thinking, it will greatly add to your "presence".

[Deleted Member]

As a relative newbie I have to say that one of the things I am impressed by the most with this community is how nice everyone is. I too am a masocist , amongst other things but value politeness and common courtesy. My Sir manages to do both and it's a quality you should be proud of, their loss

[Deleted Member]

In the end it is just about what each individual needs and wants to get out of this lifestyle and their partnership. While some desire the "uncaring asshole" persona, others may prefer a caring nurturing Dom who is willing to put them in their place when needed. Unfortunately, I feel the first has gotten a lot of publicity and therefore more people, (especially those newer to the lifestyle) just expect that. This may be why it's harder to find someone better suited to your style of Dominance. Don't ever change. Find someone that fits you. You'll be much happier and they'll be a lucky sub. <3

[Phoenyx]

On 3/7/2020 at 5:16 AM, The_MrGreen said:

Do women, (even vanilla woman) really just prefer assholes?

Actually, they prefer nice guys who can play the asshole.

[Wo****]

13 minutes ago, phoenyx said:

Actually, they prefer nice guys who can play the asshole.

So well put.

[Phoenyx]

14 hours ago, J_Darkmoon said:

Try not to get disheartened. I know a number of guys who are very kind hearted. Some to the point of being big ol' softies underneath, but still very dominant in the right setting. I personally am quite frightened by the prospect of getting involved with someone who was Dominant 24/7 with no kindness to balance it out.

There are many different forms of dominance.  It isn't always about barking orders and administering punishment.  The best Doms are the ones who can remain on top of the situation, without throwing their weight around.  Ultimately, knowledge is power.  Dominance comes from deep within, not what's on the surface.  Let it become a part of you.  Be yourself---it is the greatest expression of dominance there is.  Forget what others may think of your new personality.  Let experience polish the rough edges.  In the end, you will find that folks are actually more drawn to you.

On 3/7/2020 at 5:16 AM, The_MrGreen said:

I'd date you but not play with you.
You don't seem like the kind of guy whose into that.
You're too open.
You're too kindhearted, i dont think youd be *** enough.

They are trying to take command of the situation.  Don't let them!  Look them dead in the eye, and give the stern reply, "Oh, you think so, huh!"  Or, you could borrow my personal favorite, "Really?!"

[Deleted Member]

LazyPirate, I can't agree with you more on that horrible toerag of so-called literature. While it did give much needed attention to the lifestyle and even introduced it to people who may not have found us otherwise; I also feel it did them a disservice by giving such a terrible representation of what to expect.

[Vandalslut]

1 hour ago, phoenyx said:

Actually, they prefer nice guys who can play the asshole.

Sums it up VERY neatly!

[Vandalslut]

7 hours ago, LazyPirate said:

 ....that said it seems a lot of newbies are misinformed by the likes of 50 shades of shite which is always a fun conversation to try and correct them on the things that that toilet paper gets wrong

 

17 minutes ago, Azyriel said:

LazyPirate, I can't agree with you more on that horrible toerag of so-called literature. While it did give much needed attention to the lifestyle and even introduced it to people who may not have found us otherwise; I also feel it did them a disservice by giving such a terrible representation of what to expect.

Since we're having a crisis on whatnot-wiper hoarding here in Oz, I'll head straight to the nearest op-shop, where one can find TONS of copies of 50 Shades of Mind-Buggeringly Boring and put them to good use!  At least that'll justify the sacrifice of thousands of innocent trees.  Or - if you have a few bookshops in your area - they can usually be found on the 'free, please take' table out the front.

[ey****]

 

Actually, they prefer nice guys who can play the asshole.

ha, fair.