The Contemporary Dating Apocalypse

[Deleted Member]

Alright, so the dating scene now is like a dumpster fire rolling down a hill while someone shouts from the top, “It’s romantic if you squint!” You’ve got people treating dates like job interviews -- "Tell me why I should waste my precious time on you" -- and everyone thinks they're entitled to premium love while investing minimal effort. Somewhere between "manifesting your dream partner" and "building your brand," we've lost the plot. It's like we went from "Do you want to grab coffee?" to "State your trauma and tax bracket in three words or less." The vibe is less romantic comedy and more survival thriller.

And then you’ve got the folks who spent 30 minutes on a pop-psych podcast and suddenly believe they're licensed therapists diagnosing everyone who hurt them as “narcissists.” Because obviously, the only reason love didn't work out was that the other person was "toxic." Imagine thinking that the issue is never you, just the entire dating pool-- like maybe if we all try harder, they'll finally find someone who lives up to their "astral projection" standards.

But the best part? Everyone’s got a scheme. Like love is something you can win at if you play the right moves. Dating coaches are out here telling people to “avoid vulnerability” and “optimize value,” as if love is some twisted stock market. Meanwhile, real human decency left the chat a decade ago, and we’re all left trying to make genuine connections in a game where everyone is too terrified to go first.

Is it still called a “spark” if it comes with a PowerPoint and background check?

[PinkPanther1]

Hopefully there will be more kindness and respect and love and open mindedness and enthusiasm and confidence on average!  It can still be kinky and fun.  I think I might focus on meeting people in person again.  

Edited May 16, 2025 by PinkPanther1

[br****]

"Astral projection standards." That's really good. 😅😅🤣😅🤣🤣😅

[Pa****]

Imagine thinking that the issue is never you, just the entire dating pool.....

[Te****]

I mean, I have a partner so am not dating (for which I am very glad) but if you want my thoughts, I get approached on mine by a lot of men, and most of that start off by telling me either what they want to do to me (spoiler - giving me an orgasm never features) or what they think so can do for them (spoiler alert - still no orgasm for me) The few I reply to, to explain I am not looking for a man, either try and tell me I actually do want a man, or get angry with me. I’ll be honest, none of these approaches would get anywhere with me if I were single, because it feels totally like what they want is a sex doll and not a partner, even if that partnership has a lot of sex in it. I would strongly suggest not looking for dates online and spending a lot more time in the real world keeping fit, finding out what you enjoy, eating well, bring with friends and focusing on learning about stuff you really find fascinating, because until you’re a person you enjoy spending time with, why would anyone else want to?

[Te****]

It would indeed be funny if it weren’t so true and we wouldn’t be all it. Then again what does it say about us? It’s all of us together who creat this. So let’s just stop. Be decent in the face of it all. Even when people approach us as toxic because that is their experience with men, women and actually everyone being fully equal in that. Let’s not become what this world makes people see in each other. Naive? Idealistic? Sure, why not. Better than being part of the problem.

[ge****]

IDK about your experiences by any means but my luck on FET has been with casuals looking for fun. If you're trying dating try wooplus or hily. This seems to be more of bdsm tinder than match.com

[DeviantInside]

Hmmm. My experience speaks otherwise. I have been on various dating sites since mid to late 90’s and can honestly say I have seen pretty much no change. I’m not saying that the things you mention don’t exist and that a lot of people, in my opinion, could and should try to do better, just that it’s all always been there. And that’s also taking into account that that’s just my opinion of how things should be, for a lot of people some of the things we may disagree with are what they want and find works for them, and find people who match their goals and ideals. I’m not the arbiter of what is good and just and correct. That said I have found many matches both casual and long term (including my partner) on here and sites like this, so it can and does work. I’ve also made many platonic friends on here and previously on similar sites with all that you mentioned in abundance. There are plenty of people who I do gel and vibe with, both with kink in mind and with personal connection, I’m not going to like, get on with or agree with everyone on here, doesn’t mean I am correct and they are wrong, just that we’re not compatible and that I’m better off finding those that I’m more in tune with.

[Seuss-MD]

I get it. I totally do. Yes. It's aggravating. Yes. It's depressing. Unfortunately, the reason for it is that people suck. Not men. Not women. Not subs. Not doms. People. People suck. Some of the reason you either get no response, people trying to get you to jump through hoops, or knee-jerk responses is that women experience their own version of the "dating past 30" gauntlet. Again, MOST people suck. We don't like including ourselves in that group, but, statistically speaking, it tracks and we need to be mindful of how most men act, regardless of if we're one of the ones contributing to the problem, directly. If nothing else, it will help, with not taking offensive behavior as a personal attack, but a defensive response, triggered my repeated stimuli.

The other half of the reason is that most of THEM suck, just as bad. Again, nobody wants to look at themselves, as part of the problem. This is especially true for groups that have legitimate, often institutionalized hardships, because they think it negates their needs, as they would no longer be the victim and our society has a black and white outlook, where that concept is involved. They assume it's you, because so many other women are experiencing the same issues, but it's not something those other women are directly causing, with poor communication, unrealistic expectations and emotional baggage. Emotional maturity isn't exactly a widespread thing, in the current state of things.

Then there's the final factor: age. We're not kids anymore. Most of the decent, undamaged, fully functional and cost effective models are already off the market, so to speak. I hate to have to put it this way, but we're in the discount bin, buddy. More than that, it's a BDSM site, which pretty much means you're intentionally looking for someone with a few screws loose, while accepting that you do too. I know this, because I'm one of them and I accept it.

We all get upset at things like this, for the same basic reason: you subconsciously realize that it means what you're looking for is a lot harder to find than you thought. We all want to be with a decent person. Trouble is, there's not a lot of those out there. All you can do is put yourself out there and wait for the one who responds to who you really are. You don't want any of the others, anyway, so what they do shouldn't affect you. Learn to observe negativity, without having to absorb it. Just like poisonous berries, it will try to lure you in, with bright colors (things that catch your attention), but those are a warning to stay away. Clinging to it will infect your mind; the one place you have the ability to be at peace, in this world.

[Ha****]

I’m right there with you! But binge watching Law & Order has left me hyper aware that some folks can be a whole circus, so I keep my guard up and my boundaries sharp. Still, your words sparked something in me… a reminder that I’m not beyond believing when it comes to genuine connection. Reading what you shared nudged that stubborn ember of hope, the part of me that still believes “it” exists…something grounded, mutually respectful, and so good it feels inevitable once it lands.

[CumWhatMayhem]

So many great points being made here, and I'm a little impresed by that from a kink site! At any rate, I agree with Tenacity, replies I get describing their ideal BJ are a hard pass, no pun intended. I've lowered my expectations to honesty only, and that is about a honest as it gets lol. Been in relationship recovery for about 5 years now.. That doesn't mean I'm asexual, or jaded, just more aware of intentions. IDK what you do on your time, but there WILL be a MUTUAL respect when you're fucking w/me, no matter how well you tie me down😂😍 AITA?

[Da****]

I really have no counterpoint to this!! I agree completely!! I want to get to know someone for who they are now, fall in love with the person as they are. I don't care what they've done in the past. I do care, mildly, what they've been through because that gives me a better understanding of who they are and why they might react the way they do in certain situations, but outside of that, I don't want the past to interrupt the future and all too often it does just that. People can't get along in such a way that it's worthwhile for them, so they leave their partner because they can't stand them any longer and move along, looking for the next situation ship. I, for one, want to find someone that'll be there when the goings good and when the goings rough, but it's difficult to find someone that isn't completely self absorbed or believes that they're never the problem

[sardonicus87]

The unfortunate thing is people often say "meet people in person, because online sucks". While I agree in principle... where is my question?
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Fn NOBODY leaves their house anymore. I go out ALL THE TIME, daily in fact, and everywhere is DEAD, save for people who are either barely 21 or over 70.
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The only time anyone age-appropriate (if you're in your 30s-40s) goes out anywhere, it's a husband and wife and their two kids. And if you even dare to just so much as say hello to anyone if your gaze happens to meet and they're the one person out on their own that doesn't have headphones on, they look at you like you just sh*t yourself, as if they're some kind of royalty and how dare some leprous peasant speak to them.
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I agree, these days most people suck. But especially if you're a man, everyone's going to say "maybe you're the problem?". And for many, they are. But if you're a disabled person who can't work (especially if you're a man), it very much is society and not you. And of course you point it out and someone's always got an anecdote about how they have a friend with X thing and they don't have issues dating, as if somehow that one negates the 1,000 that do have issues.
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And it's not just dating, it's even just trying to make friends. And of course then the excuse used to dismiss you and invalidate you is "just because you did everything right, that doesn't mean anyone owes you anything". Which isn't wrong... but it's still horribly invalidating.
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I could go on and on. Point is, give up, it no hope at this point even at being understood, just given a chance, just even given the damn time of day, because everyone sucks now.

[sardonicus87]

Hell, even the knee-jerk response to opening up (the way everyone says you need to) is for people to comb through your profile, your feed and past posts to find just one imperfection and say "well of course NOBODY wants someone who X".
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Then you look at a million posts a day on places like reddit that ask "how can I make friends without leaving my house?" and people being proud of not leaving like they're on a Portlandia skit bragging about "I don't even own a television".
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As I look around, and recount my experiences in trying to meet people (with no ulterior motives on my part), and it's absolutely no wonder to me why there's a new article every other week about there being a "loneliness epidemic".

[Am****]

"We went from 'do you wanna grab coffee' to 'state your trauma and tax bracket in three words or less' " is th le most on point thing ive ever read about dating

[ol****]

I think the game changed when society changed, which I guess is an obvious statement; it’s it’s true.

You can see this in the fact that other cultures still have this sort of dating courtesy and courtship practices, usually the ones where dating apps are honestly obsolete.

Compared to the fact that dating apps are basically a primary source of people being able to get into relationships, however they are mostly short term. Although some people do get into relationships by meeting in person though close acquaintances, the majority rely on dating apps or finding someone online, rather than person - or at least more and more people are going the dating apps route.

The shift is most likely fuelled by changes in; finances, cultural types, quick access to pornography, and dating companies prevalence within social media.

Changes in finances; due to things becoming more expensive, like buying a house comparatively is more expensive now than previously, and also the access to the funds for investment was more readily available. As a consequence of this people have become more choosy, mostly females, as women tend to already due to biology look for resources a mate can provide to than built a relationship, while men look for signs of youth and physical appearance.

However these things are a spectrum, plenty of women don’t care for a man’s resources, and plenty of men don’t really care about appearance, however the need for resources has increased with the cost to actually sustain life considerably higher, and the cost to afford to bare ***, and have a home.

Although some males do care about the resources their partner can provide, they mainly look for looks, while according to female selection theory, females look for a partner that can provide, due to the cost associated with bearing a child. Although these are all primitive theories on human behaviour, a meta study was conducted in 2021 and found that I believe women still valued resources a mate cab provide above everything else; Although I can’t comment on the validity of these study, it does show a trend.

Taking these things into account, as the need for resources increases so does the mating strategy of females going towards men that can provide more. - this has always of course been the case, however previously people could live comfortably and still have a life without that much hardship, however nowadays you practically have to be earning 50k plus, to get a house similar to the ones previous generations could afford.

This along with the fact that, many jobs just don’t pay enough to live comfortably, many require further training or education to even earn enough to be comfortable. - you use to be able to date a male and him have enough *** that if a women wanted to survive on his paycheque, they could. However you rarely can do this in this age, you most likely require a two person income, which is just to pay the bills, let alone afford a house.

Now women need to be more upfront about their partners income, as that’s determines the life and struggles they will have to deal with. - of course plenty of people didn’t earn a lot back in the day also, however there was plenty of opportunities for people to get this ***, without much experience or education.

But now you need degree after degree, which all have their own associated costs, the *** gets more and more, that if you have a *** you probably have to give up a lot of the things in life to accommodate. All of this puts pressure on building a relationship, as most relationships or healthy ones, think about the idea of having kids, having a house, living together, ect.

It’s changed the dynamics of relationships, because what’s the point if your always arguing about ***, or if your working so much you can’t even see one another

As males honestly it’s gone the other way, we’ve become less picky, well the average males have, the ones everyone are going after of course are able to chose whatever they want- high value as they say. But the average man, doesn’t really care about the finances a partner can provide, just if they are youthful, understanding, and peaceful to be around, kindness is also a factor.

Although primarily its looks, always have been always will, because we are lead by our biology.

Cultural changes; the transition from collectivistic ideals to individualistic ideas as changes the dating environment; everyone is trying to live separately, and community has become a thing of the past.

People are now more focus on the me instead of the us, they are more interested in what someone can provide to them, rather what a community or partnership can offer. Where society use to push for people to all give to their community, and that a stable household is one with two partners working together, each with roles within said household- men working female taking care of home

This would put pressure on females needing to enter into a partnership with a man that can offer a life, as the action of not being able to work means that they rely on that partnership, while men, rely on a women looking after the home while they are working, as they wouldn’t have all the time to do this and take care of the household.

It would add the needs for a partnership, instead of partnerships being a unnecessary commitment, which of course people have the attraction to one another still, and that’s what determines the outcome of a relationship, there isn’t really a reason to be in a relationship. Plenty of people can afford to live in a flat, alone, and live a life, maybe not comfortably but they can live, and society isn’t pressuring them to seek partners outright. I mean, the situations where relationships fail are posted all over social media for everyone to see, making everyone ***ful to even get into said situation, something that would be less advertised in the past.

That being said, these are quite sexist ideologies, and quite frankly I think it’s great both sexes have diversified their roles, the factor of women not relying on a partners income due to them being able to work has added a wealth of benefits to society, from science, to mathematics, to social structures, and all areas of society, this dynamic shift has had substantial impacts. Maybe this is now more about gender roles than it’s about cultural changes, but still, I’m not suggesting we change this revolution, because it was wrong to begin with, I wonder if there wasn’t such a suppression of the sexes due to sexism how much society would have been able to evolve and technology advance.

Pornography access:
People watch porn to satisfy a sexual desire and tension through masterbation, which triggers dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin to release. Sexual gratification of course happened when people were alone and not with a partner, however the attachment wasn’t as invested as pornography has been designed to cause; it’s made to be so stimulating to dopamine receptors it almost causes them to become exhausted, and oxytocin builds that closeness to the one your masterbating to - usually porn content creators, which builds a bond, which can never be fulfilled, instead it causes a unhealthy attachment; and in turn causes individuals to shy away from dating as in a unique way they’ve built an attachment to pornography itself or certain pornstars even.

It use to be that people had very little stimulation, which cause people to be driven to seek out relationships to get their sexual desire satisfied- it added more of a drive to seek out relationships, to find someone that gives you the sexual tension and be with that person- although again this is over simplification of human feelings and interactions, which it’s important to think about.

Instead of oxytocin being used to build relationships up and make them stronger, it’s being directed towards people or content that a relationship can never form with in an unhealthy fashion, although people don’t see it effecting them on the surface.

Another factor among many others is the prevalence of dating companies within social media.

They have pushed the idea that relationships can be made within their “dating apps” however they actually just push for hookup culture, as what’s going to get you to invest in their premium packages, successful relationships? No of course not, but maybe relationships they know will most likely last for a limited time to than bring you back seeking more.

They employ phycologists to identify what will keep you coming back for more, and building a relationship means they lose a potential customer. They push and pay companies to perpetuate the idea their apps to find your “perfect match” or to find a long term lover.

Women are bombarded with choices, which means they themselves have inflated ideas of their self worth, while males are downgraded and see as worthless by the lack of likes they receive, which only the best looking guys really get all the likes - and even that is subjective, plenty of handsome guys also don’t get many likes.

Because they want females to date the jerks, the ones that will put you back on the market again, while they want males to date females who see you as the “compromise” and they get this self worth from the likes they receive from millions of men, who maybe just seek sexual gratification or even chose to spam likes hopping to get a single match, which if they are average the probability is against them.

These apps push us further away from healthy dating, and more to consume this idea of the issues with relationships, man feel they are worthless, while women have inflated ideas of worth, based on how many likes they get - although that goes the same with males.

However apps are mainly built around females, as they are the ones males are trying to convince to go on a date with them, they have to prove, because these women have countless of men liking them, giving them an over exaggerated idea of worth - because these are all artificial environments, bios, prompts, likes, dislikes, everything is artificial.

Without these apps people would look to their environment, which would allow people to “get to know one another” which helps build relationships without worrying about superficial details, and subjective wording.

Granted plenty of people on both sides are given inflated ego, while the average women and men are seen as they are less, although men will always suffer with this issue more than women, as men are less choosy than women, that’s generalised point, however research has suggested this still holds true.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone that wasn’t my intention, and I hope the length doesn’t make people want to cry, but yes, I know I’ve left out outliers to the rules I’ve presented, like plenty of people have asexual relationships and they are healthy and happy.

[Di****]

This post a good little reminder my friend (mf). If you run into an arsehole in the morning you run into one. If you run into arseholes all day… you’re the arsehole. Western civilization has declined enough now that ya don’t believe in its dream of advantage. You want to be nice but the world eats you alive.

[sardonicus87]

I just read an article about how people, particularly Gen Z, aren't going to the gym anymore, something like 20% quit because they're afraid of someone filming them for TikTok or instagram, and something like 37% of people have anxiety about going because they're afraid of being made into someone's punchline or harassed.
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When nearly 50% of people have anxiety about going to a public place because of a *** that someone else is going to try to monetize their behavior... that points pretty glaringly to too many people just suck and "society" is definitely highly broken.

[ey****]

17 hours ago, MK_Zeepol said:

Imagine thinking that the issue is never you, just the entire dating pool--

yep, this is where like 90% of guys go wrong, it's someone else - it's the dating pool - not them. 

[Deleted Member]

yo some one get this guy a show, please, immediately

[Deleted Member]

sad because I'm also part of the problem. ;(

[Ki****]

Dating apps are a cesspit. Stop dating and go meet people at kink events and munches. Meet people in the scene, get to know them as friends. You’d be amazed what can develop from there.

[Ta****]

Forgive me if I didn't get far enough back in the comments to see that this was already said....

I've found that the dopamine hit a lot of folks get from getting a like/match/rose, whatever, is hard for some people to give up. The window shopping that goes along with that dopamine hit seems to be as addictive as nicotine or drug of choice.

Talking with my male friends who just can't help themselves from thinking...."She is nice and all, but look at this one." (and it seems to be the same no matter the genders involved, so not man bashing here) the grass is always greener.

When did we forget that a luscious lawn takes work?

[jinxed]

On 5/16/2025 at 12:44 PM, TenebrisLux said:

Be decent in the face of it all. ... Let’s not become what this world makes people see in each other. Naive? Idealistic? Sure, why not. Better than being part of the problem.

I found this to be very true. Came to online dating relatively late in life and didn't know the 'superficiality only-rule' that seems to be the norm. So I went all in straight away and if the other person wasn't able to engage in an equal way, conversations stalled and that was that. But when they responded with openness, that's when it developed into some kind of deep connection with very important life lessons, be it through a few months or years spent together. So while I can subscribe to the OP's assessment, it might be possible to simply 'do different to get different'. 

[jinxed]

On 5/16/2025 at 12:20 PM, Tenacity-flux said:

most of that start off by telling me either what they want to do to me (spoiler - giving me an orgasm never features) or what they think so can do for them (spoiler alert - still no orgasm for me) 

This made me laugh and laugh and laugh! So very true!!